Autistic SD19 new to home/family
**NEW to this website-never posted before***
My SD19 is autistic, has mental health (anxiety, aspergers, possible personality disorder). She just recently left her BM home and came to live with us (us meaning my husband and I and our 15yr bio son). She just found out my husband is her dad (she never knew who her real dad as requested by BM due to autism). When she came to live with us, it goes good for lil while then it goes bad- she is 19 but acts more like 13/14yrs old, due to cognitive immaturity & autism. So yes shes legally adult but acts like a child, and I feel I'm stuck in the middle, as I feel she can be manipulative to us, dr's, counsellors etc. With our BSon(15) I have always been the disciplinary, the "go to" for everything (dr app'ts,school app'ts, $ etc) my husband has been supportive of our son but is more of the "good parent/buddy" to him-so now I find my husband is trying to have that same relationship with my SD. Now when it comes to the new living situation with my SD she will tell my husband one thing and me another and its like she thinks we don't talk...
I have been VERY supportive to my SD and husband with all these new changes, I have gone/helped her with appointments, school etc but recently while we were at a dr appt she would not disclose all her mental health issues to dr so I spoke up(would not disclose possible personality disorder), which she didn't like (she doesn't want to admit she may have personality disorder) and then she went to my husband and told him I told her school(at college app't) about personality disorder- which I 100% did not- its like she is trying to start trouble between us. Since she has moved in with us me and my husband have fought more in the 2months then we did in the last yr. He is wanting to be the "good guy" and not a primary parent because he has missed out on her life for 17yrs (he left when she was 2yrs old) that he is afraid she will leave again- but then I'm made to be the "bad guy" because I want her to take responsibility for her mental health- she just wants to admit to autism and anxiety - like i feel she is playing the system and us against each other.
So my dilemma is that I'm use to being primary parent to our son, and now we have another child in the house and my husband is not stepping up.... Any advice! please HELP
Ya I agree... I have been
Ya I agree... I have been "pushing" her to volunteer, work ... something! But she is using her disabilities(anxiety/autism) to her advantage- sit at home all day on internet,playing games, waiting to go to college in fall. She has NEVER worked, her mother had her in a "bubble" using her disability as a disadvantage- this kid was ALways supervised...right down to being 18yrs old last summer siting in her moms office daily bc BM didn't think she could be mature/responsible/independent- never alone, and now seems like were teaching/cleaning up BM mess.
SD excuse is her anxiety is to much to work (fear of meeting new people), but yet she has NO problem doing a presentation with her mental health youth group to a school- she actually gets excited about it. Makes me wonder if she is "playing" the system.
My husband seems to think I have some vendetta against her... really I don't just I think there are certain expectations she needs to be responsible for
im sorry i couldnt read past
im sorry i couldnt read past this:
"She just found out my husband is her dad (she never knew who her real dad as requested by BM due to autism)."
why would a disability be reason to deny your child their other biological parent?!? and for your husband to tolerate this while im sure spending fortunes in CS?!?
She was diagnosed at 4... but
She was diagnosed at 4... but the parents went different ways... really they were teenagers when she was born, no excuse but thats what happened- we were reconnected with BM when she was 9yrs old but asked to stay away to autisim. Sorry I know its confusing
Weird it didn't show whole
Weird it didn't show whole msg- heres the rest
When she came to live with us, it goes good for lil while then it goes bad- she is 19 but acts more like 13/14yrs old, due to cognitive immaturity & autism. So yes shes legally adult but acts like a child, and I feel I'm stuck in the middle, as I feel she can be manipulative to us, dr's, counsellors etc. With our BSon(15) I have always been the disciplinary, the "go to" for everything (dr app'ts,school app'ts, $ etc) my husband has been supportive of our son but is more of the "good parent/buddy" to him-so now I find my husband is trying to have that same relationship with my SD. Now when it comes to the new living situation with my SD she will tell my husband one thing and me another and its like she thinks we don't talk...
I have been VERY supportive to my SD and husband with all these new changes, I have gone/helped her with appointments, school etc but recently while we were at a dr appt she would not disclose all her mental health issues to dr so I spoke up(would not disclose possible personality disorder), which she didn't like (she doesn't want to admit she may have personality disorder) and then she went to my husband and told him I told her school(at college app't) about personality disorder- which I 100% did not- its like she is trying to start trouble between us. Since she has moved in with us me and my husband have fought more in the 2months then we did in the last yr. He is wanting to be the "good guy" and not a primary parent because he has missed out on her life for 17yrs (he left when she was 2yrs old) that he is afraid she will leave again- but then I'm made to be the "bad guy" because I want her to take responsibility for her mental health- she just wants to admit to autism and anxiety - like i feel she is playing the system and us against each other.
So my dilemma is that I'm use to being primary parent to our son, and now we have another child in the house and my husband is not stepping up.... Any advice! please HELP
BM was abusive (emotionally &
BM was abusive (emotionally & verbally, however SD says physically too) child protective services were involved a few times. She wasn't technically thrown out, as more my SD left. BM made her to believe that legal age is 19 so SD left when she was 19yrs old and went and moved into youth homeless shelter.... BM obv updated us on situation and thats when my husband said enough and reintroduced him and brought her to our house. I know its REAlly really confusing and complicated ... like most families on here
So, he left when she was 2
So, he left when she was 2 years old and never had any contact with her again until now?
He's her father but they don't even know each other. I'm just not sure her moving in with you guys was the right move and it sounds like BM has taught her nothing.
She needs to be taught some independence and her father is probably not the best one to do it. Are there resources in your city that will work with her to be independent?
And it does sound like she's more capable than she would like you to believe.
BM has taught her nothing
BM has taught her nothing really.... like i feel she is more immature then my 15yr old son. I wasn't 100% on board for her to come with us to, as she has alot of problems, but with her practically living on the streets how could i say no...
We have got her connected with a few services here, but now that shes a legal adult here in Ontario Canada they have put very strict rules for a adult to get autism services, and since she don't want to admit all her issues with mental health she will only get half ass help, as she is only telling professionals what she wants and sinces she an adult we aren't consulted
I personally would not feel
I personally would not feel too responsible for her then, if she doesn't even want to help herself and will not be honest with those who can help her. But, I'm a bitch.
Cat I hear everything your
Cat I hear everything your saying, and have thought/said it myself. Its all so new, and fresh all these changes... Its really hard to "let go" as I know how my personality is- I'm very controlling and have been in our household for years... .but now I know I have to step aside from this situation and i'm finding it tough--but I guess I have to do that if I want to have my marriage and not take on all the responsibility of my SD, and focus on my marriage and our son. The "helper" in me wants to help but I think the controlling part of me wants to show them what they should be doing (DH & SD), but I guess they need to make those mistakes on there own and I can't be responsible for it.
Just to clarify my SD is high functioning autistic.... I think she has the capability to live an independent life but unfort my DH has been absent from that relationship that I think my fear is that he will also sabotage her growth so he can be involved for longer then needed.
Guess I need to bring these issues up at counselling :jawdrop:
My elder son is an aspie so I
My elder son is an aspie so I can relate to this post. I would not second guess what this girl's intentions are or even how much dishonesty there is, due to her various disabilities. In your shoes I would yes put it all onto DH, but also I would get proactively involved in getting the pair of them to get further disability services: he must go to get parenting advice in respect of having an adult disabled child and how to handle autism, on a long term basis for he has years to catch up on; and he must be pressured to make her admit to all her conditions for the purpose of obtaining some form of supported independent living. She is indeed capable from the sound of it of independent living of a sort; but first she has the basic disabilities and secondly, she has the appalling experience of being rejected by her caregiver which, despite her adulthood, will strike at the root of her psyche if she is autistic and she will be reacting like a little child. Now I'm not saying this means her father should take her into his home like a little child; physically and legally she is an adult and must get on in the adult world of work and independent housing. This is where the specialist advice/counseling of him would come in, to allow him to let go of his wish to take her into his home. Taking her in is the worst thing for your child and for the whole household, including SD for as long as she is in it, for the whole point about autism is it is a social communication disorder and she just will not have the emotional or psychological wherewithal to fit into a new group. Which is a reason I really hate your BM for doing this to her -- she knew what a destructive bitch she was being.
I do have to comment on both your SD's parents' behavior in deciding to split her up from her dad simply because of her ASD. This is an appalling excuse and I have never heard anyone in the autistic community promoting this reason for not allowing a kid to bond with a dad. Far from it, the autism community is always banging on about it being better for a team of people to support a child with this disability if only because frankly it is such hard work. Thus the BM again was being disgustingly dishonest in the excuse she gave. And I'm afraid I would say you also have to take off your rose-tinted spectacles about why DH accepted this. I have never heard of a parent of a disabled child agreeing not to see them because they were disabled. This is counter-intuitive. Vulnerability surely prompts any parent to step up to the plate even more. I feel your DH should admit that he made the most dreadful mistake there. Maybe he does, which is why you will have trouble getting him to help her to launch now. But if he's still in any way shape or form thinking he did the right thing by his family there, I would have a problem about that as his new spouse... Sorry to be gloomy about that.
I think you can work your way around this although it must be horrific to be going through, but to do this you need expert help and services -- it will be too complicated to negotiate without the disability angle being fully covered.