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geeps's picture

I was wondering how many custodial Step Moms there are on here? I have been with my little Skids (4 year old girl twins) for the last year. My FDH has full custody. BM wasn't around when I came into the picture until this last April. I love them like my own, I was the only mom they knew until BM showed up again. She sees them a total of 4 overnights a month and 4 half-day visits a month. A total (at most) of 8 days a month.

I read a lot on here that applies to me, but at the same time I read things that worry me. Such as Step Moms that have raised little ones from toddlers (or babies) who suddenly change to total "BM" loyalty as they grow up. Will my little sweeties change as they grow older and my position in their life change? I would be devastated to play the largest "mom" role in their life and have it turn suddenly.

I adore these children as my own and my family has fully accepted them as a real part of our family. Honestly, they spend more time with my family then DH's and BM's family is non-existent. They spend time with my mom, brothers, sister, niece and cousins (I have a BIG fam) on a weekly basis. I applaud my family for being more than thrilled to have two little wonderful girls added to the family.

Tell me this won't change. They are my angels!

StepMadre's picture

This is so true! I experienced the same thing. When I was first a member I was at my worst place emotionally in my step-experience (hence the online search for a step-parent venting site!). I ranted about my skids and got out a lot of frustration, got a lot of support and great advice. I've been a member for a while and my life has drastically improved since then. I feel a lot better about my skids and my relationship with them now is, for the most part, really good.

This is a site SPECIFICALLY FOR STEP-PARENTS. and FOR VENTING. Ipso facto, you will get step-parents who are at various stages and places emotionally and they have a right to vent, express themselves honestly and get the support and advice they need. If you are a genuine SM and join the site with the honest desire to express yourself and get support and advice, you will quickly realize that there is an abundance of understanding and support from OTHER SMs and the few cool BMs who are also SMs and understand both perspectives. Ignore the haters and they go away eventually...

PoisonApples's picture

(BTW, you probably won't find much support for your situation here. Most Smoms here can't stand their skids and want them away as much as possible. Just a warning...)

I agree with Dorothy, Katrinkie and crystal.

BlendedFam is a self-righteous cow who accuses everyone of hating their skids and of being 'bitter and miserable', whether they've ever expressed such feelings or not.

Usually a post from BlendedFam is immediately followed by identical supporting posts from shootingstars, lifeisshort and the newly joined spinknottle all spouting the same lies about most stepmothers on this site, all making the same unfounded accusations. Watch 'them' carefully. I don't believe they are who they claim to be.

You can find amazing support on this site and some real eye opening blogs as well.

Most Evil's picture

I too think these people that you mention are former members using a different identity here to cause problems. I do not even read what they say once I realize who it is.

PoisonApples's picture

Well, maybe, but BlendedFam claims she has an IQ of 170 so surely she'd be smart enough to wait a few days before replying to one of them if she got 2 pms from the same person on the same day to 2 different users.

Anyway, I don't know if they are the same person or not. I AM sure that they are of the same 'group'. BlendedFam screwed up and let it slip that she was on the Barbie site (the one where all the members came back here and caused problems pretending to be people they weren't) yet the personality she displays here is NOT one that would have fit in there. Plus, they post after each other and all say EXACTLY the same things. Not only that but they pat each other on the back all the time.

Whether they are all the same person or different people doesn't really matter though. What matters is that they are only here to cause trouble, not to vent or get help or share.

spinknottle's picture

Hi!!! Spink here -- I'm a stepmom........I don't lie. I find your accusations offensive. I've only posted on a couple of threads.......but thanks!!

Jsmom's picture

If any of the stories on here are an inclination, it will when they get to be teenagers. It sucks, but it is what it is. We are step-moms not their moms. No matter what we may think.

aggravated1's picture

I wouldn't say it always changes, but it has been known to happen. It seems to be in direct connection to how much influence their birth parent has on their lives and if they are vindictive and spiteful enough to work on a kid to the point that it happens. Maybe with you being custodial though, the odds are in your favor.

Last-Wife's picture

i have been a cusodial stepmom since my skids were 3,4 and 6. They are now 18, almost 16, and almost 15. Princess 18, went through a phase where she didn't want me to "mom" her. She turned back to her bio-mom, and after getting burned too many times, she has now "returned" to me and thanked me profusely for all the things I have done for her. She just mailed my parents the most wonferful letter, thanking thme for their love and support.

I'm thinking teenage boys- bio or skid- don't want any type of mom. They just want food and clean clothes to magically appear! LOL

My skids and I have a pretty good relationship, even though they get on my nerves sometimes. That doesn't mean I don't love them...

You can PM me if you want. I've been doing this custodial stepmom thing for a LONG time...

epgr's picture

"I'm thinking teenage boys- bio or skid- don't want any type of mom. They just want food and clean clothes to magically appear! "
My kids--step and bio--all HATE when I tell them clothes and food do not magically appear

geeps's picture

What worries me the most is that I consider them my girls and even their BM recognizes (to her slight dismay) that I am more their mom than she is. Although, I do know in my heart I'm not their MOM. My SD4's have a terminal illness (possible future cure). I would hurt so bad to lose them in the teenage stage (when the terminal sets in) with them shunning me as mom. Sad

LizGrace65's picture

I was custodial for 6 years, until 2 weeks ago. SS stormed out and moved in with BM, and we are not speaking. I was his closest parental figure while he was with me - he barely saw BM, and SO isn't the touchy feely type.

So you could say my situation is your worst nightmare - I did everything for SS, treated him as my own, and honestly most people didn't realize I was the SM (a decent number of people actually *asked* why he called me by my first name, thinking I couldn't be the SM, considering how close we were). And now he has run back to BM because she'll let him do whatever he wants, whereas SO and I believe appropriate limits and boundaries prepare him for his future.

But here's the thing - I'm ok. I have no regrets.

You can't decide how to feel about the kids. They're kids. They need you. You do what you do. And your feelings evolve for them. You're not the bio, you're something different, and that's very special. They have a BM, and a BD, and they have you, and you can be whatever you want to be to them.

They are kids. They're selfish, foolish, unappreciative - but they're supposed to be that way. If they ended up in your path, do what you can do to help them grow. Feel as much as you can, and share as much as you can.

Don't worry about the future. Even if the worst happens, you will *not* regret what you've done for a child out of love and selflessness.

I speak from experience. Smile

L

mom2five's picture

Great post! Exactly how I feel! I think too often we forget that kids aren't just little adults. They think differently. They don't have the life experience that we do. My stepkids decided to move in with us a few years ago. I would be heartbroken if they changed their minds and moved back in with their mother. But I would know that while they were with me, I did everything I could to support and nurture them. And hopefully, they'll remember how much they are loved regardless of whose home they choose to live in.

prayerhelps's picture

Totally agree. Similar situation here. DH and I set boundaries and parent, whereas as BM lets SD's (19&17) do whatever they want, once she came back into the picture. All you can do, with any kid, whether they are your BIo or step, is do the best you can to raise them to be responsible, hard-working adults. If you expect things to be great all the time, don't become a parent. It is had work and the most important job you will ever have. Do I have a good relationship w/my SD's right now? No. But I still love them and will be here for them for advice and guidance when they want it. And I pray that one day they will see that me and DH weren't mean parents trying to hold them down. We were just trying to do the best by them

Pantera's picture

I was a custodial stepparent. Things turned to crap. SS goes to BM's 3 overnights a month (and thats when she's doing good). I say enjoy it. They may change, they may not. Don't worry while your in the moment, enjoy it while you can.

mmc's picture

definately enjoy it today and just do the best you can. i think every case different, depending on how much the BM is willing to be a "mom".

epgr's picture

my skids are SS13 and SD11 (almost 12).. DH has had custody since they were 5 and 4.. and before that they came ALOT because they are inconvient to their BM.
Over the past 8ish yrs, I have comforted them when BM would up and move away and not say a word, I went school shopping with them, got them ready for school every single day, with a hot breakfast in their bellies, I have nursed boo-boos, given advice, done hair, nails, read to them, helped with homework and with problems at school... ya know every single little thing that a mom does for her kids..I have been fighting since SS13 was 4 yrs old to get him some help, (BM had partial legal custody and wouldnt sign anything)..BM signed off legal custody recently and I quit my job and busted my ass to get him help, had he gotten the help when he was 4 he probably would be in the position he is today.. (he was put in a residental psychatric treatment facility for a wk, he is now going to a partial school, took him to 5 different professionals.. all of them said to lock the other kids and us in our rooms, from the inside, get an alarm for his door and remove any and all weapons to keep us all safe from him, they are calling it a mood disorder, because they can not diagnose antisocial personality in someone 13) anyways I do not hate him, I do not like him very much though and he has earned how I feel about him, SD11 is up my ass 24/7.. I have been the only mom they know, randomly they would go to her house when she was around but no more than 4 days a month.. anyways now BM wants to be a mom (prob to impress her craigslist boyfriend), and they will not even call the house, they call their dads work, they will not email me, they will not chat with me on the computer, SD has a cell phone at her moms and she will not text me.. its not like BM cares that much, she is at work all day, and she never checks emails or texts...but they refuse to have anything to do with me, I expect this from SS, he is not a typical 13 yr old, but I didnt expect it from SD, and it is heartbreaking.. it has been almost 3 wks and she doesnt want to come back here, she will not even acknowledge my exisitance..

iwishyouwould's picture

Ditto. BabyMomma didnt call, didnt see kiddo for a 5 1/2 month stretch. We didnt even know where she was - she told us she was moving four states away then we didnt hear from her for 5 1/2 months, then out of the blue she called to cuss us out and saw him 2 times in 5 months, then we got married and BAM! "I AM THE MOTHER!!!! F you b*tch (me)" stepped it up to 2 days a month, maybe 3 or 4 ...... ya ... dont mind me, dont bother saying "thanks for being so great to a kid who isnt yours, who you have absolutely no obligation to what-so-ever" / "thanks for taking such great care of my son", im just the girl who raises your child, clothes him, feeds him, sends him to private pre-schools and summer camps, soccer lessons, teaches him his ABCs and numbers, instills values and manners in him, buys him toys, takes him to disney land, goes to the pool with him, stays home with him when he is sick, reads to him at night...im just the girl who has the most profound impact on your child. but hey...dont mind me!!! There is no reason at all why you might want to create a working relationship with ME! :? Bitterness, denial, and jealousy. Thats all it is.

midwestmama's picture

I know you addressed this to CSMs, but I thought I would chime in and just say that it's an interesting phenomenon how the minimally visiting parent somehow construes in their mind that they are actually some kind of real parent to these kids. My husband does this (he's had eowe visitation with his son since SS14 was born to his party pal/booty call). This kid is being raised fully by his BM, but my H is delusional and thinks that he has some kind of influence on how this kid is turning out. This sitch is totally different than the "broken family" type, who had established parental theories and roles before the carpet got ripped out from under. Nope. This was paternity testing, kidnapping, restraining orders, police, courts, fines...a complete fn disaster to be honest! There was never any coordination of anything between H and BM.

My point in saying all this is that there is a good chance that your BM thinks (or will someday) that she is somehow effecting the upbringing of these little girls. But the truth is?? YOU are raising them, and YOU will be the main influence. Will they reach an age where they may test your loyalty? Sure. Possibly more than once. But bio kids do this too.

The thing to remember is that what you are doing is wonderful, noble, great, and definitely best for those girls...but if the BM is in the picture, be prepared to be the 5th wheel when it's time for graduations, weddings, etc. and try not to feel offended. At the end of the day you are Not their mother, but it's ok for them to feel like you are "like a mother" to them and that's a nice title too.

iwishyouwould's picture

I have been a custodial stepmom for a little over a year now (ss5) - your background is very similar to mine. Kiddo's mother sees him about 0 to 4 days a month and pays no child support what-so-ever. About the changing.. i dont know, I have had the same thoughts myself. Honestly, i am pretty sure it depends on the personality of your kids, how the bm is, and what your situation is... there is no 1 plus 2 equals 3 on that i dont think. My family is also very close and they ADORE kiddo - he's the only grandbaby so far and my mother and grandmother absolutely DOTE on him Smile . Dont let anyone scare you... There are so many wonderful people on here (many of whom have already responded to your blog) who have not only helped me through many difficult times but who have also helped me accept certain things, mature in my situation, give me viewpoints from an older and wiser perspective (im 22..sometimes im a little slow in the maturity department LOL) and grapple with my feelings. I'm sure you will find many people here who will be a great help to you.

violetforest's picture

I have been involved with the boys for almost 10 years now. they were in Preschool and 1st grade when I came on the scene. Bm had left them with bf to chase after 'several' affairs. She was open about it and had admitted it to many.

She had very limited contact with the boys, did not show up at school events, did not drive the 2 hour round trip to get help for the oldest boy's educational needs, no shows for IEP meetings even after we had rescheduled them around her schedule multiple times. Declined to take her court ordered period of summer visitation with the boys, you get the picture.

She began around the 5 year mark to take her time with the boys but expecially the youngest son. She would often take just him but not the older boy. That is when the claims that I would call her names, yell at her began, issues with claims that we were not taking care of the boys by not getting hair cuts, it got really nasty with her leaving voice mails that were mean that the kids could hear and yelling at our other children on the phone.

She had gotten married and now felt that since bf had the kids by himself for 5 years that she wanted the boys to move with her for the next 5, when bf refused the court battles began and the false claims followed.

I had always made excuses for bm's behaviors telling the boys that she must have had to work and that she loved them no matter what. I was the one who would hold ss's while they cried when bm did not show up for visits. BIG MISTAKE. The boys had been protected from the real story about what was going on for so long that when she began to "pay attention" to ss9 she could do no wrong. We were not aware of the claims that she was telling relatives. She never expressed her concerns to bf other than to claim that I was a whitch that was going to kill all of them.

Heads up there is a very fine line between telling skids the truth about what the other parent is doing and crossing the line to alienation. We got stuck on this side and are now attempting to protect our family and reputation.