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He said she said...

kayrod57's picture

Is anyone up for a mission? Can you read the below and let me know if anyone is making a point or dealing better with the situation? I'm not going to say who's who, so that your responses are not bias. But let me know.

PERSON 1: So besides your dream you had… why that every time the girls are at our house you don’t talk or show me any affection.. it seems like its always you 3 .. then come our weekend you all of a sudden have something to say? I think its funny because you say you want to try but yet your actions prove otherwise. And when we went to dinner.. your still checking out other females, so not only that you don’t respect me… I just keep asking myself why would I stay with you when I have no reason too? And I know you still don’t love me, that’s another thing I cant get over… not to mention since you fell out of love with me once, it will happen again next time we go through difficult times.

 just plain truth


Well, I’m not going to fully deny everything you’re saying.. at least the “don’t talk” part… and believe me, I struggle with that every time on how I can overcome that or at least deal with it. For me it’s mainly the fact that I can’t tell you how I feel or what I think because you don’t respond well. I’ve asked you different times how am I supposed to feel, at least safe, in sharing my opinions with you when every time I’ve done that you don’t take it well. Yeah, maybe part of that is I haven’t done a good enough job of being constructive but I also don’t think I’ve been demeaning or harsh when sharing my thoughts. It basically comes down to my previous talk with you about being accountable. I notice you’re always on the girls case about everything… don’t make a mess, pick up your stuff, fix this, fix that… put that way… but yet, you take your time with your stuff or addressing stuff with Jack. And again, believe me when I say, I have no problem with you telling the girls to do all that, but when I see you not apply the same standard to yourself, it drives me a little crazy. Like Saturday when you wanted to talk to Emily… I had no problem with you talking to her, and all I said was “be constructive”… I didn’t give you a long list of exceptions of what not to say, but simply.. in other words, be helpful. But you took it as I was going to get offended.

you just don’t notice how you are with the girls sometimes but never with yourself of Jack. Need more proof? Just last night there was all this little pieces of chilli powder on the bed because obviously Jack cant eat something without making a mess… he’s a kid, it’s expected. But yet, you don’t even bother addressing it with him or at least giving him a plate or bowl… or something to help him avoid making the mess. But the girls can be in the room playing WITH your son… and all you can think of is making sure they clean up the room. When have they NOT cleaned up the room? I’ve always made sure of that, not because you want it clean, but because it’s how it’s supposed to be… but I also understand they will understand that it’s part of making a mess…. Cleaning up or putting things back.
Anyway… I don’t mean to go on a tangent… I just hope you understand that I just withdraw myself when I see how you behave towards others but not yourself.. and I would like to see you be a little more accountable or less stringent on others.
Even if all this doesn’t matter to you, I apologize for my behavior… I know it may not mean much but I just don’t want the added difficulty of you being upset towards me.

Well like I said plenty of times…you will never like what I say or how I say things when it comes to your kids… that’s why I don’t engage myself when it comes to them.. I stay away because I know it will just cause conflict.. and I learned just to stay quiet and tell you so you can handle it… I can never put myself out there anymore and involve myself with them because of the turmoil that happened when I did… but anyway.. when there’s no love or trust there’s nothing left even if we do work on our issues… and to bring up jacks mess.. how many times have the kids ate in the living room and made a mess? I never hear you telling them to sit at the table.. and I never hear you saying for them to do chores…all I hear you saying is clean the room.. like really there 10 and 11 they should be doing way more than that.. there not babies… and yet we have to continue to remind them to clean up after themselves… honestly how will they be when there teen agers? What responsibilities will they have?

Well, I don’t want this to become another one of our back and forth “he said, she said” scenarios so I’ll just say that unlike you, I cant get myself to be passive aggressive or vocal in front of the kids or others. Maybe it’s bad thing for me, or maybe it’s a bad thing for you to be able to, but in either case, I feel you’re confusing what I’m saying about how you are towards others and thinking I have a problem with that when in fact, I only have a concern about you not holding yourself to that same standard, ie. Your hair stuff always being left out next to the sink and hairs next to it… should you hold yourself to the same standards you hold me or the girls, that would always be put away. So please try to understand, it’s not that you say something, is that you don’t practice what you preach that’s more of the issue with me.

You’re so wrong and you sound so ridiculous… every time I do my hair I clean up after myself every time you or your kids mess the couch up I fix it.. every time there’s trash I go throw it.. every time there’s trash in the bathrooms I throw it away… every time I see old stuff in the fridge I clean out the fridge… when you cook or your kids cook and leave the stove a mess I clean it up…you don’t notice these types of things because you don’t see it happening.. so your confused on I don’t practice what I preach… you make it sound like I can make a mess but when you or the girls make a mess I say something… THAT’S BECAUSE YOU GUYS DO MAKE A MESS AND I HAVE TO BE THE ONE reminding everyone….
Bottom line so I’ll stop wasting my breath.. I’m done so done with you.. there’s no fixing this and don’t try and talk me out of it this time… I’ll be way more happier without you

notasm3's picture

"I know you still don’t love me, that’s another thing I cant get over."

I didn't read past this. Why does anyone want to stay with someone they do not love? Why does anyone want to stay with someone who does not love them?

They rest is just filler.

kayrod57's picture

I know it's a lot to take in from a third party perspective... but I'm simply wanting feedback as to whether PERSON 1 or PERSON 2 is handling the situation correctly or at least doing a visible effort to be constructive.

ImpishTendencies's picture

What does it matter if one person doesn't love the other? And the other person didn't even deny it.

Who cares who's right or who's wrong. None of it will magically make feelings appear.

If you just want to keep it a draw. There's a lot of useless back and forth statements that mean jack didlysquat since one person doesn't love the other.

moeilijk's picture

Sounds like both people are angry and trying to hurt the other person. It's ok to be angry, but it's not ok (in a good relationship) to try to hurt the other person, no matter how angry you are.

It's important to talk about it. If the other person won't listen, then maybe you need to invest some listening into that other person first. If the other person still won't listen, then that tells you that they are not available to be a good partner to you.

With my own partner, it makes me so frustrated that when he's ready to talk, it's usually when I've gotten really angry and I'm really upset and I really want HIM to listen to ME. And he does listen, but first I need to listen to him. Because he's not a good listener when he's upset, and I am.

So basically, if you are person 1 or person 2, you need to seriously think about why you are even having this discussion. Are you trying to punish the other person, make them realize how wrong they are? That's how I read it.

I hope you decide to take another approach in the future. I think you'll be a lot happier if you start trying to understand the other person instead of looking for things that threaten the relationship.

Good luck.

Disneyfan's picture

I didn't read the whole thing.

But what stuck out is that person 1 doesn't love person 2. Why waste time trying to fix a relationship when you know the other person doesn't love you?????

Any guy checking out ther women in your face is DONE. He's just waiting for you to end things.

The rest of the issues really do not matter. The kids could be perfect angels and BM could be saint. None of that changes what is in his heart.

Time to take your kid and move on.