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The Talk!

MrsStepMom's picture

My stress level is out of control. My chest has been hurting non stop (not to the point of needing Dr yet but considering it if it continues), I haven't ovulated this month (I had been tracking because we were trying to get pregnant, not now but just kept tracking since I had been). I told DH I was done like two weeks ago. He kind of went on like life was fine after the sort of emotional convo, although it wasn't some blow out. Then a few days later, as I felt like it didn't penetrate, I asked him what he thought the end result of that convo was and he said "that you were leaving". I explained that hasn't changed and I can't continue. We had a bit of a heated discussion but not insane. We have not been mad at each other or anything, because really at the end of the day neither of us want to seperate but SS is too much now, but it has been a bit sad.

I have basically set a date, although it can move, and started making arrangements. I need to sit down and talk to him and be TOTALLY CLEAR about it but I couldn't do it this last weekend. I just couldn't deal with a whole weekend of that stress when i was already so anxious and stressed about it all. I just needed to be home without arguing, especially with the terrorist (SS) home since he has no life and never leaves. He has an activity he does on Monday evenings so I planned to talk to him last night, so basically asap. Well, instead, he was arguing with BM via phone and text all night and could barely acknowledge my existence. She is throwing a fit because he offered to let her have more time over the summer and pay for the ticket to her. I know right, THE HORROR! That woman is insane. She actually said last night via text "Well I never read the custody argreement, I just looked at child support to see what I had to pay". Wow.

Anyway, he was doing that, was STRESSED, zoned out into text world, and by 11p.m. when there was time (I usually fall asleep by 10) I just couldn't stay up for hours having the convo. I have to talk to him more seriously about my plans but am so stressed. I love him and am hurting him which makes it hard. I don't really want to leave him, but cannot continue with SS living here, which he will, there is no way to change it or even so much as have BM have more time.

He has been trying to keep him on best behavior since I told him I was done but it's too little too late. He wants to go to family counseling but none of that will change my feelings toward SS. At best he might behave slightly better but I just hate him as a human being. He is a mean person. He has done too much damage to our relationship (SS and mine) as well as mine and DHs for me to continue. It is 100% on DH for allowing the behavior and I am very unhappy with him about that but it doesn't change that it all ends up ending in i wont live with SS. He was trying to send SS to his moms for all of the summer instead of half to help ease some stress but a.) she clearly won't be taking that, or will decide last minute and b.) that's another month and a half which I cannot survive and c.) he still will come back! I feel bad because I know he is trying. My husband is actually amazing about fixing things. If I say I need this or that to be a certain way, BAM it happens, just not with SS. I know he is trying now but I shouldn't have to be miserable, complain constantly and then only see action when I have a foot out the door. That is no way to live.

I just wish this was easier. I am so not looking forward to this conversation. I am worried he will be mad and I'll be living with that until I leave. I can't wait until the last minute but I also don't want to have weeks of stress if he reacts REALLY poorly (obviously it won't be a good reaction but sometimes his temper goes a bit nuts). I wanted to tell him can we plan to talk tonight so he doesn't get side tracked by anything else but then he will press me to tell him whats up all day.

futurobrillante99's picture

Do you know what it means when you say you want to sit him down and talk AGAIN?

It means you didn't mean it when you said you were done and were leaving. He's told you he believes you. He has not offered to make any drastic changes with SS. This "talk" you want to have is just you checking ONE more time to give him the chance to have a revelation and admit he loves you so much he'll make drastic changes.

He has said he full expects that you're leaving. If you're waiting for a big revelation, confession, action, etc. You will be waiting until you're blue in the face.

He has said he believes you but each time you check to see if he'll do a 180, he believes you less.

It's time to start making plans and leaving is not necessarily the end. Sometimes, with men, it takes your complete absence in their lives for them to realize they effed up. Some are NEVER willing to do what it takes to be a decent parent or husband and win their wives, the so-called loves of their lives, back.

I understand it's hard to really and truly walk away. I know, because I dragged my feet for too damn long, and I finally had to really and truly walk away. I held out hope he'd do a 180 but he stayed the course, refusing to fix his issues despite being "madly in love" with me. *cough* BS.

((Hugs))

Letti.R's picture

I have to agree here.
"The talk" is about sorting things, as is a discussion.
When you are done, there is no reason to talk: you TELL.

I am sorry you are hurting, OP.
It is an awful position to be in, when you know things are falling apart around you and you don't know how to fix it.
Talking to you DH is a reach out for help.
You may want to consider therapy if things can be salvaged.
Otherwise you will reach a point where you are done "talking".

MrsStepMom's picture

I am committed to my decision. It is his actions that make me feel we need to talk. He keeps making plans like I am not going anywhere, which makes me think that I am saying "well someday I will leave" when I am in fact "leaving in x days". Plus, regardless of if I felt he believes it or not I have to tell him the date I am leaving.

Notup4it's picture

You don’t need to have a talk about that, because you already did- If your mind is made up it doesn’t really matter what he says anymore, just do your thing. 

Notup4it's picture

I agree with this.... it doesn’t sound like you are anywhere ready to leave. It sounds more like you are looking for validation or you are desperately wanting him to take you seriously so he will actually fix things or give you what you want. 

I think he is actually prepared for the idea of you leaving but I don’t think you are.  I think it would actually probably be a great idea to go to the counseling so that you can work your way through your feelings and actually decide.

When one is truly ready to leave you do not care at all if the other person is in a bad mood or how they will react.  And I think it is a really bad idea to keep having these deep emotional convos where you are crying wolf because it is going to end up backfiring on you (possibly before you are actually ready).  I know you are very frustrated right now but only say you are leaving when you are ready to then and there..... otherwise go to counseling and see if you can get to a place of piece one way or the other. 

MrsStepMom's picture

I’m guessing I explained this wrong. I told him I was leaving. He was talking about let’s do this for summer vacation etc so I said “we are clear right”. Yes. He is continuing that summer plans talk and now I have ticket booked, so I need to tell him “hey I’m going on this date”. I am not going to counseling because I am not going to live with SS, period. The only change that would make me stay is his moving out, which can’t happen. 

They haven’t been big long crazy convos. He got a bit heated the second time i was asking because he thinks i should just learn to deal with SS and is mad I can’t. They’ve been fairly brief and calm. But i felt the need to ask if he was clear because someone who is trying to plan a vacation with you in two months doesn’t scream “I know you’re leaving soon”. 

And not wanting to deal with his bad mood was me being exhausted, not helping him. I knew based on his current mood he’d argue and I didn’t have the bandwidth for it last night. 

I left over six months ago but came back. I just left didn’t tell him until I was gone. I just need him to know this is happening on x date”. Physically I cannot leave without him knowing as I have movers coming whereas last time I just packed my car up and left. So, ya I am going to tell him before the truck pulls up as I am not evil.

SteppedOut's picture

It sounds like he thinks he can and will convince you to stay. Do NOT let him convince you to stay "until SS summer trip to his bm's is over". He will use that time to love bomb the crap out of you and make it more difficult to leave.

So you left 6 months ago and didn't tell him until you were gone - why? Were you worried he "wouldn't let you" or that he would "get mad". What made you do it that way then?  And, why did you come back?

MrsStepMom's picture

That is my concern, that he will try to get me to stay and I am a bit weak right now, which is part of me putting officially telling him "in 8 days I am gone". I left without telling him last time because he was being very agrumentative with me, I was not tolerating it and arguing back with him and he was arguing in a very rage filled way. I wasn't scared he'd hurt me but I was scared. He continually would threaten to throw me on the street that very night.

He wasn't seeing "SS is driving her nuts" he was just seeing me yelling. I was yelling back then when SS would yell at me. He convinced me to come back saying it would change. I knew it might not. The only thing that changed is that kept my mouth shut and never said a word when SS yelled, etc. I just have kept it all bottled up but I can't anymore, and I am done. He didn't change things, I just changed and suffered.

futurobrillante99's picture

You can do what I did....tell him you're moving out. He won't believe you just like my ex didn't. Until the day the movers came and packed all my big stuff into storage crates (think PODS). Then he knew I wasn't bluffing. Sadly, I had to live there a couple more weeks while he acted out and cycled through pity plays, rages and trying to make amends. Too little, too late.

If I were you, I would get all your stuff packed in PODS, put into storage for a couple weeks, and go stay elsewhere until your place is ready.

MrsStepMom's picture

Well that isn’t an option. I leave in 8 days, there is no where else to stay and my stuff will be picked up this weekend. 

futurobrillante99's picture

That's quick, so I would give him no more than 12 hours notice and I would have someone around in case he flips out.

futurobrillante99's picture

And you don't need to have a "talk." You just tell him the date - matter of fact.

"FYI - I'll be moving out on or about [date]"

Then make sure you and your valued possessions are safe.

SteppedOut's picture

If you feel like you need to give further notice or exact notice, I would tell him only a couple days in advance. He does not need 8 days. And YOU do not need 8 days of him trying to talk you into staying "just until ss gets back from summer with his mom" or whatever bullcrap he is sure to try. Girl, you are a money and easy life wagon - he isn't going to let that go if he can help it.

flmomma08's picture

He doesn't deserve any more talks! If he is making plans for the summer after you've already told him you are leaving, that's on him. Not your problem anymore! You don't need to give him another minute of your precious time. Best of luck to you - I know it's hard.

ndc's picture

If he's so busy texting with his ex that you can't have "the Talk," then send him a text letting him know your date of departure.  That way he'll have it and you won't have to worry about him being argumentative.

Siemprematahari's picture

Either tell him verbally when you can get 5 minutes of his time or simply text that you are leaving on this date....that's it! You don't have to do much more but pack, wait for the movers, and be on your merry way.

MrsStepMom's picture

Good god why does SS always smell so bad. I’m currently stuck in the car with him for a few mins and about to vomit. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

You  have told him when you are leaving.  What is is there to talk about? Your words are saying that you are leaving; your actions are shouting that you really want him to talk you into staying.

It is not your responsibility to control the way that he manages to process information. 

He will not take you seriously as long as you continue to send mixed signals.

 

 

 

MrsStepMom's picture

Yep. I know my husband. I did have to tell him clearly. Now we are talking about the divorce. Yes I was clear that I’m leaving but i knew it just didn’t sink in. He’s calm though so that’s good. Just discussing the logistics of filings for divorce and such. 

 

I of course want him to want me to stay, as some have said, and i know he wants me to I want to stay, with him, but I can’t and he and I both know that. There is however no convincing me to live with the kid and he isn’t trying. 

I also have to say some weight has been lifted. I’ve been very stressed about his reaction and just not even wanting to have to leave but I feel so much better now that we are clear. We had a talk about filing, insurance, etc and it was just calm and matter of fact. Thank goodness.