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christmas gifts to partners ex

ladybug1974's picture

ok i did post before about my partners ex giving gifts at xmas to my partners familys at our xmas dinner. Another question he wants to buy her and her current aprtner a gift like wine ect.. i dont think thats nessesary . Do you guiys give gifts to your parterns ex ? he said hes just tryting to be nice as her and her partner take care of his kids as they live with them full time, We get them every other weekend. Do you think we should ? i just dont want to start a gift exchange thing with his ex ..  . 

Beenall3kindsofmom's picture

I think the Christmas holiday time puts undue pressure on us all and creates situations that aren't necessarily the best.  Unless you have a very close and positive relationship with the BM and her partner, NO GIFTS! If your DH feels the need to acknowledge them for the holiday, send a nice card. 

tog redux's picture

Hell no, but BM in our situation was a miserable alienating bitch who made our lives hell.  I have a friend or two with amicable divorces, and they don't get gifts for their ex and new partner.

ladybug1974's picture

i found it strange that he wanted to give them a gift, i never did that with my ex . 


hereiam's picture

he said hes just tryting to be nice as her and her partner take care of his kids as they live with them full time

Are they not her kids, as well? Tell him to knock it off, if he wants to be nice to somebody, adopt a family in need and give them gifts.

Geez, if he lets her think that he owes her something (besides child support) for taking care of the kids, it will never end.

ladybug1974's picture

aggreed . yes there her kids too ) i aggree 10000000 millon perfect !!!! this is why im on here he makes me feel like a bad guy for saying certian things. or certian ways i fell like this about the gifts for instance... i like this answer very much 

tog redux's picture

It really does sound so condescending, like she's the nanny who is taking care of HIS kids. 

notarelative's picture

Right now, if I recall correctly, the ex is sending gifts to be distributed at his family's Christmas gathering. If he buys the ex a gift, he's signaling to his family that it's ok to invite the ex to be at future family gatherings.

Step-Libra's picture

Some people don't have boundaries but that doesn't mean you have to let them cross yours. If gift giving or having the ex at family gatherings makes you uncomfortable, say so nicely, and hopefully they will realize it's awkward and respect your boundaries. My best friend still dislikes her DH's ex, after 30 years still let's this woman come to her home for holidays, all the while DREADING HOLIDAYS. Don't start feeling it's just one time and they'll get the hint; nip this in the bud now. You'll be glad you did.

ladybug1974's picture

I wanted him to say something the first time, he said he will after this time. he also said it might not happen this year . i will not go back if this keeps happening is what i said, then he said if you dont go you will ruin xmas, its my family what do i do ? not go ? 

Step-Libra's picture

This is his and thus your family now so you go. Gifts are for kids and close family, not for ex spouses. She's trying to fit in by bringing gifts. If she really felt comfortable coming to his family's Christmas she would just bring a pie. Nip this gift exchange in the bud or you'll resent this more each year. This would be a non-negotiable line, so that no matter what glorious gift the ex brings forth, there is no matching it. Her boundaries are unhealthy. Eventually she'll stop. Her sending gifts for his family to open should be done on a different day than the real family's Christmas dinner. That gesture on her part seems like a jab toward you, or at least a desperate cry for attention. She needs to be validated by her current husband's family. My husbands ex passed away or I'd probably be in your shoes. 

hereiam's picture

He says that you will ruin Christmas? But he lets his ex-wife ruin your Christmas?

At some point, you have to take a stand because as long as you go along with it (and there are no consequences), he will keep allowing it.

He doesn't want to say anything to her; he doesn't want to have that uncomfortable conversation. He cares more about his comfort, regarding his ex, than he cares about your discomfort.

ndc's picture

We don't buy gifts for DH's ex (my SDs' BM). However, we do help the kids buy or make gifts for her. We have less frequently helped them with gifts for their step-dad and stepbrother if they asked (and BM has helped them with gifts for their half-sister, my DD). 

If we were going to HER house for a holiday event we'd bring wine or another hostess gift, but we wouldn't do so if we were encountering her at an event at someone else's home. Of course, we'd never be going to an event at her home or where she would be, either.

DH has an amicable relationship with BM, but they are not friends and do not themselves exchange gifts.  There are boundaries in place, and I think there always should be with an ex. Where to draw the boundaries depends on the situation, and the new partner's comfort level is a big part of that.

Amaddy's picture

I'm probably going to be the odd one out. When my SOs ex and I weren't getting along at all, I still suggested we help the kids look for her a birthday/ Christmas present because at the end of the day the kids come first, and that's their mom. Ive went through so much because of having skids, my own bio two year old doesn't even have a room at our house let alone a nursery. To have their mom or their moms boyfriend get a gift for me to acknowledge that I make sacrifices to care for her children would be kinda nice.

ESMOD's picture

Helping a skid buy a gift for the other parent is fine.. as long as it is just that.. a present from the child.. not a dig at the other parent or their partner.. not a gift FROM an ex etc...

If you have an otherwise pleasantly civil relationship with an EX.. I could see possibly someone might get the other parent a gift.

But, if they aren't close...toxic or there are frequent conflicts.. a gift from an EX? really isn't something a lot of people would want to get.

ladybug1974's picture

thats actully what my partner said , its becaus ei take care of her kids and treat them well and its just thank you ,, i just dont want to start this whole gift giving thing because i feel like i have too. she does drop off  his whole family presents for them to open at xams dinner while i am there. is that ok too ? i just dont know anymore 

Step-Libra's picture

To Amaddy; Your SO's ex Sending a gift for you to open at a dinner with your SO's current wife is inappropriate. The ex can acknowledge you any other 364 day of the year and not be awkward.