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I'm no longer the scapegoat DH has assumed that role

Itsnotmyworld's picture

Better him than me. I allowed myself to be drawn into a triangle due to my lack of self worth. This was 6 years ago. Unfortunately, my bad choices caused me to assume the scapegoat "fix it" role. BM is the persecutor. I WAS the pain amplifier scapegoat and DH is the enabler. I have removed myself from their mess. BM is now persecuting DH although she hasn't quite figured that out yet. The kids can't come to our house unless I prove to her that I don't hate her by having a talk. won't happen because I owe her nothing. She's done me a favor because I don't even look forward to the Skids visits. It's a duty. It's a sacrifice for DH. He's mad because he is now her scapegoat having to make special efforts to see his kids. Not my problem. I won't assume responsibility that is not mine. Our marriage is in real trouble so my last attempt before throwing him out on his a$$ is marriage counciling. If that doesn't open his eyes then out the door he goes. I hope he gets his mine right before his persecutor causes him to lose out on his awesome future with me. If that's what his chooses Goodbye DH... let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

SM12's picture

Yep...I was thrown into the midst of my toxic triangle early on...It took one confrontation for the BM to figure out I am NOT one to be messed with. Now she lies to reptend I don't exist. Which is GREAT with me. But of course she then started in on DH. I have to fight the urge DAILY to step in and defend his ass but I refuse. He laid with that bitch so he can deal with her. Had he stood up for himself early on he woudn't be in the situation he is in. At least he no longer expects me to be involved.
I will give my opinion if asked...or if he is doing something that affects me...otherwise I could care less.

Itsnotmyworld's picture

Thanks for the feedback. Feels good to know I'm not alone and others have survived the nightmare too. DH tried to make me his scapegoat which has me questioning this whole marriage BS. What I do know is no one wants to assume that role so trying to avoid it is self preservation lol I totally ignored his attempts. If We can't remain married without a got damn triangle then "F" them all. There is a whole world out there waiting for me to explore.

DarkStar's picture

These types of guys want to be parents in name only.

They would never admit it, but they expect their wives to luuuuurrrrve and parent their little skidlings so they don't have to.

Stormyweather's picture

My DH has moved out and is living in a rental with his son16... It's actually wonderful despite me feeling like my life is now in limbo waiting for DH to " get it"... I too got tired of being thrown under the bus and one incident involving SD21 was my hill to die on moment and I wouldn't let go despite my DH pressuring me to "move on" after his shitty behavior towards me.

It's interesting that since him and SS16 is back living together on their own again that they are now having attitude issues again... It's like what one poster said that these men only parent in name only and having me there ( as the SM) allows projection and Blame to come my way instead of where it should be. So it's forcing them to have to face reality together without me being there to calm or being blamed for stupid things, which creates a diversion away from DH's shitty parenting skills.

I'm in the process of determining if I want a divorce now... I've told him I do but he insists he wants to make it work... I've yet to see any solid evidence where he " gets me" and is truly understanding how his behavior contributes to our problem. His communication skills are SHIT and I'm so tired trying get him to see how he treatment of me isn't in fact sustainable for a healthy relationship. His blue print of being a healthy partner isn't good ( bad toxic upbringing) but at the time I too had a the same upbringing so was attracted to his style but in getting healthy now and see it for what it is and my rose coloured glasses are off. DH is lagging behind and I'm not sure if we have a future together to be honest.

Good luck... Stick firm to your beliefs and seek counselling to support you to clarify your thoughts and needs in a relationship. Men are seriously dumb when it comes to how to be in a relationship and need to be open to wanting to change. Otherwise it's all talk and no action as they have no understanding of how their behavior comes across to others and how their treatment of you is toxic... Hence will continue to make the same mistakes.... It's not looking promising for me and our future. Sad

Itsnotmyworld's picture

Sometimes I wonder why it never occurs to stupid people that maybe reading a book or talking to someone with experience might help them. Oh because they are too stupid to know that. Some people are a waste of space IMO. I'm always reading and studying to gain knowledge yet I'm constantly accused of being a know it all. Hell, I damn sure know more than the fools that I was triangled with. I just learned about the whole triangle thing. They couldn't pay me to be a part of their mess now. I'm better and I'm beyond them thanks to my readings.

Stormyweather's picture

Because they view learning critically as it highlights how little they do know and that in turn makes them feel threatened and then they would have to do something about it... Ignorance is bliss I guess as it means it's always always someone else's fault and never their own...

There's no scope for self reflection or having self awareness about their own behaviour, thus being able to take responsibility for themselves.

It's far easier to continually blame other people for their failings in life.