Marriage is over
Well it all came to a head last night and DH and I are seperating. On Saturday SS said something along the lines of "I hate you more than I hate my SD". For reference he has barely seen his SD short of a few days at his moms as he only see's her for Spring Break and half of summer. He didn't even know SD was in fact married to his mom because she hid it from everyone (we truly find it odd and have no idea why). I am the one who cares for him, takes him to school, cooks meals for him, cleans up after him. Now I have disengaged a lot but for a year my husband couldn't drive so I had to drive him to work and pick him up daily. That included dropping SS off at school, basically since we drove by it on the way. That also included bringing him dinner when he had play practice and picking him up at 10pm. when it was done (they had double's for weeks and were given a dinner break but there is no where close enough for him to go get food so I made, kept warm and dropped him off dinner every night). I would be driving back and forth 6 times a day. He had to clean up his own spaces but he is a slob so I of course end up cleaning up after him by default because I want a clean home. I make dinner for us all nightly as I stay home. Anyway. When he said that I just clicked and was done.
I left my husband last August because of issues with SS. He had become phyiscal with me then accused me of doing so with him, which I DID NOT because frankly if I had he'd have had the marks to prove it because he was so horrible. I never even accidently brushed against him. I left since it wasn't safe for me to be in my own home. It was awful. DH convicned me to come back with the caveat that things would change. Basically the only thing that changed is that I suffered through it all without opening my mouth when prior I would say something. I just bottled it all up. Every minute of the day I would seethe playing out conversations in my head because I never spoke up.
So after him saying that Saturday I was just DONE. Something in me clicked. So Monday night he is being rude and I tell him off, I FING LOST IT. I for sure said horrible things no one should say to anyone, let alone a child, but I did not care because I was done and it was over. After, DH talked to him and then came to talk to me. I told him I couldn't do it anymore. We talked and he admitted we are all miserable and it isn't working as it. He mentioned that the only thing he could think of is family counseling but I told him there is no fixing. The only option is for the child to not be in my life anymore and he isn't shipping him off to BMs so that means me leaving. I love my husband and it is not what either of us want but I just can't live this way anymore.
SS had today off school so I asked DH to stay home from work because a.) I didn't want to be in the house alone with SS and b.) after so much emotion last night I just wanted him to be home with me. Plus I know we were both mentally exhausted so he did. We just ran some errands quickly, had lunch together and I cried a lot. It is weird because I haven't cried in so long. It is like my emotions have been stuck inside me. I wouldn't say I cry a lot usually but I can be an emotional person so it happens somewhat regularly. Frankly sometimes it feels good ya know, to get it out. I laid in bed for a while today crying, husband held me.
Now I am sad. My body physically hurts...that could've been the alcohol last night too as I was so upset I decided to have some and my old ass gets hungover like crazy these days even with a small amount of alcohol ha. I got a quote on moving and I do have somewhere to go back in CA. I wouldn't stay in this shit hole for sure. We didn't discuss divorce today. We did last night. I mean, that is what is happening but I guess we both aren't quite mentally ready to think of the logistics right now.
I feel heartbroken, angry that a 16 year old brat has ruined my life, like a failure for being married a year and now ending it, stressed about having to start my life all over again. I gave up everything to be here with my husband, job, money, etc and now I have to start from scratch. I just am exhausted thinking about it.
I don't know when I will leave yet. I am going to stay with my friend who basically is just going to take care of me for a couple weeks. Some time resting, taking me to a nice hotel by the beach to relax, taking me shopping since this shithole I live in has no where to shop and I happen to love to, so a nice week relaxing and hitting the stores and some decent restaurants will be a good mental break. I am so drained emotionally that I need a mental vacation basically.
I am so so so sad to not be with my husband though. I love him. He is my best friend. He brings out such a great part of me. I suspect a lot of the rest of this week will involve lying around sad. 
I am so sorry. I teared up
I am so sorry. I teared up reading this because I feel like I’m close to the breaking point and I also really love my husband but it’s just not working out at all. His mother is causing us a problem, BM and skids causing problems , I have a mean and awful exH and one daughter causing big problems and 2 daughters causing no problems.
but we have a 1 year old and only married 2 years. I totally sympathize with you. This is so so hard!
It’s sad that you can’t be
It’s sad that you can’t be with the love of your life because he’s too busy playing DisneyDaddy instead of parenting his child to be respectful. It’s not you. It’s him and his spawn. They will repeat this cycle over and over again until Daddy ends up alone or stuck with a broad who takes being treated like crap. You deserve a better happily ever after than that. And if y’all are meant to be together, you can come back together later in life when his kid isn’t running his life for him.
I am so sorry you’re going
I am so sorry you’re going through that. It sounds like you did everything you could. I can certainly empathize with your plight as I am going through a very similar situation at present. Hang in there. I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Seeing some posters in here has helped a bit.
Is there a possibility that
Is there a possibility that you can seperate for the next 2 years until SS is off to college/ trade school/ working?
I’ve been thinking about that
I’ve been thinking about that. I’m kind of thinking of saying that I’m going back to CA and if he wants to follow me, get his own place, and try until hell spawn is gone, I am receptive. Not sacrificing anymore though, and that includes living in red neck hell town.
I think that is a very
I think that is a very healthy way to move forward. He might not be able to uproot SS at the moment, but after graduation there is no reason he can't join you in CA. You moved for him, you sacrificed for him. Now it is his turn to make the move for you.
There are a lot of things you can learn about your spouse from a long-distance relationship. They are never ideal but if he is willing to work at it and you are too, you could make this happen. Maybe after SS graduates it won't even be an issue of him getting his own place in CA.
They (skids) never go away.
They (skids) never go away. I thought I was marrying DW once her kids were grown. Less than a year into marriage SS19 moved in with us and SS21 is always "short on money". If I had a crystal ball I would have put off marriage for a couple more years or not gotten married at all.
That was something I briefly
That was something I briefly considered. I don’t think that’s very feasible. Who knows if the kid will launch. Plus that child will always be in the periphery of your life and you won’t be removed from his toxicity. What happens when the kid grows up and tries to and is allowed to come back home by your husband? Hits him up for money etc. Every holiday they attend is going to be unpleasant. While there is a possibility they will correct their behavior I wouldn’t hold my breath or make decisions on that hope. Then there’s the prospect of grandchildren that are likely not going to fall far from the tree. While the stepchild is a problem the hubby is just as culpable and you would be waiting someone that enabled this behavior.
Ya I don’t really see it
Ya I don’t really see it happening that way or working. Basically it’s just my only option in the table. I don’t think he’d even be able to do it (gov work in a specialized field so in top of taking forever for hiring jobs for exactly what he does aren’t abundant). That being said it’s the only option I am somewhat open to. I sacrificed for him, moved to shit hole, so it would be the only small thing I’d try, and I really don’t know it could work. If he wants to try that then it is up to him and I’m not about to make any promises about it even working.
Thanks for the support
Thanks for the support everyone. It is for sure my husbands fault for not disciplining the child and allowing it. We have him full time or maybe it would be easier. I struggle with it most because my husband is this rare gem that actually changes things, right away, when i say I’m unhappy. He is so receptive but he just couldn’t change this, wouldn’t. The only good I suppose, for the sake of him and the terrorist not failing completely in life, is that this has really really made him see how bad the kid is and he is so over it. He is realizing how bad it is since his kids behavior and him allowing it has cost him a marriage. So maybe he will change and the kid won’t end up a serial killer. Doubtful but maybe.
Really overwhelmed with figuring out starting my life all over. And not being around my husband who I do love.
You are not a failure and you
You are not a failure and you did do your best given the toxic dynamic that you were in. It's refreshing to see that you are taking control of your life and know that you deserve better. You may have given up a lot but be grateful that you are able to start over again. New beginnings mean new opportunities and I wish you much peace, happiness, and love during this transition. You placed yourself 1st which many in your shoes don't do.
I understand how difficult it may be to love someone knowing that its just not going to work......you will get through this and thank your future self for it.
Thank you. Kind and
Thank you. Kind and supportive words are so helpful right now when I feel so alone and scared. Honestly if we didn’t still feel love it would be easier. It’s so much harder to leave when deep down that isn’t what you want. I just know it’s best at this point.
My condolences on the demise
My condolences on the demise of your marriage. Historically, I am not one to allow a toxic child to be the demise of a marriage. Over many years as a STalker, it has become pretty clear to me that kids do not end marriages. Ball-less parents who put their spawn first rather than their marriage and partner first are what end blended family marriages.
Your DH failed you, failed your marriage, and even failed his own spawn.
Rather than a tragedy, this is an instance of good riddance IMHO. You are putting this ball-less waste of skin abject failure of a parent and his toxic shallow and polluted gene pool fading in your rear view mirror. Where they belong.
Enjoy the beginning of your new life adventure. Be true to you. Do not keep this failed man in your life. Give yourself the greatest chance of a life with a life partner of quality rather than continuing even the remotest possibility of this toxic gene pool polluting your life going forward. Even when the toxic spawn reaches 18 he will still be a never ending toxic invader in y our life.
Purge and embrace your new life.
Take care of you.
Oh man, so sorry you are
Oh man, so sorry you are going through this! I totally understand the losing respect but not love thing you are feeling. It sounds like your DH chose skid over you and your marriage and that feeling is awful. Better to be done with it now than waste any more time. Try to enjoy your time with your friend and focus on you for a change! ((hugs))