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How many really think about leaving???

baseballgirly's picture

I've read a lot of blogs lately. They are all different with one very common thread. It seems most of us are so fed up we mention leaving quite often. Like myself, I mention leaving because I'm so terribly unhappy I would like a means to an end. Will I ever get the courage to leave? Probably not. Will I harp and complain about my step kids?? Most definately.

What holds us here?? Do we all love our SOs that much more than we hate our SKs??? My SO is RESPONSIBLE for how his kids turned out... that right there is a factor in leaving alone!!!

I stay here out of guilt. Knowing that SO will be stuck selling the house and renting again and using credit (which is almost maxxed out now) to pay his bills. Since I really actually do love SO, I don't wish bad things on him. So guilt it is. I live in a life I don't like or want because someone else will suffer tremendously if I leave.

Sometimes I pray for a huge blowout fight so he can be the one to end it and I will be guilt free!!! Smile

How about you??? Why do you stay??


herewegoagain's picture

The ONLY reason I have stayed is because I look at OUR son together, how much OUR son loves his daddy, how AWESOME my DH is with OUR son and thus I think..."why should I break up this family because of those WITCHES!!! That is exactly what THEY WANT! I will NOT give them the pleasure of destroying OUR family, which my BS loves, my DH loves and I love just because they want us to split up and have a crappy life like them...

Provided they didn't exist, we would have hardly ANY issues at all. Therefore, I will NOT give in to their crap. That is exactly what these ex's and skids want. I will NOT give in and break up our family to please them. I will just fight harder.

Now if my DH cheated, I'd be out the door. But I have always told my DH that our relationship WILL end if WE have an issue together, but NOT because his pathetic loser ex, kid and family want it that way.

Little by little this has made my DH realize how evil they are, how they should feel jealous of our awesome family and thus we have become a more united front...he no longer puts up with their crap. He has now put his foot down and is ALSO not willing to lose our family to please them.

dancingwatermom's picture

I do stay b/c I love DH. However, even last night after a SD fight I laid in bed daydreaming about life without all the drama and the guily dad syndrome. DH and I are pretty good about communicating but sometimes I think about what life would be life for just DD and I. Sure, our lives would change drastically but sometimes I just don't want to be reminded daily that I have to help pay for someone else's kid. Especially, when my kid gets the short end of the stick sometimes. I also stay because DH makes me laugh when I don't think I can.

the_stepmonster's picture

I think about leaving my husband every other weekend. Then once the weekend is over I go back to thinking he is the most incredible husband ever and how lucky I am to have him. I will give you one guess what happens in our house every other weekend...

birdsofafeather's picture

Ditto Smile

herewegoagain's picture

I feel that way too...sometimes love is NOT enough when you don't have your own kids to also worry about. I might DATE my DH if we didn't have kids together, but NEVER live with him or see or be involved with his crazy ex and kid.

Kes's picture

I do not have any bio kids with my DH - we met when I was mid 40's. The reason I stay is that my first marriage lasted 24 years and for the last 10 of those was very unhappy and my ex treated me very badly.
My DH, on the other hand, is a sweetie and is so kind and loving to me always. I suffer from depression and he is supportive and understanding. He has a nightmare ex and difficult teenage daughters - but mostly we are on the same page regarding them.
Despite this - I still sometimes cannot stand the situation with BM and SDs - it gets so bad I do think of leaving. The only time we have rows is over them. I think the one thing that would make me leave is if one of them moved in with us - then it would definitely be on the cards.

DaizyDuke's picture

I have two major reasons for staying. 1. Beacuse we are married and I take the marraige vows that we exchanged seriously. I have to repeat to myself almost like a mantra sometimes... "for better or worse, for better or worse" 2. Because we have a 22 month old son.

I can honestly say though that there have been a couple of times when BMs have been raising hell or I am just so sick of skid nonsense that I have thought about leaving, actually ran through my head how that would look, what that would entail, actually figured out my bills and what type of house I could afford for me and BS1. But then things settle down and our nice, quiet, happy life return until the next BM/skid raising hell cycle begins.

do you actually have cycles like this or is it just nonsense 24/7? It's hard to not put blame on our SO/DH/BF for things that sometimes are out of their control. One time when BS was like 2 months old I flipped out about something BM#2 did and told DH I was done, I was leaving. I finally came to my senses when he was like "why are you punishing me for something that SHE did, I can't control her, I can't fix the fact that she is a bitch." It's hard! I totally understand where you are coming from!

mama_althea's picture

So far the good is outweighing the bad...but the balance shifts back and forth, kind of like how an old-fashioned scale goes back and forth a bunch of times before it balances.

But I think about ending the relationship. Not as much as I did when I first joined here...I've learned a lot in how to talk to SO and how to deal with SD...but I know it could happen.

alwaysanxious's picture


giveitago's picture

I stayed purely for corny as this sounds I fell instantly in love, at first sight, with SD and SS when they were 10 years old. I also got to know elder SS from age 16.
All three of DH's kids were abandoned to us by their bio moms (2 of) coincidentally as soon as I appeared on the scene?
It's hell on wheels at times but DH and I really love each other and, though we fight over issues regarding kids, we have all survived. Elder SS is 23 and younger two made 18.
I have three bio kids who are grown, so I am not unfamiliar with raising kids, however, entitled kids are a different story!
I disengaged, I figured they are going to grow up regardless of what I do/not do. DH pretty soon got a bellyful of them after I disengaged and he did some tough love with them. I think that was what they needed all along but hey...
I have my own life to lead, my own interests to pursue and that bucket list is getting shorter and shorter! Once the kids leave home DH and I plan to do our 'couples bucket list'. We do things together currently but it's not quite the same when the kids are around. I left once! I came back because I missed them all so much.
I also believe that no couple is perfect, there...I said that out loud...well in print.

newbiemommy's picture

2 Reasons. Guilt. I don't know what he would do without me. And I do love him. 2. Our baby girl we have together.
That being said, I'm on the last straw. I already have arrangements for my daughter and I elsewhere. I just won't be able to move in to my house until the first of the year.
But I'm pretty much fed up.

MamaBecky's picture

Sometimes I think that I would be happier if I were not with my DH. He is not very attentive towards me and he is a big kid himself. He is irresponsible allot of the time and I am sick of his hobbies being his priority in life while me and the girls are not.

However he has always been this way and when I signed on I knew does not mean that I dont get sick of it.

He knows I would never leave the girls. He is my connection to them. I love my SD's as they are my own and I have awesome relationships with them and work well co-moming with the BM's. As a bio would never leave her children I will never leave mine.

I do truly love my DH as well....his flaws aggravate me and at times I dream about not having to deal with him....yet whenever we are separated for any length of time I miss him terribly so that I ache for him. So I know although I have my moments in reality I would be miserable without him. Leaving is not a true viable option....only a daydream during the most frustrating of times.

dragonfly5's picture

I stay because I can't imagine my life with out him. He is amazing, everything I ever wanted in a partner. He is all man and I love that.

I have finally overcome the fear of the skids. Raising another family, going thought the teenage years again. Every time I have said we need to work on this or you need to work on that with the skids, he rises to the occasion and takes care of it. I was so afraid of the bait an switch.

Over the last three years he has proven that he is a man of his word. I can trust him, rely on him. I have security in our relationship.

He is so worth it....A friend of mine who is with a lady that has 3 kids and he has none, once said to me that just being with her was worth it. Now I understand those words.

I am sure as circumstances and challenges come our way with the skids and crazo. I will have times I say "what was I thinking" but for today, I know I am a very blessed woman.

SusiQ's picture

I stay because in spite of how crazy he makes me sometimes, I love him. I stay because I see every day how much he loves our kids together. I stay because I see every day how much our kids love him.

I stayed thru what I felt were our really tough times, the MIL & SIL from HELL and SS being putted against DH by BM & MIL from HELL. The skids are almost a non-entity in our lives anymore. Maybe 4 times a year for the evening and I have to sit thru dinner but SS is almost 24 and SD is no longer a part of our lives. SS is a good kid for the most part, he plays the game well - BM is supplying all the gifts and cash so he keeps her happy.

Now it's just the usual DH is driving me crazy stuff that we can work thru.

Just thought of another reason - if I left MIL & SIL would try to get back into DH's life and would then have access to my kids - NOT HAPPENING

dragonfly5's picture

I wish I would have my SO first too. But would I appreciate him as much if I had?

DaizyDuke's picture

I wish we had found each other first.

Yep, that's about what it boils down to... even DH has said this about a thousand times, he wishes that he had just met me before he had the chance to meet scumbag BM#1 and #2... but I also wonder if he would appreciate me as much if he hadn't experienced the constant turmoil, disrespect and neediness with them. Sometimes you have to survive the bad to truly appreciate the good.

Doubletakex3's picture

I stay because I don't have to. I'm scared to marry him simply because I'm afraid of feeling trapped.

I stay because he's a good man. He's a good father. I feel protected by him in a way I never thought possible. He makes me laugh. He's very grounding for me, which I need.

I stay because he fought for me to be able to stay when BM filed for custody because I moved it. He said our love and the happiness was worth fighting for. It would have been easier for him to ask me to move out...but he fought for us. And won.

I stay because I bought a house that I can't resell any time soon without huge losses.

And I stay because his kids deserve the life we are building together. I know they would feel guilty if we split, like it was their fault. They have been through so much shit already in their lives and I wouldn't want to contribute to that trauma and psychological damage. They treat me really well and deserve stability for once in their lives. And, I stay because I need and deserve the stability they provide to me.

Auteur's picture

No kids with GG here (thank GOD!)

I stay b/c I allowed to get myself financially entangled with GG. I bought a dump of a house that should have been CONDEMNED and NEVER PURCHASED. He wanted it to be "closer to his kids" (TM). This, of course backfired terribly as I knew it would. Being closer to his kids would mean more involvement in the Behemoth's podunk community of 5,000. The whale sized lies she told about GG and me just wouldn't stand up so she ramped up the PAS and had the skids "opt out" of visitation when GG started to become more of a parent.

GG is gradually fixing it up so that it is livable and more importantly SELLABLE. The market is crap right now so I plan on doing a re-fi and then see if GG caves to the Behemoth. If he does, I'm willing to sell or if he gets threatening again, I'll simply walk away, screw the credit rating and start over again. Lesson learned.

Oh and BTW, GG has subscribed to the "bite the hand that feeds you" club as he cannot live on his own due to the massive CS that he has to pay (non arrears). He has often turned on me and blamed me for his lack of standing up to the Behemoth.

I do "care" for GG but I would never ever get involved with a man who has children. It's been an eight year ride more horrible than my first two bad marriages put together.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

I stay because we we really love each other. We have overcome some major things together, skids being only part of them. I stay because I am lucky that DH has been the kind of father that has clear boundaries with his kids and his ex.
I am about to leave on a three day backpacking trip alone. My DH is always a little worried, but it makes him like me even more that I do stuff like this. I'll miss him while I am in the mountains and it will be nice to come back refreshed and with a smile.
I stay because this man that does not seem to be the romantic type, actually deep down is, not in the big showy ways, but he is.
And....we still think the other is sexy.

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

I know this is totally off topic..but I hope you are letting someone know exactly where you will be backpacking..I watched a scary show yesterday about a woman who did the same thing. She fell down a mountain and was injured and no one knew where she was therefore no one came to her rescue!

stepfamilyfriend's picture

You are right! I do; I leave my itinerary and we have a time by which he needs to hear from me and if he doesn't he has the numbers of the closest ranger stations. Yeah, he worries a little, as do I, but not having a tv has kept me from seeing some of that stuff. I do this quite a bit and last summer just my DD and I backpacked for 2 weeks and crossed a glacier, where caught in a white out and had to rope one another across an ice field. But we turned around a couple of times when things got too sketchy. No adventure is worth that big a risk. I am pretty prepared and have taught kids outdoor skills. I had fears of being out there alone for years and it has given me so much confidence to overcome that.... for the most part.

alwaysanxious's picture


truebloodfreak's picture

I stay because I love my SO. I love that we have a baby together. I want to see him interacting with our son. I want to be a family. Everytime I have left it's only been spending a night or 2 at my parents house. I stay because I can't think about not being with SO. I have faith that things will get better..... someday!!!!! I don't know how by I'm still hoping.

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

Honestly yes I do love my husband more than I dislike his daughter or the BM. I know how great of a Father he is, and how great he will be with our future children together. The ONLY thing that makes me feel I want to leave is having to deal with Satan aka BM. BUT I would never leave my husband because of her. His daughter annoys me at times and there I days I just wish we could be alone, but it is never enough to actually leave him.

z3girl's picture

Like some of the others have said, the issues with SD and BM are not what will break us up; the issues that are between the two of us can.

We also have an infant son together, are expecting another one. I would like my children to have as normal an upbringing as possible.

Even though the skid part is not the dealbreaker in the relationship, if I could have done it all over again, I would make sure I met a man who didn't have children already.

They say only fools rush in... Wink

birdsofafeather's picture

I stay because one day(Four years) the SD shall be gone,the BM will still be miserable alone and it will just be myself and DH and we love each other to bits.For now I have my faith,my friends and Gin.