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DH pays way more than CS

Anna21's picture

DH and I have been together for ten years. We decided to keep our finances separate after we bought a house together. We share all household bills and then keep our own earnings separate. I have always suspected he pays more than child support but any time I brought that topic up he denied it. My BD 23 has had a bad two years with clinical depression and her medical expenses are heavy. I was widowed when she was age four and so it's just me for her support. DH firstly has no sympathy or tolerance for what he considers laziness on her part. She was recently hospitalized as she was at risk of harming herself. DH is upset because I am spending 'our' money meaning money out of my bank account. My parents passed away and I have a small inheritance that I am waiting on to pay off the mounting medical bills and he is furious. Today I asked him again what he does with his money and he told me he spends most of it on his two kids. His ex is supposed to pay half of course. She has a good income but doesn't pay half. For anything. The way I see it is that he is supplementing her household. I have never asked him for a cent I work hard and keep my head above water financially for the most part. My parents left me the money to help my kids because they knew we had a rough time after my late husband died. Am I wrong to be resentful at DH? And to take that money for my bills? 

Aniki's picture

That inheritance was left to YOU.

As long as you are paying your half of the bills, you're good. 

WTH, does your H expect to spend his money and YOURS on his kids? No bloody way.


ndc's picture

You have separate finances.  Your money is yours to spend on your daughter.  Your inheritance is YOUR money.  You don't ask your husband for money, and I assume you don't complain about how he spends his money.  As such, I would be resentful if he dared to question how I'm spending my money, or to think that he has any say over my inheritance.  This would be the case whether he supplements BM's household or not.

I assume that your daughter is doing what she can to treat her mental illness - therapy, medication, etc.  If that's the case, your husband is an ass for not being supportive.  If she's not taking care of herself, then I can see where he would be concerned.

BethAnne's picture

If your parents wanted to leave the money to both of you they would have, but they chose to leave the money to you - so spend it how you want. Your husband can huff and puff away but he cannot do anything about it.

Make sure to get some good advice on the best way to tackle the medical bills. I know I called my hospital the other day to ask about the costs of upcoming treatments and the lady in the finance office said that if I could pay in full that if I called them they would take 1/3 off the bill. It might also work out better for your daughter to assume the debts and see if she can declaire bankrupcy or something similar to write them off - though obviously you need to be careful that it is not too much stress for her and she doesn't replapse. I'm sure there must be some sort of advisors who can help work out what the best thing to do is??

Best of luck with all of this.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Based solely on what your wrote, your DH is being an arse.

However, I want to pose a couple of questions to you to think about to see if there is mounting frustration on his side that could be justified:

1.) Are you late on paying household bills?

2.) Have you been unable to go on dates or trips with your DH due to your finances?

3.) Are you pushing off joint purchases to pay for your DD's medical care?

4.) Are you not saving properly for retirement and putting yourself behind, and pushing back plans you and DH had?

5.) Is your DD able to contribute but isn't, and your DH thinks you're being taken advantage of?

There are pros and cons to having separate finances. The pro is that you have total say over your own money. The con is that you have no real say in your partner's, and it takes a lot of trust to assume that they are keeping up with any mutual financial goals. I think couples also assume that separate finances mean you never have to talk about money, but that's not the case, either. There still needs to be opportunity to talk about financial situations, and it needs to be discussed frequently so a spouse doesn't end up with unknown financial burdens should something happen to the other.

It may be time for both you and your DH to sit down and have a financial health chat. No getting mad at whether you cover a medical bill or he buys extra school supplies. You both need to check in to see overall how you're each doing and how you'll make up for any lost ground either of you have given up for your kids. If he isn't willing to talk finances, then I think you both need to consider marriage counseling as you both seem to have bubbling resentment about things.

ETA: Reading over your previous posts, and having also responded to at least one of them, I'm going to give your DH a few more points toward "not an arse". 

The situation with your daughter has been going on for awhile. Has she made any progress on being independent, or begun filing for disability? If nothing has changed except for bills to continue to mount, and you having to swoop in to save your adult daughter, I can understand his frustration. There is a point where you go from helping to enabling, and he likely thinks you're doing the latter.

As I said in my last reply to you on your last post, I am sympathetic to your plight as I've lived it with my sister and mother. But, you can't live in a continuous vacuum of your DD's issues and not expect your DH to want to escape from it. Your DD has a chronic disease that is dangerous, yes. But she and you have to figure out how to function with it long-term. My guess would be that your DH is less upset about the actual money being spent and more upset by the constant upheaval that he sees in every part of your life. Because you're upset by the money piece with him, that's the part you're clinging to because it's very tit-for-tat.

Rags's picture

Nope, not wrong at all.  In fact, you need to hold DH's nose to the fire on his double standard and inform him that he immediately stops paying for anything beyond CS that is not specified in the CO and start maning up on supporting the household.  

Yes, equity life partners who both work provide for the household. However, his double standard needs to have a long term installment plan put in place to pay the household back for anything he has contributed to the Skids beyond CS or otherwise CO's support.   Since he is all about how you are spending household money on your daughter's medical expenses.  Make him account for every penny he has spent on his children.

This guy pisses me off.

Good luck with this one.

Evil3's picture

I was going to present the same questions that lieutenant dad did.

I did not go back and read your previous blogs, so I'm not sure if I'm off the mark here, but I'll play Devil's advocate and say something about young adults and anxiety. I don't know your DD's situation, but is it possible that your DH may have a point about your DD being lazy and possibly using "anxiety" as her justification for not really participating in life the way she should at her age? Are you enabling it if that's what she's doing?

Sparents see their SKs in ways that their bio parents don't. While you see things your SKs do, your DH would see something in your DD that you don't. IMHO.

still learning's picture

He is supplementing his kids household and you're helping your adult daughter. Sounds pretty even to me.  If he's fine on his part of the bills and you on yours then let it be. You have enough stress helping your daughter through her issues.  

Thank goodness you had the foresight to keep finances separate!