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Same sex relationship advice. When Bm is trying to turn skid against you

collinanderson's picture

I've been with my fiance for the past 5 years (both men), and he has 2 kids: ss10 and ss8. My relationship with the oldest has always been great, he's my little buddy. He spends more time with me than with my fiance. My relationship with the ss8 changed when we got engaged a couple of months back. 

He's veen very cold and distant with me and my fiance. He will sometimes walk past me withouteven acknowledging me, or he won't answer when I'm speaking to him. Unlucky my fiance has always had my back and calls him out on it and tells him when an adult is speaking to him, you have to acknowledge them and respond to them. I've brought this to my fiance attention with our ss8 behaviour has changed and he has agreed that something is up. He does ask him if everything okay and he just says that he's fine, he's started asking strange questions, such as how we're going to have more kids(we don't), or the one that really got me was "whose the woman in the bedroom?!!".He's taken an interest with our sex life. My fiance will tell him that it's an issue between adults and that all he needs to know is that people express love differently  to different people(or something like that). I'm all down for a kid being curious, but this coming from an eight year old???!!!!. It is his voice, but it sounds like bm's words. 

Bm has hated me ever since my fiance told her about me. I've been called a gold digging b**ch- my fiance is a corporate attonery, but guess what I'm a pharmaicst who owns 2 pharmacys. She's called me a home wrecker- she was the one who cheated on my fiance with her best friend's husband(real classy), or she says that I'm too young for him- I'm 26 and he's 36. It's only 10 years. I've seen marriaged couples who are 18 years apart, or she says that this will harm the kids- it's not like they got divorced and BOOM he was into men (I also had a girlfriend before I met him). We met at the gym one day and just got to talking. Which lead to us hanging out more. It took us a year to realize that we had feelings for eachother, we dated for another year and I wasn't introduced to his kids until another year had passed. Even then we took things slowly for their sake too. I went from "dad's friend" to "dad's special friend" to "dad's boyfriend". When he did tell him about him and I dating they were okay with it. Both of them took it pretty well. Even when we got engaged, they helped when he proposed to me. So this new behaviour coming from ss8 is really out of the ordinary.

I was hoping maybe the wonderful ladies there could help me out with this problem before it gets out of hand. 


lieutenant_dad's picture

It could be BM, but it could also be school, media, etc. He seems like he is at a pretty normal age to start asking some of those questions, because they are fairly juvenile in nature. This is especially true if he comes into contact with any kids older than him (think 11-12 year olds).

I think Dad needs to sit down and have a chat with his son one on one about any questions or issues he has. I don't think younger kids fully grasp being gay/lesbian and what that looks like in a relationship, and  bi/pansexuality just adds another layer, especially if it hasn't been part of their life from the start.

Your local Pride group probably has some good local resources that can help your SO have this chat with his son. There are age-appropriate books out there, too, that provide guidance and good discussion. Hopefully this is more a peer pressure misunderstanding thing than BM poisoning SS.

If You ever need to talk, feel free to PM me. I am female and bisexual, and while I am married to a man, we have dealt with some interesting situations with the kids regarding same-sex relationships. One of those being BM, who is also bisexual, taking the kids to a church that actively dislikes the LGBT+ community. I have yet to figure that one out...

StepUltimate's picture

I am sorry you are going through this, but glad you found the StepTalk community because the support and understanding are invaluable. 

To me, it sounds like BM questions. Could be wrong but that's how lots of BM's roll (this website will more than confirm you are not alone in this!). These hags will damage and destroy their own children just for the sick pleasure of hurting their ex and ex's current partner. It's hideous, but true. 

Hope you stick around, read similar stories from those who've walked this path before you, and vent so you can get it out (safer than blowing up in frustration at skids or partner) and get encouragement and feedback. Welcome!

Iamwoman's picture

I think it’s BM hands down. We live in a pretty liberated society, and kids at age 8, for the most part, learn 99% of their behavior and values from their parents.

Welcome to steptalk!! You may want to come up with a moniker as it appears you have used your real name?

Your SS8 is definitely being PAS’d. In your case, biowhore is using your sexual identity as a weapon against you. For me, I was just called a “whore” and “adulterer” by biowhore (ironically I have never cheated on anyone in my life, nor have I ever been adulterous with anyone or ever slept with anyone I didn’t consider myself to be in a relationship with... unlike ke biowhore who paraded a long string of men past my two SS’s as soon as DH left her fat a$$).

Evil people will use anything they can against you and try to hit you where it hurts. I have seen this happen with interracial stepfamilies too, so it’s not limited to samesex... literally... an evil biowhore has no boundaries when it comes to making your skids hate you and question you at every turn.

I disagree that you should talk to SS8 about same sex marriages. I think there are so many examples out there nowadays that it shouldn’t have to be explained as if it were a unique situation anymore.

I think you and your husband should simply laugh off any comments about your sexuality, insinuating that such comments are silly and not worth your time! This will teach SS8 that it is also not worth his time to make such a big deal about what goes on sexually between two consenting adults.... because REALLY? I don’t go around blabbing about my sexuality so you shouldn’t have to either. It’s not fair to you to feel the need to defend yourself anymore than it’s fair for anyone else to have to listen to someone discuss their bedroom preferences.

Hang in there, because it will get worse with SS8 as he is obviously listening to BM’s stupidity. Count your lucky stars that you at least have a good father son relationship with the older one.

Healyourslf's picture

Beware BM. She's weaving the worm into SS's head. Although children today are exposed to much more, they are taught hate by the primary adults in their life.  Little does BM realize the damage she is doing to SS because it's all about HER emotional needs.  I would say that if BM were to dig into her subconscious angst that her twisted efforts to turn SS against you has to do with "being replaced by a man."  Her ego will not let this rest.  In addition to being on this site and listening to other people's similar dilemas, it might behoove you to research "women's feelings when their husbands come out" - could be useful insight.

Bitter BM's are experts at poisoning the SKIDS. Their hateful actions come from their own insecurities and unresolved issues.  Unfortunately, most of them do not see the damage they do to the children. You're not going to fix BM and you cannot control how SS processes what he learns from her.  You and your partner need to stand strong with these issues. Trust your intuition and demand/teach respect from SS. BM's venom will increase especially if she sees you having a happy life and she's alone and miserable. 

I raised my BD with many of my gay friends in her life, I'm straight. Even when she was young, she knew to be respectful when speaking to adults and never probed with the types of questions you mention above.  At 8, most children still listen to their parents rules.  My BD would ask questions that were general in nature like, "are so and so gonna get married?" The tone of your SS's questions comes from spite, not curiousity!  Kids learn by osmosis and at 8 they will accept what their parents teach them.  Your SS's oddly intimate inferences are definitely seeded by BM or another hater (perhaps he hears BM's friends yakking it up without discretion).  

Stay strong. It's going to take more than luck. This is one of the best sites I have found. It helps to validate your feelings and there are some extremely wise and good people on this site. 


Winterglow's picture

Stop defending yourself because there's no reason to. You're a reasonable adult and that is how you shoudl proceed. When either of your SSs address an issue (of whatever origin) throw it back at him. "Who's the woman in the bedroom?'" "Why do you ask?" "Are you a gold digger?" "What a strange question. Why are you asking?"' Help the child question and seek the anwers to his questions and he'll soon realize all on his own that it's his mother who wants to know, not him. Help him (without actually saying it) to see that the problem is not between you and him but between his mother and her prejudices/expectations/other.