All Quiet On The Jinger Front
It's scarily quiet in my home now.
I told DH that I am taking a job in The Netherlands as of 1st Oct. There are going to have to be some changes in our living situation. He was visibly shaken by this, but he said, it's not unexpected. He has asked for time to think about things, make his own decision, and consider the logistics of the situation.
*I told him that going home for me is not debatable.
*He is free to stay with SS12 or move with me. I don't plan to influence this decision.
*I told him I will not be involved in a long distance marriage and would rather consider divorce if he wants to stay with SS- it's the best for all concerned. We can work out the timing on this if it comes to this choice.
Before speaking to him, I spoke to my parents. They are obviously disappointed that things have gone this route, but they can understand and are supportive. My Dad, like some folks here, has said I should delay any divorce and see how things go over six months if he stays in the US. Then I can decide if I want a divorce, want to go back or if DH wants to move. My Dad is an attorney and has offered to help me and DH if we get divorced with costs. He would prefer the divorce is done on the Netherlands as our marriage is registered there also. He just doesn't want a hasty decision. They have also asked that I stay with them before finding a house as I will have enough stress to cope with: moving, new job, Seperation from H and a possible divorce. Also it gives time for DH to consider and jointly find a house on that side.
DH wants to consider where he stands, the logistics of staying or moving and talking to SS and Biobitch because this affects them too. I can understand this need. He did ask if I would consider having SS move with us. I am conflicted by this. I am at the point where the kid drives me nuts, but it is his BMs influence. Away from her, if she agrees (SS too) this kid may have a chance at being a decent person. I know it may work, so I told him yes, I am open to that option. It would mean living on a different town to facilitate his schooling but that is fine in relation to where I will work. So that is where we stand now. DH wants a week to consider and that is fair.
What is worrying is that SS is quiet since arriving. He has been courteous, tidy and decently behaved. There is something seriously WRONG with this kid!!! He doesn't know about my and DHs discussions yet, but after Operation Stepbrat was put into place, this kid went to stay at Biobich and has returned well behaved. I am confused... Anyway so he has me wrong footed at present. Clever clog!
We will see how things unfold.
It sounds to me that things
It sounds to me that things are progressing as well as can be expected. DH appears to be keeping his head in the game (for the most part) and values your marriage enough to work through viable scenerios of your job in the Netherlands.
Good for both of you.
The one thing I question is discussing this with BM. I suppose that likely means he is discussing the possibility of taking your SS with the two of you to the Netherlands. If that is the case, then good for him for taking the direct approach. Kids benefit greatly from an international 3rd culture kid experience. My brothers and I and most of my closest friends were raised as expat 3rd culture kids. My wife and I have lived internationally for the past several years. It is a great experience that your SS will likely benefit greatly from.
Good luck. I hope your marriage remains intact and thrives.
Even though I am at my wits
Even though I am at my wits end with this kid, I do think that removing him from a toxic environment will be of benefit to him. His BM is beyond awful.
I do understand that DH needs to discuss the option of SS moving with Biobitch, can not be avoided and on his part it is the responsible option.
What's Operation Stepbrat?
What's Operation Stepbrat?
OC, I completely disengaged
OC, I completely disengaged from SS, I don't even speak to him or do anything for him. He can not understand any communication I have with my DH because it's not in English- SS only speaks English.
SA, the decision to move is
SA, the decision to move is up to DH. He is an adult and can decide what he wants to do.
SS is already a product of a split home- and a toxic one at that at his Mom's. He already is a casualty. If his Dad stays with him well and good, if not, he gets to split his time. His homelife at Biobitch already has three other ex Stepfathers, half brothers and sisters and a host ex step siblings... Has this kid lucked out? Yes. Some of that rests with his Mom who has brainwashed this kid into thinking I am the enemy. This is not my problem but his. Adults make decisions that impact kids- this decision impacts me too. If he was a half decent kid I may have stayed. He is not. Whatever happens, actions have consequences.
I don't have to communicate
I don't have to communicate with a rude lying brat. If he doesn't know how to speak to me, I will COMPLETELY take away his ability to speak to me. I don't have time to put up with rude kids or having my household business communicated to his Biobitch.
DH can be as suspicious as he wants. I will speak what I want in my own home.
My marriage was registered in both the US and Netherlands. I got married in the Netherlands. I am not going to fly back and forth to get divorced in the US. Besides on this side we can both get representation at reduced costs if it is needed.
Probably for the same reason
Probably for the same reason I am married to DH and not you.
We live in the US, but we are
We live in the US, but we are both Dutch, HRNYC.
Marriage has been registered in both countries so we can get divorced in either.
I would hope he moves. I can
I would hope he moves. I can also understand that his kid needs him. Problem is this kid doesn't need his BM. This women is a vile influence, just a toxic black hole. It's not going to get better with the current custody situation. Long distance with his mom might be what's best for this kid. But of course BMs have all the rights, are the best thing to happen to their kids and children need both parents - I don't buy this nonsense.
Unfortunately, my life is not going on hold for someone else's kid anymore. The current situation is over. No more.
I agree that there is a commitment to your spouse- that should come first. However, I am not staying with a spouse who doesn't believe this. Not anymore.
Jinger, just wanted to offer
Jinger, just wanted to offer my support in your decision making for YOU. I was in a situation of having to make a move and asking then-dh to come with me (and our 7 y/o daughter). He couldn't. He wouldn't. He couldn't leave his mother to move 1500 miles away. He stood at the airport gate crying "I know I should be going with you" And he never did. It was his chance to save his own life and grow up from mama, and he couldn't. But I had to go for me, and for my daughter.
You know what you need to do, and are taking the grounded, lifesaving steps to do this, in a calm way that lays out your beginning plans. Keep on, keep on.
Thank you arjuna79. I don't
Thank you arjuna79. I don't envy what happened to you, but it may happen to me too.
Truth is this is the right decision for me. And like you said, I have to keep on keeping on... Into the unknown now.
Jinger just so you know,
Jinger just so you know, after the mess of the transitions, when you get to the other side of these life-saving decisions, it's an amazing place. Who knows, it might be the wakeup call your dh needs to make sense of his own life. Meantime, you've done what's true for you. Priceless.
I read your post on another
I read your post on another thread, lovn life. Good on you for also booting a rotten situation.
You have to stand up for yourself and take control of your life.
I am proud of you. 4 years may be gone, but your future is yours. No time spent learning a lesson is ever wasted. You will no what you want going forward!!
A toast to you lovn life- to happier days for you!
jinger, i think this is
jinger, i think this is actually a good, positive development.
sounds like your DH actually LISTENED to you and is thoughtfully weighing his decision which actually makes sense. in some ways you wouldn't want him to simply say "im going" because bottom line he does have a responsibility to his son.
living with your parents for a few months makes total sense and gives everyone some time. as i said in another post, you have 10+ years with this man, another 6 months or so wont matter especially if it allows things to work out in the right direction (him joining you!).
if the kid comes too and it winds up disasterous, at the end of the day you still made the move YOU wanted for YOUR job and YOUR sanity. so the kid can either be shipped home alone or he can go home with his dad. your situation in terms of job and home wouldnt change. it would be on him/them to leave.
as for the divorce location, i think the Netherlands makes sense only because you will get free legal representation. it should also be somewhat smooth since you do not have children with this man.
I would love DH to say, yeah,
I would love DH to say, yeah, come let's go!! But his situation is not mine and I know he has to think over his own stuff.
It may be better if the kid comes along. I won't wish his BM on anyone, but who knows what will happen.
We have a pretty comprehensive prenup so it's not going to be too hard sorting out a divorce. (can't say the same for my heart though)
Jinger, my MIL/FIL are in the
Jinger, my MIL/FIL are in the midst of finalizing their divorce, they were able to do it here (NL) very reasonably. Ofc, they got married 40 years ago under the old rules so only a couple of things had to be negotiated.
You've been more than generous, moving to the US and trying to make the blended family work. I know how hard it is to move to another country and culture. And SS has been no treat - and DH hasn't stepped up as he should. You guys agreed to 10 years, it's time for DH to show his commitment to you.
If SS comes over here, don't expect much improvement - I notice most Dutch kids are super-entitled and bratty, and the ones at the American schools or the British schools are kids of wealthy expats. But maybe I'm bitter or just have encountered the wrong kids.
SS would be so lucky to get the chance to move to Europe. Ignore the posters who think the only way to help a kid is to pretend nothing ever changes. They think it's ok for kids to behave badly because Daddy left Mommy, and ok for skids to resent SM because Daddy left Mommy, and ok for skids to stay in their exact same house/school/city their whole lives and never ever ever have new experiences or grow or develop because.... Daddy left Mommy (and Mommy isn't ready to deal). And you know who I mean when I say "posters."
Moeilijk this proves that
Moeilijk this proves that even after 40 years of marriage people can turn around and say: enough (for whatever reason.) Rather sad though.
It may be simpler to get divorced in The Netherlands, court system tolerates far less than it does in the US and anyway, we have a prenup that should take care of most things anyway.
I know that you have experience in The SM business going from this side to the Netherlands and yes there is culture shock and differences. This requires adaptation, but it can be done.
When it comes to "posters" I often view it that it is the BM part of a SM talking- what they would want for their kids. What needs to be realised is that the kid already has a split home. The fact that Mommy or Daddy lives two roads away doesn't change that fact. The original marriage they had is gone and circumstances change. The other Bioparent and the child/ren need to deal with this reality. Life is not going to go the way they want it to because it's what they want or think. There are other parties with other needs or wants involved.
Generally, and this is an ugly thing to say, even I have found a lot of expats and their kids annoying. I have lived in 2 other countries and I find them horrible sometimes- condescending and vile about their new country. The Brit expats were the worst, but that was just my experience. Better to just get to know the locals... If the kids at the British/American schools are horrid, well then SS should be right at home. I have nephews and nieces and friends with kids back in the Netherlands and some of them are brats. I think this is more parenting style than anything. My brother has a 7 year old I would die for! Really smart, well behaved, intelligent kid. Learning to speak English which is just cute.
Absolutely right that it
Absolutely right that it comes down to parenting. I'm Canadian, and you know we are internationally known for our politeness. And you know Dutch directness. I was surprised to find that some Dutch people think my politeness is insecurity! I still find it hard to be as direct as needed to communicate lol. But with the kids, I think the pendulum over here has swung a little bit too far in the direction of individuality vs community.
For me, it was seeing a kid at the grocery store slap her mom's hand away when she was supposed to be holding it. On the other hand, I saw an oma today tell her grandchild to hold her hand and didn't allow any arguments.
Anyway, I hope the DH decides his marriage is a priority in his life.