You are here

Advice about boyfriend's daughter...

confused1's picture

I am lost when it comes to this topic. I have been having a fight inside for the past 2 years with only myself. Since my boyfriend is not willing to talk about this sensitive subject. I want to know if I am being unreasonable, or if this is something i just need to grin and bear with. My boyfriends daughter is 3 years old. He has her atleast 3 nights a week/he works 60-70 hours a week- and is only off one sunday a month. Which he devotes the entire day to her. I absolutely admire this about him because it makes me look forward to kids that we have talked about having, and we have talked about getting married and buying a house. I buy coloring books, playdoh, movies, toys, and it all goes unappriciated by her. He spends every free moment that he has - except for nights that we works very late - with his daughter. I have no problem with this - except he makes sure when he has plans with me and plans with her (on different nights) he will go out of his way to do things on the nights that he would see me, cancel those plans, because he doesnt want to take away from his time with his daughter. His daughter and I have a great time together when we have something to do - such as going to the playground or spending some time at his house. But that usually doesnt last long, she ends up screaming for her mother once she doesnt get her way, has told me i need to check my attitude because i am a drama queen (at 3 years old!!!)- That is just the tip of the iceberg - there have been numerous hissy fits at chucky cheese, the mall, any time she doesnt get her way - its screaming on the top of her lungs - it can be as simple as he goes to throw out the garbage and its 5 degrees outside, she follows him outside - he tells her she needs to stay inside and she screams and wails and throws her hissy fit. Going out to dinner is a fiasco as well - she is between a regular seat, a booster seat, and one of those high chair seats - we need one of each at the table because she goes between all three. It is hard to deal with because he has told me that i need to tell her things and she will eventually listen. We were out to lunch and she was talking about 'bird poop' at the table, and i told her to be quiet because people were having lunch, and she said it about 15 times more, and each time getting louder and louder and laughing. once the 15th time came around, he told her to stop it, once and she got into a hissy fit and cried hysterically - and I need to learn that she is a baby, and that she doesnt know what she is doing is wrong. But to say something 15x and think its a joke, and for him to say it once and its done. It is frustrating - maybe because I do not have children of my own - that i cannot understand how he feels. I am so madly in love with this man and it is so unfortunate that we go through this every week that I see her. I just dont want to spend anymore time trying if this is a feeling that will never go away. He says things will get easier in 2 years once she goes to school - but its not fair to me to have to deal with this if it is not normal. I am willing to work on this as hard as I have to - I just would like an outsider's opinion. thanks....

sheila's picture

alot of what you described sound like basic discipline issues. Things that worked for me with taking care of small children is "time outs", (starting with a short amount of time for her like 3 -4 minutes since they cant sit for long :o), when acting up in public ie: a restaurant, department store, etc ....pick her up and leave. Especially if you are somewhere she enjoys eating, like McDonalds, chuckie Cheese, etc. the 1, 2, 3, magic works good too, where she has until the count of three to correct her behavior or she goes to time out, or another punishment that is suitable,,,,such as taking away a favorite toy or other fun thing she enjoys. I think the most important thing is consistancy with a child that young. Once you start a discipline program, its important to follow thru and keep doing it. it a long slow process sometimes, but it will pay off in the end. Consistancy is key. She needs to know you mean it. i hope some of this helps! I know what you are going through is very difficult.

Anne 8102's picture

My daughter is 3 1/2 and she has always been extremely resistent to any type of discipline... put her in time-out, which worked great with our older son, and she would cry until she made herself vomit. (We're only talking two or three minutes.) I finally discovered the secret to getting her to behave and that is getting down on my knees so that my face is level with her face, telling her to look in my eyes while I'm talking to her and then telling her, once I have her undivided attention, what I want her to do or not do. Then I say, "Do you understand?" I make sure she understands before I get up and let her go. It doesn't work 100% of the time, but darn close. Sometimes it's all about getting their undivided attention, which is really hard to do with a child that young.

~ Anne ~

lovin-life's picture

She doesn't know any better...because her parents aren't teaching her any better! They're not doing their job! My kids didn't throw hissy fits in public too often becasue the few times they tried it...it didn't pay off for them..they got nothing but an all expense paid trip to thier room. Good things come from good behavior and bad things come from bad behavior.

I wanted my kids to be welcome wherever they go. I don't want people whispering ..."Do someting with that brat!!" I know myself, if I'm spending my hard-earned money on a nice dinner out or shopping at the mall or whatever I do with my VERY SCARCE, free time.....I DO NOT WANT SOMEONES SPOILED SNOTTY ILL-MANNERED BRAT ruining the experience for me... just because the parents won't step up and do thier job.

I don't meant to come down so hard on him......but it's a pet peeve with me...it kind of hit a nerve. Sorry.... Smile

PS

Is this a child that others will want to be around...will she ever freinds? I have not invited kids boating, to fireworks, to birthday parties etc...because they are a pain in the ass to be around.

You can buy all the coloring books you want for her...of course she doesn't appreciate them...she has no respect for "things" because she has no respect for decorum, for order, for her parents, for other people, for rules, for right or wrong.....but especially for so called authority figures...who have no authority over HER!! Not a good indication of what the future will hold for her......

My kids understand that WE don't Owe them a ride anywhere..they have buses, bikes and what we used FEET.... They appreciate what we do..because we make sure they know we are not obligated to do any of it!!! And treat us like crap...it's a two way street...why would I do nice things for you...when you treat me badly. That's usually how things work in the real world...and a parent job can be summed up as "prepare them for the world"....

ANyway I'm off on a tangent again...I'm Sorru...like I said ..it just hits a nerve ....with me for some reason... Smile

StressedSM's picture

Alot of this, to me, sounds like typical child behavior. At 3 years old a lot of this behavior is to be expected. It "feels" different to you because she is not your bio daughter. I can think of some really funny stories where my kids would say inappropriate things in public and I would just melt right then and there. Both from mortification of their comment to thinking how adorable and wonderful it is. It can be tough to be a bio mom and a step mom. Temper tantrums, normal - wanting their way all the time - normal. The only thing that I saw that would be totally inappropriate would be her comment "to check your attitude". That would be something that needs to be stopped dead in its tracks before she gets older.

If you BF will allow it, next time she does something that requires disciplinary feedback - bring yourself down to her eye level and explain to her what proper behavior should be and that next time she will have to have time out. "Time-out's" have worked well for me with my youngest son. We give him 1 minute per year (age).. so he gets 6 minutes every time he has to sit in the time out chair.

I think its far too soon to give up. I think if you and your BF can come to terms on discipline issues and what is right/wrong/to be expected, there is lots of hope. You want to gain her respect now while she is young...

IMO, of course. Smile

Good luck!

sheila's picture

Your comment about having funny stories about being in public and having your young kids say something that "mortified" you....reminds me of a story from one of my friends. She has three children and when the middle one was about 3...she was in the grocery store with him and her youngest...who was a baby. She and her husband at the time were not really paying much attention to the language they used when conversing with each other, but you can bet the kids were !! While they were standing in line at the grocery store, there was a woman in front of them who was not moving up in the line. Apparently her three yr old got a little inpatient and said (so everyone within earshot could here him)...."Hey lady, move your F$#%!*# Ass!"....like you said....his mother just wanted to disappear...

Off topic, but you get the picture. lmao Out of the mouths of babes.

Nise's picture

LMAO!!! That reminds me of when my SD was 3 or 4 and was at my husband’s job….one of his coworkers came up to her and said “Oh, you are so pretty, you look like a little princess” to which she replied “You look just like a fat cow”…well the lady was a BIG lady so she didn’t lie but my husband wanted to KILL HER!

Make a GREAT Day!

Anne 8102's picture

That reminded me of the time I shut my own finger in the front door - slammed it good, too - and couldn't help but yell F___ at the top of my lungs. Son, who was six, was outside and didn't hear, but daughter, who was just learning to talk, heard it and loved it. Everywhere we went, she just keep saying it, "F___, f___, f___!" Over and over and over again. I finally just had to respond with, "Where's the duck? I don't see a duck!"

~ Anne ~

Ms.J's picture

This one is the worst ever... We had company over for a cookout last year, and to keep my then 3 year old occupied, I let him paint with watercolors. Well I couldn't find any paintbrushes so I let him use Q-tips instead. After a while, he came outside and asked where the Q-tips were because he needed some more. I told him under the bathroom sink. Everyone went inside a little later to eat and imagine my horror when we saw my 3 year old painting away with one of my TAMPONS! He goes "These q-tips are BIG!" I laughed it off and tried to be cool, but I wanted to DIE.

confused1's picture

Thank you for the tips - I will definately try them.. Im sure you can imagine the frustration. She is lovely when she is being good - but the spiteful things she does when she is angry -example- my BF was in the bathroom taking a shower and she was being potty trained still at this point and she went in his bedroom and took off her diaper and went right on the floor - he of course went to straighten things out with her and she threw a hissy fit and stomped it all into the carpet, or when she wanted to know what the hold up was at wendy's (she was in her carseat and goes 'whats takin so long - i just want a f*kin cheeseburger) - ((which i must say she said when she was with her mother - which was not corrected)) - which of course landed her a few minute time out - i just dont want to be put in a situation where i am walked all over all of the time - but the coming down to eye level with her and making sure she understands seems to exactly be what the key would be. Thank you guys for writing all of your responses :).. its really appriciated...i am really hoping that all of this works..

StressedSM's picture

there are special issues involved in blended families, but part of this little girl's behavior seems normal for her age. Profanity unfortunately slips out of little ones mouths. They hear it from parents, but they also hear it on tv, the radio, movies. You can teach her the right way to behave. She is probably aware of the fact that you are not her mommy and that her daddy also wants to be with you. I think jealously at that age is to be expected.

I laughed at some of the stories above and I have some doozies. Here is one that I hope doesn't get me into too much trouble. My older son is in high school, my youngest is in first grade. 2 or so years ago we were out shopping and I was pushing my youngest in the cart. My oldest son listens to rap music/"current" music, thinks he is "oh so cool" and pretty much the next great white rapper. He likes to joke around and say crazy things. All in good fun and we laugh. Anyway, like the person said above, you really don't think about 2 and 3 year old's comprehendinng the language, etc. So back to the store - an african-american gentleman passed by us and my 3 year old looks up and says "what up 'G'". "Got some bling"?

OMG. It still makes me laugh. The poor man just kept walking. I was mortified.

Confused2's picture

I got to tell you...I have been with my fiance for 2 years. Daughter is now 7. Spoiled rotten and has a smartie mouth that wont stop. I remember when I first heard her talk back ugle to her dad..I was in shock. I would never allow my children speak to me like that. I have two children 21 and 17. My own daughter has even pull me aside and said, mom, you would never let me speak to you like that..you would bust my butt and it hurts me to see her speak like this to you and you do nothing about it. I have brought this to my f attention but like many other folks here have mentioned, he is parenting with guilt. When we got engaged he had to by her a ring that look like mine so she would not feel left out. I was in shock. I did not know what to say. I did eventually tell him how I felt about that. When we first starting dating they came to my house one day and while we were downstairs preparing to grill out the daughter went into my bedroom and totally rearranged everything on my dresser and vanity. I was in shock and afraid to make a big deal out of it. Later I discovered she had taken a diamond necklace that had been handed down in my family and two pairs of diamond earrings. When I mentioned this to my f he said he would look into it. The x said she had not seen them. One day I was alone with the daughter and ask her about it and she said they were in a safe place. She described in detail where it was..in a blue box with stars on it. I mentioned this to my f and still today they have not been returned. The problems I have had with this child get worse. She will do just about anything to be disruptive to get attention and cause problems between me and my f. After numerous conversations with my f and speaking with her myself there seems to no end to this disrespectful child. Even the parents of some of her friends do not want her around there children or in there house. I have recommended family counsling including the x and he will not agree. I cannot see me getting married to this man if we cannot get a handle on the problems with the daughter. I am beginning to resent the whole thing and dread every weekend when she comes over and can't wait til she leaves on Sunday's so I can have my life back. I love this man and would like to spend the rest of my life with him, but I do not want to spend the next 11 years with a disrespectful, smarty mouth child. I have even suggested she live with us so we can work with her. Her mom treats her like they are best friends and when she comes here it takes all weekend to get her to realise we are her parents and she must be respectful. I have also asked him to get her ever other weekend like in the divorece agreement, he will not. I have suggested we get a sitter and go out without her, he refuses (no one wants to keep her). My own daughter insist on staying at a girlfriends on the weekend just to be away from her. How can a 7 year old be such a big problem. I know I have said a lot here, but there is a lot going on and I am going crazy. If anyone can give me some idea what to do next. I to the point of giving up and forget getting married and just move on.

confused's picture

Well the bf and I have discussed the whole time out option - he seems very receptive and we have spoken about not undermining each other in front of his daughter. Although since then she treated him the exact way she treats me, to the point that he dropped her off at her mothers early because he could not deal with her anymore. He tried the time out chair with her - she understood the concept and she sat in it - but he pissed her off - she put him in the time out chair - and he went. i dont understand this - i know that i need to keep my mouth shut about his parenting skills - but that seems to have killed whatever chances i had of curbing her behavior. i dont know if anyone else feels this way - but im actually sick to my stomach to think of having to be around her - i want to -- so badly -- tell him what i think of her and his parenting skills. i do not know how to handle this - but it is putting a very heavy strain on the relationship - that this relationship is not worth the headache that comes along with it. i hope that this is normal and will go away (i have been reassured it was the terrible two's - and then once she hit three - it was been a hundred times worse)... we also tried the one two three thing - and he counted one, two, and she answered three for him and was laughing. someone please help!! Sad

tyra's picture

I remember those days. When Sd was 3 1/2 I thought I can't do this. Hissy fits everytime the attention was directed away from her. I remember one New Year Eve we had an adult/kid party and had balloons suspended from the ceiling we are all doing our countdown and doesn't dear Sd fall to the ground flailing her arms and legs screaming "I am not ready". We went ahead anyway and sent her to her bedroom and told her not to come down till she could enjoy her company. She came down and apologized to all our guest on her own. A few more instances like that and boom it was over.

Now she is 5 1/2 and very aware of her behaviour and always thinks of our guests and her family first. When she does something inappropriate she realizes it first that it was wrong and will go to the person and apologize.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is normal and if you work really hard to make her aware of this negative behaviour (through consequences) it will pass. It is hard, I know I wanted to quit. Now that I have my own son, who is only one, I can see how frustrated they get when they can't express themselves or when they get overstimulated it is very hard for them. Keep a calm house and they too will become calm

Good Luck

BB's picture

HELP....what "key" words do I use to have my daughter (9 yrs old) to
stop being so sassy and talking back

Alley's picture

OMG! I am going through the same thing! She is NOT A BABY! She is testing your limits & her fathers! She knows what she can get away with!
I have had it with my BF's daughter to where I printed out some Parenting Guidelines & Discipline sheets! I am making him read it to take care of that tantrum child! I totally understand you & your BF needs to explain to his daughter that SHE MUST LISTEN TO YOU TOO!!! If he does not then it will be too difficult for you to discipline her! That is what she needs! If he does not agree then go for the parenting books! No child needs to be screaming & having hissy fits unless the parents let them!
That I want Mommy kills me! The child only says that for guilt & to squirm in getting her way!!! When my BF's daughter said that I once told her to GOOOO! I want her too!!! LOL! She was a bit surprised when I said that but I am to the point where I really don't care! That child is out of control!!

northernsiren's picture

60 to 70 hours a week of his time out of the home and you caring for his child for some of that time is a lot to put on your plate without an established plan for discipline and your role in the family. Hissy fits are not acceptable, I am one of those people who gives tantrum children the evil eye, ESPECIALLY if parents are doing anything other than removing said screaming brat from public. There is absolutely no room for tolerating that, it's not acceptable, and if you do anything other than that, you're just reinforcing the behavior.

I think an important thing to mention is how this effects your relationship with her father. From his perspective, I'm sure discipline is lax b/c he's so busy, he wants the time he does have to spend with her to be pleasant, so he's not going to discipline unless it's ABSOLUTELY necessary. But you're the one, more often than not, dealing with this on a day in day out basis, and being a parent doesn't mean it's all about happy fun time. He needs to set the tone, once and for all, because if he doesn't, it will effect his relationship with you. You'll end up resenting not just the child, but him, seeing him in a different light, and not a favorable one, as he's passing the buck to you for all the parenting.

Sure, it'll be different when she goes to school, but in the mean time, is that seriously your life? And then don't forget, these are VERY formative years; if this behavior isn't corrected now, you're going to have a 5 year old who doesn't respect elders, herself, or other children, basically setting her up for a bad time in school, and potentially in life. I've seen 8 yr olds having those tantrums over candy bars in the grocery store, I doubt it occurred to them that day to pull that.

An amusing story. My parents love to regal people with stories about what a good little kid I was. I remember VIVIDLY being about 5 yrs old, and my dad brought me and neighbor's child to the store. We each were allowed to get one piece of candy, but neighborkid wanted two, and my father said no. I remember so well the kid throwing himself on the ground, kicking screaming and crying, and me standing there thinking "wow is that going to work?"

It did NOT, my father picked up said child and grabbed my hand, and marched out of the store, to the car, buckled us both in without saying a WORD (neighborkid still screaming and crying). Drove to neighbors house without saying a word, pulled up, walked around the car, opened the door, removed the kid, walked up carrying him, STILL crying, to the front door of his house, plopped him on the door step, rang the bell, and walked back to the car where I sat, awestruck, watching all this, and drove home before turning to me and saying "don't you EVER do that".

Nobody got any candy that day, and I learned A REALLY important lesson, and never EVER had a hissy fit in public, I didn't even need it to be nipped in the bud, I watched someone else be corrected, and that was good enough!

caz81's picture

I'm just back from a 2 week holiday in Greece with my boyfriend and his 7 year old daughter. She was a total nightmare from start to finish to be honest. Cried everyday , acted like a spoiled brat and has her dad wrapped round her finger. Very difficult, we have already decided not to go on holiday again together, because he cant handle me getting her into trouble.
I need a holiday!

MOMMYOFTWO's picture

Ok I have two things to say about this!
#1 my 20 Month old does not keep repeating something I told her not to say or do!
At 3 years old she is NOT a baby...BABIES DONT TALK WALK ETC ! Your BF needs a parenting course. Letting her throw fits and doing nothing about it does not benefiting her! It disables her, she will grow up thinking that is an appropriate way to act and its not!

#2 Some of the things you mentioned are just "kid stuff" at 3 years old SHE cannot appreciate the things you do with her, get for her etc. BF however CAN AND SHOULD! Kids will have their moments...try not to take too many things personally. At 3 she is repeating crap she has heard and this is not a reflection of how she feels. She is trying to get her way and its working.
Think of it as "The SD show".... If she doesnt have a audience (ie: is sent straight to time out or her room) it will no longer be fun to "perform".
Sit BF down and talk about these things. If he will not exercise effective parenting I would jump off that train because it will only get worse. However if he sees what you see and will try DOING SOMETHING about it, he may just not have the knowledge or tools to do so. That would be where maybe you could help or a parenting class could help!