It's probably hormones but I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and shitty about steplife today. So I had my beautiful baby boy (first baby) at 5am Tuesday morning. It was quite a traumatic birth experience which resulted in an emergency section but he is here and healthy and I am totally in love (albeit a lot of pain). We finally got home Friday night at 1030 pm after being in hospital since Monday night . I am a first time mom -
Learning to do everything with my baby and I am really struggling with making milk - it's day 5 and my milk has not yet come in. Baby lost a lot of weight so I am also having to bottle feed and I have been feeling really bad feelings of guilt because I didn't pick up on how hungry baby boy has been the past three days.
Anyway I'm just feeling so bad about steplife. Yesterday we were hoping to get discharged earlier in the day but me and baby had to wait in hospital another 2 hours because ss needed to be collected from somewhere and Bm could not do it. Then today, he is off to collect as for the usual weekend visitation and I am stressed because dh also needs to pick up formula and by the time he has collected ss does not know if he will wb back in time for baby's next feed. I am also feeling really emotional that I am sat here on my own first day home with baby while he is going to get ss. I also know dh will be his usual self lavishing lots of attention on ss while I look after baby on my own. I mean I am currently ironing now because I know it won't get done if I don't do it . I am just so upset about my milk not coming in and I have such cracked and sore nipplws from trying - I feel like just giving in the towel with regards to breastfeeding. On the plus side I have the most beautiful baby boy sleeping here beside me and the love I feel for him Is like no other.
Aside from any step issues, much of what you are feeling is very normal for a new mom! I could have written some of what you wrote! When I got home from the hospital with my first son, I also had trouble producing milk. My DH had to run out to buy formula for me, and other things I didn't think of, and I felt very nervous and emotional being home alone with the baby. I never produced enough milk, and I had no idea that was possible, so I felt like a completely failure for not being able to breastfeed my baby. Nobody told me that could happen! I used to cry and cry just thinking I was a failure and a defective woman.
This is a very emotional time for you...hang in there!
My SD wasn't around when my children were all born, but DH still didn't help me at all. By the time I had my 3rd baby this year, I was glad he didn't have paternity leave because having him home and not helping was so much worse than him just going off to work. I can imagine seeing your DH with SS instead of helping you will be very tough. You will get through it!!
It's a shame you couldn't just ask your DH to not have SS this weekend because you are hormonal, emotional, in pain and can use his undivided attention. When I tried to say to DH that I would like some help, it would just start a fight and he refused.
Yeah steplife sucks when you have a new baby. Our first baby we got home from hospital and BM was at our house waiting with SD! She was 5. And mind you we had a very very bad relationship with her. BM is diagnosed BPD so lots of craziness and fighting and stress. She was pregnant too. She was friendly enough- definitely one of her "good days" but she ruined our 1st moments home which is what she set out to do. I still see those pics of SD holding DD from 17 years ago and know BM took them and it still upsets me.
She also ruined DDs christening and 1st bday by showing up and fighting with us.
2nd child born and she expected DH to take visitation right after I gave birth and was in teh hospital. My older DD was with my family so me and DH could stay with the baby. BM called MIL and complained and MIL criticized DH and said he didnt need to be with me and I was fine and he needed to get SD. DH said no and MIL was spiteful and wouldnt let my FIL take my older DD up to the hospital like was planned and my DH had to leave and go get DD. Was gone the whole night between picking up and dropping off.
He wanted SD to visit in the hospital too but SD was sick with a cold and they all told DH it was no big deal. So I understand feeling ripped off. i used to wish it was just us too. I have no real words of advice. I still remember all of that and wish I didnt. Im sorry your DH is not thinking of you and baby. Cant these men ever give you a lousy weekend to get to know the new baby without the drama?
thank you for your lovely message - makes me feel like I'm not a total failure. I just have awful feelings of guilt and when I see him wolfing down a bottle after spending 30 mins trying to breastfeed it breaks my heart a little. I feel terrible for even wanting it - I know ss13 is his son too but just for this weekend it would have been nice . I don't know how I'm even going to feed my baby in front of ss and also it has been advised to try to stay topless as much as possible to let nipples heal - won't be doing that now I guess. I just know dh being off playing video games with ss is going to annoy me while I'm caring for baby boy - I love it but I do all of the night time looking after despite just getting out of hospital for having a section - dh seems utterly clueless
Girl I am so sorry! I have been there and done that. First and foremost congratulations on becoming a mom! It is the best and most intense ride of your life but it is the most rewarding!!
I also had to have an emergency c section and felt horrible afterwards. My H was so wrapped up in making sure that SS7 was there at the hospital for every waking moment and every moment after that it totally "rained on my parade". I understand completely the feeling of just wishing it would be you two and the newborn as I begged for that and it is still an argument to this day.
My H works off and only gets to come home about every 3rd or 4th weekend. I have asked him for the 1st night to just be us and our son(2) and then he can pick up SS the next day but I am the "spawn of Satan" for asking such a thing!!
My H was and still is so hands off from our son and would do the video game thing with SS7 every single time he was home versus helping me. I felt perfectly capable of taking care of our baby but felt resentful when I wasn't getting help around the house so I know exactly what you are feeling. Add hormones being all out of whack and it's just not a great combination.
Let me be 100% honest with you- you have to be straight forward and honest with him about exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't seem to care how I feel and has never changed but I am praying that your H will open his eyes and see what it is doing to you. My BS is almost 2 years old and I am just now getting to where I am not ABSOLUTELY pissed everytime I see my H just sitting on his ass not helping. It is a long long exhausting road if it can't be fixed; just know that YOU aren't doing anything wrong! He needs to be a man and step up. He can love his 1st son and still put his wife first.
I have four children. Breastfed them all. Still breastfeeding my baby. Mine never came in before day5. and you know what, I supplemented until it did. The nurses would try and guilt me for it but hey... it is what it is. If it will destress and make you not worry about the baby being hungry and give you time to get some lanolin on your cracked parts, I say supplement it but don't give up just yet.
My milk came in - but not enough to feed the baby. So she was breastfeeding, but not getting enough. Crying from hunger. As a first-time mum, I did not realize what was happening. I felt terrible when I realized my baby was going hungry
I ended up combining what breast milk I had with formula. DD is absolutely fine, a little monkey and bright as a button. My paediatrician has a photo in her office, taken 100-plus years ago, of some nuns feeding a baby by putting the child straight onto a goat's teat. This was common apparently when there was noting else - and the babies survived.
Over the centuries and millennia, not every woman has been able to breastfeed - that is one reason why some people had wet nurses. Others made do with whatever they could. If you only and exclusively feed your baby formula, he will be fine. Don't give it another thought: he has something much more important, a mother who loves him and will look out for him.
What you are feeling is utterly normal and having had an emergency C-section myself I can sympathize - it took me weeks to be able to stand straight and walk without pain. It does get better, I promise.
I had to stay in hospital for 4 days and the day I took my daughter home I cried all the way in the car and for a while after getting home - the hormones and emotions were just too much. If you can't cope with SS this weekend, tell your DH straight that you don't feel up to looking after him as well as a newborn. Hell if you can, take yourself to your mother's house for a few days! As a new mother you need looking after as well. All the best x.
My milk came in but I couldn't breastfeed to save my life! It was terrible. I would of course leak all over the place but my first son and I were having problems with this. You know, I envisioned me there, breastfeeding my baby with a big smile on my face, feeling relaxed, baby eating; ha! It didn't go down like that! My son was jaundiced and I was a nervous, exhausted, wreck. He was weak and couldn't suck the milk out. He ended up back under a bilirubin lamp on xmas day. My exh and I were devastated. He needed to eat as this would help his liver get going. I said hell with it, put him on formula and never looked back.
I chose to not breastfeed any of my boys and they are fine. We are bonded and they are healthy. They were healthy baby's. After the kids were born, while in the hospital, I would tell the nurses that I chose not to breastfeed. They would look at me in horror like I was killing my baby. They would send the breastfeeding nazis to my room and stand there giving me 1001 reasons why I needed to change my mind and breastfeed. I adamantly refused. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't relax and the milk was there but only leaked out and my kid was starving. Fuck it! Not worth it! I never felt guilty or like I was less of a woman.
Please be kind to yourself. Don't feel bad. You're baby will be fine. You both will bond and be happy and healthy. You did the best you could. Breastfeeding won't make you a better mom. You love your baby, it's ok.
Get some rest. I hope you have someone to help you. Take care and good luck to you and your family.
Amber
Not judging, just offering advice on breastfeeding since I feel that there is not enough support out there for new moms.
Milk can take up to one week to come in and that is normal. Before that time, babies only need colostrum. It is completely natural for ALL babies to lose weight after birth. Even formula fed babies do so. The only time that you should worry is if they are not wetting six diapers a day and dirtying one diaper per 24 hours.
Feed on demand. Newborns want to feed constantly and it is important to let them do so as this is what builds your milk supply. Use this time to bond with your baby. It's completely normal for newborns to want to feed every hour. The hour starts when the baby BEGINS feeding, so really, you may only get a 30 minute break from breastfeeding. This is important for your recovery as well as it will force you to take frequent breaks.
Nursing is hard initially, but becomes so much easier after 6 weeks to 3 months.
Regarding feelings for your SS, that's normal and I felt it too. I just tried to keep telling myself that it was me and I tried to concentrate on my precious baby girl who needed me. Good luck to you.
This is excellent advice and you can ask your Dr for eglonyl. If you're stressed or feeling anxious (children with a new baby will do that) this helps take the edge off as well. When my milk supply started to slow down I did exactly what baby says and I went on eglonyl. It made all the difference.
Also add supplements for yourself. Look for the recipe for breastfeeding cookies which is a natural way to boost milk. Similac mom is a well known one.
I don't have kids yet so I can't give you advice in the nursing area, but I do know that I fear SS13 coming over right away once we have our first baby. I imagine what you wrote was me coming here and writing a year from now. I really feel for you.
I think it's normal, who on earth would want to be breastfeeding for the first time with a teenage boy lurking around the house. How miserable!! I'll be there with you I am sure. I would love to ask for SS not be there for just one weekend, but gosh that could backfire too if BM decides to be a bitch as usual. I can see it now, "ohhhh new baby replacing ss13, ohhhh SM Lintini wants to have just HER family, blah blah blah." Not to mention it takes 7+ hours to get SS13, so long husband! See ya half a day later!
Because if a mother truly desires to breastfeed she does not need to hear about how she doesn't need to do it and there's always formula. Everyone knows there's formula and it is available. She needs support saying you can do it and everything you are experiencing is normal and it will get better. That way she can accomplish her goal which she obviously set up for herself or she would have been using formula from the get go. No one said formula is poison. But if she wants to breastfeed, she needs support and from my experience there is not a lot of support out there. No one is telling her, this is all normal, you don't need to supplement. And it will get better. You can do it. Not who cares, formula isn't poison, give up.
I agree with you to an extent! Have you experienced bringing home your 1st baby while also having a SS or SD at home? I went through it 2 years ago and it is hard and frustrating and scary and all new. I don't think that she should be cutting DH any slack. He needs to respect her as his wife and follow through with her wishes. I agree that if they shared an older child that child would still need attention/management, etc. BUT they don't- they do not share an older child so that situation isn't relevant. It's apples and oranges (I say this because my H used to say that crap to me! lol) Being a 1st time mother compared to already having a child are 2 different experiences. The SS does need to spend time with the baby but the 1st weekend or even the first few weekends that the baby is home and she is recouping from surgery won't hinder a lifetime that the SS has to bond with the baby. Mom and baby are 1st and foremost on the list of importance at this moment. (Sorry if I sound bitchy- I have just literally sat in these exact shoes and it is FRUSTRATING when you feel like no one is backing you or understands where you are coming from!)
It's probably hormones but
It's probably hormones but I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and shitty about steplife today. So I had my beautiful baby boy (first baby) at 5am Tuesday morning. It was quite a traumatic birth experience which resulted in an emergency section but he is here and healthy and I am totally in love (albeit a lot of pain). We finally got home Friday night at 1030 pm after being in hospital since Monday night . I am a first time mom -
Learning to do everything with my baby and I am really struggling with making milk - it's day 5 and my milk has not yet come in. Baby lost a lot of weight so I am also having to bottle feed and I have been feeling really bad feelings of guilt because I didn't pick up on how hungry baby boy has been the past three days.
Anyway I'm just feeling so bad about steplife. Yesterday we were hoping to get discharged earlier in the day but me and baby had to wait in hospital another 2 hours because ss needed to be collected from somewhere and Bm could not do it. Then today, he is off to collect as for the usual weekend visitation and I am stressed because dh also needs to pick up formula and by the time he has collected ss does not know if he will wb back in time for baby's next feed. I am also feeling really emotional that I am sat here on my own first day home with baby while he is going to get ss. I also know dh will be his usual self lavishing lots of attention on ss while I look after baby on my own. I mean I am currently ironing now because I know it won't get done if I don't do it . I am just so upset about my milk not coming in and I have such cracked and sore nipplws from trying - I feel like just giving in the towel with regards to breastfeeding. On the plus side I have the most beautiful baby boy sleeping here beside me and the love I feel for him Is like no other.
Congrats on your
Congrats on your baby!!!
Aside from any step issues, much of what you are feeling is very normal for a new mom! I could have written some of what you wrote! When I got home from the hospital with my first son, I also had trouble producing milk. My DH had to run out to buy formula for me, and other things I didn't think of, and I felt very nervous and emotional being home alone with the baby. I never produced enough milk, and I had no idea that was possible, so I felt like a completely failure for not being able to breastfeed my baby. Nobody told me that could happen! I used to cry and cry just thinking I was a failure and a defective woman.
This is a very emotional time for you...hang in there!
My SD wasn't around when my children were all born, but DH still didn't help me at all. By the time I had my 3rd baby this year, I was glad he didn't have paternity leave because having him home and not helping was so much worse than him just going off to work. I can imagine seeing your DH with SS instead of helping you will be very tough. You will get through it!!
It's a shame you couldn't just ask your DH to not have SS this weekend because you are hormonal, emotional, in pain and can use his undivided attention. When I tried to say to DH that I would like some help, it would just start a fight and he refused.
Yeah steplife sucks when you
Yeah steplife sucks when you have a new baby. Our first baby we got home from hospital and BM was at our house waiting with SD! She was 5. And mind you we had a very very bad relationship with her. BM is diagnosed BPD so lots of craziness and fighting and stress. She was pregnant too. She was friendly enough- definitely one of her "good days" but she ruined our 1st moments home which is what she set out to do. I still see those pics of SD holding DD from 17 years ago and know BM took them and it still upsets me.
She also ruined DDs christening and 1st bday by showing up and fighting with us.
2nd child born and she expected DH to take visitation right after I gave birth and was in teh hospital. My older DD was with my family so me and DH could stay with the baby. BM called MIL and complained and MIL criticized DH and said he didnt need to be with me and I was fine and he needed to get SD. DH said no and MIL was spiteful and wouldnt let my FIL take my older DD up to the hospital like was planned and my DH had to leave and go get DD. Was gone the whole night between picking up and dropping off.
He wanted SD to visit in the hospital too but SD was sick with a cold and they all told DH it was no big deal. So I understand feeling ripped off. i used to wish it was just us too. I have no real words of advice. I still remember all of that and wish I didnt. Im sorry your DH is not thinking of you and baby. Cant these men ever give you a lousy weekend to get to know the new baby without the drama?
thank you for your lovely
thank you for your lovely message - makes me feel like I'm not a total failure. I just have awful feelings of guilt and when I see him wolfing down a bottle after spending 30 mins trying to breastfeed it breaks my heart a little. I feel terrible for even wanting it - I know ss13 is his son too but just for this weekend it would have been nice . I don't know how I'm even going to feed my baby in front of ss and also it has been advised to try to stay topless as much as possible to let nipples heal - won't be doing that now I guess. I just know dh being off playing video games with ss is going to annoy me while I'm caring for baby boy - I love it but I do all of the night time looking after despite just getting out of hospital for having a section - dh seems utterly clueless
Girl I am so sorry! I have
Girl I am so sorry! I have been there and done that. First and foremost congratulations on becoming a mom! It is the best and most intense ride of your life but it is the most rewarding!!
I also had to have an emergency c section and felt horrible afterwards. My H was so wrapped up in making sure that SS7 was there at the hospital for every waking moment and every moment after that it totally "rained on my parade". I understand completely the feeling of just wishing it would be you two and the newborn as I begged for that and it is still an argument to this day.
My H works off and only gets to come home about every 3rd or 4th weekend. I have asked him for the 1st night to just be us and our son(2) and then he can pick up SS the next day but I am the "spawn of Satan" for asking such a thing!!
My H was and still is so hands off from our son and would do the video game thing with SS7 every single time he was home versus helping me. I felt perfectly capable of taking care of our baby but felt resentful when I wasn't getting help around the house so I know exactly what you are feeling. Add hormones being all out of whack and it's just not a great combination.
Let me be 100% honest with you- you have to be straight forward and honest with him about exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't seem to care how I feel and has never changed but I am praying that your H will open his eyes and see what it is doing to you. My BS is almost 2 years old and I am just now getting to where I am not ABSOLUTELY pissed everytime I see my H just sitting on his ass not helping. It is a long long exhausting road if it can't be fixed; just know that YOU aren't doing anything wrong! He needs to be a man and step up. He can love his 1st son and still put his wife first.
I have four children.
I have four children. Breastfed them all. Still breastfeeding my baby. Mine never came in before day5. and you know what, I supplemented until it did. The nurses would try and guilt me for it but hey... it is what it is. If it will destress and make you not worry about the baby being hungry and give you time to get some lanolin on your cracked parts, I say supplement it but don't give up just yet.
My milk came in - but not
My milk came in - but not enough to feed the baby. So she was breastfeeding, but not getting enough. Crying from hunger. As a first-time mum, I did not realize what was happening. I felt terrible when I realized my baby was going hungry
I ended up combining what breast milk I had with formula. DD is absolutely fine, a little monkey and bright as a button. My paediatrician has a photo in her office, taken 100-plus years ago, of some nuns feeding a baby by putting the child straight onto a goat's teat. This was common apparently when there was noting else - and the babies survived.
Over the centuries and millennia, not every woman has been able to breastfeed - that is one reason why some people had wet nurses. Others made do with whatever they could. If you only and exclusively feed your baby formula, he will be fine. Don't give it another thought: he has something much more important, a mother who loves him and will look out for him.
What you are feeling is utterly normal and having had an emergency C-section myself I can sympathize - it took me weeks to be able to stand straight and walk without pain. It does get better, I promise.
I had to stay in hospital for 4 days and the day I took my daughter home I cried all the way in the car and for a while after getting home - the hormones and emotions were just too much. If you can't cope with SS this weekend, tell your DH straight that you don't feel up to looking after him as well as a newborn. Hell if you can, take yourself to your mother's house for a few days! As a new mother you need looking after as well. All the best x.
My milk came in but I
My milk came in but I couldn't breastfeed to save my life! It was terrible. I would of course leak all over the place but my first son and I were having problems with this. You know, I envisioned me there, breastfeeding my baby with a big smile on my face, feeling relaxed, baby eating; ha! It didn't go down like that! My son was jaundiced and I was a nervous, exhausted, wreck. He was weak and couldn't suck the milk out. He ended up back under a bilirubin lamp on xmas day. My exh and I were devastated. He needed to eat as this would help his liver get going. I said hell with it, put him on formula and never looked back.
I chose to not breastfeed any of my boys and they are fine. We are bonded and they are healthy. They were healthy baby's. After the kids were born, while in the hospital, I would tell the nurses that I chose not to breastfeed. They would look at me in horror like I was killing my baby. They would send the breastfeeding nazis to my room and stand there giving me 1001 reasons why I needed to change my mind and breastfeed. I adamantly refused. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't relax and the milk was there but only leaked out and my kid was starving. Fuck it! Not worth it! I never felt guilty or like I was less of a woman.
Please be kind to yourself. Don't feel bad. You're baby will be fine. You both will bond and be happy and healthy. You did the best you could. Breastfeeding won't make you a better mom. You love your baby, it's ok.
Get some rest. I hope you have someone to help you. Take care and good luck to you and your family.
Amber
Not judging, just offering
Not judging, just offering advice on breastfeeding since I feel that there is not enough support out there for new moms.
Milk can take up to one week to come in and that is normal. Before that time, babies only need colostrum. It is completely natural for ALL babies to lose weight after birth. Even formula fed babies do so. The only time that you should worry is if they are not wetting six diapers a day and dirtying one diaper per 24 hours.
Feed on demand. Newborns want to feed constantly and it is important to let them do so as this is what builds your milk supply. Use this time to bond with your baby. It's completely normal for newborns to want to feed every hour. The hour starts when the baby BEGINS feeding, so really, you may only get a 30 minute break from breastfeeding. This is important for your recovery as well as it will force you to take frequent breaks.
Nursing is hard initially, but becomes so much easier after 6 weeks to 3 months.
Regarding feelings for your SS, that's normal and I felt it too. I just tried to keep telling myself that it was me and I tried to concentrate on my precious baby girl who needed me. Good luck to you.
Breathe. Supplement and
Breathe. Supplement and trust. Congratulations on your lovely little one.
Don't fuss about the step stuff if you can help it. None of us have had picture perfect first weeks, but what a great time in your life.
This is excellent advice and
This is excellent advice and you can ask your Dr for eglonyl. If you're stressed or feeling anxious (children with a new baby will do that) this helps take the edge off as well. When my milk supply started to slow down I did exactly what baby says and I went on eglonyl. It made all the difference.
Also add supplements for yourself. Look for the recipe for breastfeeding cookies which is a natural way to boost milk. Similac mom is a well known one.
(hugs) you're doing great!
Congratulations! I don't
Congratulations!
I don't have kids yet so I can't give you advice in the nursing area, but I do know that I fear SS13 coming over right away once we have our first baby. I imagine what you wrote was me coming here and writing a year from now. I really feel for you.
I think it's normal, who on earth would want to be breastfeeding for the first time with a teenage boy lurking around the house. How miserable!! I'll be there with you I am sure. I would love to ask for SS not be there for just one weekend, but gosh that could backfire too if BM decides to be a bitch as usual. I can see it now, "ohhhh new baby replacing ss13, ohhhh SM Lintini wants to have just HER family, blah blah blah." Not to mention it takes 7+ hours to get SS13, so long husband! See ya half a day later!
You'll be okay, enjoy your new baby!!!!!!!!
Because if a mother truly
Because if a mother truly desires to breastfeed she does not need to hear about how she doesn't need to do it and there's always formula. Everyone knows there's formula and it is available. She needs support saying you can do it and everything you are experiencing is normal and it will get better. That way she can accomplish her goal which she obviously set up for herself or she would have been using formula from the get go. No one said formula is poison. But if she wants to breastfeed, she needs support and from my experience there is not a lot of support out there. No one is telling her, this is all normal, you don't need to supplement. And it will get better. You can do it. Not who cares, formula isn't poison, give up.
I agree with you to an
I agree with you to an extent! Have you experienced bringing home your 1st baby while also having a SS or SD at home? I went through it 2 years ago and it is hard and frustrating and scary and all new. I don't think that she should be cutting DH any slack. He needs to respect her as his wife and follow through with her wishes. I agree that if they shared an older child that child would still need attention/management, etc. BUT they don't- they do not share an older child so that situation isn't relevant. It's apples and oranges (I say this because my H used to say that crap to me! lol) Being a 1st time mother compared to already having a child are 2 different experiences. The SS does need to spend time with the baby but the 1st weekend or even the first few weekends that the baby is home and she is recouping from surgery won't hinder a lifetime that the SS has to bond with the baby. Mom and baby are 1st and foremost on the list of importance at this moment. (Sorry if I sound bitchy- I have just literally sat in these exact shoes and it is FRUSTRATING when you feel like no one is backing you or understands where you are coming from!)