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BioMom in another meltdown brings up adoption.

gettingthere's picture

I haven't been here for a while because we have had a harsh winter, lots of repairs and frozen pipes ugh so happy it's almost spring!

Quick info

Stepson is 4 we have primary physical and 50/50 legal, we have another on the way (BioMom doesn't know that)and BM lives in another country. BM is 7 months behind on support and now goes about 8-10 weeks between calls.

No contact over Christmas but did call on steps birthday then again the next month on hers (closest calls in a year!) In early Feb she announced for the first time in over a year she will be coming to visit and using her visitation. We said great and my partner and I have discussed what we would be comfortable with considering BM hasn't seen stepson in over and ear and the last time theyspoke he asked her who she was again.

2 weeks after that grand plan she texted my partner saying she just wants to hug her son one more time but maybe it would be best for me to adopt him officially since she doesn't feel like she is doing him any good. This was not encouraged or brought up by us EVER. We have proof thta she has good income just chooses to buy beer, pot, party and vacation instead of sending support. She also has little contact and is not on her meds for the past few months. She admitted to not being stable... I could go on but in the end she kept fishing and asking my partner what he thought and it felt like she wanted him to be the one to say "obviously youre not doing well, yes sign son over." I firmly said we cannot say anything even close to that because she has a history of turning into a victim and everything is my partners fault so I cannot give her this easy out, we ended the conversation with her begging to speak with son the next day and us agreeing just telling her to text when she was off work, we also said this is a big decision that is hers and hers alone but we would support her decision.

We havent heard back in over a week, no call to son.. nothing....
I want to send her an email discussing her plans for this trip and the future (in terms of her involvement) how do I do this without flat out saying "yes you are a train wreck and we would qualify for some great benefits for stepson if i adopted him (education matching saving plans, full medical,practical non emotional things)" we honestly think it would be best for her to sign him over but that is a huuuuge thing to say and i refuse to out right say it to her, it has to be her decision.

How would you respond to her or bring this up again since her trip is in 6 weeks?!

gettingthere's picture

During the texting we did tell her that it was a big step and she should think about it etc, again we refused to push her either way and asked her what brought it up. We think it's a way out of her own guilt, she doesn't want to make the trip to visit and it seems like she wants this to be her first and last trip so she is looking for a way out of all future support payments and visits.
Thank you for reading that whole thing and I think you're right I was just caught up in all the good we could do for stepson in terms of his future, none of which outweighs her being involved but if she won't be either way I guess I just got in my head all the benefits he could get.

Chances are we won't hear from her until she is boarding her plane which is another novel of worry since it's hard to send him with her when he doesn't recognize her..

Thank you for responding!

Cadence's picture

Uh, I think she was just looking for reassurance.

Like when you ask someone "Does this make me look fat?" and they say "noooo, you look great." Or "I feel ugly today" and they say "No, you're SO pretty. I can't believe you'd say that."

I think that the whole "I should just sign him over to gettingthere" was intended to be met with "Oh, you can't do that. You're a great mom and he loves you so much."

I would not treat her as if her offer were serious, because I don't think it was She doesn't take anything else seriously, and she always puts herself first. So why would she suddenly develop a lick of common sense that her son might be better off without her?

gettingthere's picture

That is exactly what I said to my partner but he feels like there is something behind her rant. I think I'll go with my original thought and leave it like another person said as well, see if she brings this up again.

Thank you for reading the whole thing!

Thumper's picture

no no no......never adopt another parents child. UNLESS of course YOU could not have children and YOU decided after contemplation that you want to adopt a STRANGERS child via private adoption.

Partner, as in gay partner? Either way lets say you and your partner marry. And the marriage ends 3 years after the adoption of this child. NOw you are on the hook for child support, health insurance, college etc.

DONT do it---you can love this child without a legal adoption. 30 years ago things were very different. NOW every burp must go thru family court so be sure to save 20, 30K for that too.

Oh boyyyyyyyyy this is a huge no no noooooooooooooooooo

btw we have had this conversation with our bio's already. In this day and age, never adopt someone elses bio...never.

gettingthere's picture

That's part of my frustration, she doesn't even pay now so I don't think I'd care if she never had to again.

twoviewpoints's picture

I don't understand the how on why the adoption would mean SS now gets all those benefits (medical ect.) vs not currently. The child already lives with his father. I would think he's entitled whether or not you adopt him. But the, I know nothing about how Canada works, so I'm just curious.

No, you cant be the one to ask bio-mom, but I see nothing wrong in husband and you speaking to a lawyer and sorting the necessities for the adoption in case BM is serious. The most important par of you, is you need to think hard and be positively sure adoption is what you want to do.

gettingthere's picture

Because stepson is here on a visa (extended, not in danger of being withdrawn) and BM has 50% legal custody he is not considered my dependent therefor my insurance won't cover him and the Government won't allow me to set up a gov supported education savings plan along with other basic benefits like basic medical which we currently pay privately for (not normal up here).

fakemommy's picture

If you got married he would also have those benefits. Is your SO a citizen? If so, why isn't SS?

still learning's picture

Partner? Does this mean you and your SO aren't married? If you're not even married to the guy definitely no.

BM may be a wreck now but I'm guessing she's had moments of lucidity. What happens the next time she cleans up and realizes what a huge mistake she made by giving away her son? I doubt she'll ever go away completely regardless of whatever legal standing you play in the boys life.

My cousin got into meth, couldn't parent and lost her kids. Instead of them going to foster care my Aunt took them in (Bio father was in prison). Cousin spent 5 years strung out while her mother had custody of the kids, then she spent another 2 years proving her fitness and fighting to get them back. She cleaned up and has full custody now, so you never know what's going to happen in the future.

I wouldn't even think about legally adopting ss unless BM died; even then what happens if you and SO split up?

gettingthere's picture

She cycles pretty regularly. Over the years that we have had custody we have heard the same song every few months "I'm doing great now, making it on m own, really focused on getting on track so I can repair my relationship with son and be the mother he deserves" cue marrying a guy she was with for 3 weeks, blowing thousands of his dollars, trying for a baby, leaving new husband, everything is was too much and she needs to focus on herself, gets back with apparently abusive husband tries desperately for a baby then cheats and he leaves her for good....new guy in a week or two and repeat. We are currently just past the "i'm doing amazing, money isn't a problem i have loads and i'll start sending some next week" phase, just entering the first dip.

I don't mean to sound careless or harsh it's just that we honestly have gone through it once every 6 months for years and each time i hold out hope she will actually call every week or two like she promises then months go by with radio silence.

She could flip and try to take him back, it's not a big fear of mine as she has openly admitted many times on social media she regrets having children. Sorry for the rant i just feel torn and lost and feel bitter that stepson is always let down.

Acratopotes's picture

never adopt the child..... she can appoint you as guardian, but Hon adoption is a big no no...
It's not about the CS, it's about.... what would happen if you and DH divorce one day, how would you feel being responsible for a child that's no blood relation to you, for the rest of your life...

I'm sorry but I will simply say, No BM, I'm not adopting, I have my own children.....

Rags's picture

Time to nail her ass for direct payroll withholding of CS and take away any choice she has in paying her CS obligation. All it will take is a request for collection and a review of CS with a request for direct withholding. While you are at it get a judgment for arrears with penalties and interest.

Then and only then consider adoption. Adoption will not clear her CS debt and I for one am not one for letting deadbeats off of the hook ... ever.

A kid should know that even if their NCP refuses to pay CS their CP will do what ever it takes to protect the kids best interests and that includes equity access to the NCPs income.