Boyfriend's Ex Catfished My Child Online
Hi everyone,
I'm new here. I foud this site through an article I was reading and I'm so glad I found it.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and living together for 1.5 years. Right around when we moved in together, his ex wife filed a move-away request with the court to try to take their daughter permanently back to live in the Midwest. The daughter is 9 and for years they have done a week on, week off schedule. She won't win the case, no one gets a move-away order in my state. Plus she has no legitimate reason whatsoever and can't meet the burden of proof required.
Through the ex wife's court filings, I found out that she had catfished my daughter online, connecting with her on TikTok, pretending to be someone else. She did this to get access to my daughter's videos and photos, and then has used screenshots from my daughter's video in her court filings to show that my daughter is somehow "a bad influence". She has never introduced herself to me in all this time, and she hasn't ever spoken a word to me either directly or indirectly. But she was calling my daughter "honey", "sweetie", etc and asking questions about our home, our plans, etc. She has been blocked on everything, once I found out it was her and what she was doing.
My boyfriend knows about all of this, obviously, but he has refused to address it with her or confront her because he doesn't want to look like a bad co-parent with the move-away trial being an ongoing, never ending shitshow. I said fine, I'll confront her. She did it to my child. I have full legal and physical custody so I'm the only one who can speak on my child's behalf. But he says absolutely no, that he will "speak with her about it" after all the court dates are over in February and that he 100% will not consider anything else.
This first came to light last June so I feel as though she already got away with it. He interacts with her at school events and teacher conferences, they sit next to each other, etc as if she didn't do something so creepy and inappropriate.
There's something in my gut that is telling me that he will never, ever stand up to her. My boyfriend and I got into a huge fight last night about it and he called me a fucking maniac for even bringing it up. She already won this round and she chose my child as her victim. He says his only priority is winning this move-away case. Our purposes are at odds here. I'm mad at myself for thinking that a blended family could work when someone preying on an innocent kid who is NOT a party to the court case is ignored and dismissed.
Wow. Completely unacceptable.
Wow. Completely unacceptable. He needs to handle this - it's his baggage that is interfering with your life and family. Since he won't...
I would warn him in advance ONCE that you will take matters into your own hands if he does not deal with it. Should he continue to ignore, then I would defy him, take matters into my own hands, and deal with it myself, even if it includes police involvement if the child is underage.
I mean, really, does the judge know this happened?
No, the trial keeps getting
No, the trial keeps getting pushed back and back and back, so she submitted this "evidence" back in June, it hasn't been admitted yet, but by BF also hasn't submitted any kind of declaration or statement to the court about the circumstances. So the judge has no way to know that this was done in this manipulative, dishonest way to a minor. BF doesn't want to address it, doesn't want to call her out, he says it doesn't matter since no one will see it and, in his words, "it's not like your daughter is going to get in trouble for anything". But it's right there in the public record, available to anyone. But his biggest concern is that he looks like the perfect, amenable co-parent who has nothing bad to say about her.
I didn't even factor in the
I didn't even factor in the public record aspect; in my opinion, even moreso important for your boyfriend to handle it. If he can't support you in something so serious as this, then what? I appreciate that he has fears about the court battle but did he even address it with his lawyer on what best step to take?
I actually called his lawyer
I actually called his lawyer because I know her personally. I explained how upset I was and she said that it won't be admitted into evidence so no discussion about it will ever happen. However, it was already filed and uploaded to the public record of the court case. I agree, based on my limited knowledge of evidence rules, that it won't be allowed to be admitted to the official record because of so many reasons. But she still did it. She still crossed this line and I think the judge, the social worker who is doing their custody evaluation, etc needs to know about it.
Can he use this against her in court?
Can he use this against her in court? Does she know that you know? I'd use it against her officially and do any personal confronting after the case is over. If you are not going to use it in court, I'd still wait until the case is over before you confront her.
I think he could use it to
I think he could use it to show her questionable judgment when it comes to minors. I want to have it documented officially that I know about it and the circumstances surrounding how she got my daughter's video. However, he refuses to do that also. He just won't take the chance of pissing her off. But me? And my child? We don't matter at all.
Can you file a police report
Can you file a police report on her? An adult impersonating a minor to talk to another minor and get details on their personal lives and their parents is harrassment and scary
Your husbands focus is his child and his ex not you or your daughter. What is your focus? It should be your daughter.
My focus is my daughter. He
My focus is my daughter. He has told me that if I report her and start a legal process, then I could be responsible for him somehow losing the move-away case. That makes no sense, either logically or legally, but he's completely unwilling to rock the boat and says it will be my fault if he loses his daughter because I make a big deal out of it.
I reckon this is just him not wanting to rock the boat
He's somewhat stringing you along hoping you'll forget about it so he doesn't have to confront and address it. If he's never really put his foot down before, then why would he now.
i'd be saying to your partner that the way he has behaved shows he doesn't have your and your kids best interests at heart. Your daughter didn't ask to be dragged into batshit crazy exwife drama, its your husbands job to be the middleman and address those issues out of line when they start entering your household.'
my husband was the same many years ago with his kids especially sd's miniwives. All kinds of excuses made, saying I'm overthinking it and over exaggerating my concerns and making sd's to be badder than they really were. Didn't take till a few months later when eldest sd then 23, called daddy fake tears and all guilting my husband for marrying and having kids with me.
after that moment anytime hubby would try the "lets have a blank slate crap" i remind him its not possible with people like this.
Your case wouldnt have
Your case wouldnt have anything to do with his. Your case would be in criminal court and his case is in family court. Criminal = consequences like jail and/or fines for proven criminal activity such as harrassment of a minor and impersonating a minor. Family court is just a way to determine a decision in a conflictual parental situation involving custody or other matters
He is manipulating you and wants you to be docile to BM in hopes that she does not come with more ammunition against him in his family court case but that should be the least of your worry
A partner like this will always put BM first even when she hurts you. You have been warned with this experience.
Also, I'm a law student and I
Also, I'm a law student and I asked a family court judge that I know, who is not affiliated with this case at all but he's very knowledgeable. It's unlikely that a prosecutor would file criminal charges. It's not impossible, but it's unlikely honestly. A DA would say to handle it in family court. I know from firsthand experience that the system allows perpetrators to get away with so much. And a civil harassment case is expensive and very time consuming. I want to put her on notice, but BF says that I need to keep my mouth shut until after all his court dates are over. However, this has already been pending forever because of the backlog in the courts and theoretically it could go on for another year, 2, 3...who knows.
Well it looks like you have
Well it looks like you have made your decision. A cease and desist letter wouldnt do anything. The harrassment and gathering of private information has already been done and completed....
If you have proof of her impersonating a minor and talking to your child asking private questions, this would definitely stand in court. She wont get jail time but you may get a protective order against her and maybe some fines (idk how it works in california but thats how it works where I am). The protective order would restrict her access to you and your child and your home.
Did you report it to tick
Did you report it to tick tok? It's pretty rich if your SO to ask you to NOT protect your child at the expense of his. And that's the bottom line issue. By dragging his feet on this, he's putting you last. I understand the court issue but wouldn't catfishing a minor help his case? How would that reflect poorly on him, seems illogical to me. Step world is full of character disordered people twisting things to "make life easier for themselves". I'd have serious doubts about a long term relationship with this man. One thing I've learned over the 30 years of parenting is that NO ONE puts your child first but a parent. Not a teacher, school, other parents. You have to do it.
Could a lawyer send BM a
Could a lawyer send BM a letter threatening legal action if she continues impersonating a minor? Do we know if those accounts are still active? Kind of like a cease and desist?
I would be careful with BF; it sounds like he is looking for a scapegoat. It sounds like if he loses this case, he will blame you regardless of if you did anything or not. Either way, if BF cannot protect you or your child enough to at least confront BM, then it speaks volumes to his character and his ability to coparent. Sounds like he is the type of coparent to roll over and let BM do whatever to keep the peace.
What does your daughters Dad
What does your daughters Dad think about all this?
BM's behavior should be formally addressed in writting from a lawyer. In that letter the lawyer can write, IF BM refuses to stop, further action will be taken.
I'd also take your evidence to the police ---like tomorrow. See what they say.
*edit to add. GET READY your bm is a pow--it WILL get worse.
Catfishing? I would have
Catfishing? I would have called it stalking a minor... and THAT is a criminal offence, isn't it?
He won't. You should bare BM's ass in court.
Go for her throat.
Have your own lawyer and go after BM for stalking your child. Press charges against BM. If you can, make sure it is all in the court record for this move away order case so when the time is right, you can sit SD down and bare her idiot mother's ass. If DH will not have your back... find a man with testicular fortitude rather than this ball-less wonder.
smh
*nea*
I would.
I guess "tic toc" is the new
I guess "tic toc" is the new devil.. (formerle facebook/fakebook).
Im not sure what recourse there is here.. while it seems creepy that she did this.. it wasn't that she was intending to harm your child.. and that might mean nothing would happen to her. She will claim that she was trying to protect her daughter.. and with a HCGUBM... that will go a very long way in her favor.. not yours.
In fact.. depending on what was on the tic toc... and how it could be percieved... the age of your daughter.. the fact that she was able to contact her freely without you having any oversight of your minor child's online presence.. could work against you.
It's probably a bit of what is making your BF reluctant to go after her on this.. afraid it would get spun in a worse direction..
"So.. in your home sir.. children have access to social media without any adult supervision? Be thankful it wasn't a predator coming for your girlfriend's child sir."
Yeah.. I know.. what she did was not particularly nice.. but again.. she is protecting her vulnerable child.. and "any means" necessary.. at least that is how she will spin it.
This could be an argument if
This could be an argument if it was their child. But it's not. Neither BF or BM can make rules for what I allow my child to do. They can't dictate what I do with my child or any other child in the world. That's the issue.
It could reflect on the home
It could reflect on the home he provides her if you and she live in the same home.. it's not a far stretch to see that if she has no parental supervision.. she could expose her daughter to the same. And if you are going to be offering any supervision of his child.. would you end up applying the same rules? those are implications and reflections that could be an influence on the judge.. and their decision.
I'm not saying what your daughter posted was bad.. I don't know if her profile was otherwise public or private (if public.. then her images were already in the public domain).. But you are a joint head of household and she can draw some correllation.
If your DH's lawyer is giving advice to leave it be.. that is probably what he needs to do.
And, she did cause harm
And, she did cause harm because she publicized private images of a minor without consent. My daughter's account is friends only/private. There is case law precedent that states private social media accounts have a reasonable expectation of privacy. This is similar to "revenge porn", where people publicize private images without consent. Except she did it to a minor who she doesn't know, in furtherance of her own custody case that my daughter has nothing to do with.
How old is your daughter?
How old is your daughter?
I assume your daughter's videos were typical of what girls of her age (i.e. they are not about shooting drugs, raiding banks, maiming people, etc.) do in which case, if BM tries to use them, the whole situation is going to backfire on her.
My daughter is 13. You are
My daughter is 13. You are right, it was just one of those viral dance things that so many young girls take part in. Nothing bad at all.
Sounds like yet another
Sounds like yet another spineless, guilty Daddio you will find all over this site. Some bio dads are guilty of avoiding confrontation with BM at ALL costs, even if it means upsetting his SO even more. If SK doesn't move away, be prepared for years of spying ahead of you. It doesn't stop.
Ok, well then, go to the
Ok, well then, go to the police with all of your evidence.
Who cares what bf thinks. You are not married.
What's with these parents and
What's with these parents and their codependent relationships with their exes? They not only lack healthy boundaries with their ex but they take it a step further by siding with their exes over their current partner/spouse. A good partner will not do this to you. I read somewhere that narcissists are dependent on supply from multiple sources and that is why they always keep their exes overly involved in their lives. They always have to have supply from several people. One person cannot make them happy. Any truth to this?
I've learned a lot of men
I've learned a lot of men that claim to hate the "baby mama drama" actually fuel it themselves.
I am not surprised.
I am not surprised.
BM is super creepy and you
BM is creepy AF and you are understandably very angry.
However...
There is no world where confronting her will accomplish anything. What she did was not illegal, and if anything she will get off on knowing it upset you.
If the judge is not a complete idiot, this should reflect poorly on her in court.
DD learned a valuable lesson on keeping her social media airtight.
Take comfort in knowing BM is a miserable person, and you are taking up space in her head, rent free.