Clothes
For those that have issues with the HCBM sending the kids (10, 12, 14) over in inappropriately fitting clothes, clothes the kids dont like, etc what is the middle ground here.... We for 5 years have done the whole whatever you choose to wear over from moms, you wear back (we have a couple outfits so they dont have to wear the same thing during the school year twice in one week. HCBM seriously got the GAL yesterday to hold a mediation to discuss this. HCBM got the GAL to agree that the kids should be able to wear whatever they want and theres no mom's clothes and dad's clothes....I'm not keen on the idea since we buy what the kids need and appropriate sizes and the clothes that we have sent over to HCBM's house in the past, we've never seen again.
The kids only ever want to wear our clothes because BM won't buy them stuff they like or they're too worried to ask her. For example, my 14 yr old is a 36c and mom only has 32a bras for her, she has been fully developed for 2 yrs now. Ive purchased bras for 14yr old to take home to moms and I've never seen her wear them back here again because mom is the same size as the two girls and wears their stuff. Trust me, money is not an issue in her household and she gets plenty of CS.
What is the middle ground here because I'm certainly not going to be buying two of everything again because what, mom keeps our clothes out of spite, no one does laundry over there or she wears some of our kids clothes. How can the courts even enforce this and make it a motion!?
The kids are old enough to
The kids are old enough to bring their clothes back and forth. I think it's perfectly fine to sit them down and lay it out:
"You have X number of clothing items here. You can wear them to your mom's house, but we won't be buying more if you forget to pack them to wear here. I suggest you keep at least one outfit here you like, and keep one at your mom's house that you like so that you'll always have something you want at each house."
Then don't buy them any more clothes. They can rewash and rewear the same outfit each time until they learn to keep more at Dad's house. If they complain that BM takes their clothes:
"I am sorry she does that. I recommend that you keep things you don't want to share over here then."
"Sorry, SD, you'll need to
"Sorry, SD, you'll need to get a bra that fits from mom's. We've already bought you two and they disappeared. Guess you'll have to ask Mom to get you some new ones."
They are all old enough to advocate for themselves with BM, and/or make sure they bring clothes that fit back to your house.
We played this game for years
We played this game for years. All our clothes kept disappearing so we made a rule that she had to change into her mom's clothes before going home. SD didn't like this as she got around 10 years old or so. She told us she didn't want to change anymore and wanted to take it home. We said okay go for it but we cannot keep replacing it and to make sure she brings an overnight bag.
We buy all the kids clothes 3 times a year. We do a huge back to school haul, Christmas, and Spring/Summer clothes. SD took her back to school clothes home then she was running low before Christmas but we told her she would have to wait until then. She got angry with us because she "lost" all our clothes and had to wear things she didn't care for. Then Christmas rolled around and she got a ton of new clothes. She was pissed at us for not buying her more before Christmas so in retaliation she didn't wear any of the clothes she was gifted and even picked out herself. They hung in the closet with the tags on and she wore the same outfit from BM's during her whole weekend visitation.
You never really win but if they want to take it home let them. I would set an allowance/time of year where you buy new clothes but it's on them if they have nothing left to wear. It's not possible to keep replacing clothes over and over again.
yeah, I think we just need to
yeah, I think we just need to set an allowance and tell them that they can use their allowance to buy whatever else they want themselves. It sucks because it never mattered before but she has been such a psycho in the last two years that we've spent over 130k on legal bills that we cannot simply afford to keep buying the kids new clothes all the time.
Be careful of this GAL...
Be careful of this GAL...
Just saying.
Yes, this GAL sounds like a
Yes, this GAL sounds like a (very naive) newbie to the stepworld.
I thought the same thing as
I thought the same thing as well and we were told that she is one of the more highly regarded GAL in our county.....*ROFL* Shes been nothing but a worthless cost. we have all these recommendations that the GAL writes up based off what the HCBM fights for, we follow everything to a T and then ex says, well its not a motion, just a recommendation.... I dont have to follow it. All of this is so exhausting.
You may not win
But you are not spending unlimited money and time buying SK clothes.
I have never seen a
I have never seen a stipulation like this added to a CO before. I think it would be difficult to enforce because essentially, the courts would be saying that DH needs to provide clothing at both homes, which isn't acceptable. Child support is meant to provide those types of things, so I feel like DH could argue that if he is expected to provide clothes for BM's house, then that portion of base support should be removed from the CS amount - I'll bet that would shut BM up.
I would wait this out and continue to follow the process you have been following until something is court ordered. Save receipts for any clothes you buy for skids going forward so you have documented proof that you are indeed buying clothes for the kids at your house. If BM contacts either of you demanding clothes, tell her to use her hefty CS to pay for them, since that is what it's intended for. If the kids aren't liking the clothes at BM's, then they need to tell BM they want other clothes; they should not be making you guys fight that fight.
This sounds like a good idea.
This sounds like a good idea. Also, this seems like an overreach of power for the GAL. They are supposed to help determine what's the best parenting plan for the kids, not decide on household rules. You should have the right to make basic rules in your own house, you can set bedtimes, assign chores and tell them what to wear home... yada yada.... you are not denying them anything important nor are you taking anything away from BM. A motion or a GALs word are not the same as a CO. I hope you have a lawyer.
It seems unlikely that this would be backed up by a judge tho admittedly in family court crazy stuff happens...
we do have a lawyer and the
we do have a lawyer and the GAL is making this recommendation for clothing into a CO, we just receiving the paperwork. So stupid.
Go to the thrift store and
Go to the thrift store and buy clothes for them to wear back. Put names inside the bras so SD knows which ones are hers. At this age, all of the skids are perfectly capable of carrying a backpack of clothes. BM is on a power trip and you will need to out smart her at her game. Also at this age critical thinking should be taught. Supply them with facts, get them to think things through and send them back with prudent questions for BM. You don't have to say one bad word about BM, just wonder about the why and how of things and let the skids figure it out.
it's not right that BM takes the clothes for herself Did DH point that out to GAL?
We always bought tons of
We always bought tons of thrift store/clearance rack clothes for SS so this was never an issue, he had clothes in both places. BUT, he didn't care what he wore, some kids are more picky.
I would wait too until it is
I would wait too,] until it is court ordered. UNLESS dh agreed to those terms in mediation.
Re-read what CastleJJ wrote
Mediation is not a court order. Heck I knew a bm who went to mediation, wrote everything out, agreed to it and THEN turned around and said she didn't write anything AND she did not agree to it either. POOF, like it never happened.
Know your rights OP.
Your DH could have told the
Your DH could have told the GAL that he would prefer items such as clothing, toy, books, electronics, toiletries purchased by the mom or the dad should remain at that person's house. HCBM has a right to say what she wants, but so does your DH.
As for the clothes disappearing to mom's house, oh well sucks for them. Either they will learn to start taking better care of their items and putting them away at their mom's house, or they will just have to dress like white trash and accept it.
I dont understand this GAL,
I dont understand this GAL, she has seen how crazy the HCBM is and then the next time, she forgets all the things that the HCBM has done to hurt the kids. When we try to discuss these things, the GAL gets frustrated that she even has to have these unimportant conversations and shuts us out and just wants to appeal to the BM cuz shes exhausting.
Can you request a new GAL?
Can you request a new GAL? Or when your DH is talking with her have him state for the record that he doesn't feel the GAL is being impartial and seems to spend most of her time catering to the BM.
It seems like something that
It seems like something that sounds reasonable...do you think or have you heard of others being able to do so?