Stepdaughter and social services!
Hi, everyone
Hope some-one on here can give me a little support and advice as im at the end of my witts!!
Long story short....story so far.
my stepdaughter had her 2 year old child taken away from her care by social services as she is an unfit mother, this was 2 years ago....fast track 2 years and she has had another baby (2 days ago to be exact) It flagged up at the hospital that she had Mental issues and social services had been involved, so now they wont allow her to take her baby home but they will both be going into a mother and baby unit for 3 months.
Last time this happened, the whole family on my partners side decided that they would get involved in the process of adopting my step grandson, fortunatly for the baby it turned out they they were all unfit to look after him and he was adopted by a lovely couple who couldnt have children of their own.
This might sound harsh but im so glad that none of them were suitable to adopt as they all have issues in their lifes,i have a 27 year old stepson who decided he was going to look after his nephew, he lives in a shared house has no secure job and thought that social services would consider him as an adoptive parent, when i questioned him about how he would look after his nephew he just shrugged and said he could get a few mates to look after him when he was at work??????
Do i have to say any more?
All this caused a lot of arguments between me and my partner as the whole family made a decision that i should
be put forward to file for adoption.
Im 54 years of age as much as i love my stepchildren there is no way i could addopt on a fulltime basis, i suffer with arthritis which can put me in bed for few days untill the drugs kick in and sometimes i dont have much energy to carry out my duties in the home!
My partner works fulltime and i guess i spoil him by doing everything else for him, since we have lived together for the last 8 years he just doesnt show any interest in the home when it comes to decorating
cooking or even shopping, he goes to work comes home, i run his bath for him and get his meal ready for the evening then he will fall asleep on the couch untill he goes to bed, i love my partner dearly but sometimes wish he would help a bit more around the home.
He also thought it would be a good idea for us to adopt his grandson!....when i asked him how he would do this exactly he turned around and looked at me.....withought words i knew what he meant!
I told him that i wouldnt take that responsabilty on as i feel that would cause friction between me and his daughter who doesnt realy like me and blames me for taking her father away from her, bearing in mind her father was single when i met him.
She still expects her father to get back with her mother and blames all her insecurities on the Divorce.
I dont know what im going to do if social services dont allow her to keep her baby, i know the same thing will happen and all the family on my partners side will be running for best adoption parent of the year!
This is all getting on top of me already and i dont know how to deal with the next step of this long chapter
Maybe some-one out there can give me some advice on how i can approach this situation as and when it arises.
Oh, by the way the baby does have a father who is as childish as the mother!
I just want whats best for my stepgrandchildren and being adopted by someone other than family is a realy good option in my view.
Am i a terrible stepmother for voicing my concerns?
Please, any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you so much
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Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your comment
I feel much better knowing that some-one out there understands my point of view. xx
Stand your ground. It's not
Stand your ground. It's not your fault the entire family is unfit to adopt and it's not your responsibility to raise your step daughter's child.
Thank you so much your kind
Thank you so much
your kind words do help a lot! xx
If they were all "unfit" to
If they were all "unfit" to adopt the last child, what makes them think they will be fit this time?
If your partner and you are not married he would have to adopt as a single parent. In some places it is easier than others to single parent adopt. He will need a better answer than SO will do everything.
The dad's family (if this baby has a different father from the first) may want custody.
No, you are not terrible for voicing your concerns. Your concerns are valid.
Thank you so much, My partner
Thank you so much, My partner would never adopt as a single parent!
he would want me to be the primary Parent....shows how much he realy knows!
Unless your held his daughter
Unless your held his daughter down and artificially inseminated her you are not responsible for his daughters choices in life. Neither are you there to pick up her slack. It speaks volumes that NONE of his family were competent enough to adopt the baby. Remind him how difficult it is for you now coping with arthritis and the thought of taking care of a baby is just dangerous. What if you dropped the baby due to pain etc?
And stop running his bath. He can do this himself.
Oh, thank you so much! Its
Oh, thank you so much!
Its nice to hear in words what i already thought in my head, but too scared to voice it in front of my partner as not to upset him.....its his children and i dont want to come across as the evil step mother!!!
My dad had something similar
My dad had something similar happen on his side of the family. A niece of his had her first baby at 16, OCS was involved and took her almost immediately after she was born. My dad's sister tried to sign on to keep the child but OCS also thought she wasnt capable. I remember them all looking at my mom for help. She even went as far as visiting the little girl while OCS had her temperorily placed. My mom felt pressured by them but those people never wanted to treat my mom like family. She wasn't like them and she "kept" my dad from being around them and their bad ways. They hated that. Once my mom met the couple she was placed with she knew they were perfect. She still gets a picture now and again but the adoptive parents don't want contact with biomom or GBioMom for obvious reasons.
Anywho...years later my dad's niece was still up to her eyeballs in whatever she was into before because when she had her following two children OCS was there waiting. I believe my mom told me she was pregnant in jail the last two times (real classy type). OCS allowed my dad's sister to take them and another one she had not too long ago.
My suggestion to you would be to find a bunch of other options. Why can't your SD's mom try for custody? Or the dad of the child's parents? You'll be the bad guy either way so don't talk about it except with your DH and try to remind him that keeping this kids around isn't for the best. And he'll say some crap about how they're HIS grandchildren and you will remind him "yes, but your daughter chose not to be their mother by the choices she's made and these consequences are spilling over on to everyone but that doesn't mean y'all need to clean it up" I think you need to remind him that while you sympathize with him, you won't lie to yourself or do a disservice to that new baby by pretending to be healthy/young/ready enough to raise that child. A firm but sympathetic "No".
Thank you so much I wont
Thank you so much
I wont allow any-one in his family to make me feel like this is all my fault for not stepping in, in the past they have blammed me and their dad for not doing enough for them, they are realy hard people to talk to, they shout and wont listen to reason.....so now i will just step away and see waht happens next.
Its gonna be hard!
Thank you so much, You are so
Thank you so much,
You are so right.....Im defenatly not pining for a baby at the age of 54!
As much as i love babys and grandchildren, its nice to hand them over at the end of the day!
And yes, they would try to alienate the child from me by saying .....your not the real mother!
How would i cope with that...i dont think i could.
Its a shame my partner doesnt see it the way i do
This happened w/DH's younger
This happened w/DH's younger half sister who is mentally unstable. Got knocked up, couldn't/wouldn't say who the father is. Everyone put pressure on DH and I to adopt the baby (his niece). We considered it for a minute and went up to see his sister and the child. She was a beautiful baby but we knew we couldn't start over again especially w/a mentally ill mother trying to run the show. We also selfishly did not want to risk dealing with a child who has mental issues stacked against her.
Long story short, a family from other SIL's church who had adopted before stepped up to adopt her. It's an open adoption and there is visitation 1x a month. My 81 yr old MIL gets to see her granddaughter grow up, mentally ill SIL knows her daughter is taken care of. It all turned out really well.
It sounds like the family wants YOU to adopt the child and DH wants YOU to take care of it. Run a bath for yourself and stay out of it.
It annoys and disgusts me
It annoys and disgusts me that this woman keeps having children!
I know it would be very wrong to sterilize her, but holy crap.
How sad that she's popping them out while there are capable, intelligent, normal women out there who are infertile.
This isn't about what any
This isn't about what any adult caught up in this mess wants or doesn't want. It's what's best for the baby. Your SO can't volunteer you to be this child's mom. If he steps forward to attempt to adopt, the case worker will interview every adult living in the house. If it gets that far, that's your chance to say you want no part in it and you don't think grandpa is up to it. Stick to your guns for the sake of the child. There is a loving, capable couple who will give this baby a stable home free from the drama of his birth family.