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Mystery23's picture

Hi everyone,

I am 25 now and still there are a few issues with my step-mum. Now I am older and can see the bigger picture for what it really is. How do I approach my father and tell him he is making things worse.

My step-mum is very insecure I thought she got better. She was worse when I was a child but now its seems we are back to square one. The other day got a call from dad saying he was on his way down to london and my step-mother was already down seeing her parents. They live near me so my dad said well I will come up and see you first.Because she gets funny when he visits me without her he came on his own for about 10-15 min. He was holding my baby and was happy by himself spending time with him.So he didn't really speak to me much then he got up and said well I better go and get them and come back. Also the other day I sent him a pic of my lo by email and he printed and showed it to me. So he picked up the evevelope and said well she has not seen them pics yet.

I tell you its crazy as when he came back to them was not quite sure if he told her he visited me on his own or he did. Well he did say to her about the pics and she was like she sent that to you today so he said no the other day. Its like she wants to know everything. They come down sometimes on weekends or its like every other week it all depends what they are doing. Another time he, my step-mum and half-brother came down and she went to see her parents. He rang me saying he was outside where I live waiting for a bus to straight to my uncles. Then he said after I see him me and M my half-brother will come and see you. Without step-mum. So this causes an issue and when he got to me I said to him I have to out to get shopping. So fed the baby and got ready. He was like checking the email. So afterward I went downstair put the baby in pushchair and he was outside. Remember him being on the phone and didn't think much of it or didn't take that much notice. So on the way to get the supermarket we bumped into my sm sister and she was like my step-mum will be angry because he was like meant to go straight back to my step-mums parents to get her before coming to me. So he said to me well I just spoke to her. So then I realise it was her he was speaking and according to him she was like this was not the plan and that he was meant to get her before coming to me. He says everytime she don't see the baby she feels like she is missing out. So I didn't say nothing but annoyed once again she is so insecure yeah I can understand her wanting to see the baby. I couldn't do my shopping properly and on the way back I said to my dad I might have to go down near where her parents live to another supermarket but he well if your doing then I will get her and bring her back to yours after. So I said its alright I really couldn't be bothered.

So I just feel him not telling her stuff or hiding things making everything worse. Its like she is jealous of the relationship my dad has with my lo. She is really getting on my nerves as that weeks she had already been down and saw the baby on two days that week as my grandad passed away and she came to see us the night before and they had dropped me after the funeral back home and came up. They were at my house for ages.

I just don't get it why she still so insecure why he having to lie about seeing his daugher and his grandson. It's really getting on my nerves. I live at my mothers house aswell and my mum allows her in the house. Don't know why but she does. All the things really she has put me through. Honestly not saying I was a total angel but she was the one who always resented me. I was told by my dad I even said to her should I call her mum when they first got married. I must of been 5 maybe older can't remember but afterwards I liking for her seem to change to hating her. I even lived with them for 4 years and when I first moved in it was hard but after she had my half-brother who is now 6 we got closer and we would do all sorts together go shopping. Thing were fine with us they I got pregnant and things happened and had to move back to my mother house and now back to the beginning. I know it could be because of my mum why she is insecure as her and my dad did sleep together over 20 years when they first got together and this resulted in my mother getting pregnant but said when she was two she died. I don't know if this is why she is insecure or she just wants to visit my mums house to be so nosey to see what she has got. She has got issues as my step-mum full well knows my mother does not have much. They got a 3 bedroom with a loft and she know all we live in is a 2 bedroom flat. She will come in my mums house go in the kitchen just putting her cup in the sink to be noisey. When I lived with them she was like why don't you get your mother to come and stay over one night. I was shocked but then realise well she just probably wants to rub my mums nose in it that she has a big house with my father etc. My mum said no anyway and said what I just that she would not feel right her showing her something she don't have. I said no anyway as I knew my mum would say no. She use to carry on why don't your mum come down to see you I would want to know where my daughter is living. Well my mum did visit me but we would meet at the station and go shopping in the town. Wish was good but I can't believe her do you know that.

I must be mad or something as because I am always nice and polite for my dads and brothers. This is his wife their mum so got to be civil. This sunday I have invited them for dinner well can you imagine the issues that are going to arise. She will drive up the bloody wall but will have to put up with it. I went through a stage that I kind of ignored all her rubbish and even couldn't be in the same room as her would leave her with my mum. My mum sometimes goes upstairs as she can stand up. She treated so bad as a child and yet I have moved on and tired and fed up for her being so insecure now.

Any advice as I am going to end up saying something to my dad and telling him its his fault she is like this.

dogdogcrazy's picture

She acts the way she does, because your father lies to her. Once he makes a pattern of lying, she can never know for sure when he tells the truth or not. Why should she believe him if he says, "I'm going to stop my daughter's & see the baby"? He is a proven a lyer, so maybe he really is going to see his lover! A reasonable theory for woman in your SM's position. Do all his lies involve you? If so, your SM will see that a sign that he values his relationship with you so much, that he is willing to destroy all trust and respect in their relationship, by lying about things involving you. Your SM would react this way to anyone in your position, a child, co-worker, mistress, all pretty the same from the SM's point of view. A person that, intentionally or not, creates discomfort & distrust between & husband & wife, will be resented, and that is human nature. Human nature also is why you are angry & resent of your SM, because your father is sharing with you intimate details of his relationship with her, including his disrespectful treatment of her. Doing this with a child is never a good thing. You should not be so emotionaly involved his marital relationship, and would not be if he didn't enmesh you the way he does, and you didn't play into. If you want this cycle to stop, you need to pull out of their marriage. Tell your dad that you don't think you are comfortable discussing issues within their marriage. Curtailing visits with your father, without your SM for a while would probably go a long way to help her relax and hopefully have an opportunity re-build some trust in your father. Hopefully your father will come to understand that when you lie to someone, they lose respect in you. A marriage can not survive without respect & trust.

Most Evil's picture

Oh I went back and re-read and answered my own question. I agree with the poster above.

Mystery23's picture

he lies but most of the time now he tells her the truth. Well I hope so as I don't see my dad often but when he does on his own. She gets funny as I said. I am his daughter you would think she would have accepted this by now. So he should not hide the fact he gives me money or evens comes spends 10 min to save her feeling left out. He does want to please everyone.

Yeah in the past maybe she had reason to not trust as he did sleep with my mother behind her back. Then again I honestly would not allow anything to happen between my mother or father. I know they both don't like each other that way anyway.

Yeah he made her not trust him but I think she was always like this even before he cheated with my mum. Now I think she being like the way she use to be. Now as they get older she can't use a baby to get closer to my dad. Then my dad has changed as because of his religion. So she still does not trust. Which I think she needs to stop wantint to know everything.Infact she is just nosey anyway that why she wants to know stuff. My dad does not like well how come you didnt call me to come with you etc. So he just don't tell her.

Mystery23's picture

NOW then I don't know about it. As only see him once or twice a month on weekend.

Oh yeah forgot to say that yeah when it comes to me he sometimes keeps things from her. If he gives me money he don't tell her maybe he does I don't know. Think in his defense he can be open go into detail and its her that's jealous. Or she will want to come but dad only want time with me and the baby alone. I am not his mistress I am his daughter its so stupid.

If so, your SM will see that a sign that he values his relationship with you so much, that he is willing to destroy all trust and respect in their relationship, by lying about things involving you.

I honestly didn't realise how it might look on her part like that. Think I need to talk to him about it but he does tell her stuff but its like if he takes me for lunch you never take me for lunch. Oh I guess something like when me and him use to meet for lunch even while living under their roof. i had to not tell her and if she found out she would go mad as he never asked her to lunch. I suppose I understand but she is always going to insecure and I guess she is like this with everyone aswell.

Mystery23's picture

Mother aswell which I can understand. Like last sunday they came for dinner. My mother was working and when she came in she actually thought she would make the effort to talk to my dad, step-mum as most of the time she is upstairs. Anyway my mum mentions she was going at on christmas eve. Instead of saying where you going she said which pub you going too. My mum said I am not going to the pub I'm going shopping.So its only the next day that she thought about and thought what a cheek. So she has been speaking to people who have said still feels threatened.

I honestly had enought I am 25 years old and I may not like her but we are getting on alright. Its just her little comments and my dad might make things worse by making joke about her. Really taking the p**s but he does it to my mum aswell.

My dad don't seem to be himself when she is with him its like he goes all quiet and takes a back seat. He held my baby this day but afterwards I put him in his highchair and she was playing with him but then I said lets take some pictures. I was not trying not to include her as I remember saying I was a pic of her,dad and little brother.

Why she so insecure don't understand it at all. I am getting fed up with it now as its stupid.

h7's picture

I am a 32 year old step daughter & my relationship is with my mother & stepfather. He's got some real issues with possessiveness, but it's my mother that makes it worse. He & I are okay accepting each other's existance without much connection, but my mother tries to seemingly force a connection between us. But then she lies to me & him when the other isn't around, which causes offense & resentment. I'm telling you, parents are crazy.

It also drives me nuts when he barks orders at her, but I realize that it's her problem, not mine. He knows if he barks orders at me I'll bark right back. I deserve more respect from him, especially since I grew up to be the person HE wanted me to be. I respect the boundaries... mine, theirs & his. I have stopped asking him for help or trying to connect, & frankly I'm better for it. And when my mother wants to include me, sometimes I bow out so they can have their time together. My mom's not too big on boundaries.

All I can say is to just stay out of their relationship... I know it drives you nuts, but really it's better for your own health. Besides, they are both grown adults, so let them lie in the bed they made for themselves. I would concentrate on making your relationship with her better - not necessarily closer - for yourself. That's what I had to do. For me, like I said, I just had to accept that he was a part of my family, but there was never going to be a friendship there. He's too petty & too stubborn to give in, so I've given up. Funny, it doesn't feel like I'm beating my head against a wall anymore! And it's healthier for everyone.


When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

Mystery23's picture

I am honestly getting fed up aswell as even if my dad go to give me money behind her back I just say its alright. Sometimes I have to take it or he gets offended but its because of my step-mum. Oh yeah when my grandfather passed away we were talking about when my dad dies. Abit of a sad subject but my dad requested a cremation. Then I said you better get my half-brother to call me. Then she said well I get him to phone my step-brother first. This is what annoyes me as I think I will be the last person to know about my fathers death or not be involved in anything. Her son and my dad don't get on either well they are not close and this is down to my step-brother. After all my dad did for him aswell. Alright his dad didn't really want to know him growing up but my dad adopted him as his son and took him on and now he can't be bothered with my dad. I ask dad how he is he's like he called the other day I think. To like say he spoke to my step-mum and that it.

They are meant to be coming today I swear I hope they cancel I can't take no more.

Mystery23's picture

Well its 2008 and I am going to start a fresh. My stepmother was nasty to me as a child but that was in the past

They visited me recently and she was alright. Just going to be civil to her for dads, brother sake. Even going up their for the weekend.

One thing I will say was that my dad followed me into the kitchen and said something about he is getting his pension money soon and is going to give me some money. Now listen really don't want any at all but if I don't he will get offended. In 2006 I actually won some money playing a game show on tv and as it was my mum who gave me the answer could only give him abit out of it. Which as he is always good to me with money but for its not money i want from him its actually him spending time with him. I will just let them get on with it lol hopefully one day i will have the strength to say dad you know its you aswell for lying to her. You need to be a man and stand up to her.