You are here

Do You Think Biology Plays a Part?

ownedbypedro's picture

Just looking for thoughts and opinions - that's all. First off, let me say that I am not downplaying any of the PURE HELL that so many of us - myself included - have been put through by our skids, spouses, BMs. But, I've been thinking (OMG, that should make you hit the "back button" on your browser!)...

Do you think biology could play a part in our feelings or lack thereof for our skids? I mean aren't we BIOLOGICALLY inclined to fall madly in love with our OWN offspring and not the offspring of other people? contradict that - when I first met my skids (2 step sons, now "grown") I LIKED them - BOTH of them. this day I like the "good one" who did NOT put me through mortal hell and was NOT a stinking, entitled, mean, spiteful, mannerless, smelly, nasty, gross, disgusting waste of oxygen like the "bad one." So...that would blow the biology theory out of the water.

And...old pictures from BEFORE the HELL began - show me and BOTH skids happy together.

But could there not still be something to it. I mean "other" animals - I don't know - cows, whatever - care for their own and not the offspring of others, sometimes just ignoring them, sometimes rejecting them, sometimes even killing them.

Whatcha think???

ownedbypedro's picture

hmmmmm...I'll have to get my copy of Stepmonster out and look for that part. I guess I only read the parts I really wanted to read, lol. I LOVE that book. I am a Minimalist and only own five books and that is one of them.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

it actually explains a lot.And just thinking it also gives the chance to reflect if what we seeing (the brats,princesses,all that horrible , entitled behaviour) is really what it is sometimes or if we wear our protective "biological glasses"and therefore feel more stressed about their behavior than how we should?
I mean , bad behaviour must be adressed, but I know for sure that many of us (sometimes me, too)struggle to accept the children as themselves which I always try to fight my hardest , but it makes me so confused, why, since I love kids in general......this is a good thread, I start thinking a lot about all this.Love Step talk so much!! Smile

ownedbypedro's picture

Me too - love steptalk!! Even though my days as a sm are numbered (divorce papers have been filed with the county), THERE. ARE. SCARS. that will take years to heal. This is my saving grace - "proof" if you will that I'm not nuts or wicked or whatever.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

I am thinking that can be true in a way.No that anybody wishes their partners offspring anything bad or harmful, but I find it weird how hard it can be to accept or love the step kids at times.I think a part though is the pressure that is laid of the step moms to be expected to love them as one of ours, which is not possible.
But I also think that subconsciously there is a lot of more going on that may be biologically founded.Maybe the kids of somebody elses were seen as a threat in the survival of the own offspring or even the new parent who fears that their new partner will focus and supply rather for his first offspring???I am thinking stone age here, all assumptions.
I mean a lot of us feel stressed and anxious about their partners spoiling and disneying their biokids because they feel they will be put behind and last.I know those feelings to a certain degree and it helped me that SO put in a lot of effort to put the adult rs first- it calms me down as I feel I don't have to compete anymore for his loyalty.I think those panics and fears are maybe due to biological ancient old fears to be "left alone" and not being able to "survive".
I think it can help to tell yourself every day that step families for whatever reasons are hard work and that many negative feelings come from being stuck in a role that makes us anxious and stressed.And I bet that this doesn't only apply to us but also to a certain degree to the step kids especially if they were brought up to believe they have all rights and entitlements like adults-the whole Disney dad mentality makes it all even harder for them to adjust.

hismineandours's picture

Idk- I used to love my ss14. He was only 1 when I met him. He was a cute little toddler who could not speak. What's not to love? My feelings changed slowly over years. Started around age 5 and I have continued to fall into dislike more with him each passing year. He has directly threatened to kill my ds13, he has stolen my dd14's panties. I don't particularly think in my case it is a biological thing- at one point I loved him very much and was extremely protective of him. It wasn't until he presented with all this inappropriate behavior that I fell out of love

ownedbypedro's picture

Right - same here. Which is why it confuses me - how much is biology and how much is circumstances.

Right now I am coming to terms with realizing and admitting that it is NOT so much my skid that I hate and resent - but his PARENTS. The way he is is very much THEIR fault. I mean - it is his fault too - because he is 38 years old now and should know better than to be a walking waste of oxygen - but who can blame him for continuing what he has always gotten away with?

ownedbypedro's picture

Yeah - but wouldn't that go back to being biologically inclined to not like another woman's children? Or no - it would be not liking THIS PARTICULAR woman's children. I'm confused (like you didn't know already, lol).

bi's picture

i've got the same thing going on here. i've said before that if i were sd's age or she were my age, either way it wouldn't matter. we would never be friends because her personality rubs my nerves raw.

bi's picture

fdh has said about sd many times "she's a stupid bitch, just like her mother" "she has too much of her mother in her". i think the love he has for her is obligatory, not real. he has told me with his own mouth that he loves bs4 more and wants him, and he did not want sd19.

christag's picture

My DH is widowed. I know so many wives of widowers that have problems with their stepkids even with BM not involved and their husbands never having divorced. I do think there is a biological element since it's the children of the first wife competing with a second family.

But the biggest factor to me is the personal attacks my stepkids have launched at my kids because of their jealousy and how they have taken little things my son (who has ADHD and behavior problems) has done and blown them out of proportion.

As a mother, you're going to side with your kids when they are attacked, and when that attack is coming from a group who loathes you and constantly talks about how much their parents were in love and how their father and mother are soulmates...?

bi's picture

i do think biology has plenty to do with it. even if sd were not a total hag, i still wouldn't have a maternal love for her. i might like her, but i would never love her as if she were my own. the fact that she IS a hag just makes me hate her.

christag's picture

Well, in my case, BM raised spoiled, selfish brats, but she's dead so no one can speak ill of her or say she wasn't anything other than a blessed saint.

Just because my skids appear respectable it doesn't make them any less of problems. I wish they were drug addicted losers. it would make things so much better. But they are well educated, have good jobs and still treat me like garbage. Just because they drive BMWs and have law degrees doesn't make things any better.

christag's picture

Exactly! But it takes a stepmom to see it. They put on these personas where everyone believes they're so wonderful & caring and it makes me want to throw up.

People make such a big deal about the skids sacrificed when their mom was dying and caring for their grandmother w/ Parkinsons. Their relatives make them out to be the world's biggest saints, even DH. OSS dropped off the varsity tennis team so he could pick up his younger siblings and now DH believes this excuses his horrible behavior towards me and his father.

No one sees them for being selfish, horrible people. They don't care about their dads feelings or mine or my kids. All they care about is their dead mother and her family. They will bend over backwards for them, do fundraising for cancer research, go all crazy with the Parkinsons stuff.

But they attack me and my kids.

OptimisticMe's picture

I didn't read all of the responses yet. In my case, I think biology definitely plays a part. When we first got married, SD was 4. I may have loved her, if not, it was close to love. We cuddled on the couch and watched TV. She was my shopping buddy. My husband deployed a lot and I was so happy to have SD to keep me company. We had a lot of fun together. I feared her mom (who abandoned her) would see us in public and try to take her from me (her mom neglected her and I feared for SD's safety if her BM took her). I had nightmares about that. I considered SD my own daughter.

Then my BD was born. SD was not gentle with her...I summed that up to not knowing enough about babies. THEN when I went outside to load the car for our first family vacation (BD 4 months strapped in a seat with SD entertaining her), I came in to SD screaming wildly in BD's face. It was pure hatred and meanness I saw from SD, directed at my BD! My feelings changed in that instant. In that instant, my "Momma Bear" took over and saw SD as a direct threat to the well-being of my own offspring. And "Momma Bear" was right...SD has hurt my BD and now BS physically and emotionally and is now living with her grandparents. "Momma Bear" had enough!

dledden's picture

I need to read STEP MONSTER but where can I HIDE it in my house so my hubby doesn't see me reading it? I am now on a quest to obtain a copy.

I can't stand my stepkid. never liked him, even in the very beginning. I think biology plays a big role in that. i also think that the fact that my stepson is autistic along with having a host of other physical issues, that WERE IGNORED FOR AT LEAST FIVE YEARS before i came into the picture, make me have even more of a problem with him. dad and grandparents IGNORED AUTISM FOR 5 years....who the fuck does that? Anyway, the kid was never socialized, just babied because baby momma is a drug addicted loser who didn't want him and daddy had to raise him by himself. like the "oh poor kid has no mother so we'll just baby him to death".

He is high functioning autistic, he could have been socialized and attended to by the proper doctors and therapists, and my life with him now wouldn't be such a damn headache! There are times that I wish I had a sign that read "this is not my biology, please do not judge ME for the behaviors of this child, I just got him last year".....

I know, it's harsh.........but like you said, in the animal kingdom, most mothers would NEVER even consider raising some other animal's why should humans be different?