im a dad and i am slowly dying on the inside will i be ok ?????
hi everyone , i realy hope someone can help me with some advice
So here it is:
i have 2 beautifull children 3 and 4 years old and a stepchild that is 11 years old.
my step daughter is trying to break us up and im sorry to say it is working! , everything she says her mom believes , and i mean everything.she actually even googled how do i get rid of my step dad and her mom is like ok with it , saying its normal . there is history but i feel like im fighting a loosing battle, now me and the wife is fighting , and its realy bad!!!!! now everything i do is wrong the way i walk the way i talk , the way i freaking open a door is selfish!!! can you believe it..... ? im getting more and more angry and sad and very unhappy , now i think its time to leave, deep down i guess i want to stay because of my kids , beacuse in my head am i bad dad if we split up will they be ok will i be ok , if this happens she will move to another city durban and it will be a 2 hour flight to see my kids so i wont see them alot at all anymore and it breaks my heart!!!! wil i be ok , will my kids be ok , please help , but its so toxic that i just cant win anymore and the mother is not doing anything about it
Time to leave her. How much
Time to leave her. How much do you need to beg and plead with her before you realize it's futile.
thankyou what is your
thankyou what is your experience in all this , what have you gone through
feel pretty alone but i guess alot of people were the better them after everything
will i be ok when all of this goes through
need advice because im in a dark place
Consult with an attorney. It
Consult with an attorney. It is common that a judge will order neither parent can move out of the area without both parents agreeing, in the best interest of the children. 50/50 custody is common these days.
Yes you'll be fine. Rip the
Yes you'll be fine. Rip the bandaid off. It will hurt for three days. But in the end you'll have autonomy and freedom and you'll get to meet someone without so much baggage. Take care of your heart. You sound like a decent guy. Sorry you had two kids with her. Or you could put the 11 year old in her place and punish her.
Say what? It will hurt for 3
Say what? It will hurt for 3 days? In what universe? He has CHILDREN he won't see daily anymore. Wow. Way to minimize the family unit.
Not saying he should stay but that is utter BS>
lady, calm down. No need to
lady, calm down. No need to attack a fellow poster and swear at them.
I didn't sweart at you, I
I didn't sweart at you, I said what you said was BS. Not the same thing at all!
When my SD was being a bitch
When my SD was being a bitch to me at age 11 we just punished her. I still punish her every chance I get. I hate and resent her with all of my being.
im not allowed to do anything
im not allowed to do anything because im not her dad , but i take care of her because her dad is a bum , but she obviosly chooses her dad but the sad thing is she is actually the cause that i wont see my children anymore so much , and that breaks me hei , i want to pull my hair out becuse the mom allways sides with her child, im actually going crazy and so resentfull that she is the reason my children will move cities and her mom is not helping
Rey, I so feel for you. This
Rey, I so feel for you. This is why bioless adults need to hook up with other bioless adults, and adults with children from previous relationships need to hook up with their same. If you also had a child, for instance, either a) It would become more obvious to your wife how ridiculous her expectations are regarding her own child. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want any child of yours from a previous relationship acting the same way or able to get away with the same as hers; or, b) At least there would be some sort of feeling of give and take vs. just you being expected to do all of the giving, over and over for someone else's child.
And, like you so now realize, your wife and her relationship with her child will affect any ours children you have too. You wind up supporting someone else's child, which, let's be honest, takes away from the finances, energy, etc. of the entire household, including any ours children, and your big thanks is to earn the title of Evil Step-dad for not letting someone else's "Little Angel" do as they so please.
Your wife has completely set you up for this, by the way. She wants to be able to have her cake and eat it too. She has you supporting her and her child financially, she is a lazy and guilty parent (at least to her own), and she has no problem letting her own child run feral. She set all of this up--her child learned early on how easy it is to manipulate mom, mom made it clear to her that you were "beneath" her Little Angel and that she didn't have to listen to you, and, at least initially, you went along with this. So, now here you are years down the road. Your wife has no incentive to change because you have been basically letting her rob your own bank (whether that be financially or emotionally or otherwise) for years with little to no repercussions. She needs an ultimatum. If she wants a feral child, fine, she can have one, but you are no longer going to be a part of her fiasco.
Regarding your own children, make sure you get a good lawyer and go for 50:50 custody if you decide to go that route. You MUST take care of them. You don't want them becoming feral and acting out like your SD. Remember, too, when you are looking for a new SO, that you are now in the category of being an available adult with children and seek out the same. Don't put a single, bioless woman through what you went through. She won't know what is coming, and we don't want to see her here on these pages several years from now complaining about how she has to put up with a a manipulative, controlling BM and a patsy DH.
Good luck with whatever you choose. Counseling is always an option, but if BM hasn't flinched yet by this time regarding kissing her Little Angel's butt every second of every hour of every day, I doubt counseling would be able to open her up to the reality that a child is to be treated like a child and a husband is to be treated like a husband, and not, as she has it set up so well for herself, the reverse. Her child gets to be treated more like a spouse, while her spouse gets to be treated more like a child.
wow wise words thankyou so
wow wise words thankyou so much for the advice!!!!!
You have recourse if you are
You have recourse if you are worried she will take your kids to another city. She can't just simply do that without going through a court process.
First off, stop doing things
First off, stop doing things for her. She is not your child and has made that abundantly clear. When she wants or needs something refer her to her mother.
She can't just move without
She can't just move without court approval. Court will not approve unless there is a VERY good reason to uproot them.
Welcome to the site!
To make a success of a family in which there are step kids, the adult partners need to be on the same page regarding setting boundaries for the kids, and the bio parent needs to have the step parent's back. The parents need to be a team. This seems like very far away from the situation you are in. Unless your wife is going to stand with you and not allow and even encourage her daughter in her attitude to you, I'm afraid you have no chance. I'm very sorry - you seem very sad. A lot of people on this site have gone through what you are going through.
does it make me a bad dad for
does it make me a bad dad for leaving , because i feel like when im happy im a better dad
I asked that same question
I asked that same question once. But, then realized I was causing my child anxiety by staying in a hostile, tense situation. Kids pick up on everything and it does effect thier behavior. My son barely remembers when his dad and I were together and he adjusted well to going between homes. I was willing to focus on making the best life for my son. No other expectations. I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man. But, even if not I wasnt going to stay and let my child grow up thinking the relationship I had with my husband was normal. Because it was anything but.
Of course you are a better
Of course you are a better dad happy! No, leaving a marriage does not make you a bad dad.
Sometimes a marriage just doesn't work. Also- divorce doesn't have to mean that a kid looses a parent. My kids and their dad are very close. He lives across the country and they are still close! They facetime all the time. The visit for all the school breaks (except I get 1/2 of Christmas). He comes to town if he is going to not see them for more than 6 weeks and gets a hotel and will take them for the weekend. It works! We co parent well and always keep their best interest at heart.
If her mother believes that
If her mother believes that this child isn't doing anything wrong and allowing her to come in between your marriage- you know what you have to do.
What you have isn't a real marriage. It is a terrorist situation.
you are spot on i just want
you are spot on i just want to feel like im not the only person going through this , its so toxic!!!!!!!! i have tried everything
Time to leave. The writing is
Time to leave. The writing is on the wall. If someone chooses their kids lies, poor behavior and disrespect over their partner then there is nothing you can do from here forward. This does not change. The child has way too much power in the household and what you have is not a real marriage. It is a very shallow relationship that is controlled by a birth parent and child. You deserve more.
thankyou , is there anyone
thankyou , is there anyone with a simular situation? what did you do , and are you ok ? and are you better off
I was in a similar situion.
I was in a similar situation. It lasted for nearly five years and I left. It was hard for about a year but I slowly got better with time. I recently started dating again. I am now dating someone without children whom has a lot less baggage and whom I can tell loves and cares for me. In my previous relationship I felt as though he only cared about what I could do for him and his kids, however I began to feel he did not care for me. The difference with my relationship now compared to my former relationship is night and day. I no longer feel I am with someone with whom I am an afterthought most of the time. It did not matter how nice I was to his kids. They will always want their parent to themselves and will go to great lengths to make sure of this. Their bio parent will always side with them over you no matter how nice you were to them. This was my experience. It was a lose lose situation. Those children are not loyal to you and never will be. Life is much better now. It took some pain, time and healing but I am very glad I left. It was an experience I had to go through to realize I do not want to be with someone who has children from a previous relationship. There is a much better and brighter life for you out there if you allow yourself to find it.
If you leave, take your kids.
If you leave, take your kids. You have just as much right to them as she does. I'd recommend not moving out so you don't forfeit your home and kids. Sleep in a separate room, but don't leave (and don't let her evict you).
Talk to a father's rights attorney who actually has a gold record of getting even parenting time. 50/50 should be easy enough.
Document everything that your SD is doing to break up the marriage. It may or may not help.
There are a lot of websites and forums for dads in your situation that will provide better feedback on how to handle this.
her family lives in another
her family lives in another city , she wont be able to make it here where i live and work unfortunately , and my kids are young they need the mother alot now , its just painfull the idea of my kids moving , i wish everything could just be better!!!!!!!!!!!
She will be fine, she isnt
She will be fine, she isnt worried about your happiness right now, so why are you putting her first. If you are willing to be a part of your children's lives that should be your priority. Not her welfare or well being. As long as you are willing to step up and provide for your kids, she can handle providing for herself and her daughter.
None of that matters. She can
None of that matters. She can't take the kids without court approval. If she tries just file in court to keep them in your town. She can be the long distance parent. You can lean on your family and daycare. It is ok! That is what she would be doing too, there is nothing to say you won't be just as good as the primary as her.
I think the issue is
I think the issue is you have kids together. If you didn't it would be easier to leave.Now it is more complicated.
tell me about it!!!!
tell me about it!!!! nightmare
I think the problem is when
I think the problem is when you're with someone who has kids, the kids come first. This feels crappy enough then add one the fact that divorced parents take it several steps further and allow their kids to not only be spoiled but also are idolized and allowed to run the household. It doesn't make for a good relationship.
Have to agree with Floppy
Have to agree with Floppy here. I would pursue counseling with you and your wife, not the child for now. Find a counselor that won't put 'child' above parental authority and the marriage. I think letting your kids move away would be a huge mistake. It's VERY likely your SD will hit an age where she will clash REALLY heavy with BM and possibly even move to her bio-dads. Typically around age 14-15ish. Can you hang in there that long? Disengage and just focus on your work, your kids, find some hobbies? Find happiness outside of the relationship sort of speak (no, not talking about affairs).
Become of stone, stop doing for her at all. Demand that BM pay her own kids way/needs. She can sue her ex for CS if need be or get a part time job. Disengagement has helped save plenty of marriages on this board. Do some reading about it.
And if all else fails, make
And if all else fails, make sure it's her who leaves, not you, and do not let her take the kids! If she wants to go back to her family, let her and let her do it with her little princess but not with yours. She can get a lawyer and battle it out for them.
You can do this!
shit i hope she doesnt get
shit i hope she doesnt get worse!!!! i get so angry like next level , very difficult to keep calm
im 30 , to young for this shit
thankyou for the advice
thankyou for the advice appreciate it
In my experience, when my ex
In my experience, when my ex and I split, it was getting quite ugly between us. I also nitpicked at him over every little thing. It just got to a point where his very proximity felt like a huge weight on me. All of the small things from over the years piled up. Breaking up was the best thing we ever did. It allowed us (or at least I can speak for myself) to go on and become whole, independent people. It took some time for the hurt and bad feelings to dissipate and for some levels of forgiveness to be given, but we communicate and coparent pretty decent now that we're apart from each other. Sometimes I still think he's...hmmmm.....woefully misguided? (LOL) But I treat him respectfully regardless, and am even friendly. It does no one any good for he and I to be at odds with each other, least of all our son.
I think it has to do with the maturity level of each parent as to whether they can have a good coparenting relationship after a messy breakup. But that shouldn't be a deciding factor in staying together or not. If a relationship becomes toxic, it only does more harm to stay in it.
Have you brought this up with her before and it never gets better? Or is this something that's been building inside of you while you quietly grit your teeth and try to get through each day? It takes a fair amount of personal reflection and the ability to see one's own flaws, on both sides, if you do try to work it out.
However, if you were a woman posting this, the responses would be a resounding: "LeAvE hEr--YoU dEsErVe BeTtEr!" (and even I'm guilty of that) So take my two cents for whatever its worth. Just trying to show two sides of the coin. Best of luck.
thankyou for the advice im
thankyou for the advice im glad you happy now
Get a killer Attorney, make
Get a killer Attorney, make sure to load your home with Web cams and get hours of footage of your toxic Skid's crap. Divorce your idiot wife's toxic ass and do what is necessary to get 50/50 physical and legal custody then shut down any discussion of your STBXW moving our of state with your kids.
Do not continue to sacrifice yourself on the alter of SParental martyrdom to this toxic prior relationship sex trophy and your venomous wife. Your kids need to see their dad happy, confident and living his best life. Even if that life is not with their toxic mother.
Protect yourself, protect your kids.