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Do I ask for a divorce?!

Peony329's picture

I posted 3 days ago about feeling regretful towards marrying a man with a child.

After reading through the responses and reflecting a bit more, the question that keeps lingering is whether it's worth it to leave an otherwise good man. Our senses of humor complement each others', he's loyal, honest, devoted, smart and very caring. Can I find these traits again in another childless man?

My constant fear is just that the longer I feel this internal frustration about my SS and being a blended family, the more I'll build up resentment and not feel the same about my DH.

The other concern is that a good man is hard to find. I'm 30, so when I factor in how much it can suck to be single, and how long it takes to truly get to know someone after you DO meet someone promising, it just feels daunting. I worry I'll be 36, still single, and it be harder to even have my own children. I feel really selfish thinking this way, but I'm just being open with my feelings.

I think I'm going to talk to my DH, ask to go to a few counseling sessions, even though I'm not sure if this issue is something resolvable. It's about his son, who's not going anywhere. It's not like the issue is a communication problem or something that counseling WOULD likely help.

I just don't know.

notasm3's picture

My cousin married a good man who had been her best friend. There were no skids involved, but his parents and siblings caused a lot of problems. He worked for the family business, and they all lived near each other so nothing was going to change.

I'll be honest - I thought she was nuts for leaving a good, decent man who adored her. She was about 30 too. And then she was single for several years. I thought she would never remarry.

But she met a 39 year old man who had never been married when she was 37. He knew from the minute he met her that he wanted to marry her - after years of being single. He was an unbelievable catch - handsome, rich, well educated but most of all absolutely devoted to her. She went on to have two adorable children with him.

When I am around them it is just so obvious how much he adores her and looks out for her and wants her to be taken care of. Unlike her previous DH who did love her but he kept letting his parents walk all over both of them.

notsobad's picture

When I reread it, a though came into my mind. I wonder if he's a narcissist.

My friend was in a 4 year relationship with a guy who had 2 horrible exwifes. He was a wonderful person who tired oh so hard with both of his wives but well, there is only so much a man can do.
He proposed after only 4 months and my friend said yes, because he was absolutely perfect. He was exactly the man she wanted and needed, or so she thought.
As time went by it became clearer and clearer that he wasn't the person he pretended to be. She didn't marry him, thank goodness, it turns out his divorce wasn't final!
That was the first of many many lies.

notsobad's picture

Taking all the blame is what happens when you get gaslighted. They make you think it's all you!

My friend caught her guy on a dating site, when confronted he said, well you've been so busy with your kids and your friends, I was feeling left out. Maybe, if we had more date nights and you showed me the same attention you show your kids and friends I wouldn't need to go on these sites. I only do it because I want to feel attractive and get some attention, I'd never actually go out with any of them.

Peony329's picture

Looking back through our entire relationship, I can definitely pick up on some narcissism. I also feel borderline verbally and emotionally abused, but in very subtle ways. He never yells at me or calls me any blatantly derogatory or offensive names, but he says things that I realize are hurtful after the fact. It's like I feel this oppressive cloud hovering above me all the time, when isn't love supposed to feel light?

My DH said "I love you" to me after only a month. That should have been a big enough red flag for me to run, I am. Only person I can blame is myself.

notsobad's picture

Almost exactly the same thing with my friend. She met him online and he was so perfect!

Once they broke up, she found out he was dating another woman and had asked her to marry him within 3 months too. After they broke up she got in contact with my friend and together they discovered all the lies and the love bombing. They've also talked to the 2 other wives and just more of the same.

He has this ability to read and then seem to be exactly what each woman thinks she wants. He feels like a soul mate until you do something that he doesn't like or didn't want you to do. Then the gaslighting starts and the crazy making.

notsobad's picture

It's scary! And because so many women feel that they'll never meet another man, they stay.

My friend still misses the man he pretended to be. She knows it was all bs but she still wants to find Mr Right.

Peony329's picture

What were his true colors?

Why do you suppose this happens? Is it because they feel broken and unwanted, so to "fix" this, they rush into a relationship with anyone who seems willing?