Help/ Advice
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Okay so bare with me If this is a little rocky I'm new to this! So I've been with my significant other for almost six months and he has a daughter that's the age of three. I met her one time before hand and it was less then pleasant (I was kinda thrown into it and her mom kinda scared me into thinking I wasn't good enough to be around her daughter). Well I decided to be apart of his visitation today (as I haven't in the past due to my anxiety). I've been referred to as just "dads friend" which kinda hurts a little bit since we've been together for so long..I know it might seem stupid but as someone who sees a future with this man it kinda hurts to just be referenced as dads friend..any advice or ideas..it would be greatly appreciated
6 months is not a super long
6 months is not a super long time to be dating someone, and the child is only 3. She doesn't really understand girlfriend vs friend, so don't worry about titles and just have fun with her. BUT, you already know that BM is difficult, so try to look past any love-goggles to see how your BF handles BM's jealousy of you, if he sets good boundaries. Also make sure he's a good parent who takes care of the child himself, and isn't looking for a woman to take over for him.
Thank you I just don't want
Thank you I just don't want to be silly over nothing. I'm a child who comes from step parenting both from my dad and mom and I was introduced to them completely different but times have changed I just new to this and just dont know what to expect.
It's wonderful that you're
It's wonderful that you're excited by this relationship and want to be in it for the long Haul. I I wouldn't recommend meeting kids otherwise. It's a lot for them to take on new people, get invested, and maybe have things not work out. Since she's only three, I'm guessing that the parents likely haven't been apart too long, and she hasn't been exposed to numerous other romantic relationship partners. And at three, she's too young to understand that anyway. She's too young to understand daddy's girlfriend, daddy's romantic partner, daddy's fiancé.
friend is a word three-year-olds understand, and from all the research I did before I met my partners kids, that's the one people suggest you use at first.
but that also brings up your hurt feelings over the word. Six months really isn't a long time. I know a lot of progress happens in the first six months of our relationship, but if you mean to make it last a lifetime, six months is barely anything. And this child may not want to call you girlfriend in the future. Or my dad's wife. Or stepmom. Or any term of affection. And frankly It might change over her lifetime. But if what you're looking for from this child is acceptance, I would be careful. There are likely times she will embrace you. And times she won't. But she has a different mother. And she really can't except you as that rule. If that's what you need from her, I would back out of this relationship now.
if the reason it hurts is hearing your partner use this term, then that's a conversation you need to have with them. I worry that you were also hurt already by the biological mother. Expect that to keep happening too. Most BM 's, particularly the high conflict ones, do not welcome other women coming in expecting to play a mother role with her child. It's really common on this site to read about how the stepmoms always come last. It's honestly my least favorite club to be in. I like my Walgreens rewards points more. But here We all are, looking for ways to fit with our weird blended dynamics.
definitely look around the site and read more. Not all of these things will be your experience. But I think it's also a good foreshadowing for some things that might happen in the future. That can help you better prepare yourself or decide if this is what you want.
I met her BM on very gritty
I met her BM on very gritty terms and it's very much affected my ability to get involved with his little girl. She made me feel very unwanted and it didn't help that my significant other didn't really help me out and left me what I kinda feel out to dry. Like I said I'm very new to this and know six months isn't a long enough time I'm just nervous if that makes sense it's very apparent I'm really not wanted around.
It's a big red flag that he
It's a big red flag that he didn't help and made you feel hung out to dry. Please don't ignore those red flags, keep your eyes open. It's easy to get into a bad situation because of "love".
Thank you for helping me out
Thank you for helping me out it's definitely given me a good insight and don't worry I do constantly evaluate especially since there is a child involved.
Something gives me the
Something gives me the impression that your boyfriend doesn't have a CO in place. How often does he have custody of the child? Is there a regular parenting schedule? Is he only seeing the child with BM present?
Since I've been with him
Since I've been with him there have been multiple times his time with her has changed it hasn't been consistent since we've been together
Does he have a formal custody
Does he have a formal custody agreement? Does he actually keep the child for certain days or does he just see the child with BM?
I believe the formal
I believe the formal agreement is his days off which haven't been consistent. He's switched jobs three times in the course of us being together onece was a completely new job the other being a different company within the same job. So its whenever he has his days off or sometimes he'll call and take her. Which I didn't understand because as someone who came from a separated house hold I remember my dad had a specific time agreement with my mom.
You mention you just turned
You mention you just turned 21. I have a son not much younger than you and i would tell him to run! It's not that your SO has a kid, but the inconsistent schedule, his not defending you to BM, it just sounds like a lot of bullsh!t. And even if he does follow the agreement and have the kid on all his days off...how fun will that be? You are young and can start fresh with a man with no kids or at least one with kids who has his sh!t together and will defend you. I hope this guy can be what you need him to be, but you matter. You deserve to be a priority in your own life, in your own home. If he can't do that for you, it's a long life to consistently come second or third. Value yourself and insist he does too.
This comment got me...we've
This comment got me...we've been together for only six months and I really do love him a lot which makes it harder because I feel there's some inconsistencies that hit me on a level. I love him and his little girl a lot and there closets thing to family I have which makes it so hard ya know. We started off as friends so I knew about his little girl just never met her and when I didn't it wasn't at all what I wished it would have been it makes me sad to think about it cause I met my stepmom so differently then I met her and I don't want my negative experience to impact my potential relationship with her because i was unfortunately thrown into it..if that makes any remote sense.
Some step-situations work
Some step-situations work well and some don't. There are many types of people who create many types of situations. I just hope you find yourself in one where you are respected and valued. In step-situations, often you are your only advocate. If you are happy and healthy, you can help those around you, maybe even that little girl. But, if you are disrespected, defensive, bitter, and fearful, you will be no help to anyone. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others, in all situations.
A formal, court ordered
A formal, court ordered custody agreement that says dad has his days off doesn't sound right to me. It does not seem, to me, like something a court would order. Court ordered agreements are not usually this flexible for non custodial parents.
Six months. Three jobs. You need to put your brakes on this relationship (use reliable birth control). You need to see if this job changing is a trend or an aberration. Living with someone who frequently changes jobs can mean you end up responsible for all the bills.
Dad's friend is fine. It's
Dad's friend is fine. It's still early days and he's not rushing it, so don't worry about that yet. But....
One thing I wish I did was find this place before deciding to become a step parent. A step kid at 3 years of age is probably a good point to become a step mum, but depending on the BM and the BD as the years go on it might become more and more difficult. Just look around this website to see the challenges people face and always keep these in the back of your mind. You're not going to find good stories here, just the horror stories, but you need to be aware.
It may all work out but you may find x years down the line it becomes hell on earth. Don't become too attached and be ready to make an exit. Every step of the way keep coming back to this site as a place for support and reference. I am sure there are some great stories out there, but you're not going to find a website that says 'Step Talk - A Place To Say Positive Things.'
Until I'd been dating DH for
Until I'd been dating DH for about a year, I was referred to as Dad's "friend" to the kids. That was fine with me. First, they were young and probably didn't understand the difference between friend and girlfriend. More important, very young kids don't need to know about their dad's relationships, and it's bad for them to have girlfriends going in and out of their lives. "Friends" is better.
As long as DH understood that I was his girlfriend, I didn't care that the kids thought I was a friend.
Did you just meet BM once and have a bad experience with her then, or are you having to encounter BM multiple times? If so, why? There's really no reason that you should have to see BM.
Bm
I met her once and it was a trip for me as in we went grocery shopping after and I had a cigarette (I dont smoke) I haven't had any interaction with her since but it's left this anxiety spell on me that anytime she calls I exit the room because it left that much of an impact. I'm young I just turned 21 on Friday I wasn't expecting this to be easy I knew the risk but when I met her she made me feel like a young teenager. I take care of my two nieces on a daily since my sister isn't on the right path so I have experience with kids I know nieces and actual children are different but it still left a bad taste in my mouth since.
Until you are in a committed
Until you are in a committed relationship with your SO, you are just dad's friend.
Nothing to be offended about. It is just a fact.
If and when this relationship progresses to a commitment, then fight the battle of "dad's friend". 6mos, without a proposal or clear expression of exclusivity is not a committment.