I Think This Was Worse Than Being Cheated On...Or at Least Runner Up
Tonight my husband told me, " You do too much by the book for me...you're uptight, have no personality, and you're going to be that uptight lawyer, and that's why YOU'RE going to be alone. You want to be alone ..and thats just not me."
As I turned and picked my pride and jaw off of the floor, my eyes welled up with tears and I broke down sobbing in our bedroom. He then comes in and says, " Oh, so now you're mad at me?"
I had to take moment to regain my composure after that comment too! "Are you F'in serious? Mad at you?" I couldn't believe he was trying to turn it around on me. All of this started because he is dissatisfied with his life,, his choices and his career options. When he was younger, he got in trouble - that affected his ability to get certain jobs later on in life. Now, since I guess he can't ( or he thinks he cant) get a job in the medical field as a physical therapist or X-Ray technologist, his next best option is as a massage therapist. I explained to him that if thats what he wasnt's to try it and see if he likes it, he has to enroll in school, graduate, pass your licesure and have insurance...and oh yeah, find clients.
He got upset with me saying he has the personality to talk to people and make them feel comfortable. He could go put an ad on Craigsli... and get paid alot of money. I'm not doubting his people skills. but I was telling him to do it the right way. I also shared with him that I was a little uncomfortable with the idea of him "massaging" women. I live here in DC and the women here are very...forward/aggressive, for a lack of a better word. I mean, I'm seeing how he wants to do things "not buy the books" and how hes looking for the easy way (and unprofessional) way to go about things. This made me say, "wel, since you're so desperate to make more money, and you're willing to take that risk of going to jail behind having no massage license/certification, how will you handle a female client who comes on to you? I asked him if he would have an issue with me responding to an ad from some guy who wants to do massages with no certification or license; and wouldn't you question his motive?
My feelings are beyond hurt. It appears that he doesnt even like me as a person. He even got mad at me today - very angry, because I wasn't home with the take out before he got home. Personally, I dont buy it..I think he's looking for things to compalin about so I will leave.
I really feel awful right now...I wish I could stop crying.
Sweetie, your obviously
Sweetie, your obviously smart. He's an idiot. He made his mistakes, and YOU shouldn't have to pay for them. Walk away and find a guy worth building a life with.
It sounds like he looks for
It sounds like he looks for the easy way out of everything. Offering massages on Craigslist...muchless without a license. Those are the Craigslist killers you hear about. I can't imagine many people still respond to such ads. At least not without expecting a 'lil somethin'-somethin' on the side. Someone looking for a reputable massage therapist is going to go to a practice. Sounds like he's just looking for fast money any way he can get it.
It sounds like he's wanting the easy way out of your marriage as well. It sounds like he is unhappy, but doesn't want to be the one to call it quits, so he's pushing you to that point. If you're the one who walks away, it'll be easy for him to throw the blame at you for giving up on it. By no means am I suggesting it would, in fact, be your fault. I'm just saying it'd be an easy copout for him.
Even with that, it seems that may be the best thing for you to do. Comments like those were the downfall of my first marriage. One day I caught my ex in a lie about a $300 golf club he purchased after he confiscated my bank card & my key to the Jeep he traded MY car in for because he said it was costing too much for me to drive it to & from work. He left me with his 14-year old Jetta that couldn't pass inspection because it had bad tires & bad brakes. When I found his $300 receipt & questioned him, he told me I was selfish & stupid. That was all it took. I told him 1 1/2 weeks later I was looking for a place & I would be leaving.
He apologized & told me he didn't mean it...he was just upset. I believe some things can just be said in anger, but I believe that words such as those truly come from somewhere. I explained that forever is a long time to live unhappy. It wasn't fair to him to have to spend forever with a wife he felt that way about, & it wasn't fair to me to have to spend forever with a husband who felt that way about me. If I was going to spend my life with someone, it was going to be someone I knew would have my back...no matter what. Without trust & respect, I could never feel confident that he'd have my back & be my support when I needed it.
If he can't respect your conviction to play life by the rules & the fact that you respect yourself enough to put forth an honest effort to do things the right way, he doesn't deserve forever with you. You deserve a man who shares those same morals & would appreciate that in you.
Let him be mad. Let him throw blame. You take care of you & let him do the same. Forever is a long time to spend with someone like him.
I'm so hurt right now I just
I'm so hurt right now I just can't stand it. He apologized this morning, but it didn't help me feel any better. I still felt bad about myself and like I was holding him back.
And yes, I told him that he's willing to work unlicensed to make money...what kind of "clients" do you think you're going to attract with an ad on CL? Seriousley? He makes me feel like I'm the one with the problem and that I dont trust HIM and I'm uptight and I'm (this or that)
Yeah, I guess I'm a little uptight about some issues...I know I am..I get it from an uptight mother. I hate this about myself. This just made me feel like I ruined the marriage...
Maybe he IS justified in what he said....Im not saying his intentions are smart in regards to massage therapy...but I know I am uptight and opinionated -maybe I deserved that...
WHOA! Stop right there, Dee!
WHOA! Stop right there, Dee! Do NOT make excuses for his bad behavior or your "being uptight." There are state licensed massage therapists who work for themselves & do post ads on Craigslist. However; to be unlicensed and on CL is opening up the door to things you might find "questionable." You are studying to become an officer of the court. I'm not saying that attorneys don't do anything questionable or above the law- however in my own experience while studying to become a paralegal? I was involved with a man who was doing so many questionable things in his life with unsavory people and I simply had to make the choice to walk away from said man. You're too smart and it is NOT your responsibility for your DH's past indiscretions. He is a grown man to which he must face the consequences of bad/poor decision making. Unless you feel compelled to enable his codependency tendencies? By all mean; I understand love and support. This man needs a wake up call. Apologies are a dime a dozen; if he shows no repentance for his behaviors & cannot accept responsibility for his actions? Ahh, I've been down this road once or twice & I've paid the price. I'd much rather sleep alone in peace than live in a constant place of conflict. If he doesn't like you; I get it. Why live a lie? Keep us up to date. I sincerely wish you the best. ((Big HUG)) We'll be here...
He could be picking fights
He could be picking fights with you because he is cheating on you. I'm sorry to say it, but this is exactly what my ex husband did when he was cheating. If you don't have kids together leave and save yourself years of upset! There are wonderful men out there who will appreciate you
It used to happen here that
It used to happen here that DH would goad me into a discussion that usually ended up heated and he'd manipulate the situation round that it was my fault somehow. This happened two or three times before I sussed out what was going on. He does not want the marraige to end and he will not put me out, he would rather I left of my own accord so that he can assuage his own feelings of guilt etc. Ohhh NO buddy! Not happening! I stood my ground, remained even natured and calm...never mind that I had internal panic going on...and I calmly waited him out. The best thing to achieve in any relationship is your own happiness first!!
first of all, an unlicensed
first of all, an unlicensed massage therapist is known as a prostitute. especially advertising on craigsl....
do you know, honestly know a single solitary adult woman who would actually call a total stranger with no licensing from am internet ad?
do you?
he's a skeeze. seriously.
you're not uptight. that's verbal abuse, gaslighting.
gaslighting sucks. it's a very manipulative technique usually used by utter bastards. I spent three years with one, I should know.
walk away.
I don't think this is a deal
I don't think this is a deal breaker. I think this guy probably feels emasculated because his wife is going to be the bread winner. I'm not saying the way he is dealing with this is the right way, but I think he probaly feels like you'll think less of him so he is giving you an out by belitting you and starting arguments with you.
You really need to look at the totality of the relationship and figure out what it is he DOES bring to the relationship. Your pro column may be smaller than the cons columm, but the things that are in the pros column may far outway the many cons. Only you can determine if the relationship is worth it.
If you decide that it is, you really need to sit and talk with him and let him know that his way of communicating his feelings to you are just not acceptable. If necessary try marriage counseling before you decide to walk out of the marriage. At least you'll know that you did everything you could to save it.