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Breaking up with a controlling individual....

JasonD's picture

Good evening everyone ,
Ive posted on here in the past , and here is my current situation. I have been with my partner for the past 6 years. A brief explanation , she was raised in the city , has 4 children , was in a abusive and violent relationship in the past , moved her with me to wales for a fresh start, however , I was only to understand this was a really bad idea. After a few months I came to understand her ways , she is very argumentative, when we argued she would come right up to me face screaming and telling me to hit her ?? I was brought up a much better person than this, only to walk away from the confrontation , even then she was stopping me from leaving , a couple of times I have had to call the police to attend my home and I was happy to sleep in a hotel. She has been violent in the past, however this I can overlook due to the past she has had so in a way , I guess I do understand . In the past couple of years I have grown to understand how fake she can be and ALWAYS acts like she is the victim. I am not allowed to go to a pub, no clubbing , no overnight with work ( which there is a lot of due to overtime )no drinking of any form of spirits , no wine , vodka etc , can only drink either a Friday nigh or Saturday night not both otherwise I am a alcoholic . When she goes to see her family I have to go with her EVERYTIME, I me time not allowed , if I don’t go then “I apparently don’t want to be with her family “ and then arguments starts and then she ends up going . When a argument starts she will go into my step daughters room quoting “ you see this is his fault etc ) and builds negativity “ Ive also by the way had the “ she’s my daughter not yours “ rolling of the tung , I’m used to it now , anyway .... it goes on and on .... finally for the last 3 months I’ve being going to counselling and group session whom have worked brilliant with me to build my self confidence and have took the leap to move on from this relationship . As we rent from a housing association the ex stated “ I’ll get you off this tenancy I’ll take you to court and you’ll be in the streets “ and yes this is a joint tenancy also if I can add she stated “ they would throw you out before me as I am the one with a child not YOU “ for the past 4 years I have been buying ny step daughter a new phone for Christmas this year it was a iPhone 8 on contract , however, my step daughter knows I have bought this already I asked mom if she would take the contract on her answer was “ no I can’t afford it and if you don’t give it to her you will be spoiling her Christmas and letting her down “ which made me feel really down. I am on here just to look for advice if anyone can help. I do believe I am a good person , I drink once a week , I eat healthy I don’t smoke , gym 3 times a week and I work for the government, but somehow she always makes me feel worthless thank you in advance to one and all .

notasm3's picture

You need to ghost this POS and never look back. Her child's christmas is not your problem.

mommadukes2015's picture

Well I mean, Skid is HER daughter NOT YOURS remember? Does it suck? Sure does. Is it your responsibility to this kid? No. It's hers. The kid will survive without an iPhone 8 which I as a 28 year old woman, who works remotely and is on the phone frequently does not even have. I mean really, just put it into perspective for yourself, you're not denying her child a kidney, it's an iPhone. And it's also not your responsibility to provide Christmas for a child that isn't yours unless you choose to do so. If you choose not to, that doesn't make you a bad person. If you WANT to despite all of this, than you're a lot bigger of a person than many people would be.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Why do you stay in this relationship? I can't tell from your post if you still live with her or if you ended things. You say you are in a relationship but call her your ex? The "and have took the leap to move on from this relationship" is unclear to me too.

If you are still with this women, move up the pace of your therapy group and dump this woman. You are being used.

Also, re-evaluate your financial priorities. You are renting but squandering money on an expensive phone contract your step daughter doesn't need. Add financial counselling to your self-confidence "how to dump a leech" counselling.

futurobrillante99's picture

She's toxic and you will not get all of her poison out of your veins unless you go NO CONTACT and shut her and her toxic talk out of your life. Zero contact for at least 3 months or until you are stronger.

CANYOUHELP's picture

OMG, this is way too controlling; you can do better and regardless of her background,-she sounds like she has some anger management issues, as well.

Curious Georgetta's picture

The only people who need adults telling them what they can and cannot do are children.

Your first clue that this was a mistake was the list of rules dictating what you could or could not do. I assume that you were looking for a partner and not a mommy or a minder.

If you are 2 self supporting individuals, you should be free to walk away. If you wish to give her daughter a Xmas gift, that is up to you. But you would be creating more problems for your self
if you give a gift that creates a contractual debt
for you.

It is her mother's responsibility to see that she has the best Xmas that her mother can afford.

If you are unhappy in this relationship, you can just move on; there are some attributes that are so ingrained in people that they can't be fixed.

If you are looking for a positive relationship, do not look for someone who feels the need to fix you. Look for someone who is willing to celebrate
your positive attributes and who knows that to effect real change usually means fixing selffirst.

jollybean's picture

you called her your ‘ex’ so are you already broken up ? I think it’s great counselling and group therapy has revealed the end of this relationship to you, are you trying to figure out the practical side of breaking up with her now?
the housing association would assess her ability to pay rent, is she on benefits (only working to avoid sanctions)? I don’t think you can afford the rent alone, that’s got to be a 4 bed house with you her n 4 kids.
What do think child maintenance is for? if she’s got kids she’s to maintain their needs using that money (including phones)
you keep buying the kid new phones every Xmas, where are they all gone? the old ones , and if you’ve now bought the contract phone as gift for Xmas it’s not activated yet, return it. You are going to turn the SD into her flippin mother if you don’t stop spoiling out of pity. You’ll be responsible for raising another chavvy kid who goes on to make some fellas life hell, if you don’t break the cycle that kid is gonna be an up tight cow who wants everything handed to her on a plate.
It would make no difference if you smoke weed claim benefits sit in front of the tv and drink all day - she still has no right to verbally or physically abuse. no one gives and no one takes your self worth you build it everyday for yourself.

Valkyrie's picture

You seem conflicted and she has trashed your self-esteem. You sound like a great guy, honestly and any woman should be grateful to have you. You do not have to feel bad about realising that you are worth more than how she treats you. You cannot fix her, allow yourself to be happy.