Leaving my husband
I’m planning on leaving my husband. But I’m trying to make sure I have money saved up first. My husband is neglectful to my son and my step son and I can’t take it anymore. The weekends he has his son he never changes him until the urine had soaked through his clothes and lays on the couch all day everyday while his son plays by himself. He does the same thing with my son. I’ll leave for a couple hours and come home to my baby drenched from head to toe and hasn’t been fed breakfast or lunch and I’m done. I know this site is made for step parent talk but I don’t know who else to talk to about my situation. I know this sounds awful but what can I do to ensure I get more custody of my son than he does? He is an awful and neglectful father and I don’t want my son anywhere near him if I’m not there too. I keep notes and pictures of the neglect but is there anything more I can do? Also I would change his step son but his son has autism and is very emotional about me doing anything for him.
You could stop keeping your
You could stop keeping your son with his father on weekends and hire a babysitter. You could inform BM of what he isn't doing. You could take your son to a family member one weekend and call CPS with your concerns.
Until you leave, there isn't much you can do. If you know he is being neglectful to your son, and you allow him to continue to parent him while away, it makes you just as complicit. I know that is a hard pill to swallow, but a judge could look at you unfavorably for keeping your son with his father "for evidence" when you knew he would be neglected. It's a cruel system that means kids HAVE to be hurt repeatedly before they are protected.
Just keep saving and get out ASAP with as much evidence as you can.
Do you know why he is being
Do you know why he is being neglectful? I am NOT advocating you stay in an abusive situation.. but trying to see if it's that your husband can't/won't/ or doesn't understand how to properly care for the children.
If he is ignoring their needs "with malice" as in he KNOWS he should be caring for them but is doing drugs instead or being callous to their needs.. THAT is a problem obviously.
OR.. is it that he is a clueless guy and doesn't understand how to take care of small children? does he know how often a kid needs changing typically? does he understand the feeding schedule? has he gone to parenting classes..
I guess there also is the matter of if you have discussed this with him and how does he respond? is he abusive to you as well?
As far as documenting.. it will be tough.. but have there been any medical issues that result from his neglect?
also, you definitely need to arrange care for your child if your husband absolutely refuses to care for the child.. you cannot leave him with the child because you KNOW he isn't doing the right thing. of course if it's because he is a dunce.. you need to educate him of course.
He has
He has done parenting classes. He knows how to care for kids because he did really good with our son when he was first born. He is a super lazy guy and spends almost his whole days off sleeping. I’ve told him a child needs to be changed every two hours if not every hour and it still never gets done. He doesn’t make my step son breakfast or lunch on the days he has him because my husband gets out of bed and lays on the couch all day watching YouTube videos so I have to make all the meals for him. I haven’t left my son with my husband since the last time when he wasn’t cared for properly and I won’t do it again.
What is his excuse when you
What is his excuse when you point blank tell him he is not caring for these kids properly? I mean, it sounds bizarre!
Is he employed? does he work.. is his work schedule so demanding he is sleeping all his 'down time"?
Is he depressed? he used to be better, but now he is not.
Have you increased your requests for him to care for one or both the kids (not sure what your arrangement is with work etc..) Have you started to ask more of him.. perhaps more than he thinks he should do? (not saying that you are wrong.. just trying to figure out the driver for his lazy behavior).
Is he lazy about everything? no job.. does he do any kind of drugs.. does he drink excessively? Has he had mental problems? Has he always been such a slackard? if not.. what do you see has changed?
Honestly, if he was always a slug, I wouldn't think that you would have been able to realistically expect he was going to step up just because it was your son together.. so he must not have appeared to be lazy in the past.. what has changed for him?
He isn’t
indont think he is abusive but when we get in arguments he pretends to raise his fist at me and huffs in frustration. I don’t know if that is considered abuse.
What do you mean
What do you mean he "pretends" to raise his fist? He either raises his fist or he doesn't. He lays on the couch all day or sleeps and lets the children lay in urine. Does he work at all? If this is the guy you married, I would really hate to see the guys you turned away!
He
I mean he raises his fist and acts like he wants to hit me but doesn’t.
He's terrorizing you and that
He's terrorizing you and that is NOT okay. The day will come when he follows through and actually hits you. Please make plans to escape.
He was a great guy before we
He was a great guy before we had our son. People change.
People change from
People change from good to bad. And then we get the hell away from them.
People rarely change.. at
People rarely change.. at least without good reason. so.. he either pulled the wool over your eyes and was like this before you met him.. or something has happened that has MADE him change. Is he on drugs... having an affair.. dealing with a mental illness? Are you under financial strain as a familly.. did he WANT another child? Is he working more to support everyone.
HOnestly, if you are a SAHM he may feel that your contribution is caring for the children in the household and his is financial and possibly taking care of the lawn and vehicles etc.. more traditional gender roles. He may resent you putting what he feels is "your job" off on him when he has already worked "his job" to bring home a paycheck. You won't know unless you ask him.
Plus.. he is unlikely to do as good of a job as you would. It sounds like he is a little slack.. but unless the child is being harmed.. a little time with a damp diaper or eating a little faster than you might do.. probably isn't going to do lasting damage.
You have two choices really.. either do it yourself, or possibly accept that he will do it "his way" that is not as high of a standard as your way. If you truly feel it rises to the neglect level.. document and call CPS. If he is threatening you verbally or with raised hands.. call the police and make a report. But, understand, that he is likely to get custody a significant amount unless you can prove he is neglectful.. and reading between the lines.. it sounds like it maybe isn't so much as outright neglect as he isn't as attentive as you care for the kids yourself. It also sounds like he thinks the deal is you care for kids and he pays..
He doesn’t make good money
He doesn’t make good money and we are constantly relying on his parents to pay our mortgage car payments etc. electricity got shut off tonight and they paid it!! He doesn’t support us. I’ve been trying to find a job but it is hard when you’ve been out of the work force for a year and a half.
I would be afraid to leave my
I would be afraid to leave my son with a neglectful father. I would settle for the documentation I already had and start taking the boy with me when I ran errands. If I couldn't take him with me, I'd arrange for a sitter. Frankly, the fact that you'd refuse to trust your husband with your son speaks volumes more to me than you leaving him with a neglectful parent and documenting it. If you were *that* worried about leaving him with your husband, you wouldn't.
How long is it going to take you to save up enough money to leave? What is your son's current care situation (i.e., are you a SAHM, does he go to daycare, is his father with him while you work, etc.)
Someone needs to
You need to get out NOW if you are unable to get through to him. The child is being abused and you are an active participant if you fail to take action. Sorry but it is true. If it is as bad as you say then the stepson is at risk for everything from skin irritation to serious infections. His mother WILL notice that something is wrong when she gets him back and eventually call for a welfare check or report your home to CPS. If they find the child in that condition they will remove him to the custody of his mother. If you are a resident of the home when he is found like that then you risk having your own child being removed to the care of CPS even if you and he are not home at the time. They act to protect the child and assume that all children are abused if one is abused. Unless you are exaggerating the condition in which he leaves them, you have a serious problem. Find a way to fix it or find a way to be gone. Now.
It sounds like you need to be
It sounds like you need to be talking with your dh. On the face of it after more posts...it kind if sounds like he is most likely expecting that you and he have divided house duties into him being the wage earner and you the homemaker. That is why he doesnt prep food for his kid...he has worked all week...he thinks it's your job. It's also why he doesnt take a bigger hand in other kid things and perhaps is a bit ticked when asked to step in because he thinks it's your job...so perhaps he rushes or gives attitude when you try to make him do things he views as your jobs. You need to ask him point blank if this is the case. He may not understand that even if you are a sahm you still need help at times because caring for two kids and the home is more than a full time job.
Also. I think you need to possibly look at how you are expecting him to do everything. A few damp diapers is not necessarily abuse. Does he love his son? Has it only happened a couple times? Im sure you let the diaper get wet or rushed through some task with the kids at some point. Holding him to an impossible standard is going to make him reluctant to even try.
Now...I could be reading this wrong.. maybe he is abusive...maybe he is on drugs...maybe he doesnt work and you live on public assistance. If that's the case...leaving may be the option you need to take
Have you
tried talking to him? what does he say when you ask him why the kids aren't changed or fed? Is he depressed? what does your ss bm say about her son not being taken care of?