Curious if anyone can relate
Hello. I have been reading posts on here for a while and have finally decided to post.
Here is a little background on my family, I live with my husband and our son (1), and every other week we have his daughter (turning 7 in a few months). Husband is currently waiting for his court date next month which will decide whether or not he will be given full custody. Her BioMom is still on friendly terms with husband (I guess?) but she's just been making poor parenting decisions (not looking for work, drinking, leaving her with the aunt or grandmother, etc) that have accumulated to the point where husband thinks it's just a waste of time and money to share custody.
I think my stepdaughter is pretty alright, she's the typical 6 year old. Sweet at times, hyper and messy at times, bratty at times, and she's crazy about her brother. I don't have any problems with her now that she's getting older, but for some reason on the weeks that she's here or the day before she comes for the week I feel...different. I'm talking anxious, impatient or irritated...and I find myself staying in the bedroom most of the time she's here. I put off cleaning the house until she leaves, and I won't cook, I let my husband do it. When he wants to go to the gym on Tuesday nights for a few hours, he pops on Netflix and tells her to behave.
Every now and then when I have the extra money I take both children out for lunch or I let her tag along to grocery shop. Nothing extraordinary.
This has been working out pretty decent, considering when she is here, he is left with no choice but to entertain her, cook for her, clean up after her, do her laundry, give her baths and do her morning routines including getting her to and from school. Takes the stress off of me and I can continue putting 100% into caring for our son (since he never really helps with him, long story short, he's a boobie baby and mommy's boy) and keeping up with my schoolwork (full time student).
I guess what I want to know is does anyone else have these same feelings anxiousness, impatience or irritable when your stepchild is around? Even if they are a pretty good kid?
I take antidepressants but I doubt that has anything to do with it, considering I only feel this way at specific times.
At the moment he does everything for his daughter when she is here,and I take care of our son 99.9% of the time, everything seems fine this way. I actually prefer it this way. But I don't want my husband to think that just because he may end up with full custody means that once that time comes, he can leave me with all of the work of raising his child that HE is fighting for full-time with...
He's barely even working at the moment too, so all he does when she isn't here is watch tv or go visit his siblings. When he starts his new job next month he'll be working during the day, so he will be able to still do everything he does now for her, because he won't leave for work until after she is on the bus and he will be done at work right around the time she gets home.
I guess what I want to know is if he ends up with full custody, do you think we could successfully continue this split-living under 1 roof? Are there any of you living this way successfully at the moment or are there issues with it?
So, the situation is where if
So, the situation is where if your DH's daughter is with you, you kind of hide out a bit. For the most part, you don't mind, since you don't want to take care of her beyond a casual 'aunt' type relationship. And besides, you are taking care of your shared child. Which you also don't mind, even though your DH doesn't work.
So if you get full custody, why would anything change? DH would continue to take care of one of his children, and you will take care of the other.
It's not what I would want for myself, I'd want to have my partner's equal participation in raising our shared child. And I'd want to be a team with my partner so I could have his back (and expect him to have mine) when it comes to raising his child.
But you sound only vaguely unhappy, and even that sounds more about a fear that DH would expect you to care for his daughter the way you for your shared child. Is there any reason to think you would let that happen?
Yes, basically. I just hide
Yes, basically. I just hide out most of the time and continue my normal housework (other than any of her dishes, laundry, picking up toys, cooking...that's all Dad)and I focus on baby and studies like any other week. It is more like an "Aunt" relationship, I'm kind but I only do things for her when husband cannot.
It's kind of a looooooong story, but in short, the baby and I have only lived with husband for 6 months out of the total 18 months that our son now is. So my son and I are super close and set in our routines. I also think my son prefers to communicate in Spanish rather than English, which is why he stays close to me even when he isn't hungry or tired. Husband and SD only speak English.
In the past I DID let it happen, I did everything and everything for SD but my husband took advantage of it and wouldn't help at all and would frequently leave me to do whatever. My anger and resentment built up, and I couldn't take anymore on top of being pregnant and a student at the time, I exploded and left him. When he finally convinced me to come back, he made me very aware that he would take care of all things for her. But I'm thinking that once he gets custody, he'll figure I need to do all those things for her and he can tap out, since I'm the mom. The only mom.
I'm raising my
I'm raising my DD-just-turned-2 in a multilingual environment too. Your child doesn't have a language preference at 18 months the way you're describing. There is language dominance, but it's not until 3+ that they get frustrated because they can't understand/make themselves understood.
Why did you go back? Do you get free room and board while you study?
I may have the wrong idea, so please correct me - it sounds as though you do not promote a relationship between your son and your husband. You like that your son is more attached to you and you want to keep it that way. Which is why I wonder why you went back.
Lol I don't think I am
Lol I don't think I am necessarily against him going for full custody, as we are trying to move far from here once he does. I'd rather get her full time and be able to get the hell out of where we are living than continue EOW and have to stay in the area.
Who knows, maybe my feelings will change once the time actually comes. We'll see I guess.
Please don't fall into that
Please don't fall into that trap. You are seeing it coming.
I don't like what your DH is trying to do. Like many people we read about on this board, he's going to sue for full custody and then leave the kid at home with the step mom while he goes to work. That makes no sense. The kid is better off with BM.
Also, the child is going to suffer if you guys just try to get full custody and move. She loves BM and she is going to suffer.
None of these sound like good decisions being made by your guy. You are going to turn into one of the many unpaid nannies on this board.
I can definitely relate to
I can definitely relate to feeling of anxiety, irritability, and impatience when my SS7 first gets to our house. I am trying to work through it because like you, I mostly get along with him. He has his moments and bad habits but things are generally fine. The biggest problem for me is that we have him every weekend, so I get these feelings going into every single weekend. :/ I feel your pain.
Do NOT get full custody of
Do NOT get full custody of this child. You don't want her full time and your husband WILL expect your help with raising her.
Why are you with him? I'm not trying to be nasty, but you really don't seem sure about whether you want to be or not based on what you're saying.