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When is it time to move in

Sparky lady's picture

I’m looking for some advice on moving in with my partner and his children.

 

My partner has 2 kids, 7 and 10. They both live with him and they see their mum EOW at most. Both these kids are special needs and require a lot of attention. I don’t have any kids of my own.

 

We met a year ago and I was quickly introduced to his kids. This all went well and is going well still. Although they require a lot of attention and different approaches they are the most loveliest kids you could imagine. They are well mannered, kind and just simply lovely. Although they frequently try to ‘figuratively speaking’ kill eachother. I more or less completely agree on my partner’s parenting style. I also realise that the fact those kids warmed up to me so quickly is because their mum encouraged it too. Currently I spend about 4 days a week with them one week, and 2 days the other week.

 

Now my dilemma is as follows. The ‘skids’ want me to move quicker then I’m sure I’m ready to do. They keep asking me to please move in already. They also overheard a conversation about me still wanting to have kids of my own (tricky because of my age) and now keep asking when they will get a little brother or sister! I’m not sure I can even conceive due to it never happening in the past, so I’m not too happy they know about the wanting kids.

 

I’ve got my own place and after 4 days with them, I am quite happy to go home and sleep, because it is still exhausting being with them 4 days in a row. I’m wondering if I’ll ever get used to that. I do miss them when I’m not around but also appreciate the quietness. I’m afraid that if I move in, I won’t have place/space anymore to redraw too when it gets too much. I work45 hours a week and some weekdays just don’t want to do a thing but relax. That’s not happening with them around, they require my attention constantly.

 

I’m also slightly concerned that they see me as a replacement of their mum, which I simply cannot, and do not, want to be. Their mum is a nice lady and treats them well, but over the last 2 years has been spending less and less time with them. I know they miss her, but it wouldn’t surprise me she would stop seeing the kids all together within the next few years.

 

also the fact that I would like to TTC soon, I’m just not sure what I should do. Wait another year till my rental agreement runs out, or make the step sooner. I’m also a bit scared it would change the dynamics, as my partner would like me to take on a bit more of a parental role (as in decisions and discipline). I have slowly started to discipline them when I’m spending time with them alone or when their dad is not nearby, and so far so good, but I’m still just the ‘funny auntie’ type. 

 

How do you decide it’s time to move in? Do you follow the kids lead? And does the hectic and chaos ever stop exhausting you? 

 

If my partner didn’t have kids, I would have moved in without a second thought, our relationship is great. I just don’t want to make a decision and regret it and hurt these kids feelings if it doesn’t work out.

 

 

BethAnne's picture

You could always practice what it would be like, without committing. Go away with them on vacation, or even just stay there for a couple of weeks or a month non-stop. Give it a trial run without giving up your appartment. It will not give you a true feel for what it will be like, but it will be more information for you and also help you to agree to come up with areas that need discussion with your partner if you do ever decide to move in full time. (Things like setting up boundaries for what you will and will not do for the children, time that you need to yourself, house work etc).

Sparky lady's picture

Thank you. A trial run sounds like a good idea. We are going on holiday soon for two weeks but the dynamics would be very different from everyday home life.

 

I’m curious to see if all the boundaries we agreed upon will be enforced. This forum has been a great help so far to try to enticipate what would need to be discussed and agreed upon, but I have no idea still have it would plan out in real life for us :) 

Cbarton12's picture

I think if you are not ready to move in then dont. 

You will know when you are ready.

As someone suggested, you can try a trial such as a vacation etc. 

Dont let anyone pressure you to move in if you are not ready. 

lorlors's picture

Knowing what I know now about stepfamilies, stepmothers, BMs, stepchildren..... I think ‘bloody Hell, don’t do it to yourself’.

I have aged a thousand years, suffer from chronic neck pain due to stress and anxiety...I could go on forever. The man might be worth it; his children are not.

Monkeysee's picture

Do you follow the kids lead?

No, no, no, no, no, a million times NO.  Kids do NOT get to make adult decisions.  Move in if/when you're ready, and not a moment sooner.  I think the idea of a trial without giving up your space is a good one, once you're in it'll be a lot harder to move back out if you've given everything up to be there with them.

The dynamic will shift once you're there full time, and you'll likely start noticing things you didn't before you lived with the three of them.  I used to think my DH was the bees knees at parenting... I was wrong.  Having the skids around has gotten harder with time, not easier, and I sometimes catch myself wondering what my life would look like now if I'd run screaming in the other direction.

If you decide to move in, do NOT pick up his parenting slack.  His kids are his to parent, and it rarely if ever works out well when the SP steps in where a parent should be calling the shots.  Your BF needs to be the disciplinarian, and if he's doing something you don't agree with you need to take it up with him, not his kids.

I used to think my DH and I were on the same parenting page, but we're not.  He's been showing an increasing amount of Disney lately, which I never thought he would, and I've been trying my damndest to get it through his thick head that he's not doing his kids any favours by parenting them in such a weak way, not to mention killing off any and all loving feelings I've ever had towards my skids.  HE is the problem, but the fallout will always be between SM and skids, where SM looks like the bad guy thanks to the BP.  It sucks, it's completely unfair, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I think my DH MIGHT have finally understood where I'm coming from, but we'll see... actions speak far louder than words.

Take care of yourself.  If you like your space & the peace & quiet after a few days with your BF's kids, don't give that up!!!

hereiam's picture

I can't imagine moving in with somebody because the kids want it. Listen to your gut.

 my partner would like me to take on a bit more of a parental role

^^^ Yes, I'm sure he would.

He wants you to take on more of a parental role and so do the kids, even BM seems to be pushing the kids onto you. Sounds like they all want you to be the replacement mum. I'd be very wary!