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Kind of an emotional subject that leaves me feeling ... strange?

Someoneelse's picture

So DH isn't my first husband... nor is he my 2nd.... I had quite a CRAZY situation.....

My first husband, the father of my kids, I left him after I had my first daughter.... only to find out I was pregnant with my second... he was abusive, and was in the country illegally (I was young, and felt as if it was "true love"), when my mother called the cops on him for abusing me, he left the country as soon as he made bail...
Second husband was fun, made me laugh, and we got married... then things got dark, found out he was addicted to pornography, which I was trying to help him get better from that. I was young, and wasn't very nice to his ex (as she wasn't nice to me) she would make rediculous comments about how I am "only the result of a marraige", to which I would reply that her daughter is "only the result of a 1 night stand"... we were poor, but CONTINOUSLY got reciepts that we had to pay half of, for her taking her to the dr for eczema, and she would buy the RX version of cortozone... so I went to the dollar store and bought $20 of the SAME STRENGTH of the SAME MEDICINE she was getting (because thats how much we had to reimburse her for the prescription) and put them in her mailbox. I printed out articles about how her cigarette smoke was making her daughter's eczema worse. I called CPS because her daughter came to my house with bruises in strange places and told me BM's boyfriends *clench fist tightly and shook fists* (she was like 2yo and couldn't really talk yet). Soon after this point of BM getting pissed at me, my ex (husband at the time) began to get abusive towards my daughters... so at this point I left...... That was 15 years ago.

My sister is "friends" with his sister in law on facebook, and found out that he had passed away... I just reached out to that BM on facebook and expressed my condolences.... I do feel bad for the way I treated her, I feel as though I was in the "right" for feeling the way I did (like I was being taken advantage of), but I could have gone about it in a different way... but I will never EVER apologize for calling CPS on her boyfriend at the time. I full heartledly believe he was abusing her, shortly after the investigation, he left, but I left shortly after that was well.

My feelings are very mixed on my Ex passing, I mean I hated him for everything he put me and my kids through, I did love him at one point... and I hated being the SM in that situation, but I never hated my SD, she was just  helpless tiny girl (probably about 16 or 17 now), same age as my kids, who were abused by this man... but now she has to be fatherless... I am just confused by all the emotions I feel about this... I wish I never knew... It really makes me sick.

JRI's picture

I had those crazy emotions when my ex died, too.  I won't go into the whole story but he kidnapped my son during the divorce trauma, stalked me and was a deadbeat dad to my 2 bios.  I hadn't seen him or talked to him in years altho I knew he was sick because my DD was involved in his care.  I take that back, I did see him once toward the end.  He was in a hospital near my work and I went in on my lunch hour.  He was in a room with another man and I mistook the other man for him.  We didn't really have anything to say, I think he was embarrassed to not be looking his best.  Whatever, I left after about 5 minutes.

When he died, I was just so confused.  I went online to see if others had had that feeling but it's apparently not an often-discussed topic.  I finally decided his death meant the death of any chance to make things right.  Rationally, I knew that was an impossibility but our emotions aren't always rational.

In your case, I'd give myself time to grieve the loss of your young dreams.  I dont think I'd contact BM, I'd just let sleeping dogs lie.  Im sorry for your loss.  And, by the way, my daughter, who saw him with crystal-clear clarity, was offended when no one expressed sympathy.  So even if it's a deadbeat dad, he was still her dad and she deserved sympathy.

Someoneelse's picture

thank you, I fell less crazy, I did tell my children that he had passed, one was happy, the other felt similar to me, sad but confused about how to feel. I did reach out to BM, but really only to express condolences, as I feel bad for her daughter to have lost a father, DH just loosing his father and his neice loosing her father (my husband's brother) really just made me feel like I needed to reach out, at lease just for that, not to bring any past up with her, but just to express my condolences and that's it.

Someoneelse's picture

I just reached out to her moments ago, she hasn't yet. And honestly, I don't know if she will. but at least I know I tried. I know I was "a bit much" to deal with as a step mom to her daughter, even if I never mistreated her daughter, and I was NOTHING but kind and loving to her daughter, I was still very much "a bit much" to her. so, if she doesn't respond I understand. but at least I put it out there.

Someoneelse's picture

I wanted to update you, since you were curious, I still haven't heard from her. It's been about 1.5 weeks, I am guessing she either still hasn't seen it, or she's ignoring it. either way, I feel more at ease and not letting it eat away at me, I am glad I at least reached out.

ESMOD's picture

I have to be honest.. I do get being a bit conflicted when finding out about an EX who has passed away.. one with whom you had a connection and good times.. as well as the bad.  Sometimes relationships don't work out because love is not enough.. and sometimes people are just too different or have too much baggage to truly make things work.

BUT.... I'm a bit confused why you would reach out to his EX to give her condolences.. they didn't get back together did they? It wouldn't have occured to me to touch base with another EX of my EX.  I mean, she may be experiencing some amount of melancholy feelings over the death of her ex.. but given your history with her? I'm not sure that would have been the way I handled things.  But, maybe she will take it ok.. or ignore.. who knows.


Someoneelse's picture

no, but it was her daughter's father. so it's more for the daughter's sake. and I am sure that when your child parent passes, there is still an amount of grief associated with it, even if it is just the grief that you are experiencing seeing your child so sad about loosing a father. I don't know how she'll take it, or even if she'll see it, it may just go to her message requests. every now and then I see message requests on facebook, but usually I have to actively look for my message requests.

justmakingthebest's picture

Wanting to reach out to the little girl that you once loved isn't strange at all. I think you are feeling normal. If BM reaches back out, great, but if not try to be ok with it. 

AgedOut's picture

My ex-husband died a year ago and I was conflicted. I felt bad that he wouldn't be around with his family but I also felt guilty because he was a terrible man who was bad to us. Strangly enough I heard from one of his brothers today. He was sorting some of the boxes in their attic and found portraits and photos of my sons. We'll pick them up from him next week. 20 years ago this wouldn't have happened but time has mellowed us all I guess.

You reached out, if you hear from them decide how much of yourself you can put out there. If you don't hear back, you can let it go.