Gay SS14 wearing diapers in a sexual way. Help!
I’m new here and I’m just looking for some support. My 14 yo ss is gay and that’s fine but... he has been wearing diapers and admits that it’s a sexual thing. Also admits to watching porn a couple of times a week. He is making kids at school uncomfortable by asking boys to the “bathroom” for I can only guess what. He made an Instagram account and followed several people who are into diapers and porn. He even asked a 12 yo boy for oral sex. He lies and there seems to be no consequences from his dad, my husband. This has so many layers of things to be pissed/concerned/afraid about. His BM does absolutely nothing to help with this. We only have him every other weekend and one night a week. Taking away phone/computer doesn’t stick bc his BM just gives them right back. This is bigger than punishment. It’s a mental illness, I believe. I want him to go to counseling from a professional but it’s overstepping my place. As it stands...it makes me sick to be around him.
So who's buying him the
So who's buying him the diapers?
If he's propositioning other kids at school and asking younger ones for oral sex, it might only be a matter of time before he's no longer your problem. How did you find out about this, BTW?
What's your DH going to do when he ups his game a bit and gets arrested?
He evidently stole the
He evidently stole the diapers from his grandfather on his mom’s side.
We know all this because I have two kids and they are all in the same marching band. Word travels fast about things like this. We have screenshots of emails, etc.
I believe he is headed straight for big trouble and I’ve honestly thought that maybe that is what he needs. I just want something done before he hurts other people.
What can I do without blowing this whole thing up including my marriage?
Personally, I’m not sure why
Personally, I’m not sure why you’d want to stay with a man who doesn’t see a problem with his kid being sexually aggressive & propositioning the kids around him. I’d be more concerned with the well-being of my own children & take the evidence you’ve got to the principle of the school. If it keeps happening, I’d bring it to the police.
This behaviour isn’t ok, and if nothing is done it’s only a matter of time before this kid molests someone at his school, if he hasn’t already.
"What can I do without
"What can I do without blowing this whole thing up including my marriage?"
Youi mean your dh knows abouit all this and has no problem with it? What's his explanation of it all? That he's just being a boy? That you're blowing the propositions out of dimension? That it's all a pack of lies made up by someone who is jealous of him? That all he needs is a good talking to?
Yes! Omg, yes!
Every single one of those statements! That’s amazing because it’s almost like a transcript of what he says. Add that he says I just want to get my ss in trouble. In reality, it’s precisely the opposite!
Have you asked your dh if he
Have you asked your dh if he was a sexual predator at the same age ... because it's the only reason I can find for him being OK with this.
It’s the Sexual Aggression
Thats concerning here, not a young person being gay or having a (fairly common it seems from reading Dan Savage’s column) kink, although I agree wholeheartedly that at 14, it’s sad he has seen so much porn which can’t be helping anything here and is oversexualizing this young man/potential sexual predator.
Sadly with a combination of poor to no parental oversight (and even if a kid’s own parent is monitoring, there’s always a parent of a friend who isn’t) and the ubiquity of porn, it seems most young teens have seen too much at a time when their hormones are out of control and the kids themselves are still not able to fully understand it.
Propositioning other kids at school in such an aggressive way is very concerning, and would be still if the kid was straight.
Is it possible this kid was sexually abused himself? Why isn’t one of his parents taking him to counseling yesterday?
This kid needs guidance and help. He appears to be learning about sex in all the wrong ways and it’s sad neither parent is doing anything to help. This kid could very easily get to the point where he hurts another kid with his sexual aggression (depending on what porn he’s watching that could be normalizing aggressive sexual behavior to him, and doubly so if he himself has been abused).
But if his parents continue to bury their heads, they are contributing to this tragedy in the making.
I don’t think I could stay with anyone who isn’t taking their child’s behavior seriously., especially when the kid is so clearly out of control.
^^^^^THIS
^^^^^THIS
10000000%.
10000000%.
This kid needs therapy, the diaper thing doesn’t concern me nearly as much as propositioning kids at school. That’s dangerous, predatory behaviour & it’s only a matter of time before he comes across a vulnerable child who goes along with these requests.
I could never stay with a man who allowed this type of behaviour. Knowing that it’s only a matter of time before the kid hurts another child & DH doing nothing to prevent it... I just couldn’t stomach that knowledge, no matter how much I loved the man. I’d never want to be associated with that kind of trauma knowing nothing had been done to stop it from happening.
I’m with the others. This kid
I’m with the others. This kid needs therapy before he ends up on the sex offenders registry. Your DH ignoring it is horrifying. How can you respect a man who cares so little about his child’s well-being? Being gay is fine - but the other stuff indicates a confused young person who is headed for trouble.
Honestly, CPS might take a call that the parents are allowing him to watch porn despite his sexually aggressive behavior. This is neglect on their part.
Neglect
I agree it’s neglect. I guess I’ve let myself think it’s just because he doesn’t know what to do. Which is maybe enabling his lack of action.
We only really fight about this and I’ve lost so much respect for him because he’s allowing it to happen. I’ve been with him for almost 9 years and he has never parented like this before. It’s always been a pretty tight ship...until this.
I’m about to blow the lid off this deal by taking him to a counselor myself. That’s gonna make ss hate me even more but maybe I can save some kid from ss actions?
Do you have the legal
Do you have the legal authority to take him to counselling sessions?
I do agree you should take some sort of action yourself. You’re an adult, you know what’s happening, and you’ll have to live with the fact that nothing was done to prevent an assault if it ever happens. If that was me, it would haunt me for the rest of my days.
I'm not sure you’d be able to get him into counselling without parental consent, but you aren’t powerless here. Your children attend his school, there’s nothing to stop you from taking this to the principle, or calling CPS yourself.
This will not resolve itself. As much as you want to protect your marriage, the safety & wellbeing of your kids needs to come first. What if it’s one of your kids friends your SS ends up hurting? Or one of their brothers or sisters? What if he tried this with your kids??
Evidently not
I just called to make the appointment and I can’t as a step. So, I guess one of them has to call? Can we use my EAP from work? I don’t know how this all works.
As far as my kids go. They are safe. Believe me, I’m a mother bear and if there was something that could hurt them, it would be stopped. As a matter of fact, we learned about it through my kids because they find all this abhorrent. They avoid him and I usually don’t have my kids when ss is here.
You might be able to use your
You might be able to use your EAP through work, but it would still need to be either your DH or BM that actually signs him on or gives permission for him to be seen.
Makes me want to run away
Makes me want to run away
I agree, as much as you want
I agree, as much as you want to save your marriage (I would also have a hard time staying with a man that parented this bad), you must protect them from a sexual deviant predator.
Your children told you about ss behavior...what if they also tell their father and he reports it to CPS and files for custody (and I wouldn't blame him! I would! No way my child is living with a peer/step-sib that is a predator).
I think your huaband has talked you into believing this isn't that big of a deal (to an extent). You sound like you know...but maybe are unsure so came here for advice.
My advice? If your husband insists "nothing is wrong with my son" (TM) and will not take action, YOU need to take action to protect yourself and your children.
Yes, agreed - if you have
Yes, agreed - if you have minor children, you need to move out with them until DH agrees to address this issue.
Privacy or disengagement?
Is this kid entitled to privacy online? I say, hell no! He is a child and needs oversight and guidance. (I have parental controls, etc. on my kids stuff so it’s not like I’m singling ss out.) especially not with everything written in this forum post.
Hubby says he won’t invade his privacy but I disagree. I can’t just go snooping when he explicitly told me not to. I feel like he’s giving ss all the tools for his own demise.
Our school system can monitor kids’ activity and email that’s used on their system but hubby won’t even let him be on a watch list.
My guess is that your DH is
My guess is that your DH is embarrassed and hoping this will all blow over and he won’t have to address it. But it’s more likely to get worse.
Porn is illegal for a 14 yo so he is allowing his son to engage in illegal activity that’s bad for him, it’s no different than allowing SS to raid the booze and not doing anything about it.
Maybe you let DH know you are wrestling with this and if he doesn’t take action, minimally getting SS a therapist, you will feel the need to call CPS. Eventually, the school will do it, most likely.
Parental control does not
Parental control does not necessarily mean snooping ... IF he is accessing porn on a computer/smartphone/tablet/ert. that depends on your router, you can filter out the porn at that level. No snooping involved, you'd simply not be facilitating his access.
Honestly, if you know who he
Honestly, if you know who he propositioned I would call that parent and ask for them to call CPS. Someone has to step in with the authority to make something happen and since neither of his parents will, you have to find another way.
If you don't know who it was, I would make an anonymous call myself. Give all the details you can and if anyone asks if it was you- NOPE.
My deceased brother was gay,
and I am certain that he would say that your SS is a predator. Who happens to be gay.
Kids have no privacy online in your home
When they move out and pay there own bills, pay for there own internet. They can do as they want. But still don’t have really privacy. Have it from you, but not from the government. Just down load Kidd porn and see how much privacy you have. Actually he can discuss this with the Judge
Welcome to the site. Quite
Welcome to the site. Quite the grand entrance lol. Can I ask - just how did you know that your SS has been propositioning younger kids at school? Did he confess to it? presumably you didn't know from a teacher because if one of them had known about it, I imagine your SS would have been suspended pretty fast.
My son’s friend took a
My son’s friend took a screenshot of the email ss sent him and sent it to my son, who sent it to me. I shared with hubby and we had a big sit down talk with ss including his BM. That kid was the same age and he admitted to it when confronted with the email screenshot.
The younger boy was the son of a friend of his BM. She was at their house when the event happened! He lied about that to his mom after that boy reported it to his father and ss BM. Then my hubby really got angry and confronted him and he fessed up. He temporarily had all his screens taken away and pulled out of an extracurricular band.
But still no counseling or confronting the actual problems behind the behavior. Also, no real attempt at oversight to keep it from happening again.
So this couild be the tip of
So this couild be the tip of the iceberg. I wonder how many other kids he has propositioned.
What state do you live in?
What state do you live in?
I’d rather not say
I’m in this forum for anonymity and I feel like that would diminish it. A do appreciate you reading my post and taking an interest.
If someone turns SS into CPS or law enforcement,
If someone turns him into CPS or law enforcement, your children are going to get interviewed because they live in the same home. Do you want them to have to go through that? I know you said they are usually not with you when SS14 is there, but they are going to get drug into this. You need to take steps now to protect them.
You said DH didn't know what to do. It is pretty obvious the kid needs therapy and all access to porn needs to end. At the minimum someone needs to have a frank talk with him about how you approach someone for sex - because the way he is going about it is going to get him in trouble. He also needs a refresher on safe sex and condom use. If he doesn't get turned in to the authorities, he is going to get beat up when he approaches the wrong boy in the wrong way.
The pervy diaper shit has
The pervy diaper shit has nothing to do with his sexual orientation. However, his propositioning younger boys for sex should be addressed agressively and painfully NOW. Call the police and let them deal with his sexual preditor tendencies.
We have dear friends who adopted two boys out of sexually abusive homes. Their eldest was beyond salvage and is now in a residential behavioral modification ranch run by the State and is about to be moved to Juvenile detention due to his inability to control his urges to mollest younger boys.
You can't help this kid. Give him to the authorities that can force resolution.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this.