I am a believer that everyone gets to creat the family that works for them. And no one is required to keep adults in their lives because of "blood" .

Some single people form "families" with close friends. Gay partners create families with and without marriage.

And if steps and bios want to form one big family more power to them.

But it is not a given that your partner's ex and his/her family now become your new extended family. That really doesn't work for most people. So I disagree with the premise that when you marry someone with kids that the ex bio parent becomes part of a big extended family with you.

And just because you marry someone with children does not automatically make you the parent (step or otherwise) of those children. My husband's sons were never my children in any shape or form. They had parents - and I was not one of them. Now mine were older (youngest in his very early 20s when we met).

I think the stereotypical "stepmother" role really dates back to olden times when there was a more rigid separation of what each sex would do. Parenting was pretty much defined as "mothering" and not something the dad did.

It is not the 1950s now so just because your partner has children does not mean that you have to parent them. You get a choice to a fun aunt - or a distant aunt. Small children should be safe and protected but the step figure really has no obligation to parent someone else's child. Parenting is darn hard work if done right. A woman with a career may have zero desire to raise children - she may like children and enjoy seeing them and truly care about them (like the aunt) but not really have the time or desire to be a parent to them.

Now if a man is looking for a substitute mother he needs to be upfront about that asap. It is not something to be assumed. And no mother should assume that a new husband automatically wants to support her children with another man.

The "real issue" and "WILL NEVER BE ADMITTED" is that when a MAN re-marries, the kids and ex see it as "the new woman now takes daddy's money"...when a WOMAN, ie. BM re-marries, the kids and the ex see it as "another MAN is helping us financially EVEN MORE, we now GET MORE". If a step-dad spends money on his step-kids, society, BMs and most SKIDS see it as "that was nice of him, he didn't have to do that, he helps us out so much". If a step-mom spends money on her step-kids, society, BMs and MOST SKIDS see it as "it's not HER money anyway, she's not doing anything for us, she is just USING DAD'S money, which is OURS anyway".

That my dear, is the truth. That is the MAJORITY of the cases. Regardless of the fact that MANY step-moms make more money than their DHs, regardless of the fact that the FIRST WIFE was ENTITLED as far as society, the SKIDS and BM to the husband's money, even ABOVE her kids, ie. he could get her diamond rings and not get his kids iPads and NOBODY would complain, when it is a step-mom, she is an evil, money hungry witch...

So to all step-moms I say, "try at first, if you don't succeed, keep your money separate and let them think whatever the f#$%ck they want to think".