Absent fathers....
Hi everyone. So I've been reading many posts on here and have found great advice on how to deal with step parenting in general. I must say you ladies are great at making me smile when I have had a bad day.
Today I'm asking for advice based on my own relationship with my dad. Loooonnngg story shortened, him and my mum split when I was 4.(he left my mum for her best friend). This to me is not an issue as his relationship with my mum is separate to his relationship with me. Anyway he stopped seeing me when I was 8. I have never had an explanation from him as to why. I always saw his side of the family and am still incredibly close with all of them. They (especially my grandfather) place the blame on his wife as he thinks she became bitter about me because she could not have children of her own. I don't know if this is the case.
Anyway I am now 25 and this last year my dad has tried to get in touch. He is very Ill at the moment and I'm sure he is trying to right some wrongs. I have asked him why he stopped seeing me and he says that it was because he could no longer deal with my mum. Now I dont know wether my mum put barriers in his way or not as I was only a child. I know my mum can be difficult sometimes but from what I remember she never said a bad word about my dad and would always put me on a plane in the summer to go and visit with him. Also she always made sure I saw my paternal grandparents each week and would allow them to have me every other Christmas. I always remember my dad phoning my grandmothers house and they would encourage him to speak with me but he would refuse. Now my argument with my dad is that from me being 16 he had the chance to have a relationship with me that didn't heavily involve my mum. And for the past 3 years I have owned my own home (he knows this because I am still close with his family) so of he wanted to contact me directly he could have done.
I would really like some advice from you ladies as I know you will give me your honest opinions. Should I accept what my dad is saying and give him a chance? Also how do I deal with his wife who might possibly be the reason that I havent seen my dad most of my life?
I have no idea what I want
I have no idea what I want and I think this is part of my problem. Being a bio parent myself I can't see how anyone can abandon their child. Also as a sm I can't imagine ever saying to my dh it's me or ss. That would cause an unbelievable amount of pain to my dh not to mention the pain to ss. My dad refuses to confront the issue of his wife having a problem with me. I can honestly say I have never knowingly been rude to her or caused her pain (the last time I saw her I was 8). And from my point of view when you marry a man who has kids you have to accept that the child will be a part of your life, especially if you are part of the reason that the man left the first marriage and child.
I can say that I do not need a dad in my life now. That ship sailed a long time ago. My mum was and is an amazing mother to me and has raised me into a well rounded young woman. When I express this to my dad he says it's because she has poisoned me against him but as I said before I honestly do not remember her ever saying a bad word against him. Even now she says nothing bad just that she doesnt have the answers as to why he chose not to have anything to so with me.
I suppose one of the questions I have is why a parent would walk away from their child? And why a step parent would encourage it?? To me it is something me or my dh would never consider and trust me the bm in our situation has put us through hell, it would have been an easy option but it is something we never considered.
Sorry for the grammar and
Sorry for the grammar and spelling I'm replying from my phone. I meant to say the last time I saw my dads wife I was eight. Lol.
If only it were that easy. He
If only it were that easy. He lives in a different country to me and because of his illness he is housebound.
I'm sorry; this must be tough
I'm sorry; this must be tough on you.
My DD11's bio-dad is a lot like your bio-dad. While her dad's mom was still alive, she was an active part of DD's life; DD's bio-dad kept tabs on DD through his mom. You see, he likes the idea of being a father, just not the actuality of it. He also doesn't see this. He will tell anyone who will listen, my DD included, that *I* am the reason he isn't able to see DD. This is simply not the case. His immaturity and lack of money (for things like transportation and food) due to his lack of a job are the reason he isn't able to see her. Aside from that, he really doesn't want to see her. You can read my most recent blogs for an example of what I mean.
Anyway, I think you are right to question your bio-dad's explanation of things; he sounds full of it. And now, rather than owning up to what he did to you, he's trying to guilt *you* into having pity for him. Because it's always about him, right? I mean, he supposedly cut off contact because your mom made it hard on *him*.
Bleh. He just seems like a wretched, miserable human being. I think that is what my decision would be based on, "Are the desires for answers and a blood bond worth the cost of letting this toxic person into my life?"
Also, think about how, if you do decide to reconnect, you will extricate yourself from the situation if things go poorly.
my ex is doing this to my
my ex is doing this to my middle son. They haven't seen each other in over a year and bs is only 17. He acts all nonchalant like he doesn't care but deep inside I know my bs and I know he's hurting. he came home for a week visit last week from college and the second to last day he all of a sudden got moody and I didn't know why and then I went ahah, yes, it's the good ol' absent dad who hasn't even contacted bs or acknowledged him being in town. I try to not say bad things to my kids about ex but once in awhile they make their comments to me and I agree. It's a tough thing for anyone to be abandoned.
Oh I was going to add that I
Oh I was going to add that I have talked with bs about his feelings of abandonment. He of course and naturally blames his dad, but then my bs15 says his dad blames bs17 for leaving and not contacting him. Ya very adult like behavior huh? Anyways so I asked bs17 what he'll say when his dad actually contacts him again and immediately he says he'll say "go to hell" but then when I press him he says he might see him but he wouldn't know what to do or say. It really puts a child in a quandary when a parent does that, and being a bio mom (obviously! lol) I cannot imagine abandoning a child. Ss16's mom has not seen him and won't see him or him her for almost 4 years. In his mind she does not exist. In bs17's mind dad has hurt him and (I think) he'd like an apology only and then move on. So what I was getting at is what do you want from seeing your dad again and would he give to you what you're looking for? If he doesn't are you able to handle being "abandoned" again? Like someone earlier said, you have to think of you. Protect your own heart; don't try to make him happy, make you happy!
Me and all my family (my
Me and all my family (my mothers side and my dads side) all live in England. My dad moved to Ireland when I was 6. Sorry if it's confusing just trying to make sure I include everything. Also the financial side is not an issue for my dad as he is very well off, owns multiple businesses. My grandfather (paternal) says the reason he move to Ireland was because at the time the CSA couldn't touch him over there to force him to pay my mum maintenance. Again this never came from my mum. She told me he signed the marital home over to her during the divorce and that's all she asked for.
Thanks doll faced sm. It must
Thanks doll faced sm. It must be really hard for your DD. And for you having to be the bigger person and allow your DD to grow without your annoyance at her father getting in the way. I appreciate your words of advice. And all I can say to you is that as long as you raise your DD the way it sounds like you are she will have the greatest love and appreciation for everything you do just like I do for my mum.
My dads exact words were "I wasn't going to be held to ransom by your mother.".
My response was even if that ransom was your own child?
For the past 3 years I have watched my dh fight tooth and nail through the courts for access to his son. The bm put every imaginable barrier up that she could. We never gave up and now we both have a great relationship with ss and our ds has a great relationship with his half brother. So I think your right.... Maybe my dad is just selfish and interested in only himself.
Thanks sterling silver. I
Thanks sterling silver. I think to feel abandoned you have to have had something in the first place and seen as I've never really had my dad if things did go wrong there would be no abandonment issues all over again (been there, done that, got the t-shirt). I blamed myself for my dad not wanting to see me for so many years. It was only after having my son that I realised there is nothing a child could do that would make a normal loving parent leave them. So that put my own issues to bed I suppose. As for your own son, I remember always pretending it didn't bother me that my dad was neither involved nor interested in my life, but honestly it hurt like hell. All you can do for him is be a mum and be there through all the hurt and pain your son may go through. (sounds like your being awesome anyway). My mum never asked about my feelings for my dad and it always felt wrong of me to ask her anything regarding him because I didn't want to hurt her. It's great your son can open up to you.
Thanks for your honest
Thanks for your honest opinion echo. The aids infested badgers comment made me laugh and I honestly feel the same way about my own son.
I knew I could count on you ladies to put things into perspective for me.
Xx
I know what you mean echo. My
I know what you mean echo. My grandfather was my father figure. He passed away 3 years ago now. I too would give anything to call him and would absolutely love to introduce him to my son. He was the most amazing man a true gentleman. I am sorry you lost your dad but he was your dad. My dad has never been that to me, really he was just a sperm donor.
I know this may seem strange to you but I do not love my dad. I only feel indifference towards him. I cant understand him or his actions and that's why I can't decide what to do as regards moving forward. It's un-natural for a child to not love their parent, but then again it's un-natural for a parent to abandon a child. I feel that my indifference towards him is my answer that we will not be able to have a worth while relationship.
If it were me I'd probably
If it were me I'd probably see him for my benefit not his, but I probably would not believe a word he said.
I agree with most of what has been posted so far so I won't repeat it. What bothers me about his current stance is that he is bad mouthing your mother - using her as an excuse for all of his behavior. And you have said that she does not bash him.
I'm an older person and can tell you that some of my friends (now in their 60s) went through this. Two very close friends were abandoned by their bio fathers at a very young age. In both cases the dads came back into their lives once they were grown and married.
Neither of my friends felt a thing for their dads. It was just a strange man who showed up in their lives. They did not maintain contact. One friend's dad called her again when he was dying and she told me she honestly felt no more than she would for any random person. He'd always lived near her but couldn't be bothered to see her.
In both cases their mothers remarried and they always thought of SFs as dad. One said to me that he was just a provider of a random sperm.
Don't mind talking about it
Don't mind talking about it at all echo. It's just what I've needed. Someone who is objective and won't judge.
Maybe indifferent is the wrong way to describe how I feel. I am so confused about him as a person and as a father. As I've said before I can't understand how anyone can abandon their own child it is something completely alien to me. And while I understand that to have any kind of relationship with him then I have to move past it but I honestly don't know wether I can.
But if I did receive the phone call that he had passed away I think I would be sad for the child in me that never had her dad. He wasn't at my wedding, he has never met my son, he wasn't at my graduation etc. And I think that is the relationship I want. Something I can never have. Also as I've said before his wife by all accounts ha issues with me so how do I approach that?
Topmuffin901, I feel like
Topmuffin901, I feel like you’re telling my story also. My Father left our family when I was 4 years old for my Mother’s best friend as well and he never really looked back. He would pop in & out of our lives as we grew, but he was never someone I could depend on. He started another family and that was his focus in life.
Like you as well when he had a health scare a few years back he started to reach out and wanted a relationship, to clear his conscience is my guess. At first I was very unreceptive to him, I couldn’t get past what I considered to be abandoned by him. As I thought over things, I decided I could be a bigger person than he and give him what he needed. I have come to have somewhat of a friendship with him, it’s tough at times. I can let the bad feelings in me take control and I have a pure hatred for him in my heart, but then I come back around and I won’t be controlled by my anger.
I try not to judge him, it’s tough, I take one day at a time and I realize he’s not perfect and we all make mistakes. You must follow your heart, just protect it in the process. I hope you find peace with him, forgiveness will set you free.
How will you feel when he
How will you feel when he dies? Will you miss him? Or will there be an absence of feelings? Or residual rage at being abandoned?
My father died 6 years ago. He was out of my life from the time I was 4. He was an abusive alcoholic. I had to go on visitation weekends until I was 13, when I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. When my son was born, years later, I thought it was important for him to know his grandfather. I tried to re-establish a relationship, but I just couldn't maintain it. The memories from early childhood were just too potent. We had the kind of relationship where we exchanged Christmas cards. That was about all.
When he died, I really didn't have any feelings about it. He was essentially a stranger to me. I don't wish I had done anything differently.
My advice is to do what is right for you. He gave up his rights to dictate what kind of relationship he has with you when he ran off to live another life. It doesn't matter what your mother did. He made his choices, now he gets to enjoy the logical consequences.