Boundaries
Hi all-
Having a rough week. Sunday night all hell broke loose with my SO. His "past was discussed" in the midst of what was suppose to be a positive conversation. He gets extremely angry about past conversations and turns into a pissed off bull. I really felt disconnected and the following day stayed home from work just to have some me time and decompress. All of our conversations have been so negative lately.
He reached out to me several times through out the morning on Monday and I didn't respond, I just didnt want to hear it after the night befores BS. He ended up coming home and telling me his father was in the hospital for vertigo....you would have though I would have gotten a phone call, but since I wasn't responding he felt that there was no point. Mature, very mature.
Yesterday I was reviewing the phone bill usage prior to making payment- I noticed a phone call in the morning on the day his father went into the hospital --- to his Ex for a whopping 15 minutes.
Then two more phone calls to his Ex on Wed. We dont have his daughter this week and nothing was going on with her. They both would have told me. If you have read my previous posts, you will know that my SO's Ex is living with his parents....so you can kind of put two and two together.
He received a text addressed to him and his brother that FMIL was taking his father to the ER. He calls her and his brother and of course they dont answer. So he calls the only other person that has been living in his parents house...the Ex. Not only was this wrong and going against our rules for our home, this is this enabling her, keeping her involved with the family, now she will think she is working towards a better relationship with him because he trusts her enough to call for information. No boundaries. Following all of that BS he called her to let her know he received a check for the house insurance....what part of you see her once/twice a week and this can be discussed in person dont you understand. He drew the lines for only speaking to her regarding their daughter. And is this now the begining of a pattern?
I feel hurt and betrayed...great way to start a weekend without FSD. I hate this- when things are good they are good, but when they are bad they are really bad. I truely feel like that woman will always be put before me. And I dont know if I can live like that, or live with worry that this will continue to happen.
I'd have a problem with this
I'd have a problem with this also and I can only imagine how difficult this must be. Your SO doesn't seem to stick to his boundaries and the ex living with his parents is a whole other level to have to deal with.
Is he worth all this aggravation?
I dont know, I just really
I dont know, I just really hope he understands how hurtful it is. Just shows a big lack of respect.
Ex living with in-laws
Wait, BM is living with your future in-laws?! Run for the hills!
lol yes, her apartment wasn't
lol yes, her apartment wasn't ready when they said it was going to be so FMIL offered her and SO's daughter a place to stay. She's moving out this weekend I believe..Its a joke.
LOL i dont think hes enmeshed
LOL i dont think hes enmeshed, i think hes just a moron.
He needs Better boundaries
He needs Better boundaries with her. They aren’t together anymore don’t shouldn’t be acting this way. Her living with his parents is very odd.
His parents have been a huge
His parents have been a huge issue for us, no boundaries, still treating SO and Ex like they are married. And of course I'm not acknowleged as anything but a babysitter LOL...hes cut ties from them except pick/up drop off because FMIL is daycare (WORST IDEA EVER) and emergency situations...other than that we dont communicate. It will be easier once FSD starts preschool. That seems like a life time away....ugh.
It's a shame that his parents
It's a shame that your H mother does not see how this is hurting him and their relationship. I get MIL wanting to be supportive of her grandchild but this attachment to the X is mind boggling to me.
It blows my mind too...there
It blows my mind too...there relationship in its entirety was 3 years...I just dont get it.
Please don’t marry this man.
Please don’t marry this man. It will be so much easier to dump him when you finally get fed up with his. crap. A man that doesn’t respect you can never be a decent husband.
Yes everything is seperate
Yes everything is seperate financially, we are only renting. So there is no ties. This was my first relatioship after my divorce, it is not what i had imagined.
I'm not sure it's reasonable
I'm not sure it's reasonable to set "house rules" for a grown man, in regard to who he can talk to, when, how often and about what.
I get that you want him to set boundaries on his ex, but if he doesn't want to, maybe you should be ending this relationship rather than telling him what he can and can't do. Ideally, if you said, "it bothers me how often you speak to your ex," he would care about your feelings and make changes. But if he doesn't do that, he's telling you something. Listen to what he's saying rather than trying to put "rules" on him to make yourself feel better.
In the end, if he changes to suit you, he will grow resentful. If you stay in a relationship with someone whose level of contact with his ex is upsetting to you, you will feel resentful.
I should have specified that
I should have specified that this was his rule...
Still - he's making the rule
Still - he's making the rule because YOU want it, clearly. Or he would follow it.
I've encouraged him to keep
I've encouraged him to keep open communication about his daughter, because I speak to her as well. That helps things run smoothly for the little one.
I think it is more than
I think it is more than reasonable for you to have boundaries with the ex.
She's not his family and it has to be frustrating for you and him that his parents are so receptive to her.
The fact is their only relationship should be as co-parents, nothing more.
He should be confiding in you, not her. He should never hide his conversations with her. She isn't his friend, she is his daughters mother and that's it.
When his daughter gets to the age that she can communicate with him freely, then his contact with ex should diminish even further.
You are in the right to want boundaries. She's affecting your relationship with your SO by keeping a foot in the door with excessive contact.
Quit hoping he will change
Quit hoping he will change and start acting by applying unpleasant consequences for his failure to change. As for the XW living with SO's parents.... This needs to stop immediately. Or... you need to write off this entire shallow, polluted and disfuntional gene pool.
Move on with your life.