Am I overreacting?
I'm not really sure why I'm so upset about this, or if I even should be? BF has a curio cabinet in our entrance way that is filled with those little house/village things. He told me once that when he and BM split up she wanted those, or at least some of them, but he wanted to keep those and he definitely didn't want the set split up. I moved in with him this past Feb. (she had moved out in April the previous year) and over the next several months we culled out the last remaining things of BM's and I specifically remember asking him on the last load she picked up "is that the last of her things?" He said that other than some pictures in the bonus room that they would need to split up, that was it. All their marital belongings were divided and she had all her stuff. So...I happen to notice this past Fri that the bottom of the curio cabinet was empty but didn't have a chance to say anything about it. Last night I said "didn't there used to be something at the bottom of the curio?" He said "Yes, some of the houses but BM took some of them last week." Well, I immediately felt myself very upset for these reasons (at least in my mind)...(1) He didn't tell me anything about it at all (2) she was in my house when I wasn't there (3) he didn't tell me she was in my house (4) he ended up going back on their previous agreement (not to split them up) (5) he didn't tell me about it. Ggggrrrr. I'm honestly not sure why I was so upset. We talked about it and he agreed he should have told me she had been there (no, I'm not worried at all about the ex sex is best thing).
in a word yes
If you trust him then her being at the house with him there should be no-big deal. I didn't want anything of Bm's in my house, I have gotten rid of almost everything by giving it to the kids. When YSD moves out in a couple of years everything will be gone.
I trusted my DH when we
I trusted my DH when we first moved in together but I didn't feel comfortable with his ex being in my house while I wasn't there. I know I would have been mad if she was there and I didn't know about it. I don't think you are overreacting. I would just let him know that you are uncomfortable with it and that next time you would rather know before hand or that you really don't want her there at all. How would he feel if your ex was over while he wasn't there? I would just be careful and not make a huge deal over this.
I think he could have let you know that she was there.....
I mean geez. He would have felt the same way if the shoe was on the other foot.
I wouldn't start a fight over it... But a mention about letting you know shouldn't hurt anything.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
Man ol MAN
i would have fucking lost it -- so over reacting?? hell no....
as far as BMs things in our home ---- well bm was gone at least a year or more when dh & i hooked up, so after i moved in -- if i found anything that belonged to BM, i just got rid of it......... i'm sure she left some shit there to have a reason to call..... and she did one time my response "nope haven't seen it!" then when we moved into OUR house ---- oh man the shit i found in the attic, yep, haven't seen that shit either.....hahahahahaha
it's just typical --- my bm does the same thing stays home with a big fat HO, but can't miss work to take ass gnats to the doctor --- oh wait, that was when she had a job (has been fired like 4 times)....... she sets such a sparkling example of a responsible adult....
I said my piece
Well, I said my piece to him last night and I told him I didn't appreciate him not telling me. I let him know it made me feel like he was trying to hide something from me. I know he probably doesn't tell me these things because he knows how I feel about her, but it only makes matters worse when he doesn't tell me about these things. (I don't scream or yell or rant or anything...I just let him know that it has upset me.) Of course, then I felt like he was angry with me because I said anything but he assured me he wasn't angry with me. Ugh! I just wish she would GO AWAY!! For the record, I asked him AGAIN last night "now that she has gotten those is ANYTHING else left in this house that is hers (other than the pictures they need to split which I will get him on THIS weekend!)" He said no, all her stuff is gone.
BM in your house
=Not okay. I think this is a perfectly appropriate boundary. Your H might not have mentioned it because he knew it would upset you, but I think you guys should work out some ground rules about BM so this kind of thing doesn't happen again. I know my H has done really stupid things in regard to our BM and didn't mention them to me because he knew it would upset me, things that made me seem like the poster girl for psychotic PMS. Once I told him, explicitly, how I felt, we were able to hammer out some basic rules about dealing with the BM. Most importantly, she isn't allowed in our home. I am territorial and I don't want that psycho to step one foot into my living space. I don't think that's unreasonable and my H agrees. How would he feel if the situation were reversed? If I had any of my exes in our house and didn't tell him, he would freak out. I lived with an ex for four years and I still find stuff of his in storage. This doesn't mean that I let him in my house when my H isn't there! We didn't have kids, but this isn't a kid related issue, it's an ex issue.
Also, just wanted to say that, in my opinion, feelings are never wrong, so you shouldn't be hard on yourself for having strong feelings about this. As long as you handle it well (and it sounds like you were very mature and calm) you shouldn't have a problem.
"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32
What's the problem?
Why do you have a problem with this woman? Is it simply that she represents the fact that your husband was in love with, cared for and/or had sex with before you came along?
Or has she done something that really deserves your anger?
How about if you change your mind-set about this woman? Until she deserves being detested why don't you go out of your way to be friendly with her and see what happens?
You are partly right OCC
Believe me OCC, I have examined those very questions And in part, I cannot lie and say that it doesn't bother me some that she represents those things. But I have an ex myself and I move past those feelings by reminding myself that I don't have any feelings for him anymore and I trust that BF doesn't have any of those feelings left for her. And I had NO problem with her in the beginning, and we are still civil to each other, until she started doing things that I felt were dissrespecting our relationship. (calling all the time, just walking into our house, walking over to BF at ball games the minute I walked away and standing there with her hand on the back of his chair, etc.) And to be honest, I don't think she REALLY wanted those houses/villages since that had been decided MORE than 1 1/2 years ago. I think it was just a way she could get inside the house. I am ALWAYS friendly with her (and vice versa), I guess I'm just territorial about what is now MY home and I don't see the need for her to be in MY house when I'm not there, and it bothered me that BF didn't tell me. BUT, I will REALLY try to check my attitude about her.
He may of not said anything
He may of not said anything due to knowing you would get upset.. Yes he should of told you that she was in the house I agree.
On the other hand he may of just given her some of the villages because of his guilt knowing they belonged to both of them prior.
Trust me I have a ugly vase in our house that a woman picked out before we got together. he has told me that I can throw it out but, I wont due to him thinking it gets to me.. But, I can not lie when I clean it gets closer and closer to the edge of the shelf (may one day fall -))
I would let it go but let him know it is not the villages bothering you but the fact she was in the house without you knowing.