Has anyone here seeked counseling?
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I'm tired of feeling the way I do about being a stepmom. I feel like I'd make a great mother but step parenting is not coming naturally to me. I want to talk to a counselor but I don't know which kind to choose, and I'm hesitant to talk about how I actually feel without being judged? Anyone on here had to resort to therapy?
Thank you, and I know it's
Thank you, and I know it's normal it's just tough!
MY SD has been in therapy for
MY SD has been in therapy for over 3 years... NOT HELPING !!!! be careful who you use~ get recommendations, her counselor does nothing but make $190.00 for 50 minutes and listen to her ( the SD) bitch !!!
and then I need to figure out
and then I need to figure out a gentle and considerate way to tell BF that I'm seeking counseling because of the baggage he brought with him. If I were in his shoes I would feel insulted.
I sought counselling a couple
I sought counselling a couple of years ago after my husband and I had an argument in front of SD. BM threw a huge fit about it and I felt bad about it. I was naive at the time though, because I let BM's reaction get to me. People argue - we made a mistake and did it in front of SD. I shouldn't have cared what BM thought. She actually went to her lawyer and added something to the CO about it.
ETA: I also talked to a counsellor before I had my DD (about 18 months ago). I asked her about some crappy stuff that was going on with SD/BM at the time and how to handle it all after I had the baby.
There's no shame in talking to someone about your problems.
I agree. I'm in therapy for
I agree. I'm in therapy for myself...again. Which of course, isn't a good sign. I'm just filled with resentment and a husband who's utterly clueless or who plays the "victim" card whenever I tell him what's on my mind. I might just walk...it's an option that I haven't ruled out. I used to feel "guilty" about leaving someone. Now I realize, they should feel "guilty" about not making any effort to keep me around.
H and I have been in marriage
H and I have been in marriage counseling since late February. He has been in personal counseling since June. Both of these combined probably saved our marriage.
That being said you need to understand Step-Parenting is extremely unnatural and tends to be extremely difficult for step-mothers. Because we are women, it is assumed we will have natural mothering intincts toward the children of our SO/H/BF.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
You should only seek out counseling for your own personal reasons, trauma or if your suffering from depression. Not being able to love or bond with your skids is not a reason to seek counseling because in many, many cases the reason we don't bond with this is due to Disney Parenting by our SO/H/BF.
So before you go through the time and expense of counseling take a frank look at your relationship with your BF. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Am I expected to babysit/care for skids on a regular basis, while BF is out working or playing?
2. Is BF pushing me into a mom role with his kids?
3. Is BF defensive if I mention his children are not behaving or being disrespectful towards me?
4. Does BF whine or make me feel guilty when I don't want to spend time with skids?
5. When skids are rude or disrespectful towards me, in front of BF, does he defend me?
6. Are skids respectful of my personal items or space?
7. Does BF discipline his kids and/or set appropriate boundaries?
If you answered Yes to the first four questions and NO the the last three questions, then the problem isn't you. It's your BF.
Counseling is for personal growth and edification. It is definitely not to be used to make you feel guilty because you're not "naturally" falling into the SM role. This is not a natural role in life. These skids are not your own. You are not their mother.
It sounds like from what you're not saying that your BF is making you feel guilty. If so, then he's a jackass and you should find a better partner.
I can understand why you
I can understand why you might think those things based on my post. To make things clear, my SO is extremely supportive and has never made me feel bad in any way. He is a good parent, and his son is a good boy that I get along great with. SO never dumps any parenting crap or burdens on me, in fact he does 95% of the parenting when his son is with us EOWE. I struggle with feelings of jealousy. Jealous of the history with BM, jealous that he has a child and I dont, although I want to start a family so much. Jealous of the feelings he has for his son, that I just don't feel. Insecure that he might not feel the same way about a second child. I feel slightly "ripped off" that i will never have a normal family, and when SS is with us it feels like we have a houseguest that throws everything out of whack and brings to surface all of these sad feelings. That's the cold hard truth about how I feel. SO is supportive of all these feelings, but of course I share them only to an extent. Leaving is not an option. We have been together 2 years and we are very much in love. I think my feelings about this situation stem from something deeper inside of me, perhaps from childhood. I want so badly to be able to see things in a different light and be happy.
I've made the step to seek counseling however in the area I live I could really only find one lady who has experience in step family relations, and of course she is not covered by my insurance. I've been reading the bios of dozens of therapists all week, and none of them jump out to me. Waiting to hear back from one lady who counsels families and couples. Guess we'll see where that goes. I just don't want to spend $100 per hour to talk to the ONE lady that counsels step parents.