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Letter to FDH that told me he doesn't want a child with me

childless_mom's picture

Hi all,

Came out of lurking because of a post a few days ago. It was about someone who's FDH told her he didn't want a child with her and her maternal instinct to want a bio child should be quelled by mothering his children. I'm in the same situation but I'm probably a little older. I'm in my early 40's and the man I'm with told me when we met that he wanted a bio family with me. The other day he hit me with a brick... he doesn't want a child anymore. He has a BD9 who of course the sun rises and sets around. He has told me he gave me a child but I've thrown it away because I won't be her "mother". She has a mother and a pretty damn good one. Yes, I have a nice relationship with the BM.

Two years ago we got pregnant and I miscarried. We haven't necessarily pushed trying, but we didn't protect against conception.

I'm heartbroken. I never knew my heart could actually hurt in my chest. I've had a kind of rough life. Married before. Abused as a child. When I met this man he was everything I ever wanted but thought I never deserved. Things have been rough here and there and we have had our ups and down, but I thought he was a good man. Now I feel like I've been duped.

I run his office and everytime we argue he tells me not to come in. That's why I'm sitting home today. I can understand it's not good to have tension in the office, but I am an important part of the office. Sorry to ramble.

The whole point of my delurking was to post a letter I just wrote to him. I want to post it because I have a feeling there are many women in my situation and maybe what I say will help someone else, the way you all helped me when I read your responses to the gal's post I mentioned above.

Here it goes (I'm giving this to him tonite when he comes home):

Since it is at many times difficult to get whole thoughts out when we talk I thought it best to write down my feelings so that they can all be taken in by you at one time instead of bits here and there.

I need an understanding that my feelings need to be taken into consideration by you. While you only get to see your child Wednesdays and weekends, I will never get to see a biological child of my own.

I need an understanding of my role in the office. I have a purpose in your office and when you restrict me from doing my job you put pressure on me. Pressure because now I have to get that work done another day, along with the work that needs to be done that day. The wheel moves smoothly in your office because I am a cog. When you take me out of it there are things that are delayed which affect other aspects of your office running efficiently.

I need you to understand that it’s selfish of you to expect me to see your child as a replacement for a biological child of my own. Your child has a mother and a father. Your child may come to resent me at some point – seeing me as the reason her parents divorced. You and I may drift apart, which would leave me no bonds with your child. There is no stronger bond than having a child grow inside of you, to spending the time caring for your child, to see you in your child.

Protection needs to be examined. We should not engage in intercourse that could produce a child. There is no middle ground on this. If you do not want a child then you can’t say, “Well if you got pregnant I’d be happy” because if you’d be happy then you would work with me to get pregnant. If you don’t want a child then be responsible and do the mature responsible thing and have a vasectomy.

I am fine with certain areas being grey but I am not going to live my whole life in a grey zone. That leads to roller coaster rides and I AM DONE WITH ROLLER COASTERS.

Your whole life is scheduled in advance and therefore I live my life by your schedule. I am not going to wing our relationship when everything else is structured. I deserve the same structure that you give to your exwife, your child, and your employees.

I want you to have an understanding that it is not my intention to hurt you when I say I wish you told me six years ago that you didn’t want to give me a child. I understand it is hurtful for you to hear, but I am having a hard time because you don’t seem to have any compassion in understanding how hearing you tell me you won’t give me a child makes me feel. You knew that was my life long dream when we met and I always made it clear I wanted a biological child. I thought I found a partner who shared my dream. This is REALLY BIG to change your mind. It’s not like saying,”Well I used to like mushrooms but I changed my mind and don’t anymore”. This is a major dynamic in a relationship – two peoples shared goal. To find out that you “changed your mind” changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. It makes me scared to trust you and feel guarded because if you changed your mind on this then what else will you change your mind on?

If you are capable of making such a big decision for us (us meaning our relationship) then you don’t love me unconditionally. You are thinking about YOU and what’s best for YOU. YOU don’t want any more children. You don’t seem to care about how this will impact me. This is the biggest dream of my life (that at one time WE shared), but now you are not thinking WE but only YOU. You promised me up down and sideways the joy of a biological child and now expect me to casually agree and laugh it off when you decide you don’t love me enough to start a family between you and I biologically.

You have mentioned you are more than likely infertile. You weren’t when we got pregnant two years ago. Yet you object to getting tested. If the test confirmed that you are now infertile this wouldn’t even be an issue. I’m not looking for something that’s physically impossible. It’s only when it’s possible but there’s a refusal that I feel you’ve taken away my dream – what I thought was OUR dream BECAUSE you TOLD me it was OUR DREAM.

You are very big at holding me to what was my first word. You seem to ignore when I tell you that I’ve changed my mind on something. Instead you hold firm to what I first said. I’d like you to be aware of this from now on. Be VERY aware of the last thing I say and not the first if you are going to expect me to do the same.

I’m tired. Our whole relationship has been on your terms to an extent. You promise me the world and then deflate me by telling me I don’t deserve anything when you’re mad at me. That is not a life partner. The only decision you’ve said I have is to leave you. Every other decision is yours from when we get married to now not having a biological family. We live by your rules, by your timeline, by your standards. When do we come together and start making decisions as a couple?

childless_mom's picture

Thank you for making me laugh! It eases the fucking monster tension headache I have.

napamom's picture

newwife3 is right on! So, so you are going through this. My DS told me the same so I left6 and now we have 2 kids together.

ybarra357's picture

I’m sorry that you’re experience this. I suppose this letter says a lot of what you’re feeling, but IMO you’re being much too generous. If this were me? I would just say, “this isn’t working out - BYE”. Find yourself a nice man to have a child with and wants to cultivate a healthy relationship.

unsure99's picture

Life is too short to give up on your dream of having a child. There is nothing in the world like it. It is a BIG deal that he changed his mind. That's fine, if HE don't want a child I would leave. Because unless he changes his mind back to wanting a child, the damage is done. You will resent him forever for this.

herewegoagain's picture

Sorry, I didn't read it all but honestly, I think if your letter is related to him now not wanting a child, then that is ALL that should have been discussed.

Something along the lines of "when we got together you said you wanted a child and I said the same. You have changed your mind, I have not. The bottom line is that I do want a child and that is part of the reason we are also together, because that was part of the deal. If that can no longer happen, I understand you have a right to change your mind, however, I will need to move on."

End of STORY. You sound like your are giving HIM the power not only to decide wether he wants a child or not, which by the way, he DOES have that right, but to make YOUR decision to have a child or not for you. That is not a decision HE is entitled to. His ONLY decision is wether he wants one or not. I think you went to far into it and in a few months, a few years possibly, you will still resent it...and he'll say "I told you so.".

Sorry, I know it's hard. Believe me. I cry now MANY times because that fu#$%$#%cing ex wife of my DH continues to have kids she can't support, yet I as someone responsible, someone who has busted her ass for years, was not able to have another child because of the chaos/money situation she has put us in for the past 10yrs. I will FOREVEVER hate that woman and ALL my DH's family because of it, but at least I have the peace to know that my DH ALSO wanted a child, so it's not like HE caused this. It tears him up to, but HIS hands were tied by the courts.

Orange County Ca's picture

Two things come to mind unrelated to the letter itself:

First people have a right to change their minds. Only if he deliberately mis-led you to get you to mother his child would he be totally in the wrong.

I recognize the immensity of his decision and and the grace with which you're taking it by making him have a vasectomy which is what a gentleman would have offered to do in the first place. Better than you taking a chemical or having some pieces of steel or plastic (whatever) inside you.

Second he's an idiot to compare your need reproduce and his kid needing a mother.

You do have the option of leaving and I'm hoping his decision isn't a prelude to him pre-empting you on that subject.