BM has plans today.....
I am currently unemployed and have been spending my time - well - you know - cleaning, cooking, doing dishes, grocery shopping and looking for jobs. We are finding it hard to make ends meet. I am also job hunting.
It's been a really humiliating time and my self esteem is so low these days.
BM gets 1200 a month child support even tho we have have 50/50 shared care. She told tax department she doesn't work (rich family).
Last week she tells us she is going for a holiday overseas over Christmas.
How can someone say they have no income when everything they need and so much more is paid for by someone else?
So this morning my 2 SSs are with her last night and due to come here after school today. Only thing is SS1 is sick. She has "plans" so she can't care for him. If she doesn't work, what sort of plans?? Her son is sick - I mean - cancel the plan!
On the phone this morning, she asked if DH was working from home and he said no but that she could drop SS1 here if she needed to. So guess who is looking after him? Is that OK? I have a problem with DH volunteering my time to help this woman who has made my life a misery. What is going on with that?
It would be ok if she didn't hate my guts and make like I don't exist. SS1 treats me like she would want me to be treated if you know what I mean.
So now she needs me. This woman has no right to ask me to do anything to help her out. DH has no right to offer me to her as a babysitter. I will do it for the child's sake I guess and because I want to support my DH who is super busy today but I am wondering if I will say to DH to tell BM that I am too busy job hunting to try to pay her CS. It's petty and not true but I am sooooo sick of being treated like dirt.
Make a stand now - babysit
Make a stand now - babysit today but tell DH just because you don't have a job does not mean that you are the automatic babysitter and if that is the case then charge BM by the hour!!
I would flat out refuse! Nope
I would flat out refuse! Nope sorry honey i have plans too. I have to look for a job today. "These kids have 2 parents a mom and a dad and I am not them!" Rinse and repeat as needed!
Oh HELL no. Don't babysit
Oh HELL no. Don't babysit for a woman who is trying to screw you over every chance she gets, and is making your life miserable! Rip DH a new one for volunteering your time!!!
Thanks Jouma. Yeap - feeling
Thanks Jouma. Yeap - feeling just ever so slightly furious with him right now but underneath I think I am insecure....
It's a normal feeling. But
It's a normal feeling. But he should be on YOUR side. Not saying he's not, men just don't think sometimes, and just going along with it will make life easier for him. Tell him how he made you feel, offering you up as a convenience for her to use as she pleases. It's easy to feel 'used' by him and her. It's THEIR kid, after all.
I am there for my skids on my husbands time. But if BM wants to 'use' me from now on, there will be a bill coming her way.
I know. I don't mind helping
I know. I don't mind helping DH out when they are supposed to be here. DH helps me with my children all the time (altho way less lately).
It makes it tricky being change over day. Change over is usually after school so that is what we plan for.
I love the charge by the hour idea!!
Seriously tho - what was going on with DH volunteering me to help his exw out of a tricky situation?? It makes me feel a bit sick. Like he is still focussed on her needs. I feel badly taken for granted.
You don't know he was
You don't know he was thinking about the BMs needs... Whenever our BM did that to us, we took the skids, because why make the child suffer with her if she didn't want to be with the kid. It's about the kid, and maybe that's what your DH was thinking. "If my kid is sick, and she's too busy, let my wife provide some comfort for the kid..."
I tried helping BM out by
I tried helping BM out by watching the kids an hour or 2 after school, but it ended up biting me in the butt. She's just as hateful as ever. So I told her she has to stick to the court order from now on. Don't let that woman walk all over you.
If this were me, I'd have to
If this were me, I'd have to let DH know that I would not be available to babysit again without xxhrs notice and being asked. Come on, it's common courtesy. I don't even drop in on my own parents without calling to ask if it's okay. They're adults..who even knows what they're up to or if it's a good time...
Your husband should have asked you, or BM should have. Just because you aren't working doesn't mean you have nothing to do. And let me tell ya, if you don't clarify this, it will just get worse.
How generous of your DH to
How generous of your DH to just assume you would babysit. Did he ask you to do it and you agreed, or not?
If he did not ask you, and you just inadvertantly found out, I would have a little sit down with him and tell him that you don't mind helping out, but you would like to asked, and go from there.
Its tough to be unemployed while BM is off doing holiday fun stuff. Good luck in your job search as I am also unemployed right now and money is tight for us too... times are tough!
Good Luck.
It was only last year she
It was only last year she sent a lawyers letter saying it was bad for her children to be around me because I was undergoing treatment for breast cancer!!!!!
BM has always refused to talk to me.
DH is now saying (by text)
DH is now saying (by text) that he only cares about his son. I spent the last two years asking them both to put their child first.
Ok fine but if he doesn't ask
Ok fine but if he doesn't ask how does he know you are available? ask him that.
He said he just assumed
He said he just assumed because "we are a team"....
ExandCurrent I have done the
ExandCurrent I have done the same thing! DH found out real quick that he better ask before he signs me up for anything! Op I think you also need to ask him if this was anyone else say his mom or sister or whom ever would he just assume they would do it and show up with his little bundle of joy? the answer is NO he would not!
It's about respect & taking
It's about respect & taking someone for granted.
I went thru this with BF. He would just assume i would do things since i am very supportive. He needs to ask you before he confirms with BM especially since it directly affects you. BF told me it is because he knows that he can depend on me & trust me & am supportive of him & the skids. He also understood that taking a partner for granted all the time is not healthy.
To be fair, he asked her to
To be fair, he asked her to get back to him before he committed me. He says he found it interesting to know how she would react to her deciding to let me care for them.
We just had the most almighty row and he said if he couldn't count on me it was over. He also said all he was thinking about was his child....
She has sorted out her day now so as not to leave SS1 with me. Like I never look after them on my own. I do it everyday!
I have no dignity left..
Between the two of them - DH assuming I was available and BM rejection of me (she would rather cut off her arm than leave them knowingly in my care alone), I don't feel too valued right now.
Thank you all for your support. I know I am a good person, a good Mother to my children and that I have value in this world. I work voluntarily to help sick people. Why does it hurt so much - being rejected by BM? I am so sick of being involved with their issues. I care for thier children and I have been begging with them both to put the children first. Now DH is saying I can't be relied upon to care for SS1 and I don't put the children first.
Last time she saw them in my care alone she tried to kidnap them!!
Argh....
You say some stuff that I am
You say some stuff that I am interested in knowing more about. What makes you say he doesn't respect women at all? How do you demand respect? Isn't respect something that is just there or not there? I married him. He seemed so wonderful and devoted. Yes I placed my faith in him. Isn't that what marriage is?
I'm sorry, I don't know the
I'm sorry, I don't know the history of milk - so this is based solely on your response.
"We can't argue and scream our men into submission. They don't hear words. They consider it nagging and they don't respond to that. Men respond to actions, so when you walk out the door, he finally gets the message. That is how you demand respect, by showing him you mean what you say. Usually, leaving does not have to be permanent. Normally, you just want to wake him up. But still, you have to be willing to leave and never come back."
I simply disagree completely! Mt partner and I always discuss issues that we have - ALWAYS!! We have maybe had 2 raised voice arguments in 7yrs, because we agree to express ourselves and talk things through until we are both happy that at least the other sees both sides.
I would never just walk out to prove a point, and I know that it certainly wouldn't be and effective form of communication with many men I know who would quite frankly be appalled and horridly offended by this comment. My partner certainly was!
Didn't you say that her partner shouldn't just tell her to leave? But she should threaten to and then walk out? It seems like there would be no communication there and so yes the partnership/marriage would fall apart.
As I said I don't know the history - maybe he does disrespect women - but I am against this comment just in case this was based solely on milk's original post - which was disrespectful and yes the partner didn't handle it well, but I certainly wouldn't leave based off this one instance. If it's recurring then maybe think of councelling if the partnership/marriage works in every other respect.
Because I am very aware that
Because I am very aware that people take responses very seriously in some cases and you told her to walk out on him!
I got that your response had valid points in it - but to tell someone that men don't understand words only actions is only true in some cases and I read your response as meaning men in general and I disagree.
Yes, it is futile to argue about the same things over and over - but I would never tell someone based on a message board post to walk out on their partner. Give advise - the first bit was good advice.
In general I find that you give good advice, but in this case it wasn't just me that drew the conclusion I did, I showed it to a few people who happened to be here and they all thought it was offensive (the bit that I referred to in the first place).
Well, I'm glad you're not
Well, I'm glad you're not going to get angry because as I said in my original response I didn't know milk's history. I felt I made that plain that this was the reason I put my post up - but sometimes when you write things down the way you would say them out loud, perhaps it doesn't end up conveying the same meaning.
Thanks for saying that you had read other posts by milk - my only worry was that she would read your post and just take away from it the walking out part based only on this one post. As I've only been on here for awhile I haven't seen any other posts by milk - so your advice then makes more sense to me.
I know what you are saying about some women just needing to have the strength to leave the situations they are in - and I in no way meant that in an abusive relationship any woman should stay. But as I said, based off this one post I didn't feel that it was 'walking out' material. But - if other posts have indicated that this is not a happy relationship and hasn't been for awhile then that is different, thus why your statement about having read other posts by this woman makes your advice different, and I wish you had just said so in your last response (since as you pointed out I repeatedly said I don't know the history).
I do worry that people who ask advice from people on the internet sometimes just take whatever advice is given as being exactly what they should do - and I felt that I needed to add a different point of view to yours for just that reason. As I had only that one post to go from, and I felt it wasn't walking out material (only in my opinion) I felt obligated to put it up there that communication is very important and that walking out would not be something I would ever consider to scare my partner into listening.
I know you think that you made it clear you were only talking about men who disrespect women (and yes you quoted your own statements), but as I said I showed it to a few other people who all felt that it meant men in general and thus why I posted.
I'm glad you only meant men who disrespect women lol - otherwise I would be worried about you if you had only met men that would listen to you if you walked out on them!!
So thanks for trying to see my point - and I hope you can get beyond what you were trying to say and see that not everyone read it the way you intended (I say that because I know people who did read it the same way I did - but obviously others read it the way you intended) - and I am glad to see that you meant it only was directed at disrespectful men, as I said I feel you give good advice generally. And based on this ladies history it your advice was sound.
Sueu2 has alot of valid
Sueu2 has alot of valid comments. The threat to divorce when SM refused to bbsit -- all made so much sense to me. My marriage is this & I'm not sure it can change. DH has never given me the respect as Wife or SM so it would take a lot of effort/change on his part. I accepted swins came first but did not think it would be 365 days a year, come hell or high water, anytime day or night, nothing and no one else matters but the twins' happiness. Back then it was 50/50 custody & out-of-sight, out-of-mind worked. Now we have then 100% of the time b.c. BM is too "busy" until the 1st day of month (day she gets child support check from DH).
when she came to the door to
when she came to the door to drop little darling off I would tell her upfront how much you charge for childcare.
Thanks again everyone for
Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and comments on this stuff. It is all appreciated.
Both SSs are here now. We have hardly spoken. I said good morning to them this morning. The younger one said "morning" back halfheartedly and the other one didn't. It's like I am not here.
I think my self esteem and respect for myself has to come from within me first. It's true - I have lost self confidence since I met him and got married. I think that's why the fact he offered my services to his ex was so hard. Even this morning, he took SS2 out for a haircut and asked if I minded looking after SS1. He said he was just joking. I don't want to overanalyse everything but right there, he made everything I said a joke.
I feel very distant from him today. Also feel distant from the SKids and I have lost my desire to create a nice home for them all.
I have always been independent. This has made me reconsider my circumstances.
I have decided never again to raise the issue of a review of the CS we pay. He told me yesterday that she isn't working and he doesn't want to quibble about caring for his children. I have a bad gut feeling that he still sees her as his "real" family. I also think I need to get myself back into a position where I can leave if I need to. In the meantime, we are having counselling.
I hardly slept last night. We have just moved and in the process, I sold a lot of my stuff, furniture etc. I sold my home...and we have been using the money to get by. He keeps reminding me that I am living off him but the truth is that I have contributed more financially to our household this year than he has. I feel quite desolate and despairing. I have gone from wanting to make this work to wanting to make sure me and mine are ok. I feel like I have to start over and the thought of that makes me want to give up...:(
Oh milk I'm so sorry, but
Oh milk I'm so sorry, but remember this, you need to make sure that you and your kids come first to you. The reason is that you know for a fact that your dh and his ex will make for damn sure they little darlings are well taken care and then some. They have made it very clear they are not concerned about you or your kids. Good luck
"They have made it very clear
"They have made it very clear they are not concerned about you or your kids".
You couldn't have said it better. My son is Aspergers. BM used that as a reason to try to get custody. DH has no interest in learning about that. Even this morning, I got an email from the school saying there was a talk on Wed night from an expert in Autism/Aspergers and I said I was going and does he want to come. He said no.
When he first met me, he said he wanted to know all about it. It was a sham....
OMG that is what my son has.
OMG that is what my son has. It is a very strange thing. I have found that what works for my son is no meds (a fight not worth fighting to make him take them) and I have used the practice will make perfect. Meaning I make him practice hoe to do things or to remember to do things. Such as brushing his teeth, he got up to about 10 times in one day for forgetting to brush his teeth.
Wow!! We did ABA 30 hours a
Wow!! We did ABA 30 hours a week when he was young. He was severely autisitic then but is now mild aspergers. He gets by ok but has significant learning gaps still. DH makes no allowances and BM sees it as something her darlings shouldn't be around. He is loving and wonderful. I adore him and I am so proud. We take so much for granted with our "normal" kids. When DS learns stuff, I still see it as a miracle.
Yes- she wrote a lawyers
Yes- she wrote a lawyers letter saying it was bad for her sons to be around him (as well as me having breast cancer treatment). She will never be my friend.
Milk the same thing happened
Milk the same thing happened to my son with the bm she even tried to get him taken away from me saying he should be locked up b/c I let him beat on the other kids. So far from the truth. Yes he punched ss14 then 10 and my son was 12, but my son was only defending himself, sh and both seen it ss14 then 10 got mad at my son b/c he was playing with a toy he wanted so he just punched him right in the face and he before we could get to them my son then 12 punched him back! even the cop said it sounded like to brothers got in a fight and the parents broke them up. But ss14 has always been the bully and still is plus he is 3 times the size of my son and always has been.
Anyway cps showed up and after talking to all the kids told me that it sounds like ss14 is the bully not my son. Yep my bm is very much crazy this was just one thing she tried.
Dh would go with me if I asked for a class like that so he could better understand. I'm so sorry just remember what I said and rinse and repeat as needed ok.
Milk--you sound like a nice
Milk--you sound like a nice person. Don't let that woman make you feel like crap. That letter her lawyer sent to you about breast cancer treatment told me everything I needed to know about her character. She is taking advantage of you. Your husband may feel caught in the middle, but that does not give her the right to treat you like a door mat.
Any decent person would be thankful for a person caring for their children as you do. My bds 3rd stepmama took care of my kids when I was in the hospital, helped them with homework and on and on. I was so thankful and treated her so nice and I made it clear my kids were expected to respect her and mind her.
Concentrate on caring for yourself. You've shown more class and dignity than either of the parents have.
Take care.
Milk, my heart hurts for you!
Milk, my heart hurts for you! You sound like a wonderful mom and stepmom and yet you are being treated like crap. First off, the comment about you living off of him is a load of crap! I can't find employment either and if DH EVER said anything like that to me, my shoe would be so far up his ass! I think he has you seriously confused with BM b/c from what it sounds like to me, BM is the one living off of him and you are the one making a life WITH him. There is a big difference! Second off, he could at least have some common decency and go to the talk about Asperger's. I mean, it is isn't going to hurt him. It is only going to give him a better insight as to where his stepson is coming from and help him have a better relationship with him. IMHO, I don't think that this is a good environment for you or yours and I am terribly sorry that he isn't the man that you thought you married. You are also strong and you will find a job and become more financially stable, and then DH and BM can have each other. ((((HUGS))))
Quick, run out to collect job
Quick, run out to collect job apps or a job fair or the local employment center .... all day. DH can't take issue with that can he?
If you are not home when BM attempts to drop off the Skids ... no harm, no foul.
As for feeling bad about not having a job. I have been there. I was out of work for exactly 365 days when the semiconductor bubble burst. I was RIFd on Sept 20 and my first day of work was Sept 19. This too shall pass and there is a better time somewhere down the road.
I am sorry for the cheesy clichés.
The good news is that you and DH are a team and right now he has your back. My wife had my back for my one year, mid career, self financed sabbatical.
Hang in there.
Good luck.
Best regards,
Hi I know what you mean, The
Hi
I know what you mean, The problem is you have helped in the past and she through it back in your face.
The same happened to us when we had court order number one lol. BM asked if a few things could be changed we changed them as it gave us loads more time with the girls problem was when she then stopped contact completly she used it against us and her argument in court was that we didnt aboyed by it anyway. Of course we kept all texts etc stating that these requests were made by her etc which made her look awful as the courts could see we were doing it to help her but we have never made the same mistake I or my partner will have them extra but the court order doesnt get changed, we will always consult each other first if we can do it we will if we cant we say no.