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Boyfriend wants a Mommy for his child

karenavail's picture

So I met this man 9 months ago, it was great, he was attentive and sweet and he drove 1.5 hours every weekend to spend it with me even though he had a 14 year old son at home he was raising. Yes we discussed kids and the fact he had two boys, the 14, now 15 year old he was raising and a 3 year old from a 2nd wife. He has been raising the oldest since his Mom passed away 3 years ago. The 3 year old every other weekend.  He also understood I had ZERO interest in rasing anymore kids, mine are all grown, youngest is 20 so I am done...peace out! I found it odd he spent every weekend away from his child but he insisted it was fine and that his son was ok with it. Alrighty then! 

So after about two months his life fell apart, his sister whom he had been living with kicked him and his son out! I allowed him to live with me for a short period till he could get on his feet. Two moths turned into five, they are now moved out. He did not want too but I could not handle it anymore. I did not have a room for his 15 year old and it was to cramped not to mention the child was annoying in so many ways and ungreatful to be quit honest. 

So here we are 9 months later, he has his own place but when we argue he brings up the fact I do not want the mommy role. NO I do not! He feels I shun his child, gives me grief that I don't want to deal with kids anymore but then later insistes he understands and it's not a problem. 

I do not feel I should feel guilty for not wanting to raise his child. 

Letti.R's picture

He doesn't want to raise his own kid, but expects you too, when you made it clear you were done playing Mommy?
You should be done playing girlfriend too...
Move on.

tog redux's picture

Why are you with this guy? He sounds seriously high-maintenance.

Next time he says, "You don't want to be his mother!" say, "Now you are catching on!"


justmakingthebest's picture

The fact that he had to live with his sister and she got so fed up with him that she kicked him out would have been all the red flags you should have needed. This is a man-child himself. Don't do it.

advice.only2's picture

You were very clear with him from the beginning that you did not want to raise his children. He obviously is living under the delusion that you would change your mind at some point. You need to remind him again that you are not going to change it.

ndc's picture

Why are you still with him when you have this fundamental difference? Keep in mind that the little one could end up with him, too. 

Harry's picture

leving his son with his sister all weekend to see you !   Second Red Flag,  his sister threw him and his DS out.  He does not want to parent his kids.  He would be happy to play lover to you.  And you raised his kids,  

You don’t want to raised more kids, And he has no place to discard his kids. So he has them.  This is not what you want,  This is not going to change until his kids age out.  If you want to see him.  Have fun with him, that ok if that what you want out of your life.  

Iamwoman's picture

My grandmother always said that you must know a person through all four seasons to truly know them. That means at least one year to get to know this guy.

You are nine months in, and you are getting to know him and his flaws. This is who he is. Believe him. 

Breaking up at nine months is nothing to be ashamed of. You gave it a good run, and realized he is a loser and a user... and, Bonus: you still have 3 months left of your year-long trial run to enjoy by yourself if you boot this guy today!

I mean, did he seriously think you would change your mind about mothering a non-related child when you got a whiff of his kid’s dirty laundry, or perhaps he thought you might get a glisteny eyed yearning for food messes and constant teen drama? If he thinks his son is so loveable, then why doesn’t he fall all over himself trying to parent his own boy? I just find it so weird and misogynistic that he believes your gender should make you want to parent every child that tracks dirt onto your clean carpets.

marsaidstep's picture

Run and get out while you can before he brings you down with him. This guy is a loser and a user who needs to get his life together before he gets into another relationship. He will bring you down with him if you allow it. Been there, done that and lived to regret it. He is looking for a woman who will help him out. Love yourself more than this and please know you are worth more than this. I can understand your need for companionship however there are plenty of men out there who have kids and have their life together. This one does not. There are also plenty of men who have grown children or are childfree which would be an even better fit for you who will not use you for money or to raise their kids. Life is too short and there is a reason his sister kicked him out of her house. Also you already raised your kids. It is time for you to relax and enjoy life and not be brought down by a manipulator like this. Sometimes things that are more difficult seem more appealing at first but believe me they are nothing but a headache in the long run. Find yourself a man who has a life together who is also childfree or has kids who are already grown and out on their own.

Siemprematahari's picture

So here we are 9 months later, he has his own place but when we argue he brings up the fact I do not want the mommy role.

Interesting how it took his sister kicking him out, you telling him to leave that he finally put his big boy pants on and got a place to live. He had you and his sister to depend on when that didn't last he had no choice but to get it together. He's looking for a mother for his child and a GF to warm his bed. You are not his mother and no one is obligated to fulfill that role. It is not for you to do so he needs to understand and accept that.

Also, who the heck wants to care for an unruly teenager, let alone play mommy. Your BF needs to effectively parent his son and he may stand a chance but right now, not a chance in hell.

NotThatTypical's picture

So why are you with him? You know what he expects and wants and you don’t want to play that role which is fine. It’s not going to change.

still learning's picture

From his track record it sounds like he never really parented his kids at all but left the child rearing to the women in his life. Mom to the 14 yr old passes away and I'm sure he pawned the kid onto second wife who probably tried but it became too much.  Next he moves in with his sister and dumps his kid to run off and date you. Later he moves in with you to "get on his feet" while secretly wanting you to take over the mom role.  

The guy is a wreck and needs to just buckle down, be a father and quit expecting someone else to take over for him.  No you shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to take over his responsibility.