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It's all about control!

justanothergurlNJ's picture

I did this as a blog, and didn't get any responses, which is fine, but it is still eating away at me and I was wondering what other thought about thier BM's and thier need to still control thier childrens fathers?

Control!! It all comes down to control.
Looking back on it I guess I always knew it, but hind sight is 20/20 and it is clear as day!! BM acts this because she has lost control of BF.

As I look back I see it as, as our relationship got stronger and our bond
became “unbreakable” she stepped up her game. She’d call BF for EVERY little thing; the world was ending if one of the boys had a sniffle, or a scrape, 1000000000 million trips to the ER for nonsense. Countless DR visits for common colds or stomach bugs, EVERYTHING was a big deal, and it was all to hold some sort of control over the father of her kids. The man she didn’t want, the man she kicked out on New Years Eve and then spent 6 moths or so playing head games with.

As time went on and WE grew stronger it got worse! There was a spell when she was bed hopping and was as sweet as pie, tried to be OVER friendly with me, but is was only because she needed some place to dump her kids. She would play nice with BF when she wanted something from us and as soon as she didn’t get her way it was ALWAYS the same. “well you’re not seeing the boys” even with a CO in place. I told him time and time again there is NO reason to be this friendly, who’s she sleeping with or who she’s dating is none of your concern, that’s what girlfriends are for let her talk to them, and I’m NOT one of them, but he didn’t listen he wanted to keep the peace! I always knew she’d do this, and tried to protect him, my concern was mistook for insecurity or jealousy!

In the end after being dumped by 2-3 guys in a matter of months (she doesn’t know how to treat people so it’s no surprise she can’t keep a man), she was back to her old tricks, tormenting us, calling for every little thing and then it happen, one time she didn’t get HER way and she has alienated the boys from there father, we will fight, we will stand strong.

In the end it was all about control, She could NO longer control BF, so She used the one thing She did have control of his children. She’s nothing more than ANOTHER bitter, vindictive, baby momma, and that’s all she’ll ever be to him nothing more. She’s pathetic and a sorry excuse for a Mother!

Thanks for letting me share and vent!!

sm-ing's picture

I saw this change too! When my BF and I were just dating BM seemed pretty normal to me. I mean, if there was drama I never knew about it. The minute he put a ring on my finger she went crazy.

overit2's picture

Hmmm, makes me wonder the BM has been awfully quiet lately-wonder what's up her sleeve?

OR, my bf has been quiet about it-which sometimes he choses to do because I tell him I don't want to hear about her and ruin my evenings Smile

I'm sure it is about control!

justanothergurlNJ's picture

AHHH yes, ignorance is bliss. It got to a point in time that I told BF I don't want to hear her venom about me, you or us, unless it has to do with rearranging parenting time, or one of the boys was truely sick, not BM version of sick I don't eben want to hear her name!!!

Now we just call her C*ntzilla

Jsmom's picture

BM and SD only became a problem when we moved in before the wedding. We dated for 3.5 years and everything was fine. Moved in and all hell broke loose. These BM's think they still control everything and when it is pointed out by a new woman in their life, these guys start to wake up to their games. Unfortunately it is too late and the dynamics of what could have been an amicable relationship are changed forever.

justanothergurlNJ's picture

Yes I think they think we are just another notch in the bed post, and they hold the ACE, the child(ren), once they see it move to a more serious thing they seem to lose it, because they now lose control, because we take it, so to speak. I DO NOT control my SO but I put my .02 in where in needs to be and point out the games and tricks I see going on. For me being a BM also helps since I don't play those tricks on my EH or his FDW. Her and I get along! It is a 2 way street, I don't make my EX's life miserable, and she repects her roll as SM. I just posted a blog about her, me and him!

skylarksms's picture

Our BM cannot believe that he's stuck with me as long as he has without us having kids together. She had TWO in the attempt to get him to overlook her psycho-ness and marry her.

It must have blown her mind that I didn't have a baby within the first year of our marriage. Or the second year. Or the third...

I can't say that ours got worse because she was WAY out of control the first time she even SAW me (and H had told her about me before she ever saw me).

But she does get worse when either or both of us shatter her illusion of control. Example: She tried to order H to go into the NICU with her to meet "their" first grandchild. H refused to go with her. After that, something happened with SD (baby's mom) and SD won't contact us anymore. Coincidence????

JustAnotherSM's picture

Definitely. Here's how my experience went:

I dated my DH for a year before we moved in together - normal jealousy drama from BM

I moved in with DH for a couple of years - BM kicked the drama up a notch

DH and I (still not married yet) moved to another town together - BM started alienating SS at age 5

DH and I announced our engagement after 7 years - BM announced that she too was engaged to her bf of less than 1 year

DH and I get married - but BM rushed to beat us to the alter

DH and I announce we're having our first baby - BM went into full blown PAS mode

Baby is born - BM sent SS to live in an out-of-state boot-camp for troubled youth without DH's consent after previously agreeing to give DH custody

Baby #2 is born - BM continued to harrass us by unecessarly taking us to court multiple times

Thank God SS finally turned 18, because I just can't take any more of the escalating drama!

DaizyDuke's picture

Just how my BM #2 is... She's all peaches and cream as long as everything is going her way, but God forbid she wants something and DH tells her no, then she is the wicked bitch of the east, makes our lives hell, DH won't hear from SS for weeks and then eventually she needs something again and she's back to peaches and cream. It's an exhausting, viscious cycle and I always feel like we are teetering on the edge, waiting for the next big blow-up... it's not a question of "if" it will happen but "when".

My DH created that monster though. He was a classic guilty dad when they split up when SS was less than a year old and caved to BM's every demand, paid for everything, and wiped her ass. So she just came to expect that from him. You have to stop feeding the monster, before there is ever any hope of it going away. But my DH has a hard time differentiating between "being a good father" and bowing down to BM's demands.

I call mine Snaggle-skank. (short for snaggletoothed, skank ass beeotch)

wynelle's picture

Control is the game, dont feel alone. My SS's BM is way over the top controlling, she became accustomed to having the ability to control her family out of their fear of her psychotic freak-outs. Their constant state of fear kept them both pretty passive and obedient. After I came into the picture and encouraged him to find his weenis and stand up for himself and his son things escalated while she tried to grasp for the control she once had. And it was a valiant effort, slandering us both around town, throwing fits of rage if we attempted to go out for a dinner in public, or if we went on vacation or spent a penny of our hard earned money she was trying to weasel into her pockets, spies, lies, manipulation, the works. When she realized that she was no longer going to be able to control her ex's life it quickly spread to using my SS as a weapon against his father as she still has a hypnotic fear spell over him. She will scream and yell awful things in his face until he does what she wants. Remove his phone (which we pay for) from him while he is in her care, send him home with a list of things he desperately needs purchased for him, the rudeness that comes out of his mouth after he has spent a bit of time with her is as if it is falling directly from her vindictive lips.

It is absolutely exhausting, but as time goes on its easier to see just how pathetic these futile attempts actually are. Usually, the person that is engaging in this type of controlling behaviour honestly believes that they are one-upping the others, that they are the smarter, wiser ones who are so crafty in getting what they want they must be geniuses. Really, to a well trained eye that can recognize it opportunities for manipulation/control see it a mile away come to expect it and see the sadness in these weak attempts. This helps transfer power away from these damaging people. The best advice I can give is to try to see situations for control in advance and keep it in your hands. Keep control maintained in your home where it counts. Hold out usually these controlling types need someone submissive to work their charm on, once there is someone else in the picture that can be controlled hopefully the letting go process will happen quickly and you and yours can go on with your normal lives. The skids need to see that there is balance and a correct way to treat people. That bullying, threatening, or causing a scene is NOT the way to get what you want.

justanothergurlNJ's picture

Thank You ladies, it's nice to know I'm not alone in the Nightmare on baby momma street.

I can't believe there are that many crazy, insecure, controlling BM"S out there, and all this time I thought I was the minority, most of the people I know in this situation seem to all get along, myslef included with my EX's FDW.

justanothergurlNJ's picture

How many other BM's try to be you? Just a few examples, they are petty but IRK ME!

I have curly hair BM didn't know this, she has always seen my hair straight, her hair isn't straight, but isn't curly it was there with real style. So out of no where she starts showing up with pin straight hair. When the weather is warm I let my hair air dry and wear it curley, well wouldn't you know it a few days later BM shows up with what is an attempt at a natural looking curl to her hair, all it looked like was she lost her hair brushing skills LMAO }:) PSA if you don't have curly hair putting gel in it and making it messing is not the same thing, if you must get a perm!!

Lets see what else oh yea miss goody 2 shoes was always offened by those funny dirty texts, yet all of a sudden got a personality and started sending them to BF, oh and the best on is she all of a sudden liked going out with her friends and having a life outside of her kids, one of the reasons BF and BM broke up was once she had the kids she had no use for BF, he was just a sperm machine, she never wanted to go to a movie or out to eat or anything, there were other issues, but anyway, she started doing all the things I did, getting her mani/pedi, hanging out with friends, buying new clothes, when she use to just be frumpy lol....ok maybe some of those things most women do after getting out of a LT relationship, but her style mimiced mine!!! I'm flattered she wants to be be. The white trash whore I am, her words not mine!!

So who elses BM wants to be like them

Madam Hedgehog's picture

I think it really truly is about control for most of them. Our BM has more money than she can see across and she is still harassing FDH for more child support, etc. Taking him to court. Carrying on about money problems. The money is just an excuse to try to control him in some way.

And that's something I don't understand. You would think these ladies would want to get away from their ex husbands and start over. Forget about the whole thing.

No such luck.