Help! I could really use some advice please
To all who may read this or reply, thank you so much in advance. I just came across this site and what a relief that there are others out there going through so much and the support in or communities is limited. I'm a 27 year old SM to a 5 year old SS. I am currently engaged with his BF. We have split custody which was filed and completed 6 months ago. We have established a wonderful home and have made a great team. Here's where the nightmare begins. My SS's BM is extreme and has always been difficult to deal with. When I first started dating my now fiancé, she was difficult in the sense that she would email or call or text condescending things to him and threaten to never let him see his child. She had an affair on him hence their separation and she is mentally unstable. She uses my SS as a pawn to have things her way for child support in the beginning and did everything to try and stop us for going for custody arrangements. She's very insecure and has abandonment issues from her BM and has always been nasty with her comments. We have been trying to co-parent and make things work for my SS's wellbeing. He has been having a really hard time adjusting to both households which is completely understandable. We have been trying to work wig his behaviours and set a good stable life for him. The nightmare has begun as she has been mentally brainwashing her child. After we drop off SS to her after our week with him, she wipes up everything we have tried so hard to focus on. We have a healthy lifestyle in our home and eat well and she gives him nothing but processed foods, hot dogs and pizza multiple days in the week. She literally tells her poor child to refuse what we give him and to pull fits. He has been coming over and immediately saying these things and refuses to eat and has been having violent fits. The schoolboard has now called my partner and I stating she is too unruly and rude to deal with that they would prefer all communication to be handled by us regarding his day care and other day to day activities. She constantly defies teachers suggestions as everyday these last two months, SS comes home with notes from the teaches about his bad behaviours at school, he's stealing, refusing to cooperate in class and aggressive with other kids. We cannot come to an agreement with BM to help SS have a set of rules at both homes. It is extremely sad to see her destroy her child's wellbeing like this especially during his crucial time in his life for development. He doesn't enjoy things anymore, he has been given countless gifts and toys from her to appease him when he doesn't listen. She doesn't parent him she simply gives him anything he wants and he knows he gets it when he demands it. There are no boundaries. She is to only email my partner as per mediator agreements and she doesn't follow suit. She will text him randomnly and mentally abuses my partner and he is at his wits end along with myself. She is vicious and ruthless and has put a dent in our relationship. It's to the point I cringe when SS comes over and I feel terrible because this beautiful child isn't at fault with a mother brainwashing him and using him as a pawn like this to attack his father and make him miserable like her. I am so depressed as this was never to this extent. I cannot handle her constant communicating to my partner and slamming our positive attempts to co-parent on a civil level and at least for the major concerns for his health and how he is showing us major flags. She is very manipulative and tells her child to demand to come home as soon as we have him and she has alienated her whole family and friends to a point she is now alone because nobody can handle her. I'm sure many people have similar experiences and I'm afraid I am giving up. I no longer want to stay in this relationship as I've given it all and accepted the baggage for a couple years and now I am currently waiting to get counselling and seek options to moving on (living arrangements, split our finances and all we have built together). I've never been so overwhelmed and depressed in my life until now. My fiancé is definitely my soulmate but this has become too complicated and I am at a crossroads of leaving because I can't imagine things getting any better. If anyone is going through this, please, please any words of advice would be so appreciated. I feel this is it and the co-parenting will never work with a villain like her. She plots these things and even sends disgusting texts saying she will win and she will do whatever it takes to have her way even if her son is truly the one suffering. Pathetic.
Sal, her situation is similar
Sal, her situation is similar to mine. In a nutshell - skid was once happy and now is demon spawn due to the influence of the BM. A reminder, I wasn't married to my husband either when I first came here.
I know that I am not his
I know that I am not his mother and I am not trying to replace her. I'm trying to make this work in my home and his father is having difficulties as well with the discipline as skid's mom has made this impossible. Sorry for the editing- on a mobile app trying to find the options. Just wanted some support. Thanks
Honey, I have a lot of
Honey, I have a lot of experience (almost 5 years) of what you are living. I am married to my now husband. The BM didn't win. Unfortunately in my case, the child lost too as did my husband. There are NO winners in this situation. It doesn't matter if it's you or some other woman. Your fiance will not find a happy place unless it's alone. So your leaving will NOT change anything for him.
Thanks Hun, I really
Thanks Hun, I really appreciate it. You're right. He has to handle this for many more years to come and I have to move on.
First of all in my experience
First of all in my experience co-parenting with BM is never going to work. BM will always be the biggest influence in child's life. You can establish rules and routines in your home and stick to them. I have been through this and it is very difficult. You two need to stick together and be a team. You have no control over what goes on at the other house. As far as school you can be the one that communicates but for what reason if he is living there again you have no control. My only suggestion would be for you to find a really good child therapist for the child. If they are good they will get him to open up and they will help him and teach him coping skills. My SS was 7 when I came into their lives. BM worked against us every single step of the way and although I wanted what was best for the kids in their eyes I was just an evil step mother who needed to mind her own business. Good luck to you.
That's what I've been coming
That's what I've been coming to terms with that I know what happens there is in her home and she will always be the primary influence and that will never change. I'll be the evil step mother in the long run. Have you stuck it out for awhile? Any regrets? Thanks for your comments
First of all in my experience
First of all in my experience co-parenting with BM is never going to work. BM will always be the biggest influence in child's life. You can establish rules and routines in your home and stick to them. I have been through this and it is very difficult. You two need to stick together and be a team. You have no control over what goes on at the other house. As far as school you can be the one that communicates but for what reason if he is living there again you have no control. My only suggestion would be for you to find a really good child therapist for the child. If they are good they will get him to open up and they will help him and teach him coping skills. My SS was 7 when I came into their lives. BM worked against us every single step of the way and although I wanted what was best for the kids in their eyes I was just an evil step mother who needed to mind her own business. Good luck to you.
First of all in my experience
First of all in my experience co-parenting with BM is never going to work. BM will always be the biggest influence in child's life. You can establish rules and routines in your home and stick to them. I have been through this and it is very difficult. You two need to stick together and be a team. You have no control over what goes on at the other house. As far as school you can be the one that communicates but for what reason if he is living there again you have no control. My only suggestion would be for you to find a really good child therapist for the child. If they are good they will get him to open up and they will help him and teach him coping skills. My SS was 7 when I came into their lives. BM worked against us every single step of the way and although I wanted what was best for the kids in their eyes I was just an evil step mother who needed to mind her own business. Good luck to you.
First of all in my experience
First of all in my experience co-parenting with BM is never going to work. BM will always be the biggest influence in child's life. You can establish rules and routines in your home and stick to them. I have been through this and it is very difficult. You two need to stick together and be a team. You have no control over what goes on at the other house. As far as school you can be the one that communicates but for what reason if he is living there again you have no control. My only suggestion would be for you to find a really good child therapist for the child. If they are good they will get him to open up and they will help him and teach him coping skills. My SS was 7 when I came into their lives. BM worked against us every single step of the way and although I wanted what was best for the kids in their eyes I was just an evil step mother who needed to mind her own business. Good luck to you.
" We cannot come to an
" We cannot come to an agreement with BM to help SS have a set of rules at both homes."
While that would be nice, forget it. It is never going to happen. DH parents in his house, BM parents in hers. That's just the way it is. No matter how superior you think your parenting style is.
No court is going to demand BM not feed SS processed food solely based on you preferring a healthier lifestyle.
You will not be able to completely bypass BM with the school either, no matter how much the school likes you better.
Advice? Control what you/Dad can control and influence while in your home. Accept you can not control BM, her home.
We had one member whose DH literally snooped in BM's kitchen cupboards and refrigerator when BM stepped out a few minutes. SMH.
WHITE SPACE PLEASE!!!! If
WHITE SPACE PLEASE!!!!
If your SO is not willing to destroy his XW/BM and constantly make her destruction his fondest hobby then you are right. This won't change. The only way to effectively address a toxic blended family opponent like this BM is to destroy her legally, financially, and socially.
If you are not in for the long haul to be your SO's partner in raising this child including the destruction of his BM then you are right to go now rather than sink your heart and soul into what will likely be a decade+ long campaign.
Good luck and take care of yourself whatever you decide.
Agree with others - you
Agree with others - you cannot change the dynamic here. BM is going to continue to alienate this boy against his father and especially YOU once you get married. Be prepared to put your seatbelt on.
You also need to be prepared that this kind of alienating and acidic behavior by BM is extremely damaging to a kid's psyche. You need to read up all you can on parental alienation syndrome. No doubt that BM is bad mouthing your SO every chance she gets and is "poisoning" the kid against his dad. This is especially damaging for boys when they are alienated from their fathers. Expect that there may be some significant behavioral problems as this kid grows older. Relationship problems, substance abuse problems, identity problems, insecurity, etc. This is what my SO continues to experience due to the BM's campaign of alienating him from the kids both before and after the divorce. The skids are in their mid-twenties now and are still showing behaviors that can be traced to the effects of alienation - both the boy and girl.
That being said, you need to understand NOW that this situation is not going to get better (no matter how much you wish it so).
As a 27 year old woman (and I assume you have no kids of your own) you need to seriously re-think this relationship. There are hundreds of millions of single men out there without this kind of baggage - I am certain you can find one who you are compatible with.