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How do you all handle guilt of coming here...?

Lioness77's picture

:?

I know Maybe It's not guilt. But. Does anyone else ever wonder, if your SO read everything you posted here, would it end your relationship? My FDH can be a hot head when he's mad ..
If he read everything I vented here about his previous teenage hellions, he would for sure leave me..even though he agrees some of the time.

And part of me wonders.... if I feel this way and can say these things here, how can it be good to stay?? How can a step family possibly not fall apart? I really do NOT like his kids..I just can't do it.

I know I know.. this is why we have this place.. because its " our therapy".. " our forum to go without judgment and find understanding with people as normal in the same situations as we are..

But... if your SO could read everything you had to say... would it end you?

Part of me worries.. but part of me doesn't care... they drive me crazy .. rude, irresponsible, mouthy... I can't handle it. I need to vent here...

twopines's picture

>>>But... if your SO could read everything you had to say... would it end you?<<<

No. The things I've written here are very tame compared to what I've said to his face about his girl spawn.

ladyfosho's picture

Ditto. I don't think he would love everything I have said, but it's not like anyone could be identified. But he isn't in the dark completely when it comes to my feelings about his kid.

Dragonflyo226's picture

Guilt? What guilt?
There is a very good possibility that my SO would head for the door if he read the stuff I write, but he doesn't read my journal, so I know he won't be checking this out. Or, there is always the far reaching possiblility that reading this would finally shed an objective light on things for him. Either way, I'm not worried about it; I need to vent to people who understand, and I'm tired of laying it at the feet of my friends and family. If I didn't have this my head would explode!

unwillingparticipant's picture

OH GOOD LORD, DH and I would have the blowout of the century if he read my posts!!!! Thankfully, I haven't even figured out how to read my previous entries so I'm pretty confident DH won't either. He does know I'm on this site but he doesn't know the things I write.

momof3vt's picture

My DH doesn't even know I am on this site. However, we talk about the issues with my daughter and his daughter in search of answers. So if he ever did read what I wrote, I don't think it would end the relationship. I think he would probably ask me what others are saying! Smile

giveitago's picture

DH knows I am here, I flat out tell him it's here or I am 'in his face!' I tone mine down a bit too, like twopines says.
DH thinks it's great, because once I've 'vented' I feel better and I am a nicer person to be around! If DH wanted to read it then he's at liberty to do so, I do not hide it at all. I told him I needed someone just to identify with and know that I am not alone here, I did feel isolated until I found this site.
EVERYONE, not just us SM's, needs a place just to vent, it just so happens that we have more shit that we are dealing with than most. It also happens that here is much better than our friends at times, who might have a biased opinion, and on here we can pick and choose our times to vent, respond or just read posts...perfect!
Teenagers are a hell of a species at the best of times!
I have no guilt about coming on here, why should I?

daysleeper's picture

Oh man, if I didn't vent here, I'd be the biggest nightmare ever. I sound like a complete stepdouche on here because I let my nastiest out here, and it's all smiles and happiness around SO and SD. Thank God for Steptalk.

frustrated-mom's picture

I wouldn’t call it guilt, but I do have some fear about what I’ve posted being read and used against me. My SD says I hate her, and while there's part of me that would like to confirm that I do, my DH would be upset if he knew I said that.

So for DH’s sake, I try to fake that I like her, that I’m concerned about her and I want her to be part of our family. Saying that makes me want to vomit and the only way I can get through it is to know I can at least be honest somewhere.

If what I’ve posted was printed out and given to SD15‘s maternal relatives, my DH would never live it down and that would hurt him. He’s devastated that his daughter no longer wants him in her life.

I had a scare earlier in the year when SD15 was using the computer in our living room and had found a way around the Netnanny software. For several weeks until we found out she was doing this, she could have seen that I was going to StepTalk in the browser history and I might have been logged in so she could have found my blog posts.

I stopped coming to the site until SD15 was out of the house. It truly does make things easier to know that a place like this exists and to read comments from other stepmoms dealing with other situations.

The stepmoms I know in real life are far too much the permissive parent types. I could never say anything I post on here to them. They would be far too judgmental and are too pro-skid.

I tried complaining about SD15 to a woman I worked with who had two skids and it was like talking to BM. She has a SS that is rude and disrespectful and she lets him walk all over her. But she claims she’s soooo happy and her SS loves her soooo much. Vomit.

It’s also difficult to be honest about the problems with SD15 with anyone I know in real life. We’ve told neighbors and friends that SD15 isn’t living with us because she had better opportunities to do equestrian events living with her aunt and uncle. I feel like I can’t be truthful about what a brat she is without making DH look bad. I have to lie and say how great she is and how much I miss her. :sick:

Just be careful about posting on here on a shared computer and frequently clear your browser history.

mombydefault's picture

My DH knows how I feel and does his best to try & understand it. He knows I go to an online stepparent site (although I doubt he knows the site name). He does wish that I would leave it at venting to him instead of to others as well. He doesn't want to admit that he can't truly be non-biased when listening to me vent about his kid (and the egg donor), but he would never tell me not to go to the site. He wouldn't be thrilled to see what I have written on the site, but at the same time it would not be surprising to him because we communicate about everything including my stress at parenting his child. Ending our relationship over reading what I have written here would not even be a passing thought.

Lioness77's picture

I'm so glad that I have this place and for you other stepmoms . I thought for the longest time that something was wrong with me... not being able to.bond or " fall in love " with his kids... I'm telling you I've thought about giving up at times in the past four years.. I was so chicken, for months I lurked and read and when I finally got up the nerve to join, my first post felt like floodgates opening and a great release of anger, frustration and in some ways, sadness.

Thank you all for replying. Keep talking! We all need it Smile
I love the responses I've gotten because I feel less horrible for the things I think and feel.

NotSureAnymore's picture

AGREED lioness77

It has released alot of stress... made me feel almost more human. I didnt know why i didnt feel like a 'wonder SM'... Now i understand that there are so many issues involved in being a step parent. I think this place allows us to be better Step parents... because in reality who is gonna look at their friend in the face and say 'i think i dislike my SK'... and then the petty things people see as petty... without seeing the whole.
Thanks guys... i think even wen we are getting petty its best to do it in a forum than towards the people we love...

instantfamily's picture

Oh, my DH is fully aware of what I post on here if he cares to ask or listen and in many, many ways he completely agrees- his kids are WAY screwed up. He actually used to post on here, too, but other family drama took precident. We both know the skids behavior is because of BM being a psycho and all therapists have confirmed that; however, they're still gigantic pains in the ass to the both of us and we are equally exhausted, horrified, frustrated, angry, hopeless at times, etc. If my DH wasn't on the same page with me about how difficult his kids are, I would not be married to him and he is fully aware of that fact. I don't know how a marriage could survive without the spouse knowing how you felt about their kids, but that's just me and I'm very frank about my feelings. Fortunately, my husband likes that.

Rational1's picture

DH ASKs SO whats new on steptalk? He is fully aware of everything and sometimes reads for advice or to see what I'm feeling Smile

cruzella's picture

Gosh I do feel guilty coming here. Problem is I don't know who I can talk to who would understand why I don't like kids. My friends have kids. I do nails and sometimes go to my friends house and do their nails and they kids start touching all my stuff and the parent wont tell them to stop. I hate it. I love animals so much and will do anything for them but I can't say the same for kids. I am such an evil person. Not really but sort of. I am Christian too. What a contradiction. I love Jesus but dislike kids. Hmmm.. Well I have prayed to God to help me with my kid problem.

planningMyEscape's picture

Oh my SO doesn't know this site exists, and I'd like to keep it that way. He is SO DEFENSIVE of his kids (well I should say of his 2 oldest, my sks). He can never, ever admit that they do any wrong and it would turn into world war III if he knew I came here and vented about them. I have tried a million times telling him how I feel, but his defenses go up whenever "the children" are even mentioned, so I have disengaged. I love this site though, and am so thankful I found it.

cruzella's picture

Me too. I thought I was the only one out there that didn't not only like kids but like their husband's kids. Mine is also very defensive of them. I have never done them wrong, laid a hand on them or even screamed at them. Not once, granted it's been only 3 years. He has hit my dog once and my dog is my kid. He made a huge mistake and he paid for it. I think that deep down he regrets having kids because they are freakin huge responsibility and pain in the ass. He gets irritated with them sometimes when he is cooking breakfast and the youngest one isn't behaving then he takes it out on me. I am like hey I had nothing to do with you and your egg donor having kids. So I notice that happens a lot that he takes out his frustration of his kids on me. He is so defensive of them that I am afraid to scold them or repremand them. So I leave him with his own problem.

ltanya's picture

My SO knows how I feel - but I tone it down with him. If he knew how much I REALLY disliked them, I'm sure there'd be problems.

nola2011's picture

My DH is clueless that I'm here. If he read what I posted, he'd divorce me in a millisecond. Nevermind that I love his kids, am involved in their lives... how dare I criticize them? In public!?!?! My DH's ego is so wrapped up in his kids it would be a personal assault to them and him. Who cares if what I say is true or not, that no one can identify who we are and that none of you could care less who he is... his ego would overpower all common sense or seeing what I've written or how I feel.

I'm new here but it helps so much. Being a SP... I feel so alone sometimes here, that what I say or how I feel doesn't matter at all. Just to have someone respond and understand is a life-saver.

hbell0428's picture

My DH has no idea that I am here; but if he stumbled upon it; he would figure out who I am easily.......I B**** about the same stuff I do to him. It may hurt his feelings a bit; but deep down I think he knows. After 14 years of helping raise his princess spawn he created........we have no relationship at all. It is sad; but true. I am counted the years. Three more to go. I am sorry but "they" created her and allowed her to be the spoiled person she is. At first I caught slack for not buying her Sh** but after she stole from me, lied, snuck boys in and disrespected me in my home......I think DH is okay w/ me not wanting to go the extra mile anymore. Each situation is differenct; if your partner doesn't know there is an issue........they are in denial!!

justa102's picture

I don't feel guilty at all. And yes, I'm going to guess if he did get a chance to read my posts we'd have a fight like you wouldn't imagine. I know one thing he'd say already.. "Why do you have to talk to people you don't know when you could talk to me?" We've had this conversation already! But I don't feel this is any different than me talking to a friend about my issues. He knows that I go onto a message board but he doesn't know which one and plus, I do private browsing when I do go on here. I want this board to be just as private as my conversations with my friends unless I want it publicly known. It's a choice..

Lioness77's picture

I agree. It's our therapy. And, its not $$$. When I vented and posted this, I didn't know I would get such a huge response. It's nice to know I'm not alone. So nice. And I don't feel so nuts knowing there are others as frustrated / needing a place to go.