Celebrating Conception from past relationship
I think my girlfriend is using Valentines Day to celebrate the date of conception of her daughter from a previous relationship. We have been together about two years and last year on Valentine's she didn't want to do anything with just me and her, and was insistent that we do a lot for her daughter on this day and make it about her. I didnt put two and two together at the time, but her birthday is early November and it seems as if Valentine's Day could be conception. I asked her then why she wanted to make it about her so much and she eventually said I wouldn't understand. Now here we are a year later and she has told her about it coming up and she gets excited and everything. I am almost sick thinking about her wanting to celebrate that day. That seems like wanting to celebrate a wedding anniversary of the husband you divorced, in your new relationship. Her bio dad isn't in the picture at all. What are your thoughts on this? I've never had to deal with such a thing.
I would say it's a big red
I would say it's a big red flag.
Number One, Valentine's Day is for lovers. Yes, people get Valentine's for their grammas and little kids and occasionally even a friendly one for a buddy or something. But making all the plans and the buildup? THAT IS FOR LOVERS.
So she is shoving you out of a holiday that is expressly for the type of relationship she has with you in order to put her kid in the top spot. Any stepparent here will tell you that is a very bad harbinger of things to come -- the romantic partner getting replaced in inappropriate ways by a worshipped child.
Second, yes, it is very, very disrepectful to you to be aggrandizing a past moment of passion with somebody else. She was dismissive toward you, 'you wouldn't understand.' Yeah, there's a note of contempt there. Deadly to the success of a relationship. Just a million kinds of wrong. She would be equally creeped out if you celebrated the anniversary of some hot sex you had with some other woman. But she is exhibiting a lack of empathy (bad sign) by making you endure it.
Lastly, I would point out we were all conceived. How many of us had parents who annually celebrated that moment with us? ZERO. It's just plain creepy.
I would caution you to take inventory of your entire relationship with this woman and see what other signs of lack of empathy, aggrandizing the child, and disdain for your feelings or input you can identify. I bet you will find more. The experienced stepparents here will testify it doesn't get better, it gets worse. These things will cause you heartache and eventually drive you mad. Proceed with extreme caution.
^^You rocked that answer,
^^You rocked that answer, Chief!!
Why, thank you, nice people!
Why, thank you, nice people! ; )
Uh, what? Is this just your
Uh, what? Is this just your theory? Because it could just as easily be as simple as a little girl being really into pink, hearts, and the idea of romance, too, and a mother that wants to include her.
We did something together,
We did something together, the three of us.
I am definitely going to
I am definitely going to confront her next time she brings it up, but when we talked about it last year, she said they had always celebrated it. I pressed a little further, and told her I wanted just us to do something, but that she didn't want to and wanted to make the day special for her daughter, then she hit me with the, I wouldn't understand. I don't remember all of the conversation, but I do remember not liking the way things went when I asked her about it.
"You wouldn't understand"
"You wouldn't understand" could also mean that you wouldn't understand their tradition or a little girl's affection for a schmaltzy holiday.
Dabulls, it is way out on the
Dabulls, it is way out on the flat end of the Bell curve for a woman to turn down an offer of Romance by a boyfriend eager to celebrate Valentine's Day. Take the kid out of the equation and you'd have to suspect she wasn't ready to let go of some past feelings centered on Valentine's Day and as has been beautifully pointed out here in this thread, that alone is cause for pause. Is she ready to be "present" in this relationship?
Now, put the kid back in and flip it around. What would most women do if their boyfriends/husbands told them "no Valentine's Day for you, I'm gonna make it all about my son." They would implode and find this board for the first time, that's what.
It's an absolutely crazy vision. It's just as crazy for you.
^^^I love this response.^^^
^^^I love this response.^^^
Just tossing this out there
Just tossing this out there but is her daughter a rainbow baby? Could Valentine's Day possibly be when your girlfriend lost another baby or when it was due or something related to that?
I understand your concerns,
I understand your concerns, if my DH was to celebrate an anniversary from a previous relationship i would tell him to go back to that relationship. That said, sunflowers brought up a good point, Perhaps you can start off by asking if your SO wants to do something together as a family during the day and then the 2 of you can do something as a couple in the evening. if she hesitates at this suggestion, ask her what her concerns are. Why doesn't she want to spend the time alone with you? Ask her what exactly is so important about valentines day involving the child? If she hedges or gaslights you ask her how you can possibly understand if she is not telling you what is going on. If you still have no success at this point, I would ask her straight out if this has to do with the child's conception. If it turns out that she is celebrating the conception, then I would find a photo of a really attractive ex, make multiple copies and put them all over the house, including one on your pillow and say that you are mentally celebrating the great sex you had when you were together.