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He cheated on me with his EX

mom21step22's picture

So I am new...I apologize in advance as I don't know any of the abbreviations I have read in other texts. To be honest, I have never posted anything online...ever. I'm just lost and not ready to talk to friends of family. So in a nut shell...
Have been married for 2 years (this month) but have been together for 8 years. I have a 13 year old and he has 2, 11 and 8 (you are correct...if you do the math..we met while his Ex was pregnant...they had just filed for divorce). Anyway...6 weeks before we got married I found out that he chetated on me with his ex-wife, which of course he 100% denies. 10 months into our marriage I again find out he cheated on me with his ex, which he denied for a few months then admitted. He seemed so sorry and so remorseful that I chose to stay. I never forgot but I stayed. A few months later she tells me he is planning on leaving me for her! He denies. Then a month later says hes not sure if he loves me and needs some time to figure it out. Moves out for 2 weeks, professes his love and wants to come home. I didn't let him for another month. So here we are presently...and guess what...she is saying that he is saying that he is leaving me. All he says is "If I wanted to leave...why wouldn't I?". (we don't have children together).

I want to believe him when he says that he's not cheating...but I know he's lying. There is a part of me that really wants to leave...but something makes me stay. Even after all of this...I love him very much. And the crazy thing is, I don't doubt that he loves me (honestly, don't doubt this at all) but he does not know how to be a good husband.

For those of you that are strong enough to leave a cheating spouse the first time...I envy you. I wish I could be you. I can not deal with this for the rest of my life. It has consumed me. It runs my life! It makes me sick every waking second of every day and fills my head even when I am trying to sleep! But I am scared to give up on our marriage.

I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this as I suspect many of you will think
that I am just stupid for staying. But Im not stupid...and I don't need him financially. But I love him and cant get enough courage to leave. I cant imagine not waking up with him everyday...I can't imagine my life without him.

jesses girl's picture

mom21 - thankfully, I've never had to deal with this, but I think it would be one thing if he cheated with some random woman, that he could just dismiss, andd never see again.

The fact that he cheated with BM, who will always be a part of your lives, just floors me. That is just the ultimate disrespect, IMO. Even if the two of you can get past this, she will always be there, a reminder to you of what he has done.

If you do decide to stay with him, then my hat is off to you, because you're obviously a bigger woman than I'll ever be.

lovelovelove's picture

You're a way better woman than he deserves. Let him go back to nasty BM. I agree with you, jesse's girl...even if he could stop cheating with her (which I HIGHLY DOUBT) she will ALWAYS be in your lives as a constant remimder of his infidelity. You deserve SO much better, honey! Leave his ass and never look back...start a new life, be a strong woman and someday you will find the right man for you who will love and respect you as you deserve.

Good luck...I am so sorry you are going through this.

Take care,

Love Smile

Orange County Ca's picture

The breakup of a marriage is as stressful as losing a spouse to death. In fact it is a death - the death of all the hopes, dreams, energy and treasure you put into this relationship.

But its dead unless you wish to live the rest of your life with the probability that he continues to see other women. Since he has done this numerous times already its unlikely he'll quit now but if you wish to take a chance then formal marriage counseling is your only hope. If he's willing to go its a good sign but that's all - a sign. No guarantees there.

IF he does go to counseling - IF he does stop - IF you can learn to place your trust on him again your' marriage will emerge stronger. But as you can see that's a lot of if's.

*********************

There's an exception to everything I say.

melis070179's picture

This marriage will end, eventually. You may need to wait until you can't take anymore, then it will be easier to leave. BUT, that time WILL come. And then you will move on, find someone else and look back in astonishment at what you were willing to put up with for so long. You will realize that there was no love in this relationship, just dependency. You're scared to start over, to be alone, to have failed at your marriage (its him that failed, not you). Divorce is very hard and thats why its so hard to leave. Thank GOD you don't have kids with him, its actually easier for you to move on then a lot of people that have to deal with this, the ones that DO have kids with a cheating husband. I just hope you realize all this sooner than later. The sooner you leave the sooner you can start your new beginning and stop wasting time with someone with NO character. Good luck!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Austen's picture

And boy, was it hard. My friends called every day to talk me off the ledge (figuratively), even though I was the one to leave, even though I had to leave, and even though he was one crazy- (he should be in the loony bin, might have killed me) type person. We had no children, thank God.

So I understand how difficult it must be.

That said, LEAVE. Like melis said, this isn't love. But YOU WILL LOVE AGAIN!!

I did. And I know that this was how things were supposed to end up. If I had stayed, I never would have found happiness. I am now in my early 40s and have been with my DH for five years.

And while it was hard, I never truly regretted leaving. You also have a 13-year-old to consider, and what that child will think a "normal" relationship is, no?

pixildust's picture

GET OUT, GET OUT NOW

Just like the rest of the objective observers here who have no emotional investment in your relationship, it's plain to see this marriage is on a collision course. This is not going to end well for you whether you stick it out or gather up the gumption to leave now. For the sake of your child, do what you know you have to do. It's not right to put a child through any more h*ll than they must endure. What does it do to you and the kids when hubby is off cheating with the ex and you suffer in agony?

I don't think you're stupid at all. I think you're quite human. Many of us have been there, and we know that you have the strength inside you to carry you through whatever happens.

RustyHalo's picture

I had to learn this the hard way.
I was in a very painful relationship, similar to yours, and I was consumed with pain everyday, also with suspicion, paranoia, and all kinds of nasty emotions EVERY DAY - all day.
Finally a friend said to me: How much longer are you willing to feel this kind of pain? A month or two, A year or two?
And do you know if it will ever end?

The only thing you can be sure of is if you love yourself enough to leave, YOU control your pain. Sure, it is painful, but it is on MY terms. I knew when I left (he went to work one day and I packed up and left.) that my pain would be bad, but there was an END in sight. If I would have stayed, the pain was potentially NEVERENDING!!!!

Please think this over, because you have children to be a role model for and you need to love yourself and take control of your happiness and yes take control of your own pain.

Hope this helps even a little.