BM's how would you respond to this from your kids SM
Hmmm - not sure I should respond at all.
I think she sent this with the best intentions but I am so upset and offended by it.
My ex and his GF (now fiancé) have been together coming up 2 years this June. She met the kids in about Sept of that year. For 4 months they had every second weekend - Saturday night and all day Sunday.
Since we moved states they have had a week and a half every term break - so 3 x last year, 3 weeks over summer and 9 days at Easter.
Fiance has no children and is 43.
She sent me a message saying how glad she is to have my dd's in her life and she loves them like they are her own.
No honey. You do not. I am sorry but no matter how well you may get along and what affection you may feel for them it is NOT the same as a mothers love.
You have spent really minimal time with my children, you didn't carry them and push them out of your body, you didn't do the lack of sleep to feed them when they were babies, you didn't raise them, you haven't nurtured them and cleaned them them when they are ill, you didn't spend 2 weeks with ydd in hospital when she was 2 watching her have test after test, holding her and calming her screams when they performed lumbar punctures; MRI's and tensilon tests, you haven't been with dd10 for the 5 surgeries she has had on her ears, holding her when she awakes crying and disoriented, taken her to every Dr.s appt (neither has her father) you haven't taught them or cared for them when they have fought with friends or been bullied at school, you haven't watched with pride as they dance (yes, telling those around you "THAT'S MY DAUGHTER!" lol) you haven't had the responsibilities or many of the joys of being their mother.
Please do not dishonour MY relationship with my daughters by claiming to feel the same sort of love for them that I have.
Ok. Now am I being silly and jealous LOL I am glad she cares and they have good relationships.
I know. I do see that. But
I know. I do see that. But wow, you know?
I guess as she doesn't have kids of her own she doesn't quite realise how that is wrong...
And I want to respond positively, as I do like her, she is funny and great with my kids, and I think she is way better for ex than I was LOL - but I am struggling to come up with anything other than F*ck no you don't!!!!
I am laughing a little at the magnitude of my reaction.
I don't think it is that she
I don't think it is that she doesn't have kids so she doesn't realize she is wrong.. I don't have my own kids but I know for sure I don't love SD like my own.. Actually, I don't love her at all.. I think in your case, your kid's SM was just trying to be nice and respectful but you are right, she doesn't love them like her own.. There is no way.
I'd likely have to digest it
I'd likely have to digest it for a bit, but would probably feel compelled to respond in some way. Probably with something like "I'm glad you have a good relationship."
Because she does not have
Because she does not have children I am sure that she does believe that she loves them as her own. And at her age it is unlikely that she will have her own.
She did not say I am as much a mother as you are - so forget about the comparisons about what you went thru that she didn't. I think it was a nice sentiment.
I know, to be clear - the
I know, to be clear - the what I went through stuff - wasn't about comparing her mothering to mine, it was saying she cannot possibly understand the magnitude of my feelings for those kids and compare her own to it - does that make sense? Oh I don't know - it makes sense to me LOL
And I am literally laughing out loud at the thought of having the audacity to send something like this to BM - she would launch WW3 if I dared to say something like this to her (not that I would - I can barely stand the skids
)
yes, I know. I do believe it
And I do get along well with her, I did text her while they were there at Easter to say thank you for being such a great step mum to them LOL
I KNOW it's silly....
Milhouse, I feel for you I really do, I don't know what else to say.
Milhouse, your post really
Milhouse, your post really spoke to me... so much so that I had thought I might have written it. I myself am in a very similar situation where I am debating how long I stick it out with the maybe's and possibilities of a future where I get to have a child of my own. Also your advise is precisely what I would have given. We too share custody 50/50 with my SS4 and SS6 and I have been around since SS4 was a year and half. I have helped raise these boys and love them with all my heart. I would never presume to tell their BM that I love them like my own... but I also think I do in many ways come pretty damn close. We are the ones who take them for haircuts. It was me who made sure at 3 and 5, that the boys finally saw a dentist (one I had found), it is me and their father that researches and enrolls them in 90% of their activities... Karate, Swimming, Baseball, yoga... with little support from their BM, except her agreement to cover half (or on some instances all of it, if she is unwilling to take them/pay on her days)... I am the one they call out to in the middle of the night when they are sick, or have an accident... I am the one who cuts their nails, cleans their ears... taught them how to brush their teeth. Last summer SS4 had a complete meltdown on a sidewalk next to a busy city street with BM and she had to call us to deal with it... it wasn't BD who he would talk to... it was me! I love those kids and am proud to know they love me and in some sense, yes they are definitely my children and I do hope that they learn what they can from me that neither of their parents might be able to offer... and I want my own child because I am under no delusion that my love for their children is going to be anything compared with what I would feel for my own child. Also, please keep in mind that despite years of BM hating me and putting me down, I still have never disrespected her or tried to steal her place - why would I, she is their mother... there is no competition there and I pity the Steps that go into their new families needing to feel like their is. I might not like the woman, but I don't need to be hostile either and at the end of the day, and now that her hate phase has for the most part ended, we can enjoy a decent co-existence. We might never be friends and we might not even like each other, but for better or worse... and for as long as I am in this relationship, she is my ex-wife too and that is my cross to bear.
Good luck with your situation Milhouse, and trust me when I say I feel your pain - I still don't know what I am doing.
No - not lecture-y at all! I
No - not lecture-y at all!
I think I just need some time before I reply, but that feels rude!! LOL
As I said I think I am a little shocked at how strong my reaction was, I just NEED to be told!
Ahhh it's only lunchtime here, so no wine... (only whine)
Yes, but I don't actually
Yes, but I don't actually think "thank you" is enough.
Her message was a genuine attempt to be nice - I know that.
and I want to come up with something that acknowledges that and is sincere but I am still stuck with how it upset me LOL
I actually suggest that you
I actually suggest that you say this too her in some fashion. I am not a mother, but I can relate to loving my skids like mad and on many levels I can say that they are also mine too. Not my children by birth, but my children by choice and that can also be wonderful. I can certainly understand why their BM might feel threatened by that relationship. BM & SM is such an awkward relationship to begin with and sometimes it is hard to recognize where the boundaries are. It won't make you a bad person to tell her where your boundaries are. As you said this woman doesn't have children of her own and can in no way understand what that means and how distasteful her message was received. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her... nicely of course: "Firstly, I wanted to say how wonderful it is that you care for my children. Not every extended-family is like this and I am grateful that you have a positive relationship with my children, as in some way they are yours as well. Secondly, I know you might not have meant to insult me with your message in any way shape or form, however I must confess I initially reacted negatively to it. It stung a little to hear that a stranger to me can say that they love my children like their own. My initial reaction, felt like your message was a bit of a slap in the face to me, their mother and I thought how dare this woman compare herself to me and my relationship with my daughters. After thinking on it, I realized that your comments were not really about me at all but simply about you and how you feel close to my girls. I am thankful that you care about them and actually appreciate that you told me in your own way."
It is kind of a nice way of saying, thank you for caring and telling me... but piss off I am their mom and you crossed a line... but still glad you care.
LOL - thank you for that! I
LOL - thank you for that!
I don't want to offend her at all, and I know that my reaction is *my* issue so I don't want to put that on her or make her question or second guess anything she does when she is with them - that's why I want to make sure my response shows none of how I felt.
I am glad she loves them, and I do want her to continue to develop a great relationship with them, as many here have said the more the merrier (apart from strangers....
) My response was because of stuff going on with me and I feel very strongly that it should not be allowed to influence her r'ship with the girls.
Shit, the tropical fish in my
Shit, the tropical fish in my fish tank are far superior to SD14!!!
Yessss! My beagle tops SD any
Yessss! My beagle tops SD any day!
No one is saying she can't
No one is saying she can't love them. And I didn't trash their world, that is really rude!
But do you really think it is appropriate, no matter how well you get along and how much feeling you have for them to tell their mother that your love for them is the same as hers? Seriously?
The point is I have a lifetime of biology and shared experience wrapped up in my love for my children. She really barely knows them.
I have a good relationship with her, and she has a great relationship with my children. But I did react strongly to being told she feels that way.
Whatever your issues are with your skids and their BM please do not project them on to me. I do not expect her to be a wallet, or a nanny or a housekeeper. At the moment her fiancé (yes my ex) pays NO CS, because he is out of work. They still live very well due to her well paying job, and that is lovely for them. But I do not for a second expect her to put her hand in her pocket to help support my children, and nor has she offered. *I* support my children along with MY OH their Stepdad. IF she chooses to look after them when they are with my ex it is because she likes spending time with them and that is an arrangement she makes with her OH - nothing to do with me or my expectations. I do not expect her to clean for them or cook for them or do anything for them that she does not feel inclined to do.
Ok, sorry, I guess I am still
Ok, sorry, I guess I am still a little upset LOL
The thing is I am glad she loves them, I want them all to have great relationships - I want what is best for my kids.
I am so sorry that you are having a hard time, but I can tell you with absolute certainty (as a skid myself) one day your kids will appreciate you and love you as much as you love them.
It may not seem like it now but as long as you put in the hard yards (and it seems you are) then they WILL get it one day - it took me a long time to realise about my sdad (the step mum was another issue I have to say - loony tunes, she's locked up now)
But now - my stepdad has been in my life for 30 years, and I love him - I guess like a favourite uncle
This is an arguement that we
This is an arguement that we as Sparents can never win regardless of the superiority of our argument, logic, parental performance, etc... It is like arguing religious faith with a zelot. It is not worth your breath to even try.
What many BPs mistake as a superior feeling or parental status is nothing more than a bioligical function. Parenting has nothing to do with biogy and everthing to do with action.
Often people who are found wanting in the actions of parenting fall back to the biological arguement that they are the kids only real mother/father, that a Sparent could never love the kids as much as the bioparent does, blah, blah, blah.. Once they do that, the StepParent has by default actually won the debate though the bioparent rarely will rarely realize it and even more rarely recognize it.
All that is needed to win this one is to ask the BP ... then how do you explain the feelings that an adoptive parent has for their kids? Hmmmmmmm? Wellll?
Re the adoptive parents thing
Re the adoptive parents thing - LOL - that is exactly what I was telling myself yesterday when I was berating myself for over-reacting!!
I think I guess what I came up with is when you adopt a child you wholeheartedly take on the role of that childs parent - it's a mindset you have to even enter the process IYKWIM? You take on the whole thing, you want that child, and from day dot you are the parent, you are there all the time doing all that needs doing and there is NOT a parent already in that role? You have wished for it and wanted it with all your heart and soul probably for a long time.
It's not the same as a fairly new SM who has seen the kids maybe 100 days (being generous - actually likely to be a bit less) and never really parented?
Also, it's kind of offensive to just assume that because I am the BM in this situation that I am lacking as a parent. I AM the only parent these kids have had for most of their lives. I am the one who has been there and done it all - even when their father and I were still together he didn't take an active parent role, he was more likely to yell and smack and banish them from his presence, he did his own thing. He has become a more hands on parent only since I left - I think partly because he has realised what he lost (ok, the optimist in me would like it to be that) but there is also the fact that he only has them for short holiday bursts now so he has fun with them then sends them home and gets on with doing what he wants to do.
I do feel that it is wrong of her to assume that after so few days with my children she can tell their mother that she loves them like they are her own. Sorry.
No - I know she does and I
No - I know she does and I know her intent was good, I want my reply to honour her intent and not my feelings if that makes sense?
I do not want her to ever know I was upset about it, I just want to reply in a way that appreciates the intent.
I don't think "thank you" is enough for that.
mmm - maybe you haven't read
mmm - maybe you haven't read all my posts on this thread?
I did already say to her (when the girls were there at Easter) that I am glad they have her blah blah blah.
We get along very well and I am more than happy she is in there lives, I honestly feel that she has made my OH step up and be a better parent (or maybe that is because he only sees them for a week or so every few months - he did find fulltime parenting a challenge as he is very selfish and wants his own time and money and was never all that bothered about spending time or money on his kids)
TBH justsotired, I have NO bitterness towards either of them. I do however believe that her message was perhaps lacking in tact?
I seriously cannot fathom how my reaction to this makes you think I am like some of the BM's on here? That's probably the most offensive post I have read in a long time, but I thank you for your two cents worth.
Oh I have no intention of her
Oh I have no intention of her EVER knowing! I know I am being silly for being upset by it, and I know she is great, and I do like her LOL
I think she meant well. Id
I think she meant well. Id try to just realize that your kids know your their true Momma & their love for you is that way as well. Just a thought-- but alot of the garbage advice columns & articles truly do give off that bs that you should love your stepkids the same as your own. So, with that in mind-I think shes trying to tell you she loves them & that is soooo sweet in my opinion. Now- of course we stepmoms with biod know--- thats so not the truth. While I Do love my skids- its not the same as my love for my DD8!! It just isnt.
Try to be happy that you truly lucked out here!!! You got the good kind of Stepmom-to-be!! Your kids will also benefit from this greatly. I do-however- get how it could rub you the wrong way. But I think it was meant in her sincerety!!
& remember: this too shall pass.
LOL - I know. I am honestly
LOL - I know. I am honestly laughing at myself for my over-reaction!
I even think it was her way of responding to the message I sent at easter telling her how glad I was they had her in their lives, and that I appreciate all she does for them etc. So I know it is silly of me to feel this way!!!
Sigh. OK, here we go
Sigh. OK, here we go again.
Just Wow - totally agree with your user name. Did you read all the posts or just the OP and then decide to jump right in and vent your spleen at me?
As I have said (a few times now...) I have no problem with her loving my kids - it is great that she does and I have expressed to her how thankful I am that she is in their live....
I am NOT a bad parent, I do not PAS my kids - quite the opposite in fact.
I do not hate my ex, I question some of his life choices, and decisions but I do not hate him and have spent no time creating drama, and have not in any way psychologically destroyed my children.
It is pretty obvious from all of my posts that I am a hands on mother so to suggest otherwise is quite frankly offensive.
I do find the suggestion that I should be happy to let a "stranger" love my children a little odd. I am more than happy that their SM loves them, just as I am happy that all of their extended family do. Strangers - not so much?
As a SM who does deal with a nutty BM I do get your last sentence, but feel that it does not really apply in this case - as you would know if you had bothered to read and comprehend my posts and replies to others already in this thread.
It's funny, there are a few facts I have not shared, and I am sure they colour my reaction to the message that I received, I wonder how tactless you would find her if you knew them.
Oh well. As I said to another poster, please do not project YOUR BM/SM issues onto my situation as I do not think they are they same.
I am sorry you have gone
I am sorry you have gone through this, I am also very happy to say that my kids SM is not experiencing this.
She has been welcomed into this family wholeheartedly and without question.
My kids love her too. She has been in my home for birthdays, Christmas, dance concerts, and if I EVER heard that my kids were rude or horrible to her she wouldn't have to worry about my ex defending her - my kids would be told by ME that they are so out of line, and they would have consequences.
My family like her, his family like her - so really as a SM she has it made LOL
as I said, perhaps if you had
as I said, perhaps if you had read ALL my posts on this thread your reaction may have been different.
I am NOT the BM you describe, and to imply otherwise just because YOU have issues is kinda rude I feel.
I have no idea what your states laws are re strangers, so I can only respond with what I know, and that is that asking me to let strangers love my kids is weird.
Whatever, you don't know me, you didn't read everything and therefore your attack is water off a ducks back from now on.
Perhaps if you had read on you would have realised that I did think her message WAS in reply to me telling her I think she is great and I am glad my kids have her... but no, don't bother to read that bit honey, kinda takes the sting out of it really.
Rant? Thank you for your
Rant?
Thank you for your unbiased opinion.
I can get mad about it actually - just as you are free to come along and comment and judge without really taking the time to understand my feelings
So, have a nice day.
Now see, that's just
Now see, that's just nuts!!
You didn't birth them! I want my EH's girlfriend (maybe future SM) to love my children how _she_ is able. I expect my kids to respect her, because she is an adult and kind and ______. But, I don't expect her to love them like I do.
Kate
Oh dear Lord, I AM HAPPY SHE
Oh dear Lord,
I AM HAPPY SHE LOVES THEM. AS I HAVE STATED MANY TIMES
The problem I feel is that it IS wrong of her to tell their hands on full time mother that she loves them like they are her own.
I know, yes - you have it
I know, yes - you have it exactly.
I just am struggling with what to say back, because I know she had the best of intentions when she wrote it.
I get that I am lucky and she is lucky and my kids are lucky (and even the ex - he is the bloody luckiest of us all!!!)
I am just struggling with my inner - "no you freaking don't" and can't find the right words to say thanks - that's all
I think this is about a
I think this is about a choice. Your choice. You can accept it at face value and interpret it as she intends to love them like she feels a biomom loves their children.
Or you can choose to view it as she is manipulating and insulting you.
I would have to say that I believe she intended it in the first way and not the second. She very likely does not even know about all of the things you mentioned you have gone through with your daughters and could not possibly have the same level of understanding, investment and connection that you have with your children. She likely is trying to let you know and communicate that she understands that you may have concerns and that she will love and do what she thinks is the right thing in her role as SM to your DDs.
If I were a BP I would hope that any Sparent that my kids would have would want to love them like my kids where the Sparents biokids.
I have no BKs but I have been dad to my SS-20 since he was 1yo. I have loved him like he is my own, I have raised him as my own .... because he is my own. Of course my situation is notably different than yours and different than your X's future wife. Hopefully your blended family situation will be a good one.
For your X's DF your DDs will be her kids. Yes, they are StepKids but her's none the less. Her relationship with them will be different than yours. She can not replace you. Hopefully she will be a trusted adult who loves your DDs and will care for them intensly. Your DDs will likely take their cues on their future SM from you. Keep that in mind as you make your choice on this issue.
Of course you should remain wary just in case.
Trust but verify is always a good perspective to have in just about any situation. Particularly in a BlendedFamily situation.
All IMHO of course.
Sincerely,
Oh Rags, I do absolutely
Oh Rags, I do absolutely accept it at face value - I know in my heart she had the best intentions.
It's not at all that I am jealous or insecure (well obviously subconsciously I do have something going on because I DID react and it shocked the pants off me I have to say)
I was PAS'd by my mother when my father left her for another woman, and so I have gone out of my way to ensure that I do not in any way negatively affect my daughters relationships with their father or his fiancé, I go out of my way in fact to encourage them.
I agree Hypo - "I don't
I agree Hypo - "I don't understand how a person can "let" or not let another person feel something. I also don't understand trying to define another person's feelings."
OP-
granted, she may have put her foot in her mouth by saying how she felt to the wrong person or in a tactless way. BUT she doesnt have kids, she's just expressing how much she loves them- it sounds like she's trying to relate that to all the warm fuzzy feelings she thinks she may have had she had her own kids.
i'd let it go, luchay, she (and likewise myself) has no reference point regarding this. it sounds like they only see her 4x a year. Feel good and proud that u're raising such loveable kids- maybe those thoughts will overwhelm the defensive overreaction (u called it that!) that's rearing it's head...
As far as a response, if she feels any animosity from you it may translate to her treatment of them during their next visit, so IMHO i would just respond "aw that's sweet." and let it be. Everyone has good qualities and bad qualities. If her lack of tact is the worst of it so far, i'd ignore it and fill my head with happier thoughts. BUT that's just me, i'm not a BM so u can take it or leave it
"As far as a response, if she
"As far as a response, if she feels any animosity from you it may translate to her treatment of them during their next visit"
Thank you you nailed it.
Yes - I have repeatedly said I know my reaction is silly, and that is the problem, I DON'T want that reaction to cloud my response as I know she loves them, tactless as I found her comment LOL
I want to continue to foster that relationship and I want to reply appropriately and I am having trouble coming up with something other than "thanks" which I don't think is actually enough!!!!!
No - I don't think she is the
No - I don't think she is the enemy, and I am not on my high horse,
I just want to find the right words to reply without my gut reaction clouding it....
Because I do get that her intentions were pure, and I want my response to be the same, and I know that at the moment (yes even now LOL - silly!) I am NOT able to come up with something that sounds right.
I think we see offense where
I think we see offense where we want to see offense. I think we claim territory and get mad when we think it's our right. I think we all get very afraid that we're going to lose something.
It's like when someone says "I like the color of your coat" but they didn't say they liked the coat specifically. Instead of saying thank you, we ask "Oh you mean you don't like the coat itself?" It's like we go looking for faults, for insults, for accusations.
Whoever said more people to love you is right. Kids are people. Not territory. When we step back and look at allowing people to love them (assuming they're not bad or horrible people), our kids are probably better for it.
My son has my mother, my father, my step-father, my step-mother, his paternal grandmother, his paternal grandfather, my ex-mil & fil, my ex husband and his fiance, his dads and his dads fiance, myself and my SO to love him. He's the luckiest boy I know. EVERYONE of them (no matter how nutty nut nuts they used to be) love him like he's their own. usually don't have to hear his lippy mouth - but they love him and if they told me that they loved him like their own, I'd be ok with it.
I agree with Crazy_in_Ohio.
I agree with Crazy_in_Ohio.
I get what you are saying,
I get what you are saying, and I am more than thrilled that she loves my girls - and that she has been the cause of their father stepping up and being a better father.
I just wanted help with finding a decent reply that wasn't coloured by my over-reaction LOL
"She sent me a message saying
"She sent me a message saying how glad she is to have my dd's in her life and she loves them like they are her own."
Was there more to this message than this? Because I see NO WHERE in this message that she is in any way comparing her love for them to YOUR love for them.
Are you seriously worried that she may love them as much as you do? These are HER feelings not yours. You cannot dictate to another person what they feel.
Why do you keep making this a comparison of what she feels compared to your feelings? I don't think she went down that path from what you have posted.
She probably loves them AS MUCH AS SHE IS ABLE TO - and not having children she does not realize that there might be more. Wouldn't you have been more offended if she said "I love them very much but of course not as much as I would love my own children". I'd take that to be a jab at your kids being not as good as any she would have.
Sigh, just wanted help
Sigh, just wanted help formulating a reply that wasn't coloured by my gut reaction.
LOL
Would you have preferred she
Would you have preferred she say, "I like your children the same as I like any other children I didn't give birth to"?
I agree with you, that your reaction is silly.
As a childless stepmom, I have to tell you, your attitude toward her comment stings. Particularily this paragraph:
"You didn't carry them and push them out of your body, you didn't do the lack of sleep to feed them when they were babies, you didn't raise them, you haven't nurtured them and cleaned them them when they are ill, you didn't spend 2 weeks with ydd in hospital when she was 2 watching her have test after test, holding her and calming her screams when they performed lumbar punctures; MRI's and tensilon tests, you haven't been with dd10 for the 5 surgeries she has had on her ears, holding her when she awakes crying and disoriented, taken her to every Dr.s appt (neither has her father) you haven't taught them or cared for them when they have fought with friends or been bullied at school, you haven't watched with pride as they dance (yes, telling those around you "THAT'S MY DAUGHTER!" lol) you haven't had the responsibilities or many of the joys of being their mother."
Perhaps she didn't do those things. She didn't have the opportunity to do those things. That isn't to say she doesn't love your kids enough to have been willing & happy to do those things if the opportunity were presented.
Loving a child as your own doesn't require carrying them or pushing them out of your body. If that were the case, people wouldn't go through the efforts & heartache required to adopt children that they neither carried or pushed out of their bodies.
Certainly you have done the things expected of a mother for your children. Who's to say she wouldn't be more than happy to do those same motherly things for YOUR children should they need her to?
She isn't dishonoring your relationship. Who are you to determine how much, or in what way she loves anybody? Your taking offense to something where none is intended.
Do you think it is something
Do you think it is something you should say to the mother of said children?
I am glad she loves them, her intentions were pure I have said that also.
I just wanted help formulating a reply that wasn't coloured by my over-reaction. I cannot help what my gut reaction was, there are reasons for it which I do not feel I want to explain on here, only one person on ST knows the reality of why this would upset me, but it's ok; the fact is *I* know why my gut reaction was to be upset, but I don't want that to come across in my response.
This is exactly it. The
This is exactly it. The sentiments I expressed in my other responses were not necessarily specific to this OP, but to the situation in general.
If great mothers and dedicated BMs who WANT to work with their kids' SM to build a positive relationship and bright future still feel this way and have this reaction .. what hope is there for those of us with combative and crazy BMs?
I understand it's no one's fault that I don't have kids. I do want to have kids, and will one day. But none of that should dictate the level to which I love my skids, or subject me to criticism for expressing it. But it will. And THAT sucks.
Yes, I get that which is why
Yes, I get that which is why I do not want her to ever know that I was upset by her comment, I want my reply to be pure and free from upset.
That is why I asked for help coming up with one.
Okay, so I'm a mom and a
Okay, so I'm a mom and a daughter and a step-daughter and a future BM to some future step-mom and a girlfriend....but not yet a step-mom--not sure I'm going there.
I honestly believe that my child can not have too many people who love her/him.
If your children's step-mom-to-be feels love for your daughters, Great!!! She can love them all she wants!! Encourage that. Encourage your daughters to respect her and maybe even become friends with her and maybe even find their own way to love her. She isn't going to be their mom, but she might be their step-mom.
I have had several step-moms. My father is a serial adulterer, so he keeps getting divorced and remarried. I had a great step-mom. Then a _horrid_ step-mom; we are talking emotional abuse. Then an okay step-mom (she wasn't ready for a teenager when she was only 23).
Be glad that this woman loves your daughters.
Kate
"I've never ascribed to the
"I've never ascribed to the idea that the more people that love the kids, the better off they are. It has always felt like a veiled rationalization to me to attempt to justify a parental split."
Can you explain what you mean by this? I certainly don't justify parental split and I know plenty of intact families who have lots of big family members who love them and are there for them. I don't see why blood is necessarily the requisite for love and caring.
Trying to do the best by our children is what I would think we all want; the situation has happened. There is no justification and nothing is going to change it.
What I normally see is that we're automatically defensive of another woman who is with our ex who can not possibly love our kids the way we do. So we get pissed when she steps out of line or says something we see as a slight to our motherhood ( I admit I've been subject to it once or two in those times when I'm feeling most vulernable and upset and someone has said something that has rankled my fur)
If this was our favorite uncles new wife whom we adored who said that to us - we'd say "Oh thank you, they love you too" and go on about our business.
Don't want to start an argument, just a discussion because I see it a little differently.
Fair enough. My uncles new
Fair enough. My uncles new wife did tack on the line that she loved my son like her own. I thought it was sweet. That's why I made that comment in my post because it did happen to me.
I don't advocate swapping partners; I advocate making the best out of a situation (parents not being together - not when the people are nutty nut nuts) that isn't going to change.
Thanks for the insight.
It's posts like this that
It's posts like this that just reiterate the point that even if us SMs had great relationships with our BMs, we'd still be viewed as less; our love and feelings less valuable and important to the skids.
Always second class. Apparently birthing children makes you love them more. That's great. But for us childless stepmoms who love these skids in our own way, it's just another reminder that we're not the mom. As if we didn't already know.
If it's not a competition,
If it's not a competition, then why do BMs feel so compelled to beat their chests and remind the SMs that they're not the mom? If it's not a threat for SMs to love these children "like their own", why do BMs get defensive and react?
I'm not trying to argue with you or change your mind. Children love who they want, regardless of how the adults in the situation feel about it. My skids love me, I love them. Millions of people adopt children every year who they love, despite never carrying them in a womb.
I have 2 nephews I helped raise from infancy when my sister was going through a rough period. I openly tell her and anyone else that those boys are "like my own kids". Is that wrong? Or is it only "wrong" in step situations? Or am I wrong, in general, because I don't have kids of my own so I just can't possibly understand what it's like to love another person's child more than life itself?
Posts of these nature just remind one to "know their place" and never voice too much affection to the wrong people. Knowing that BM feels like I could never love her kids like my own doesn't change the fact that I do.
No and NO and NO she can love
No and NO and NO
she can love them, I am very happy that she does.
I am not in any way attempting to stop her or tell her she can't.
In some situations, sure.
In some situations, sure. None of what you described is remotely close to my DH's situation with his ex-wife.
If she feels threatened by me as a mother because I'm a better wife than she was, that's on her. I can't be accountable for her screw ups.
Like I said, how she feels about me makes no difference in the way I feel about HER kids. She can beat her chest and get defensive and prance around like a 12 yo mean girl, but it doesn't change a damn thing about the love I have for the skids.
It's the fact that the world takes the initial impression that your statements are true .. that DH was a subpar father and husband before I came along. Or that I somehow stole him away from his "perfect" family. What gives anyone the right to make those assumptions or dictate the level of what I feel towards my own skids?
Ok, you helped raise them
Ok, you helped raise them these nephews, you have been involved actively in their lives? Adoptive parents are actually parenting, raising doing the hard yards, their full time and BEING the parent.
Seeing my kids a few weeks a year for fun holiday times is not parenting in my humble opinion.
But I do want her to love them and I am glad she does.
I do want to reply to this woman in a way that does not belittle or offend her in any way, which is why I asked for help with my response.
"stepmoms who love these
"stepmoms who love these skids in our own way,"
Love the last bit - not quite the same as saying to their mother that you love them like she does though is it?
I love that she loves them, I love that she has a great relationship with them. I love that they love her, and I am so pleased and proud that they are well-adjusted and respectful etc.
I have a great relationship with HER FFS, and I am extremely happy about that too.
I don't want to damage their relationships or mine so I want to reply in a way that appreciates what she was saying and is not tainted by HOW it made me feel.
sheesh!
not less, not second
not less,
not second class,
and well, sorry but it isn't my fault that you or my kids SM aren't mothers.
I don't see her as less than me. She is his new partner (and a better one for him than I was - just as my new partner is better for me than he was) Not less, just different.
She is not second class, second best - ok - the only second I guess she is is second wife (to be?) That is not less, just different.
She is not the mother. Sorry, it IS fact. I cannot change that - I would love for all childless women to be able to have that experience but it's beyond my control. I feel for her in ways you cannot imagine, I think being a mother is the greatest thing in my life, the feelings I have for these people I helped create, the responsibility OMG!! I would if I could have every woman in the world who wanted to know that feeling. But I can't. I cannot make her the mother of my children (well I could die - which is closer to reality than you realise) I'd really rather not thanks. The only way I can make her mother is to leave them myself and no thanks, I am fighting for all I am worth to be around to see my kids grow up.
So, she is the SM and I am the BM and we both have our places in their lives and in their hearts. For my children being BM and SM is not less or second place, it's just different.
I know (from personal experience) that being a SM is a thankless task, often maligned and abused. Which is why I make sure that my children know how lucky they are to have her a wonderful SM, why they know that I endorse her role in their lives wholeheartedly, and why at Easter I sent her a lovely message thanking her for being a wonderful SM to my children and how lucky I thought they were etc.
Do you post here at 2:00am?
Do you post here at 2:00am?
bit rude, I am not in the
bit rude, I am not in the same time zone as you.
You just made me very happy
You just made me very happy that I don't have a relationship with DH's kid. Thank you. Every once in a while I forget my place in the step-parenting world. You have once again reminded me why my opinion will never matter, since I've never pushed a grub from my girly bits.
My kids treat their SM with
My kids treat their SM with love and respect and friendship - anything less would not be tolerated by ME.
I am sorry that you are not treated the same way, I honestly do not understand BM's who do not teach their children well.
I am sorry you are dealing
I am sorry you are dealing with that - that is the BM in my life too (so as a SM I do get the replies on here)
See the problem is that I don't want to just say "thank you" I don't think it is enough. I want to do justice to what she was trying to express. I don't want how it made me feel to cloud my reply.
Everything that SMof2Girls
Everything that SMof2Girls said.
I think this SM and the BM
I think this SM and the BM who introduced herself to a SM at her kid's game are being treated the same way. Both women tried to extend an olive branch only to have the SM/BM question their actions.
In both cases the women are damned if they do and damned if they don't.
My first encounter with BM I
My first encounter with BM I extended the olive branch and almost got my arm taken off. And they'd been divorced for 20 years.
Pretty much. When I met BM
Pretty much.
When I met BM face to face for the first time, I had accepted HER invitation to do so; under the pretense of building a cordial, if not friendly relationship.
She snubbed me in front of DH and the skids and completely ignored me for the entire "ice cream date". Never again.
No, actually (haven't read
No, actually (haven't read the ball game thing) but I am assuming you think this is first contact and that I am being a bitch to her?
Not so.
WE have a great relationship, I have always welcomed her and invited her to my home for kids birthdays, Christmas etc, she is great, I like her very much.
I want to reply appropriately and NOT let my inner feeling show in my response, because I appreciate what she was trying to say even if I felt upset at what she did say.
I know, that is why I dont'
I know, that is why I dont' want her to know that it upset me, I just want to reply in a sincere way without my inner feeling coming out.
I don't want to say a mere "thank you" as that seems rude when what she has said was genuine and heartfelt (I am sure of that) I just am stuck because it DID upset me and I can't find the right words.
Oh the "thank you" was
Oh the "thank you" was because it has been suggested here that that is what I should reply - that doesn't feel right to me, and neither does not responding.
God it's all too hard sometimes LOL
I want to do the right thing and acknowledge her message - ignoring it sends the wrong message, thank you is wrong too.
I may just go back to bed I am not coping today.
Sorry, in tears now.
Thanks for all your replies, much appreciated.
I'd rather a bottle of
I'd rather a bottle of red.... but it's still only lunchtime here LOL Story of my life.
Oh it's all ok, I'm good. Just feeling it all today I think.
Keep smiling, head up, big girl panties on.
Skids coming for 5 days, oh I am SO ready for this...
LMAO - that could be
LMAO - that could be interesting...
Luchay, I never had kids of
Luchay, I never had kids of my own and I wouldn't want to say what that SM said to you. I understand why you're offended.
Dont feel bad about how you feel. I think that fiance overstepped, and it gave me the creeps when I read what she said. I would never want another woman saying that about my kids if I had my own, which I don't. And she only spent a few weeks a year with them, or minimal time, how in the world can she know how she feels about your kids based on that? I just think she sounded a little fake, but if she really is great with the kids and treats them respectfully, then at least your kids can benefit from that.
Now in response to the snide comments made by other posters on this blog about childless SMs:
Not having my own kids was the biggest disappointment of my life. But that doesn't mean I want to mother other people's kids. Never felt that way. I know for certain that I couldn't love someone else's kids as if they were my own, even though I don't have my own. Just because I'm childless doesn't mean I don't have insight and can't understand how BMs feel. I really do get it. I disagree with people that make comments that people without kids will never get this. It makes us sound clueless. And we're not necessarily. In fact there are plenty of BMs out there who are still clueless and I have more parenting ability in my pinky finger than some of these screw-up BMs discussed on this site have their entire lives.
And yes, I also disagree with the snide comments on here about childless people thinking their pets are the same as kids. A-duhhh. Yeah, I know that. I'm very attached to my dogs, but I don't think they're the same as kids. I don't claim to know exactly what it's like to raise a child, I haven't had that experience, but I'm not a complete dunce about the whole parenting thing.
Thanks, the thing is, SM's
Thanks, the thing is, SM's who do actually spend a lot of time with the skids, and do the parenting stuff - and especially the ones with custody who have been the mother figure, it IS totally different, but I'm betting that most of them wouldn't front up to the BM no matter how they get along and say that - it's just tactless.
But I do get that she had the best of intentions, just really bad timing apart from anything else.
I have to say, I love my pets WAY more than the skids.... }:)
Well, she isn't a "mom" like
Well, she isn't a "mom" like you are. She isn't even a very involved stepmom given how little she sees the kids. It was silly for her to say that she loves them like her own. But a lot of stepmoms the beginning, dive right in like that. I know I did, I thought that in order to be a good stepmom I HAD to love them like my own, I had to parent them, sacrifice for them, etc. I wanted to figure out my role in the family and I had no model for "stepmom" only for "mom" so I tried to emulate that role. I learned that there are other ways of belonging in a family, but it took time.
She's still learning and getting used to this whole thing. She'll learn that it's not the same. Maybe respond to her based on what you do have in common-- you're both stepmoms. And being a stepmom (even to wonderful kids with a wonderful BM like you) is HARD. So maybe just say: "thanks for putting in so much effort with the kids. Kids need and deserve all the love they can get and I'm grateful to hear that you care about them. As a stepmom myself I know it's sometimes complicated and challenging. I really appreciate the effort you're putting in here, the kids care about you too!"
She's not stepping on your toes or trying to negate your bond. She's just trying to figure out where she fits in and trying to connect with you....
thanks
thanks
Yes, I agree - that did
Yes, I agree - that did actually help me with my reply - it led me to think about the common ground LOL (apart from MY kids }:) Just kidding ok)
Whatever love she feels for
Whatever love she feels for your children does not determine or change or have any other effect on the love you feel for your children.
You can't possibly know what's in her heart. Even with bio-moms, one may love her children...as her own differently than another bio-mom loves her children...as her own.
It's an expression...a way to say, I love these kids with all my heart & will do everything I would be willing to do for my own children.
She didn't say, "I love your kids as much as you love your kids". She simply stated she loves your kids as much as she could love her own. Her statement made no reference to you. It was all about her own feelings for your children.
Thank you Yes, coming here
Thank you
Yes, coming here and discussing it was about ME processing my reaction because I know that that was MY shit and I did not want to cloud her gesture with that.
There were reasons not mentioned why it got to me, particularly bad timing which she couldn't have known about as well.
And because I got that the gesture was well meant I wanted my response to be pure as well.
RE the father stuff - I think what was steaming me at the time I wrote the OP is that he has never been "there" as a father to them. My 2 younger girls (the ones being discussed) both have health issues as mentioned and he wasn't THERE for their appts the surgeries, the fear spending two weeks in another state at a specialist hospital while they ran test after test - he wasn't there.
He was always too busy doing his own selfish thing. So essentially I have been it all their lives, he was a token and now he gets them for holiday fun times (as does the SM) I am still the one paying for everything, taking care of them when they are ill, teaching them what they need to get through in life - you know, the parenting stuff.
About 2.5 years ago my baby girl was 5, she was entering her first dance comps - she had 1 group routine, and her sister (8) had a solo and 2 groups. I film them at practice so they can play it at home and rehearse at home. He was transferring the video to tape for me and I mentioned that I would let him know when the performances were so he could take time out on those days (theatre 5 mins from his work, so max an hour each performance) He said that after watching the tape the only one he was interested in seeing was dd8's solo, the others didn't look that good.....
That sums up his parenting really. I know it is nothing to do with her message, but I guess I was saying this is NOT a SM who has major parenting time with my kids.
Not that it matters, but it all just got to me.
All good now, thanks everyone for your comments, has been interesting
"Thank you for the kind
"Thank you for the kind words. It is great to know that you care about my kids."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I agree here. I'd even go a bit further and say "I appreciate it."
I can understand the OP's
I can understand the OP's story/reaction now that I understand more of her situation.
Your reaction, however, just sounds like petty insecurities. I think if you took the time to read the various SMs' reactions throughout this blog, you would have a better understanding of our perspective and realize we're not "lying" to anyone.
I have two skids and one on
I have two skids and one on my own...my dh an i don't have one together (long story) bottom line my ss18 is such a great boy, i'm saddened that i came into his life when he was 10..i wished it would have been sooner for this boy needed a mom. He is now full time with us. My sd has become a nightmare..and as much as i loved her...i'm starting not to like her! My dd12 is an angel soooo innocent she doesn't even know when my sd is bullying her!!! So to answer your question...DID i love her like my own...I did once upon a time! I feel sad to say i'm starting to just care for her cuz she is my husbands dd thats it.
Ur situation to me only says that your kids must be extraordinary children for her to love them like her own. I know i would too.
To at the last bit - I think
To at the last bit - I think it is more that she HASN'T spent a lot of "real time" with them. Holidays are all well and good and fun, and when they visit I'm sure it's all best behaviour, sunshine and lollipops.
I am sure if she had to deal with them all day every day they would annoy the hell out of her at times (they do me LOL!) As much as I love them they are normal kids, they fight, they back talk and whine etc. The usual stuff.