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15 year old step son

M's picture

I need adivice. My stepson turned 15 and is now in high school. BACKGROUND: My husband and I have been together for a little over 4 years. He has had full custody of his children (15 son. 11 daughter) when I came into their life the girl was 7 and the boy was 11. Their mother is on drugs and out on the streets currently. the first couple of years, she bounced in and out of their lives and then one day abandoned them completely. It has been two years since they have seen their mother. When she left we put both the children into couseling with an amazing child counselor of 20+ years experience. She's worked with the most defiant juvenial delenquents and also young children with severe problems. I basically trust her with my life now! ... anyway, we came to find that the girl (now 11) has a porn addiction since she was in 1st grade she claims, we have the proof from our search histories, hardcore porn that runs the gammit from trannys, to leasbians, to old old men with young young girls and even a boy having sex with his x box! It was truly horrifying for us to find this out. She has anger issues and abuses the dogs, her older brother and showed marked hostility towards her new baby sister (1 year 5mo.) She started to become so defiant with us that she would just lash out and tell everyone in the world that she was being abused in the home by ME!! (not true at all) We were doing all we could to give her love, structure, security, firmness and a family. I understand all the evil stepmom bruhaha out there, but I was truly in this to help and love as I was not sure I would have children of my own and I wanted to love all I could. She adamantly denies she was sexually abused but the counselor believes she was because of the years of porn and the deep addiction she had to it. She has said a couple of Vauge things about her moms boyfriend who was and still is in the picture when I came into their lives, but really, it is all uncertain. Anyway, she now is in custodial care of her Maternal grandparents because she became so hateful and dangerous in our home to the older boy and my baby. We feared her truly. Her counslor referred her to a great psyciatric program at the university where we live, for children. She said she could go no further with her as she needed extended treatment. It was a year waiting list and by the time she was called to join, no one would help us out financially so that she could go. NO ONE!!! No one believes us that she has a porn addiction Sad They think we are crazy and because of her young age, they think it unbelievable! We did all we could to save up the money and even try for a loan but sadly the opportunity passed us by. We were very spacific with the rules that she needed to be monitored on the internet and devices and I have found since from her email address that grandma lets her have access to a tablet of some sort. Through her email I have found that she is heavely looking at porn again!!! Everytime we try to talk to family about this, we are poo pooed and more or less I am blamed because, you know, evil step mother and all. Hell, they dont even blame my husband of their damn mom in fact. Just me because apparently it caused them great stress to have a new lady in their life that wanted the best for them. Anyway, in the end she was diagnosed with Reactive attachment disorder, and oppositional defiant disorder. It is believe that mom was on drugs or drinking while they were inutero and she failed to attach properly to her children.
On to my step son. While the girl was living with us, he seemed to be in misery. constantly being picked on by his sister and being hit and kicked and bossed around. and yet there were odd behaviours between the two. They would whine and complaine about each other and we would say, "Well then, stay away from each other, don't pester." but they could not leave each other alone! I can see why, probably a codependency from losing their mom, however, at times, the girl would take on a more intimate role with him, wanting to play house as mom and dad, andf tickle his butt and lay on top of him (this was revealed by him when she moved out this past April). My stepson is 15 now, goes to high school and has always had an amazing GPA of 4.0 or 3.8 usually. He also is quite yet very charming to most everyone he meets. He just wins people over. Because his father and I were dealing with the in-your-face- behavioural problems his sister had, he was sort of on the back burner because we thought he was doing ok. SO far from the truth. His sister left the house in late April this year (2014) He would hang around his dad, myself and baby a lot more and loved teasing and playing with his baby sister... I had no Idea that he too was addicted to porn and has been hiding and keeping so many secrets from us, it's unbeleviable really. I tried spending a lot of time with him this summer and we would chat about life, friends, school, girls . his mom and sister, I thought we were making great progress...seems I have been schmoozed by the bright smile and carefully planned kiss ass words.... He would go through our bedroom (which has always been off limits) when we were not home and take DVDs out of cases and leave the cases, and god knows what else he went through. I am his step mother and this makes me so uncomfortable. This is my room where I am intimate with his father. We have things in out room, hidden of course, that are for our private eyes only (sex toys, naked photos of us, my underware and lingerie) anything any normal couple across america has in their bedrooms. I felt so violated and we confronted him on it. He just says he did it cause he wanted to.... Also, I got him a summer job working for my customer. My customer paid him $700 for the whole summer to take care of his yard! we have since found that my stepson went through his home and personal belongings while he was not home and even used his home computer to look at porn. He was caught taking my parents tablets and ipads into the bathroom with him to watch porn and masterbate at thier house! He is constantly trying to look down my shirt when I bend to pick the baby up or anytime for that matter! My husband even called him out on it once when it was so obvious. (I dress very classy, not revealing at all) He has showed marked hostility towards me latley, throwing the food I cook for him away, dumping the laundry i fold for him onto the dirty floor and leaving it there, drinking my diet cokes (he says he hates diet coke), using my conditioner and leg shave gel to masterbate with in the shower, etc. all the while keeping up his cherade of perfect young man with straight A's... however, his smarts just come to him. A gift, he does not even study or have to try. He will go to the library and sneak more dirty type magazines into his book bag, or rated R DVD's. We have had sit down talks with him about all of this, as has my Dad and my customer, two amazing men with smarts and wisdom to offer him....but he does not even respect anyone!!! certainly not his dad, so why anyone else....well the kicker is; He was caught by my parents looking at my babies private parts and becoming aroused from it!!!! ..... My fear 1.Anger issues with women 2. boundary issue. He does not respect the privacy or the property of others. 3. Sexual issues. He has admitted to being addicted to porn. What will this lead to? He could potentally rape or moleste someone! We have had him in two years of counseling. He does not respect us, he hates us infact and the rules of our home. Because of the porn issues with the kids we are very conscience with the computer and have gaurds on that and the TV. I am at a loss now. He wont listen to anyone. He habitually lies, even to his friends saying he has a house in Hawaii and other such big tales. I cant at all leave my baby in his care or around him now. God help me! I left her with him for only a couple of hours a couple months back before my parents revealed their findings. I live mostly in the basement with the baby, in fear of him. He is much taller than me now and he scares me. Mostly it scares me that he so easily lies and disrespects us, all the while smiling and charming the pants off of the community .... what do i do!!!??? I feel like I have a future Ted Bundy in my home...I am very serious about this! HELP HELP!!


ybarra357's picture

Lord have mercy, the only advice I can give is to get you and your infant OUT OF THERE!!!!

sasha101's picture

I can only echo what the others have said - you need to protect your little girl above anything else. If he's looking at her privates and getting aroused from it now, how long will it be before he goes further? He's a sexual predator in the making and it sounds like he has some kind of very dangerous personality disorder. It's sad that his background and abuse/neglect by his mother is probably responsible for his problems, but that's not your fault and you've tried everything you can to try and help both him and his sister, but as much as you love your husband, you might seriously have to consider living seperately until the kid leaves home or gets put in jail, which is bound to happen sooner or later. Your daughter is in danger being under the same roof as this kid and you need to get her away from him before he does something to her!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Tell your DH to ship the little perv off to military school or you and DD will move out until he's PERMANENTLY gone.

Step2's picture

Do whatever you have t do to protect her! She doesn’t need to end up like them. You shouldn’t have to live in fear, either. What is your husband doing about all this? Your SS needs help! (Like mine)

Trini868's picture

I am so sorry that you have been through this. You make my experience seem like nothing. It seems that you and your DH are a team in dealing with the kids which is so important. For the safety of your child, I would leave or try extreme measures to have your SS enter into rehab for addiction. I am not sure if there is any treatment for children but it's an addiction like any other that needs to be dealt with. I would have entered him into a juvenile boot camp too for that disrespectful and disgusting behaviour. Keep strong and don't back down from these kids