Denial Denial DENIAL!!!
Anyone else find themselves doing this????
I try to convince myself that my DH had no life before I came along- He never saw any movies, he never visited any landmarks, he never took any trips to anyplace I want to go with him... He never took his son to THIS park or THAT place with BM. Almost to the point that I get angry when he talks about past trips to Las Vegas...(with his ex, but he repsectfully does not mention her name in the story). I just don't want to hear about it... I want one of those things from Men In Black to erase his memories with her so that all of his memories are of me...and OUR family together. STUPID HUH!
I want this nasty feeling in my gut to go away when I hear about his past with her. I know in my mind that it is just that... THE PAST... but the feeings just won't go away. And I get along with BM, imagine if I hated her. OMG- I would go crazy inside.
Have I totally lost my mind????? I feel like an idiot for even admitting these feelings...
Me too!
I completely agree with your feelings! I get the same ones. I am lucky though because when he was married to the BM, they didn't do anything. She made him completely miserable and he doesn't really have any great stories. But he does have the first wedding, first house, first child, etc. It really upsets both of us that I'm not his first.
my dh has a tattoo with his ex's name
it doesn't bother me, he had one of bm too, but covered it up with another tattoo for wife #3. i told him no tattoos with my name. his tattoo doesn't bother me, but i would like to be the one running the tattoo gun to cover it up.
me too!!
I am very careful to not mention stories about my ex-husband or any ex-boyfriend. My BF however loves to tell stories about his past girlfriends. He has gone so far as to tell me stories about sex. After he sees the look on my face he'll say "oh, it wasn't as good as it is with you, baby" I really don't care if it was good or not but I don't want to hear about it. The last time he had a few beers he said "yep, I've bagged some heifers, I'm not proud of it" Yuck, and he thinks this makes me want to have sex with him????? I think it's some sort of sick way of trying to tell me what a stud he is or something, like I should be proud to have him.:?
Could write a book
about DH's past w/ ex, sometimes the stories don't bother me, it does shed some light on all that he's been through with that nutjob. It is times like those that I let the "friend" side of myself out. (like Syble) I need different persona's.... wife, lover,friend.BUT, their have been times when I have had to hear the same thing over, & over again....and want to scream!!! Some one once told me it is a good way for him to "heal", and release the past, and compared to when I first met him, this is true. Meshel
eBay
Failing any other resolution to your problem, I think you can get one of those neurolizers on eBay.
Hang in there!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
My Mind Is At Ease
I truly felt like I was going insane. I don't obsess about what she is doing now... or anything like that. I in fact talk to BM everyday- I just sent her an email : )
I DON'T like it when DH talks about her. They too started dating at a very young age (she was 12, he was 14) so they have MANY memories together... they were each others "first"... I HATE THAT THOUGHT!!!! And to this day they share a good amount of mutual friends as we all still live in the same town we grew up in.
I pretty much refrain from talking about my ex or tell stories of my past, well... I do still share the BAD stories- it helps my healing process as I was in an abusive marriage in the past. BM RARELY talks about her past with DH when we are engaged in conversation because we mainly discuss SS on occassion it gears toward personal topics, but that is a rarity.
I don't think that DH does it to hurt me, but I have to stop denying the fact that he has a past. It is almost unhealthy the way I even tell him "you have not been there, I wasn't with you, so you weren't there". He probably thinks I am a complete nutjob- but he still loves me, so I guess it is not THAT bad. AND I really should not care because EVERYONE (BM included) has told me that he was anything BUT a family man with her and was never home... with me- we do EVERYTHING together and he enjoys my company as much as I enjoy his. So, that right there should make me feel better- so why doesn't it???? My own insecurities, I suppose?!
Thanks to all of you for making me feel normal again!
Mellissa-
You should see how petty I am…
You should see how petty I am…
My fiancée just cancelled his storage unit and brought home 4 boxes of stuff he'd had there since before we got together. He's so bad at getting organized and procrastinates when it comes to things such as going through the boxes that I did it for him, here comes the pettiness…in one of the boxes where letters from BM his ex and some cards and pictures. Not a lot mind you (he gave back a lot when they broke it off) but coming across it got me upset. I told him I'd come across the stuff and he said "oh I didn't know I still had anything, just toss them or haha send them back to her with all the other stuff." When she left town she left a few boxes saying that all she couldn't take it with her but could my fiancée keep it for her and send a bit down at a time when their son visited her.
Well I don't really want all that in our house because honestly I really don't want to think about the relationship he had with her before me so I packed it up and was planning on shipping it out to her and I got annoyed with her last night so I enclosed all the old letters and pictures she'd sent my fiancée and sent those back to her as well…I know horrible but the truth is it makes me feel a little bit better to be mean for once.
Been There DONE THAT!!
When DH and I first moved in together(this was around Valentines Day)... BM was BITTER to say the least. He had some boxes out in her shed and he went and got them... never went through them, until WE moved into a bigger house and we decided not to move a bunch of CRAP that we obviously didn't need if we had not used it in well over a year...
Together we went through boxes and came across the few that he retrieved from her house... filled with Wedding pictures, Valentines Day cards- Letters (not old ones... written AFTER he and I got together as she referrenced me in several of them)... well, I went as far as to drive them back up to her house ( a 20 minutes drive)set them on her front porch and put a note stating " I believe these belong to you." She was MADDDDDD!
Oh- then there was last Christmas- SS was 2 years old- A few days before Christmas BM dropped him off at our home along with a gift box with a hand written message (BM's writting of course) "Merry Christmas Daddy, handmade with LOVE- and some help from SS of course" BLAH! He opened it to find a handmade blanket- She took precious time out of her day to hand make a blanket for her EX husband. Okay- I can see helping your son pick out a gift for their Dad... MAYBE, if Dad doesn't have a wife in the picture... but there were so many things wrong with this situation... I came UNGLUED- DH knew I was mad so he called BM and said "Thanks for the blanket, but Mellissa says it doesn't match our bedroom so we won't be using it to keep warm at night, oh, and please don't do things like that". She cried... but COME ON- Seriously... it is not like the 2 year old said "mommy please make a blanket for my Daddy for Christmas"... I threw it away.
I threw it away....
Sometimes a girls gotta do, what a girls gotta do...
My policy is that I just don't want DH to ever take me anywhere that he's been to with the ex or ex gf. There's tons of places we can experience together that neither of us have gone before. I'm not walking in anyone elses footsteps, ever.
Might not be logical or practical at times but that's part of why he loves me. (Actually he thinks something traumatic must've happened to me when I was a kid and thats why I am a crazy lady sometimes.
If he only knew there's tons of us out there. LOL
HERE HERE BONUS WIFE!
DH thinks I must have fallen on my head as a child... I probably did, but I don't think THIS behavior is a result of that.
We do try to go new places together, rather than repeat what we have done in our "previous lives"- it is a small town though. That gets challenging at times!
Then I have to remind myself that he HARDLY EVER TOOK HER OUT... so if he tells me he has been somewhere, I can't assume that it was with HER it was probably with his buddies. That's me, jumping to conclusions- gets me in a boatload of trouble at times!
Why Don't They Get It???
Vacations are a Sore Subject Fearless...I agreed to do a "family honeymoon" for the kids to bond a little in Disney this past Dec. (12, 14, 15). What better place right? I knew DH went there a few times early in his first marriage, but Disney is Disney. I couldn't let that fact stop me. And, the last time he went was about 2 months before I met him when he was divorced and solo. In fact, he spoke about his vacation on our first date. He mentioned the kids and him had a great time. (He gained brownie points, because I was impressed that this dad took his kids alone on vacation.)
Then, a year into the relationship it was revealed (by the kids) that he was there the "same week as the ex. "Hmm" When I questioned him about that fact, he (visualize: a tilted head, with a puzzled look) didn't remember how he could have forgotten to mention that she was on a business trip and they decided he should go that week too so he could take them to Disney when she was "working" and then they'd switch when she got done. (Follow me?) So they didn't really vacation "together" - they even stayed at different hotels.
He also raved about this Hoop Dee Doo revue dinner show. Apparently he got called up on stage and had to do something hysterical and it was the highlight of the kids trip. They laugh as they tell me the story even today.
Well, here I go, being totally naive & not asking enough questions. I booked our honeymoon at a hotel that they never stayed in (I confirmed that) and agreed to go to this Hoop Dee Doo thing. Well, the second I walked in this restaurant, I got woman's intuition and just knew that the ex attended this dinner show with them not even two years earlier. I felt ill. Even though they were divorced and he wasn't even mine yet, the ex still was privy to having a good time with MY hubby!
Wait, the story gets worse!! Kids say the darndest things and it was also revealed that it was Dad's birthday that week. And when "mom" brought the kids to Dad's hotel, they all had champagne together! (This I heard from his son while we were on a disney bus..."Remember when mom brought you the birthday cake and we all had champagne.") Oh my gosh, I can't describe how I felt. On my honeymoon, I got visions of the 5 of them - the old family, celebrating my husband's birthday. AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!
I just couldn't believe he failed to mention all that. He didn't even get why it bothered me so much. He acted so defensive and I was the bad guy for asking him to elaborate once the kids blew his cover. Now it was my fault if his trip (which I paid for btw) was ruined by my being flabbergasted. I was also totally confused as I was told that they aren't friends. Who has champagne with someone who isn't your friend??????
All turned out well however, I calmed down, but the truth is I don't go for half a story. Not disclosing all details, is a lie. (I also understand when NOT to probe cause we already know certain things...but don't intentionally leave out details.) And yes, I was so pissed because I never would have gone to that show. I would have picked the Luau or something. But, I think now he be scared of me 'cause when I react, I react!!! I think he'd rather be upfront than deal with the aftermath if he hasn't given me full disclosure. Truth, the whole truth or nothing but the truth! And I will leave a marriage if there's one more LIE!
And, yes, turns out she went out with them at night to all the rides but (and who really knows) it was not just them but friends from her job. But it really disturbed me because I specifically requested that we don't retrace "their" steps and it was our "honeymoon" and he despecialized it for me, if that's even a word.
Oh Well. Live and Learn...Gotta Trust Our Instincts, that's my piece of advice. (If you got this far, thanks for letting me vent.)
Right There With You!!
Right there with you! Right there with you! Right there with you!
. . . oh, sorry, sometimes I mindlessly repeat myself, it's the darnedest thing, must be the old head injury acting up again . . .
Here, here, and here! Same deal, different second wife. It's normal, natural, and aren't we hilarious
This, there, then and that...
I'm not a jealous person, and frankly don't care because I put it all into perspective. I too had relations with others, therefore, it's not fair of me to get upset with his past relationships either. I've never been upset about his past. I DO however, get upset with BM's present antics, meaning, her immature tendencies.
Early in our relationship, DH had alll sorts of old paperwork shoved here and there, that 'linked' him to his past, but he himself couldn't go through it himself without getting upset... not sad, but pissed. So, I helped him through it. And just recently, this last two weeks, I've pulled even more paperwork out of the deep dark corners of our closets, cabinets, boxes, EVERYWHERE to clean this house out. (It's amazing how much junk one can accumulate in 10 years!) This past two weeks, I came a crossed pictures, cards, love letters from BM (oh, please...eye roll), apologies from BM from their past fights (yeah, those were good... gag me. Apparently, she used to get pretty physical with him.), legal documents that included both his name her name. I just put it all in a pile (really because I wanted to burn it) and made DH sort his old junk. We kept only things that we needed, and the rest... yep, you guessed it... I burned! LOL Maybe that's why I don't get upset. Hmmm.... a new therapy.
But really, it didn't bother me at all, because at the same time, I was pulling out all of my old stuff too, and going through mine at the same time. Fortunately, I didn't really have a whole lot of my past left, because when I left, I threw out the trash... literally.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I confess
Not only will I not go anywhere with him that he's been with his ex, I want him to deny EVERY part of his life with her, including their kids.
I'm pregnant with our first and I do NOT want him thinking of the three times he's done this before while we're in the delivery room, or at any time during the pregnancy. He brought it up constantly the first time I was pregnant (miscarried) and it hurt like hell.
So I confess... I threw away every picture and drawing and letter he had from his kids. Then I made him take out the trash. He didn't know they were in there, but I tell myself he's the one who put them in the dumpster.
I also went through his computer and deleted all his pictures that BM has emailed and sent from her phone. He of course did find out about that pretty quickly.
I'm sorry that I hurt him by doing this, but I just can't bring myself to have them in our life or believe that anything we do will ever be a "first" because he's already done it with that bi*ch.
Love ya, Fearless!
YOU'RE THE BEST!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Thanks!
That was hilarious! I can sign off now with a smile!
ROTFLMAO!
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I don't have a problem
I don't have a problem listening to stories of his experiences in the past with his exes. He will also listen to mine. I think what we have have gone through brings us to be the people that we are today. If we are open to listening there are some intersesting things that can be discovered and sometimes even help with some of the current issues that are going on.
What I can't stand is the fact that while I understand and accept his past, he can't understand why I don't want to re-enact it.
He is almost begging me to go do something with him(civil war re-enacting weekends), that I know for a fact his ex did and took pride in. The whole time they did this together. He lived the fantasy that he wanted to with her and "loved her even more" for being this with him and for him.
I don't want to walk in her shoes and wonder the whole time if I am reminding him of her and the times they had together. Or if he is looking at me and thinking of her. I much prefer to make OUR own memories, and I don't recall a time that I have asked him to walk in the shoes of my ex for "our pleasure"
Lisa Dawn
No Comparison
I am sure holeekrap that there would be no comparison to you and the ex and that hubby would have the best experience of his life with you at his side, w/o ever thinking of her. Men just don't see it the way we do. Think about it...I'm sure there are places you've been that you know you'd have a whole different expereince now with hubby instead of who you went with originally, right? But in any case, stay true to your gut. If you can't handle it, don't do it. You'll only resent him.
I really got sick of listening to the past .....
I listened to the memories for about a 1 year and then I put my foot down, and of course dh was angry at me, saying I was insecure, what is the problem, and I said that is old news, boring, I don't want to discuss her family, her sister, her brother, her grandma....somedays he would talk about these people like I had first hand contact with them....who cares....it is the fact that men can't let go that easy....but this did get to me, and make me feel, what the h"ll am I here for, the rebound girl, my hubby today loves me and I feel he is sincere, but in the beginning I wasn't so sure....
So, I'm NOT nuts!
Wow... never expected to hear so many different stories. This has been a real eye-opener! And I am so glad to hear that I am not losing it! Even after my embarassing confession to all of you, and coming to the realization that I can't change DH's past with HER... I still found myself telling DH this weekend "No, you never did that before... I wasn't there so it didn't happen". But this time I smiled and giggle afterward, instead of growling under my breath...
I have to confess this too... I NEVER refer to her with OUR last name. I use her maiden name. She HATES that as she made it a point to tell DH that she wanted to keep his name after the divorce, because she didn't want to have a different last name than her son (and if she remarries??? She will keep her ex's last name??? Or what???)... yeah, I do it because it makes me feel better, and it gets under her skin. When I email her it says to "Sally" P. instead of "Sally" F. and she sees it every time, it makes me smile inside. That might be a little too petty and evil... but I don't care.
No, You're NOT nuts!
First of all, love this site! Just found it today and I'm so happy to know that I'm not alone... Regarding the last name thing, I love it! So it may be a little petty and evil but so what? It's soooooooo funny! I wouldn't care either because why? Because DH and his psycho X share the same exact name, FIRST AND LAST NAME! UGHHHHHHH! I know!! what are the chances of that happening? I can't wait until she remarries but until then, I will do as you do and use her maiden name...
chiming in
My DH and his Ex have the same first initial, and she used his last name for a LONG time after they were separated and divorced. (I can't IMAGINE the same first name. UGHHHHH.) It was *really* "fun" to see the joint checking account using the first initial/last name, let me tell you.
I actually understood about her using the name, b/c of her kids--if it were me, it would be a hard call. But you know, still icky. Gradually, though, Ex started shifting to her maiden name and now that she is remarried she uses her maiden name all the time, and I feel so much better. It is a small, little thing, but it isn't. Why do I care? I just do. Not screamingly care, but that little twing at seeing her use DH's name is gone (and the mail with her married name on it has blessedly stopped. It just takes time). Those twinges add up. Something even sillier--Ex's first name is the first name of my all-time heroine (fictional, but still all time). I wanted to name my daughter, if I ever get to have one, that name. I can't tell you how painful it's been to give it up--isn't that silly? I've arrived finally at oh, well. Wasn't meant to be. But I used to get a thrill out of just seeing the name, b/c of my favorite book, and now I have to play this little mind game with myself to not feel that twinge when I see it. I'm hoping this goofy reaction goes away completely with time ... this is truly just one of those jokes that the universe likes to play (ha ha ha 
), nobody's fault, and I just need to learn to deal.
Chiming in again too
No, I dont think it's silly. My heart goes out to you. It would be very painful for me to give that up too. It's nobody's fault but yes, very painful and oh so annoying! Although she never resided at our address when they were married or vice versa, we still get MAIL in her name that comes to the house. It gets cross referenced via a certain credit company that we both happen to use. Although they have completely different accounts they still screw it up and we get her mail AND vice versa...even worse, she opens ours!!! and THEN calls to say oops! she has a piece of mail of ours that was sent to her by mistake and then asks how we liked our accommodations at so and so hotel or "how's those new sheets working out for ya?" Ugggghhhh!!!!! You would think DH would change the credit card company right? Oh no, he's had that card for 15 years and refuses to give it up. Not to mention, we've received other bits of mail such as registration and insurance that was all cross referenced and sent to us or her by mistake too. But I did make him put a fraud alert on all credit bureaus just in case she tries to apply for credit in his name. I wouldn't put it past her, she's crazy. The same exact name issue is a HUGE annoyance to me. Although I know she keeps it b/c of the kids I cant help but cringe. Sometimes I sit there and look at my DH and think, oh I'm sure you and psycho X thought it was so cute when you got married and shared the same exact name. I know it's not his fault but secretly I seethe and think hello??? Marrying somebody with the SAME first name is about as superstitious as tattooing your beloved's name on your body. Thank goodness he didn't do that.
Psycho X is in another new relationship now and we hope and pray every day that he will marry her. Until then, I just need to deal...a very cruel joke indeed.
Wanna Hear Petty???
When I sent the ex a thank you note for our wedding gift...I only sent it by mail to her first name! I couldn't stomach putting his name on the envelope...giggle giggle...I don't give a crap what she thought. If I needed an excuse it was going to be that I was originally going to have hubby hand her the card but changed my mind and there was no room to add the last name (it was one of those teeny tiny envelopes.)
Yep, she kept his name too, while I gave my ex husband his back!
I am keeping my maiden name til hubby starts putting me first!
You Make Me Laugh Bonus Wife
I think we are probably a lot alike! Thanks for making me smile!
Oh, no! Hanging head in shame!
I'm afraid that I, alas, am one of those horrible BM's that kept the ex-husband's last name. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!
My situation was a little different, though. I absolutely HATED using his last name, but he left during my pregnancy and the divorce couldn't be finalized until after the baby came, so because that was MY last name at the time of the birth, it was also my son's last name. And since he left before the birth and my child would never have any association with any of his father's family (he gave up his rights), I didn't want my child to be the only person in his family with that last name. So I kept it for my son, even though I hated it. Luckily, when I remarried, my new husband adopted my son and so we both got the new name.
I know this sucks from a SM perspective, because although my husband's ex had remarried by the time I got him, she had gone by his last name and to this day - remarried for six years now - there are still a couple of people who refer to her with "our" last name. It grates on my nerves. But she goes by a shortened version of her middle name and hates her real first name, so my husband always calls her by her real first name when she gets uppity with him. Yes, it's juvenile, but he's just a man and they never really progress beyond the age of twelve, do they?!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Don't Get Me Wrong
I know that my issue with her keeping her married name is just that "my issue"... Most women (I think) do keep their married name until they remarry- I just HATE the fact. It reminds me that at some point in his life he loved her enough to GIVE her his last name. And the fact that she made it a point to TELL him she was keeping it (even though he could make her change it if he REALLY wanted to) just got under my skin. I don't like sharing a name with her, call me selfish. I don't by any means have an issue with ANYONE else keeping their married name- that is just how petty I have become. So, "IT IS ME NOT YOU, ANNE!"
Just remember ladies
The ex is an EX for a bloody good reason!!!!
Or as I say, exes are like fireworks - once you've lit that fuse, run like hell and never go back!
one of "those" exs
I am one of those exs. I kept my ex's last name because it's my kids last name. Also my maiden name was usually spelled or pronounced wrong. It's pretty hard to mess up "Black" LOL. When I get remarried I will of course use my new husbands name.
I love listening to old
I love listening to old stories....whether it includes his x or not. I missed having him around in his teens, 20's, 30's and part of his 40's.
I think he was a hoot back in his young crazy days....he cracks me up now!
The fact that he refers to his X as 'the cow slut whore' ..... when he mentions her at all...doesn't make me the least bit jealous. ANd he always says...I should've met you when I was 20.
(Problem.....I would,ve been 11. lol)
Things happen for a reason....the past is the past... His X and their history is really insignificant.... He regrets the day he met her...and we're happy and moving on together..bottom line.
I have him now...we have our memories together too...and they are much happier ones!!