He is definitely being WIERD with me!!!!!!
Ok - brief history - met DH -fell in love etc. Initially had Skids about once every 3 weeks or so. 2 weeks after i moving in with DH - BM calls crying saying Skids "miss" him and before I claimed my senses Skids 6,9 and 12 living with us full time. Every day I wanted to leave, but felt BM would "win" and loved DH so stayed - everyday I stayed I felt more and more guilty about forming bond with Skids and became their "mum" overnight (while still working full time) BM not working spending most time stoned and drinking with man she left DH for. Looked after Skids for last 8 years - BM never supporrted me, jealous - sneaky and two faced - hated it that Skids seemed happy (yet SHE abandoned them - I didn't STEAL them.) DH works long hours 6 days a week so I was main carer - although I've always worked too (trained as a nurse in this time too) had two boys of our own. BM came in and out of girls lives as she wanted, didn't financially help and if girls were in slightest way annoyed at me (as I was dealing with issues such as hygiene, bedrooms, homework, helping etc) the BM would give them sympathetic ear and backstab me. DH never seemed to be able support me with this either - never really putting BM in her place and never getting onboard with me about rules with Skids. Over the years I just got strategies for coping, detaching on small stuff until COMPLETELY disengaging 8 weeks ago, making my point clear and no longer being the doormat. So SD's went to BM as she 'rescued ' them from their evil stepmum who was demanding not to be treated like dirt in her own home (horror). Since then DH has been WIERD with me - initially I knew hes was upset SD's gone - but after few forced chats it seems he feels my position of disengaging may have lost him his kids to their BM - what the Fuck!?!!
So dump your kids on me BM and DH - watch me struggle for years raising them - BM causing trouble and DH keeping head in sand - then when I wake up and change DH BLAMES me!?!!! (BM will always blame me as she is a total deluded bitch)
In our marriage I cannot point to any real emotional or practical support that wasnt asked for! I would have thought some understanding or a huge THANKYOU for trying would be on the cards? - just a THANKYOU!? Flowers and a meal out would be nice - anyone would think I should be grateful to have met him!
HELP ME - advice please
The scale of what you have
The scale of what you have given over the last 8 years is enormous - without support seemingly from your DH, never mind the BM, no-one really expects support there.
You left your DH free to pursue his career, by taking care of his 3 children, by now mostly grown up I imagine - and now they have gone back to their feckless mother, he has the cheek to blame you?
This is far beyond ingratitude - if it were my situation I would be packing my DH's bags, depositing them on the front lawn and changing the locks.
I'm feeling pretty trapped as
I'm feeling pretty trapped as I moved into his home and he works from home - his business is here - my name is not on mortgage or deeds. My sons are young and love him - and the blame thing isn't OVERT its just alluded to and there is just an attitude of coolness and indifference to me i seems buy if i tackle him he will say I did stick up for you I told SD17 she and to go because of her attitude to you - yet that night she went he texts her "night love" and he knows there were texts from BM telling SD to "tell her (me) to "fuck off" and he never went off his head at BM when he dropped SD's to her - just said "look after them" as if they were being rescued from me! And BM says "I suppose I'll get a solicitors letter now!" as in th past I made DH get letter wrote to her as every time girls came back from visit they would be telling me she said she "hated me and that SHE was their mum not ME. He goes a long with stuff but doesn't ever do it off his own back and I'm sure if BM called today he would STILL talk to her! I'm just feeling so trapped and unhappy
I think I've just realised my
I think I've just realised my marriage is over - I don't want to be around DH - don't feel like this is my home (was their home!) - it hasn't been all bad of course, he doesn't drink, smoke, cheat, and works hard, he is not controlling etc, but it's like SHIT HERE I AM I JUST GAVE YU EVERYTHING and you walk round feeling sorry for YOURSELF coz your spoilt SD's just ran back to BM - what about me!?!! FFsake
I'm feeling very low - please give advice
you're right he has absoulutl
you're right he has absoulutl no right to be treating you how he has done. whether its verbally or just in his body language he is making you feel upset. Speak to him directly, tell him you understand that he's upset that they left but you cant be expected to do all of this stuff for his family with no benefits and you have your own life. Be brutally honest and let him hear it all, the pain, the upset, the anger. Chances are he doesnt even realise you hated doing all of this for HIM! at least if you've talked and are honest, you can move forward whether together or seperatly.
As for his relationship with BM, you are entitled to lose your rag with him! they dont get it any other way.
My DH, for months i was so nice about it all BM would text him about BS about her self, telling him her family and friends dramas, to which he didnt respond or was just 'ok' to her, still I told him 'are you with me or her coz she seems to think you 2 are togheter' still carried on, until I blew my lid, packed his sh*t told him to get the F out coz i'm not playing second fiddle to ANYONE, skids included and you need to spk to BM about kids only, if she txts you tell her to F off, not shrug it off as the dumb bitch doesnt get the message unless its CLEAR AS DAY.
BTW you are a better woman than I am, looking after someone elses kids for 8 years- hats of to you and shame on their biologial parents!!!
THANKYOU! I feel very alone
THANKYOU! I feel very alone and it's just great to get some support! I just had a little boost as the sign for my new business just arrived - and it looks great and I am very excited about it! I'm not the sort of person to just sit back and moan - I do take responsibility - and I hate being dependent in DH for money! As my little ones are still young, it's hard for me to get out to work - so I too have started a business - husband self employed too - so he's busy working st home - well so am i! He's gonna do half the household stuff and care for OUR kids WITH me! We have got a barn and I think i will be moving into it for a while! (dont worry it is furnished! DH makes furniture and it's the showroom! so I'll be going there once I get that boys to sleep every night - getting the sign gave me a big confidence boost as it looks great and something I designed.
And I'll be letting DH know he better start evening up the score here!
Exactly!!! His LACK of being
Exactly!!! His LACK of being HIS KIDS PARENT is what lost HIS KIDS!!! ANYTHING that a SM does for her DH & HIS KIDS SHOULD BE A CHOICE!!! NEVER, EVER, EVER...expected or demanded!!! EVER!!! HIS KIDS...HIS RESPONSIBILITY...FROM START TO FINISH!!!
Well I'm getting there trust
Well I'm getting there trust me! - DH is about to see a whole new me - I've just emptied my wardrobe of all my clothes - for once I am going to buy myself new clothes!! I've been looking after all this shit for so long that I have neglected myself! That's going to change. I have already arrangd to go out with friends (usually say no as doesn't feel right to go out dancing etc without DH - but they are all married too and only having fun! I've put all I need in the end barn (this is where my DH keeps all the furniture he has made - it's a showroom (we live on a farm with barns converted to carpentry workshops and showroom) it's a lovely space, set out like a house, with kitchen and toilets and separate rooms, it's cold but I'm getting heaters and im moving in there and there is f"all he can do about it! I'll be happier there as this house is where he lived with BM of skids anyway - if he's not going to change and is unhappy with my changes (no more not meals waiting for him, no more 'available' wifey he can divorce me! I'm totally done
Sounds like you have been
Sounds like you have been used and abused for far too long. He has his head in the sand. Blaming you only gets worse. When I disengaged, SD was out of control and ultimately went to live with BM. DH never said he blamed me out loud, but one time, but that was enough. I offered to leave with my son but told him congratulations he would have failed at two marriages. We were barely married at that point. That statement was enough to make him see that he did not want to fail again and that made him drop it with me....
Good luck, because this is the hardest time you will have if he doesn not realize you have one foot out the door based on his behavior. Not BM or SD's. HIS!
All you can do is what you
All you can do is what you should have done in the first place (not judging, I did similar when I was a new SM), focus on yourself and your own. Make your life better. And NEVER rely on a man for your financial security.
Thank you all really
Thank you all really appreciate the support - its not good - I am at the point of just looking after me and boys - I can honestly say I can't remember the last time I felt appreciated by him - and his being full of self pity now and cold with me is wearing very thin. I'm so sick of this shtit and I completely take responsibility for taking on too much - but it really was hard not too - and I was blinded by love etc. couldn't believe BM would just dump her kids and thought she would be back for them any time soon (not)!
I am getting financially independent again, so that when both boys at school I will be equal footing and self supporting.
What an idiot - like you say he's on his way to two failed marriages, I can never imagine me running off with someone else and leaving my kids to him and another woman! Mind you I'm sure there isn't another woman out there as gullible as me!!!!
Thanks again -really appreciate the support -this site is saving my sanity!
No - SD17 would not back down
No - SD17 would not back down from her position of openly 'hating' me and being encouraged by BM and because DH has not balls and can not stand up to BM or SD's he meekly says well you can't stay like this and so packs up SD's (who as quite willing) and takes them to BM as suddenly AFTER 8 years she can now accommodate them!?!!!! That's because for the first time I had told her in no uncertain terms that I was OUT of parenting them I.e to expect A!OT of calls from SD's as I was no longer going to be responsible for their needs (she must have thought it would be easier to have them than to have to deal with the NEW me
I'm sorry this is happening
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you've been used by a couple of lazy, unfit parents. And to add insult to injury, your DH allowed his children to savage you. What a pussy. It really is too much.
I think after feeling the hurt of his betrayal, I'd start feeling some cold fury. If he thought the last wife was a witch, I'd show him the rage of a woman who's been used for 8 years. You've been married for 8 years, he has some financial responsibility to you even if the house is in his name.
Are you sure he isn't the one who needs to go live in the barn? I think you and your bios need to be in the same house. Don't leave them in the house if you move to the barn. Keep them with you.
Maybe you should speak to an attorney very soon about your options. Just in case. If you are done with him, I'd at least make him go in the ditch financially by making him hire an attorney and fight for what he hopes to keep. Maybe you need to disengage from the whole freak show and take your own bios out of the way. They will be affected by DH's behavior too, just by being exposed to the tension.
Take care of yourself! You're no good to your own kids if you allow those vipers to run you into the ground!
Flippen hell - you are so
Flippen hell - you are so right! That's why I disengaged - I've been on antidepressants for a year and have been having panic attacks - and I know I was going under and in the end they would all be sleeping in their beds and I'd be having a complete breakdown! I do feel betrayed! By him and SD's who I cared for better than i was ever cared for as a child! (my dad alcoholic - urghhh crap childhood - he left the chip pan on when we were all asleep and me and my sister spent months in hospital with our injuries) I was a better parent to SD's than BM and DH put together. But one thing for DH favour is he doesn't drink to excess, smoke, gamble or womanise - he is a provider working long hours! Compared to my dad (who hasn't come to see me for over 27 years!) my DH is great! I've been comparing him to my dad and so always seeing his good points. Also where we live is beautiful surroundings! I've just always tried to see the best! But with all this hurt in top of hurt - years of him not standing up to BM - not disciplining his daughters while I deal with them. Knowing BM is backstabbing me etc - it's killing our family and our relationship. There is no gesture of love, loyalty or understanding. Example, when my 2nd son was born he was unwell, we had to stay in hospital for few weeks - while we were in DH's German shepherd dogs killed our cat! The dogs were untrained and unsocial and unsocialised. I moaned about my fears of them around children all the time and wouldn't have them in house - they stayed in outhouse. After the cat killing I said I wouldn't come home till gone. Weeks after being at my mums dogs still there - SD calling me making me feel guilty so I went home - DH PROMISED he would get rid of dogs - 5 months after dogs still there - dogs attack and half kill my mums little dog, I had to LEAVE the house - it took him MONTHS to get rid if dogs and I was totally humiliated - in the end I went back as my son 4 was crying for his dad. I've been backs a year and NOW all this shit.