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Kinda OT - Help! SD Sent me a Friend Request on Facebook!

mommylove's picture

Okay, so this isn't really "bad" per se, as a matter of fact, part of me says this is "good" in that I've obviously done a pretty of job of shielding SD stb 12 from my "Stepmonster" feelings so that she still wants to be my "Friend" on FB (or maybe she just wants access to my photos and videos and to be nosy about my life? I dunno.)

Anyway, here is the problem: It took me a long time to finally join FB because I am a very private person who doesn't like "having my business out there". However, once I realized how much I enjoyed being able to reconnect and stay in touch with friends I hadn't seen in many years in some cases, I was "hooked"! Still, I have remained very guarded about who I "Friend" on FB. I'm not one of those people who has 500+ "Friends" and my FB "Friends" List reflects this reality - I ONLY "Friend" people who are actually my friends or family or I at least know relatively well - NO "Friends of Friends" or complete strangers. It also took me even longer to accept "Friend" Requests from people at work because that is a life I really wanted to keep separate from my personal life so that I would not have to "censor" myself from potentially two-faced backstabbing co-workers so that my manager or anyone in that decision-making chain would NOT be privy to my personal thoughts (I IGNORED a "Friend" Suggestion from one of my other co-worker "Friends" to add my manager.)

Okay, with that as the background, let me say this: I am NOT SD's "Friend". SD is a CHILD in my eyes and I am not "Friends" with any children - not even my own - I am their loving BM. With that in mind, I don't want to have to censor what I say on FB for not only a child, but my H's child! Finally, SD is not even 12 yet and last I checked the minimum age for FB membership was 13. Now while that may not be a big deal for some I tend to be stickler for things like that (I'm one of those people who thinks movie ratings exists for a REASON!) This means that if it were up to me SD would not even be a FB member, let alone my "Friend"! For the record, I AM "Friends" with SS on FB, but SS is 19yo and no longer living in/visiting my home - BIG DIFFERENCE in my eyes!

So what should I do? SD is "Friends" with my H/her Dad on FB and she tells him everything, so I know she'll probably tell him she sent me a "Friend" Request on FB. I don't want to add her, but I don't want to hurt her feeling either. On top of that, my H will likely take it as just another "mean" act against his daughter if I don't add her, and since H does NOT share my conservative childrearing ideals, the reasoning I provided above will NOT matter to him, even though he KNOWS that is how I think.


Mommyto1Stepto2's picture

I would accept the request. I would feel honored that she wants to be your friend. My SS14 is on Facebook and he has never sent me a request. He is friends with BM on there and I think it is probably a loyalty issue. But if he ever does come around, I know I would be so happy Smile

PrincessFiona's picture

I had the very same feelings when SD12 friended me. And I approach FB with the same kind of feelings that you describe. In fact even after getting into the FB thing I really don't post much there.

I did end up accepting SD's request and then put it behind me. I know that it wasn't an attempt to be more friendly with me. I know it was so her and BM could be nosy. I know it was more about her than anyone else but I decided "whatever".

It's been telling that the only interaction SD has had with me via FB was her tagging herself in some of our vacation photos.

Synaesthete's picture

You could always accept the request and then change your privacy settings so she couldn't access things you'd rather keep private. -shrug- That way she can't be upset that you didn't add her and you don't have to worry about opening your personal life up to her.

Jsmom's picture

I agree with you. Unfortunately here SD had facebook at 11 her mom set her up. I got tired of seeing all the things on there that I disapproved of, so I defriended her. Has made life easier. I got tired of being a tattle tale to hubby about what I thought was inappreopriate. Now, I log in as my son, to see what she is up to. She defriended DH when he removed her to her mom's. So now, we go on once a month and print what she is doing and send it over to the lawyer's so that if BM doesn't agree to what we want, we have it to use against her perfect parenting.

caregiver1127's picture

I make it a rule to never friend children - period!! Just remember if you have her on your wall the BM can see all of your info and maybe that is why she wants to be your friend. Tell her sorry I don't friend any kids not even my own. If you accept her friend request you will have to censor everything - FB is for you and your friends. She sees you so she does not need to be on your FB. Make sure Hubby has you hidden on his FB page because then she can see all of your posts.

quippers01's picture

I have felt I had to accept friends requests on FB due to feeling obligated even though I did not want them to have access to my info. I set my privacy settings so that they really can't see anymore than people I'm not friends with. If they ask about it I just play dumb and say I don't know how all that stuff works.

mommylove's picture

Synaesthete said something about the privacy settings too - I'll have to look into this...

Synaesthete's picture

Yeah, you go into "Account", then "Privacy Settings" and then it shows all your information (pictures, wall posts, status updates, etc.) and gives you an option of who can see it. I believe the choices are everyone, friends of friends (so people with at least 1 mutual friend with you), friends only, only you or you can customize it and in the customize window there's a space where to enter someone's name if you want to block just that person from seeing any of those things. Best of luck with whatever you decide, it's a bit of a tough one. Beee

mommylove's picture

Well that's just it, I could see everything on SD's page before she even sent me a Friend Request, which I assume means everyone else can too. To me this means NEITHER of her parents (BM or MY H) have bothered to "protect" SD stb 12 after allowing her to bypass the age limits and use FB anyway, so again, frankly I just don't want to have anything to do with yet another example of no limits, discipline or supervision where SD is concerned - at least that's how I see it.

mommylove's picture

Yes, well after I caught SD11 watching porn on the internet this year my picture of anything "innocent" with her flew out the window! Now, I just don't want to be a party to it.

mom2five's picture

I guess it depends on what type of content is on your wall. And you can't always control that.

My "friends" are all family and close friends. I know they aren't going to put anything inappropriate on my wall. And I have absolutely nothing to hide. DH and I aren't the type that go out drinking or to parties. So any pictures we have are very mild. Most are family pictures.

I am "friends" with all the and step. I know for a fact that my husband's ex-wife logs on to the kids' accounts to view my page. But there is just nothing there that I need to worry about.

mommylove's picture

Good Point! I have some adult relatives that are so FOUL MOUTHED I've seriously considered removing them from my list simply because I cannot stomach it myself sometimes! There's also some ocassional sexual innuendo and talk linking "fun" with alcohol consumption which I am okay with in a crowd of adults, but frankly I think SD has way too much exposure to this kind of stuff already with unsupervised/unmonitored access to media (internet, TV, movies, etc.) and I have no interest in adding to that!

skylarksms's picture

Ditto on checking the privacy settings. I read an article online the other day (too bad I don't have the link!!) that talked about how you could specifically place "friends" into different categories so only certain "friends" could see certain things.

I'd do some research on it.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

I wouldn't. I'm like you- private and very selective. People joke how picky I am! I have fewer than 100 'friends' and am fixing to delete some! I have 2 kids on FB and they both are my nephews. I would have my nieces too except they are too young. But I never get to see my nephews because they lice faraway and fb is my way to communicate with them. Anyway, it took me a while to jump on fb because of privacy. I really have no drama in my life and I like to keep it tht way. I don't want everyone to know my business & find that by keeping my friend list low I avoid the fb drama. If my ss requested me I'd ignore it. I wouldn't way bm being able to look at my page or have ss show his friends my page if I ever made him mad. So maybe tell sd, thanks for the friend request, but really I only use it for work so I'm not supposed to have kids on there. The downside is that you are 'friends' with your other skid. As far as what to tell dh, tell him you jut don't want sd showing bm your page & that just because he once married her & had her kids doesn't mean your life is an open book for her. Or you could always friend her and delete her later and she may not even notice. If she does blame fb- they're are always some sort of fb problems!

AVDetroit's picture

Have you created your Lists yet? On FB you can create lists that select what your friends can and can't see. My SS is listed as one of my friends, but he's on my No Show list. I have a selected set of Friends on FB that are former coworkers, in-laws, work contacts, that are set-up in that list. I can contact them through FB if I want, but they don't see pics or other posted items that I can restrict.

Or you can not-accept the Friend request and its not like she'd be notified that you didn't accept the request.