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EX ettiquette...

luchay's picture

Hi all, just a quick question.

My ex husbands mother passed away early Friday morning.

They live in another state.

Ex has moved on, lives with his fiancé and we all get along reasonably well (apart from me being pissy that he stopped paying CS LOL)

I am going to fly over there with my dd's so they can attend the funeral.

The funeral is being held an hour and a half away from where ex lives, and there will be a wake afterwards.

They (ex and fiancé) have invited me to stay the night with them and attend the funeral with them.

I am not comfortable with this. If the funeral was in the town they live (where I used to live until 18 months ago when I moved in with OH) then I would just attend the funeral, sit in the back and be unobtrusive and not go to the wake. My dd's want me to go.

I just don't think it would be appropriate.

(Oh, I have made plans to spend the night at a friends house, she has invited over a bunch of other friends so it will be lovely to catch up with all my friends - I won't be staying with the ex etc LOL)

I thanked them for inviting me but said I thought it would be best for me to stay at ***'s and not attend, but my dd10 especially really wants me to go.

I am doing the right thing aren't I?

Oh (again) MIL used to live with OH and I for the last 5 years of our marriage, she was my MIL for 10 years, and we were reasonably close. As I said, if I could just attend the funeral I would do that to pay my respects but I can't because of where it all is.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I think given the age of at least one of your daughters (10) you should be there for them. I think it is important. You are the parent they live with, they may just need you at this time. If it were me, I'd be there. Funerals are not great places to go, as i said, your kids may very well NEED you there, not just want you there. Go for your daughters sake.

luchay's picture

I think he is kind of thinking the same as you EBU - he texted me 4 times now telling me it's ok for me to be there!!!

I just don't want to step on his or his fiancé's toes, or make his family feel awkward.

I don't know.

I'll play it by ear I guess when we fly in, see how the girls are and decide on the day.

neverbeenhereb4's picture

Good luck. That sounds tricky. Maybe he should be the one comforting her but if they live far and are not as close to your d, then I agree, she may need you there

jumanji's picture

I think it would actually make sense for you to be there, in case the kids need you. Dad is grieving, and may or may not be in an emotional place to comfort the girls if needed.

Now, I do agree with you wrt staying with them - I wouldn't do that, either...

Relle's picture

I think you did the right thing by politely declining their invite to stay, but I think you should go to the funeral. Not only for yourself, as you were once close to this lady, but for your DD. Your ex may be so caught up in his own emotions on the day (after all, it is his mother) that he inadvertently forgets to attend to your DDs emotional needs.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Exactly my point. He is burying his mother. He may not be in a place to deal with the emotional needs of his daughters. For the kids sake I'd definitely go. As for stepping on toes. You don't sound like the type. I'm sure he did nit invite you without consulting his fiancé.

Staying with them would be awkward, but if you cannot put yourself up at a motel for the night, this may be your only option.

I'm sure you will make the right decision. In your heart you know where you should be. You were once very close to this woman. You have a right to be there, and your daughters want you there as they say a final goodbye to their grandmother. I doubt the fiancé is going to be an issue, who knows you may end up being one of the lucky few that can get along with your daughters soon to be stepmother. Pretty cool

luchay's picture


Well, the funeral was yesterday, we flew in early. Ex H picked us up and dropped me at my friends, he and the kids were ok.

I didn't attend the funeral. We talked a little on the drive and he thanked me for what I had done for his mother while she lived with us, and told me that she had appreciated it as had the rest of his family, they had all acknowledged that I made her life better and easier as she would have gone into a nursing home many years earlier than she had if I hadn't of taken her in to our home and looked after her.

He said they really were ok with me going but understood my reasons for not. I said the girls were coping, and if he thought he needed me there to take care of them I would but that I thought he and SM would be able to cope. He agreed that he was ok, and SM gets along well with the girls, so there was no need for me to be there.

I had a lovely evening catching up with my old "book club" friends (read wine and chatting night) This morning he picked me up and drove us to the airport, which was fogged in, so two of his brothers and a nephew were also there waiting to fly out. We all spent about 3 hours together waiting for the fog to lift, they were all very nice - friendly etc. So it was all ok.

He also made me a disc of the slide-show used and of the service which was filmed, so that was nice of him.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Glad it all worked out well for you. It doesn't sound as if you are going to have too many dramas in your situation. Seems they have all fiancé included been very respectful towards you.