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DH furious because I want my son to stay for two months, advice please?

Anna21's picture

To give some context to this, when DH and I met my bio son was already 19 and at 20 he moved out and has been independent since then. DH has never lived with him. DH has SS15 and SD19 and I have my BD21. Me and my kids lost their Dad in a car accident when they were 10 and 4 and for almost ten years it was the three of us. My own Father became a surrogate Dad to my two kids and he passed away in 2017. At the same time my son split up with his girlfriend. He has now gone back to school to do a masters degree and I am proud of him for that. He is a great kid, now 26 so a man really, given the upheaval he has had in his life. He has moved back to our town having lived out of state since he was 20 and asked me if he could stay for a couple of months till he finds a house to buy, get settled etc. I said it to DH last night and he went ballistic. You would swear bio son is a drop out, a loser or someone maybe doing drugs all day. He is a hard working guy, a little lost at the moment because of grief and his break up. DH has no understanding or sympathy for him at all. SD19 practically lived with us for two months, most of the time as she was always arguing with her mother. I didn't like it but I said nothing. The skids came Christmas Day for a few hours, to get their gifts and eat and then left, the usual. My two have been home for a week and DH has been isolating in the bedroom, sullen and grumpy. The only time he socialized was when skids were with us. I have tried to communicate with him explaining that I am all my kids have left. Literally every adult that was involved in raising them has died other than me. Am I being unreasonable, as DH insists, to say Yes to my son staying with us for 6-8 weeks? We have plenty of room. His son SD15 has his own room so he wont be putting anyone out. He cleans up, helps out, I am not being biased, he has grown to be a lovely young man.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Can you maybe rent a small apartment for your DS on a temporary basis, like 6 months? That way he's not burning through his down payment and your DH doesn't have another man living in his home?

That was my grown up response.

Your DH is being a spoiled titty baby.

zerostepdrama's picture

I do not think it is crazy that you would ask. I am all for parents helping their kids out here and there in life as long as their is a plan in place.

How well does your DH know your son? Are they on friendly terms? How long have you and DH been married?

What is DH's reasoning for saying NO?

Anna21's picture

DH and I have been married for two years but together for eight. My son is quiet, so I wouldn't say they are real friendly, they don't have much in common. But there is no tension or arguments. I think DH may resent my closeness to my kids. He has always had to buy his kids' time and affection because of BM's brainwashing. Dh's reasoning is that he is 26 and should not stay with parents. He has a solid plan to buy a house which is why he doesn't want to lease even for 6 months.

paul_in_utah's picture

Did you ask you DH about this, or just inform him that your son would be staying. My Ex-DW (but now SO again) tried this once, and just "informed" me that he daughter and her husband would be moving in. It is one of the main reasons we got divorced, and the lack of boundaries with her kids is one of the main reasons I am not sure we will ever get re-married.

Anna21's picture

I told my son I would run it by DH but that I didn't think there would be a problem (I honestly didn't think he would kick up such a fuss) but I did ask him. "Are you ok if son stays for a couple of months while he looks for a house and gets a mortgage?"
DH and I have had our issues, this step thing isn't easy as we all know. The Brady bunch we are not. But I feel like now I have to choose between DH or my kid. And hands down it will always be my kids if I have to make a choice.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your kids should not always be "hands down" your #1 priority. They are both now adults and should be out doing their own adult life. Eventually they will have their own lives with their own children and spouses. At that point, you can either be alone and at their beck and call, or you can be with your DH and supporting your sons when it's necessary.

If your general attitude is "my kids are #1 no matter what you say", then I see why your DH reacted the way he did. You basically told your son that it would be cool, but you are going to give a courtesy nod to your DH. You didn't expect your DH to balk, and now that he has, you're planning on moving forward with moving your son in anyway and potentially leaving your spouse.

Your DH had ZERO real say in this situation. He was doomed from the start, either to accept that your adult child lives with him whether he likes it or not (losing situation), or to upset you and potentially implode his marriage (another losing situation). That isn't how a partnership works.

Now, I say ALL this to also say that he's wrong on two fronts. First, if he allowed his adult child to live with you all summer without consultation AND it isn't a predetermined thing (ie kid just graduated high school, spent every summer with Dad up until that point, and is now in college), he was wrong to do it and has lost a lot of ground with trying to take a stand now. Secondly, if your son is generally respectful and well mannered, there's no reason to say NO now. He's lost his bargaining chip in case he wants to move his kids in later for a similar reason.

Really, you both are being silly by putting your kids first. That is why marriages fail. You two are the foundation that the kids launch from, even if you two aren't the bio-parents of all the kids. Anyone, kids included, who undermines a marriage is toxic to that marriage. When you elevate your son to an equal and remove your DH's real power, you're poisoning your own marriage. By all means, if you want a divorce, then keep doing what you're doing. But if you want to keep your marriage, then you need to work with your DH on a solution. If the solution isn't what your son wanted, then feel free to go back to him and find a suitable compromise that clearly respects your DH.

paul_in_utah's picture

Well, having been in a somewhat similar position, I can tell you the last thing I wanted was for an adult step-child to move in. Now in my case, there were years of acrimony, conflict, and bad history. It sounds like that's not the case here, but I would still point out that a lot of step-parent's don't want adult skids under their roof. In many cases, these kids never launch and leave (not saying that would be the case here, but it happens a lot).

Also, I would not agree with you about putting your kids above your marriage. In my book, the marriage should be the foundation of the household. Now ideally, you and your spouse agree on major issues, but how many times have we seen parents enable loser adult skids on here, and side with the skids over their spouse? I sure saw it plenty of times during my marriage, as my SO was very direct about me being 2nd fiddle to her kids (was actually a bully about it much of the time). There are occasions when the skid is flat-out in the wrong, and both their parent and the step-parent side with one another against the skid, but that is uncommon. Siding with kids over your spouse usually leads to instability in the household, along with many other problems.

It might be best to help your son find an apartment as a stop-gap solution. Maybe it's not ideal, but it will help keep a lid on your DH's resentment, and also reinforce the message that your son needs to be working hard to secure long-term housing. Just my 2 cents as one of the few step-fathers on here.

Thumper's picture

dh is not going to entertain this, you should remember your loyalty is to your husband, your son is a grown man and can rent a room OR get a 6month lease somewhere.

I would have to say no to this move in thing. Doesn't matter how nice your son is. You can support grown son by offering security and 1st months rent if you must do something.

Degrees are great but what would your son do IF moving in with you was not an option. He would find another way, right?

I think you are not sure how to tell him NO.

thinkthrice's picture

I had a similar issue with Chef. Awesomeson (my bioson) moved out when he was 18, finished HS and started college on his own as well as held down a job. Awesomeson's dad died when he was 17. He was stuck in a dead end job, so he moved in with us before going off to the Air Force (which was a great decision as I could not afford college for either me, nor my two biochildren)

Chef was nothing but crass and though that Awesomeson was sponging and that going to the Air Force was just an excuse to live at home (took Awesomeson several months to get in to the AF) Even though he paid rent, worked a B shift job so was not even home when we were back from work. He is quiet and never ate up any of our food, always helped around the house when available.

Chef tried to accuse him of DRAINING the LAWNMOWER battery to get out of mowing!!??? We live next to a wetland in a very low lying area where the town dumps water onto our property--this property I bought because CHEF wanted to "live closer to the skids" (TM) Yeah that worked out real well, but I digress.

When everyone else is mowing happily the next day after a rainy one, we have to wait DAYS if not sometimes a whole WEEK before we can mow again without getting stuck in mud!! Chef knew that but wanted to find SOMETHING wrong with Awesomeson.

Thank GOD it was after the last skid PASed out. Chef's kids btw, ate us out of house and home (needed fancy junk food 24/7), ran up my utility bill to the max (bed wetters, left lights on, water running/ 30 minute soapless showers etc) and wrecked everything they came in contact with.

When Awesomeson left for basic, I almost did an "IN YOUR FACE" to Chef. And when Awesomeson graduated basic with honors, well that was too much for Chef to take knowing HIS spawn have and will always be POS. That was the month that Chef did his pointless "reunification attempt" with his PASed out brats which failed utterly.

Now Chef and Awesomeson get along famously!!

thinkthrice's picture

yep.

Anna21's picture

One of the reasons that I am finding this so hard is that I have put up with such crap from the skids for so long. SD19 comes and goes as she pleases and has only recently gotten an apartment. I do understand my son is grown now but I trust him enough to know he won’t be a sponge he isn’t that type at all. He was doing odd jobs to help me out when he was 12, being a widow meant we didn’t have much and my son was responsible almost like an adult since he was 10. I know him well enough that he just wants a base till he gets a house. DH has always had one rule for my two and different rules for his, actually no rules for his! I get that he doesn’t want an adult skid in the house but I don’t want a surly rude disrespectful 15 year old in mine. I take the bad with the good and expect DH to do the same. I turn a blind eye to the endless batteries, toiletries etc. that SS15 takes from our house to BM’s and don’t get me started on him refusing to eat my food because it’s “poison”. The list could go on. I have rolled over on way too much I know and now it’s resulted in DH having a fit because I ask for a couple of months with an adult skid.

marblefawn's picture

I'm still not sure what excuse your husband is offering for bulking. I'd like to know it.

If your son is so great, why would your husband have an issue with him moving in for six weeks? I suspect there are issues, slights, and tension that perhaps you have not perceived between your kids and your husband. These kids can be mighty manipulative and sneaky. Your husband can probably tolerate that when it's small doses, but he doesn't want it in his house with no guarantee it will ever move out. Surely you can understand that because you are complaining about his kids living in your house!

But because his kids live there, yours should be allowed the benefit of temporary access too. Why not explain the tit-for-tat concept to him, write a contract stating that your son will be out within six weeks with no requests for extensions, state the move out date, sign it and, STICK BY IT? That way you get what you want, your son gets what he needs, and husband has a guarantee the compromise is not forever. Make sure you and your son both sign it so everyone is on the same page.

You know, all the assurances in the world that your son "really is a good guy" is not much comfort for someone who just doesn't want to share his space. The one thing I made my husband promise when we married was that his daughter would NEVER live with us. I would sooner leave him than face that. You might be right that the son is a golden child and maybe your husband is just a meanie. But maybe he's not a golden child and your husband has chosen to keep quiet rather than out your son for being a brat. Maybe your husband just doesn't care for him or he just doesn't want the complication of that situation. Regardless, while you might really want this, it might be wise to assume your husband knows what his limits are. You can force it, negotiate a deal as I outlined above, but maybe your husband just knows the situation would be intolerable and maybe he's trying to avoid losing it on your kid. It might be in everyone's best interest to find another solution.

Willow2010's picture

This is one of the MANY things DH and I hashed out before living together/marriage. We agreed that any kids/skid could come back to live with us in case of dire situations but only for a few months and only if it was not alcohol or drug related. They could come back due to loss of job, divorce, health issues. Things like that.

But since you did not, it is kind of hard to get into some type of agreement now. I think I would find out why he so against it. Then if he still is adamant, I think I would find a different way to help son. Not sure how because it sounds like your son can afford a place he just needs some family time to lick his wounds and move on.

Unless there is some other issue, like your son has been horrible to your DH and you are not telling….your DH is being a giant asshat. This would cause a big issue in my marriage. Sorry, I really have no advice because he is being unreasonable. But I would make damn sure that no kids of his can stay in the house after they are 18/out of HS. If SD wants to come stay a week or two because her and BM are fighting…hell no. And I would let DH know right now that SD is not allowed to come stay anymore.

mro's picture

That's a good idea. My DH and I didn't exactly hash that out but we are clear that if any kid needs temporary lodging in the future, they will pay rent. Seems like OP can make it clear that DH's rule that kids don't move back in after they launch will apply to his kids too. I wouldn't sign a 6 month lease. I would get a long term (month to month) furnished Air bnb or VRBO rental or one of those extended stay hotels. It's cheaper than a divorce.

Jumpjimcrow's picture

I wouldn't want any adult Step child to move in for two months. Maybe a week, two at most. No matter how tidy or nice they are. Not after experiencing blended family. Also I would be worried that the time limit may not be adhered to for unseen reasons, causing difficulties. Personally I would prefer to keep relationships okay as they are and not risk unforseen problems. If it was an adult SD I would be uneasy my being female. But thats my perspective and Im not big on risk lol
If my DH was not okay about one of my adult children staying for a while I would need to respect him. It would be an opportunity to have a discussion with him to understand his feelings about it. We have to come first as a team before our children. We don't expect to stay at their homes for weeks at a time. It works both ways.
Its really hard to say no to our children. We don't want them to feel unwanted or to dislike our partners. It can be difficult finding the right words when we say no to them. Tricky situation. Hope it works out okay.

Inthemiddle2's picture

Maybe he got so upset quickly because he is thinking 2 months may turn into 6 months, one year, etc. If you can somehow assure him it will only be 8 weeks he may come around. That is not a long period of time.

MamaPTK's picture

I would be totally honest with my bio son. It sounds like you have a lot going on.

Tell him the truth and go from there. Maybe once he hears his step dads attitude he won't want to be there.

If he needs to be there...then he knows the situation.

If your son can't be there then adult SK over 21 have to go too. Fairness on both sides