Feeling a little hopless
This morning in my desperation to find someone in the world who may be feeling the way I do I stumbled across this site. FINALLY women, who understand how I am feeling.
After another HUGE fight with my fiance over what seems when I repeat it back to myself to seem so ridiculous, immature and jealous about my 5 year old step daughter. I am engaged to be marreid in January and I am at a point where Im not sure if I can survive. I constantly feel alone, I feel like I am second place and feel in competition with a 5 year old. And i hate how ridiiculous I feel. Last night as I stood to the side while my fiance held his daughter and watched the 4th of july fireworks - i have never felt lonelier. I never expected to meet the man i wanted to marry and feel so neglected and lonely. I am from another country so I moved here to be with him, and ever since i feel like my life completely revolves around his "little family" I resent the fact he has a child, and although he tries to make me feel comfortable, when I feel this way I want to turn and run and never look back. I love him but I dont know if im built to handle this and its not fair on me or them? I love him but I feel like I will neverfeel ok. I am 24 I have no kids and my life has changed so much Will it get better when we have kids? and there is some attention on that family? our relationship? my mother in law couldnt care any less about my wedding, our relationship and this should be an exciting time - but its all about my SD. Does it get better? Do I just need to grow up and stop being over sensitive?
Confused.
No! You are correct and not
No! You are correct and not alone in your feelings! I am sorry you are alone and dealing with all this right now!!!! ((HUGS))
If it is like this now, I am
If it is like this now, I am sorry but it will just get worse as she get older. You need to decide if you are willing to take a backseat to the SD. I no longer put up with it, but it has taken its toll on my marriage and SD no longer lives with us. If I had to do it again, I wouldn't. If you don't stop the guilty daddy stuff now, it gets worse. Also, if you feel this way about the child now, you will also start treating her badly. I actually liked my SD when we got involved, but now can't stand her. It would have been worse for me if I never even liked the girl.
But I do like her. Its just
But I do like her. Its just so new for me. When its just her and I, I am ok. I like hanging out with her. She likes me alot, always wants to be around me. Its just when the three of us are together, sometimes I feel sad. That she isnt mine. That he has had something that special before me. That my experiences are secondary to the ones he has already had. I feel like I get in my own head and make things so hard. I dont know what to do. I dont want to end up dislikig her or treating her badly.
How do you know longer put up with it? Did you leave?
Vermeulk, Thank you so much
Vermeulk,
Thank you so much for your response. Its just nice not to feel like a villan for the way Im feeling sometimes. I already have so much guilt for the way I feel sometimes and it eases that to know I am not crazy or a monster for being overwhelmed. I am very happy I found this site and I think I will use this to release some of my stress and tension on the topic not always my fiance. Sometimes just talking about it makes me feel better.
Im not at a point where I want to leave the relationship I just need to find ways to cope and hope that thigns will get easier for me and the feelings I am expereincing will become bareable as I mature within our relationship. I want us to grow into a family and have a bond, not snap my fingers and be there and I feel like thats the pressure I have. Everyone wants me to feel 100% ok, right now!
I think allowing them to spend quality time together without me will help greatly. Because one I wont be longing to get a cuddle (ill be getting my nails done) but then it allows her to have daddy time too. Eliminating the battle for attention for a little while.
Thanks everyone for the comments and support
No offense, but stating that
No offense, but stating that children should come first is bullshit. Spouses **should** come first. They often don't, but that's the reality that has been propagated in our society, and it's flat-out wrong. If the spouses put each other first, they would be able to put forth a united front. This would ultimately help the kids develop properly, since there would be structures and boundaries.
Unfortunately, there are many guilty mommys and daddys out there that don't think twice about shitting on their spouse in order to please the child. My DW still does this sometimes, but has gotten a little better over the years. However, it has caused me to build up a tremendous amount of resentment over the years, both for DW and SD17. The main thing that keeps me going is that her daughter will be out of the house in a few years, and will NOT be coming back. I have made it VERY clear to DW that I will not be supporting her adult children - ever.
I think it all depends on the
I think it all depends on the parent's definition of "coming first". Early in our relationship, my SO said his kids come first. I thought to myself that was fine because the health, welfare, and safety of my kids come first also. But what he wound up doing was putting her every want and whim first, thinking he was making up for whatever wrongs she experienced from the BM or their divorce.
Finally (when I was about to call it quits) we discussed what "coming first" means. I explained I thought it meant the kids' health, welfare, and safety, not letting them get their way on every thing and intruding/interrupting, and not spoiling them (not necessarily meaning buying things, but just letting them act bratty and entitled). Fortunately he did have a light bulb go off and agrees, in theory at least.
We also discussed that our relationship had to be a priority also. Not above or below his kids, just a separate priority. This part has made our relationship quite a bit better.
We still have our ups and downs, and he slips on the guilty parenting often, but at least we have this fundamental agreement we can refer back to when the going gets tough.